SHOCKED... But finally got closure...

[luv2bfit]

Hi There, I wanted to post my story (many many people here have been SO supportive in other threads of mine)... I left my two-year relationship 4 months ago and had been going through healing, starting to enjoy life again and then like a punch in the face I got the closure I probably needed to find out.

A little history, I was dating my ex for 2 years, we lived together for about a year of it... I had posted a few times on finding a suspicious highway toll bill late at night the first 4 months of us dating that he made up a story about, which I chose to believe and ignored it. Then came an unexpected phone call that he would not answer a few months later when I was already living with him. He lied first about who it was, then when I asked for proof he confessed it was an ex-gf. He promised at this point to never hide her or an ex ever again and even said he would cut her off, it was absolutely nothing and he just didn't want me to get upset over anything. I'm not that naive, that I actually facebook messaged this ex myself and she was quite nice and confirmed everything and said he always said he was happy with me and it was very sporadic how often they talked. So I believed it... Few months later, we started house hunting for another house to buy together, he was talking of engagement and even asked what style ring I wanted... I found clues that he had ordered a ring for me.. Then I noticed some withdrawl type of behaviour... I asked him if everything was ok, he said it was fine. That's when he started complaining about some "issues" with me in the relationship... Not cleaning enough, going out too much.. etc. Which caused some fights between us.. Everything seemed ok after this, we carried on like normal cohabitating couples spending most of our time together, going on vacations, etc. Then I got that nagging feeling he was talking to this ex again.. I asked he said no. I did a little snooping, I literally felt I HAD to.. my gut was too strong... And I found. He called her at her work and by the length of the call and the location/city that he had visited her. When I asked him, he denied and said he was only calling her to close off old chapters and move on fully with me. Move on with me? We had been together a year! This obviously didn't sit right with me, and he got very defensive and yelled "DO you know what I was doing that day!!!" Turns out he was picking up my engagement ring. I wasn't sure about this elaborate cover-up, so I looked back at the cell record and sure enough he did call a jeweller about an hour before visiting her. The store was 10min away from where she worked. I wrote her again and this time she was much more hostile. She confirmed a few things but kept telling me to figure it out with him and that no wonder he hid things from me because I was reacting the way I was??? I was pretty upset over all this and she blocked me from facebook. He and I had a bunch of talks and I told him how disappointed I was that he would hide her again? We were over a year into our relationship that we shouldn't be having issues like this, especially closing off old chapters? I told him I wanted to move back home with my family and continue dating and see if we could re-establish trust and get over all this... He swore up & down it was nothing and he would prove to me and never hide anything again. I re-iterated that he can NEVER hide an ex or woman period or I would not tolerate it. I said it was an absolute deal breaker and won't carry on doing this. A few months rolled by and everything seemed ok with us.. Another vacation, more time together, etc. Then about 4 months later I came home one day and he seemed really depressed sleeping at 7pm. I got a weird vibe so when he went to the washroom I looked at his phone. I saw a "heart" and nothing else (the rest of the chat was deleted) from an unknown number... I sat there dumbfounded and when he came out, I said explain this? Who is this from? I was crying, I didn't know what to think and my heart was beating out of my chest. He confessed it was his OTHER ex... I knew who she was, but the story was that they broke up 8 years ago (very badly ending in a Domestic) which I knew about... I did not know they even still spoke. All I heard was that she owed him 3K and had never paid. I asked him why on earth he would be talking to her? He said to get his money... He also said he was having some of the same issues with me in the relationship that he had back with her and he was trying to figure things out.... I asked for more detail as to "figuring out what?" and he really didn't give me too much explanation... I was so confused and hurt and he even responded back to her with me there and she said they were just friends and she had a bf.... I basically had no choice but to believe, but I couldn't understand why he kept hiding these "friends" from me. I made it very clear if he wanted to be friends with his exes, I wouldn't care or be jealous but said not to hide it! This caused another rift in our relationship and I wasn't able to find out this girl's information for a few weeks or so. When I did, she offerred to call me and said it might help. She was a really nice girl and said that when she was with him 8 years ago, she had similar issues.. She found numbers, etc. and eventually they broke up over it because she didn't trust him. She said he came to her to ask for help as he was doing the same things to me. I was upset but thanked her and then I tried to work with him to understand what and why he was doing all this????? He admitted to having commitment issues and I asked what that meant? He said, "taking the next step" with someone? I told him he needed to work with me or speak to a counselor if this was an ongoing issue. It wasn't healthy or fair for me to be dealing with this.... About 4 months went by and I was still sitting with all of this in my head and going to counsellors myself to sort through my feelings... I realized I just wasn't happy anymore and I did not trust him. Instead of trying anymore, realizing it had been 2 years and nothing was changing, I packed up and broke up for good. Nothing spurred it, I just didn't want to spin anymore. A month went by, after I broke up and he came on full-force.... He said he sat and thought for 6 weeks and realized everything he said was so wrong about me not doing enough, going out too much.. and that I was perfect as I was. He admitted he was a bad communicator and realized he didn't want to be afraid of commitment anymore.. He said he wanted to take me away to Mexico and hinted even at proposing... By this time, I told him it was TOO LATE..... I had already moved on, I was done emotionally and actually traumatized from all his lying and was seeing a counselor... He was upset but tried to give me space.. He didn't last longer than a few days, offering to bring me food, do oil changes on my car. etc. This went on for a few weeks and I even slipped up and slept with him 2-3 times. I realized this would NEVER allow me to move on if I kept doing this and I told him the damage was already done and I would never trust him over everything we went through. He kept telling me he would PROVE and show me and give him a chance even if it meant just being friends for now. I said I didn't see what good it would do except continue hurting me... A day or so later, I found out he was on eharmony and that's when I knew this guy wasn't changing. I told him to never speak to me again... I cut all contact and within a day or 2 he got one of my best friend's numbers and started texting HER.... He played the "poor me" routine saying he loved me and couldn't get over me... She just kept telling him to move on and leave me alone so I could heal. He did ok for a week or two, but on occasion tried to text me or find reasons to stop by my house. The last visit being a week ago he asked if I would be home on his way home at 3am and if I wanted a late snack? I actually let him bring it to me and he sat and cried in my room... Balling how much he missed me, loved me, couldn't get over me and had been on coffee dates and just couldn't do it... He even rubbed my ring finger trying to be all sweet... I felt nothing at this point, I knew I didn't trust him, I was beyond hurt and not wanting to entertain it. I let him leave and said to feel better and if this was too hard he needed to stop calling or texting period. After a few days of texting me and me ignoring them he texted my best friend AGAIN.. Asking why I wasn't returning his texts?

About 3 days later totally out of left field, I get a message from his EX!!!! The 2nd one that I had spoken to on the phone a few times and was super nice to me... Her message said that he was a douchebag and a mental abuser and that I made the right choice leaving him!!! I was shocked and called her asking her to explain? She then told me that he had been pursing her again since we broke up, telling her he wanted to marry her again and that he loved her... He was coming on strong again, but then she apologized and confessed that she had been talking to him the ENTIRE time he was dating me. She admitted that at the beginning of our relationship they were sleeping together as well... But she didn't know he was with me at the time... It wasn't until later she realized the time lines, and wondered back then why he would never let her come to his house. I was in complete SHOCK....... I asked her WHY and how did she cover up for him? She said he made her feel guilty for their past and was always telling her how much he loved her and wanted to break up with me.. Over time she saw he wasn't actually leaving me and then she decided to HELP him work things out... She kept telling him to be honest, stop hiding her contact if he wanted any chance of things working with me.. He didn't last long and he would come back to her everytime we had a fight and tell her sweet nothings. I think this is where she probably believed he would end up back with her.... She said when we broke up, he started calling + visiting her alot and they even started sleeping together again. She said they were talking of getting back together and then all of a sudden he got really weird again..... She asked if he was talking to me? He said NO WAY, she's long gone... Then she asked did you meet someone new? He said no, not really but I did meet someone I work with but nothing has progressed. I think there is where she lost it and realized HE can't obviously keep his word or commit. So she came to me and told me everything including cheating on me four months in... I told her since we broke up, all he was saying + doing including sleeping with me a few times since we broke up.. Then I told her how I had a "weak moment" and drove by his house once a few weeks ago and there was a car in his driveway at 3am... I found out the name (from a cop friend) and we figured out from facebook who the girl was. When we wrote her, she admitted she had been dating him for a month now and were planning on going away to Jamaica. His ex and I were SHOCKED.. We compared all our stories and couldn't believe he was telling BOTH of us the same things... Although I was more moved on by this point as I had cut contact, she was presently involved with him. He had even gone so far to tell her if they did re-unite he wanted to re-propose this time with an "even niceer" ring with diamonds on the band.. which was the one he designed for me!!!!!!!!! We were in absolute disgust.. We decided to plan a meeting where we could confront him.. At this point every single nice thought I had about this guy turned into a lying, manipulative, sociopathic cheater.. I could not believe it... I knew he had issues and was a liar, hence why I left him... But this is just mind boggling and sick!!!!!!!! We confronted him and it was perfect, although he sat there like a stone cold statue.. He really had not much to say, denied a few things but it's pretty hard to do when both of your exes who have already confirmed stories are standing right in front of you.... Her and I left together and sat for coffee exchanging more thoughts and we've both decided this helped us fully move on from him and his intricate lies and manipulations.... I am secretly very hurt she covered for him, but at the same time how can I blame her, HE was perfectly grown man to make his own decisions and clearly he is not the guy for me. I have already told his close friend who is a police officer to tell him to stay away from me for good, no texts, nothing or I will get a restraining order.

 

I am now sitting here in shock, sadness, guilt... Although proud of myself for walking away only knowing 10% of this story when I broke up.. I had NO idea he was capable of all this... I feel like our whole relationship was a complete lie... He really fooled me.. I felt our love was real, but obviously that's why he is such a good manipulator.. I feel so stupid

[meoww]

Wow this is bringing back memories of my own ex! I had never met anyone that crazy before in my life. I honestly have goose bumps right now.

 

This is the most disorienting experience isn't it? The deception runs so deep that it's almost unimaginable. All I can say that I cut all contact and I'm still wounded almost a year later but I'm OK. I remember at one point thinking, it's all okay because he loves me the most out of all the girls he may or may not be seeing. So I understand completely about being traumatized by the lies.

 

I would get some professional help, because most of your friends are probably not going to understand what you went through. This is serious stuff. You need have an arsenal of healthy distractions to get you through this. Hugs!!!! You are a wonderful person, and consider this a very lucky revelation. You are no longer wasting your time and you have learned so much. You aren't going to be permanently damaged from this.

[eternalsunrise]

I'm so sorry you went through all of that. When you two were living together were you actually officially broken up during the times he was talking to the other girls? Or was it outright cheating? "Having issues" with you isn't the same as being broken up. He should have been more clear with you if he was really talking to othr girls behind your back. Ugh, the whole thing is just horrible.

 

There is such a better man waiting for you, hon. Keep moving on.

[Eocsor]

can't read. mass of text overwheming me. please use paragraphs next time.

[luv2bfit]

No the hidden contact was the entire time we dated, we never broke up I only took a step back after the first series of lies I am not sure about the first woman, if that continued all the way through (I never saw proof) but the 2nd ex she told me it was the entire time. He would go through spurts where he seemed ok and didn't contact her, then he would fire up full-force and even tell her about the fights we had. He would even tell her personal things like how much (or lack of) money I made and that he didn't like my friends, etc. He at times told her he loved her, compared us all the time, etc... Yet all to my face saying he loved me, wanted to marry me, we were constantly house shopping to look for another home.

 

He was ALWAYS so sweet in the relationship aside from these lies, I had no idea he didn't love me or had this bad of issues. All my friends thought he adored me.. He would make my lunches every single day for work, always doing sweet things for me, love notes.. He always seemed to be the more committed one, never seemed to want to do anything apart and his biggest complaint was that I went out too much or didn't include him enough (we lived together, why wouldn't I keep some time for just me)... It's all so sad, that I really do need professional help after this... I spun forever, that it honestly did not make any sense to me, I never felt like any man had loved me as much as he did... He just did everything for me.. I still don't understand all of it, it doesn't seem real. Like the guy I was with was one person and this person behind my back was a completely different guy...

[luv2bfit]

can't read. mass of text overwheming me. please use paragraphs next time.

 

Sorry I can't edit my original post, or I would fix

[Eocsor]

Sorry I can't edit my original post, or I would fix

 

No problem. Pardon my warped sense of humor and good luck in your healing quest.

[diamond78]

WOW....this is enough to scar a person for life.

 

 

I have to commend you though for exiting this relationship months ago simply because you didn't want to tolerate the uncertainty any longer. And you and the other ex-female are awesome for confronting him head-on. I know he was dumb-founded and will never forget that moment for his natural born life.

 

I remember all your threads about this guy and I never felt comfortable about that receipt and trip to his supposed friend's house. And I think that one incident probably always stayed with you and kept you on guard throughout the relationship.

 

Thank God you got early and wasn't still with him when you found all this out. That helps a little bit...but girl, what a story. I hope you can heal properly and find someone who is open, honest, and done with his Exes!!

[luv2bfit]

The hardest thing for me was how he kept getting these exes to cover for him... The Ex#2 told me he would cry and plead her not to tell me and even had her call me to smooth things over.. She told me he made her feel guilty for some things in their past and she almost felt like she owed him.. I'm not sure if I should get anymore details about the entire thing, part of me wants to understand everything, but part of me feels I've hurt enough. I just keep running through my head, what did he say and when? So I can remember where our relationship stood at home and remember, were things really that bad???

 

I do agree, looking back I feel I made all the important steps... After the first few hidden contacts, I stepped back and moved out.. Although we dated seriously I got my independence so I had the strength to leave. I do remember practically living there 100% again towards the end of the relationship, but I think the comfort of my family's home made the transition that much easier when I did leave for good. I am really disturbed by everything, more for the fact that from an outsider and even myself in the relationship everyone thought he adored me. He seemed to care so much and did so much for me.. I would compare him all the time to my other friend's bf's and he on the surface was more committed, giving, supportive, kind, generous than any of them! When I broke up with him, it was bitter sweet.. He had so many amazing qualities, but I knew that trust was #1 and the lies were definitely enough to show me I couldn't trust him fully. I don't believe a lot of women would have had the strength to leave when I did, he was a VERY good liar and hid things very well. He is a police officer.. what does that say.. It was like he was leading a double life.. and he was obviously very good at what he did, because his exes must have been clinging to that "nice guy" that we all had when dating him.

I would imagine alot of what he said was "you were the love of my life... she doesn't compare to you" etc.. to them, making them believe he had chopped liver at home. The ex and I even exchanged stories about a lot of the "cute" things he would do, were EXACT same... He likes to rub your left ring finger... he likes to put his hand on your heart and stare in your eyes... he even does this "I love you" thing on your back by tracing a heart on your back with his fingers with an I *heart* U... I can't believe how fooled I feel... But really I can't sit and blame myself... I trusted him.. I got burnt, plain and simple. Just really hard how traumatizing it turned out to be when we had all the steps most serious/committed relationships would have like living together, talks of future, engagement rings, etc. But I guess that is all a part of the act.. It's kind of sick really, that he goes to that extent..

[Mauxly]

Oh god this entire thread brings back memories. The most romantic/loving/'perfect' guy I ever dated...used to look deeply into my eyes with enough love to envelope the universe. Turns out that was just one of the many things in his bag of tricks. He pulled that * * * * on every girl. And here I thought I was a good judge of character. Ugh..

 

Well, the good news is that it's old news! That crap confusing relationship brought me to ENA years ago. I learned a lot about trusting my gut over the charms of an emotional con man and am now more solid than ever.

 

I hate that you suffered this. But I'm glad that you seem like you are on the other side now. What a mindfark huh?

[luv2bfit]

Oh ya, I'm not a young girl, I'm 29 and was 27 when I met this guy.. Not exactly a virgin to dating, I did NOT see this one coming.... I am not the type that falls in love easily.. This guy pursued me for over 6 months straight until I finally committed more and then waited another 3-4 months before I agreed to move in.. He was a persistent one.. and even when he had other booty on the side, it's not like he needed me to move in to get that.. what a sick bastard..

 

I forgot to mention, for those who didn't follow my old threads, the sad thing is he is 35 turning 36 in a few months. He is not a young guy to be acting this way...

[SorrowandPain]

luv2bfit,

 

Sorry you had to go through all that.

 

With that said, I am 100% puzzled as to how multiple women can fall for all those lies? Is he extremely good looking? Does he have a womanizer personality? Does he have a trust fund? It just baffles me that there are so many guys out there struggling to get a woman but this scumbag can string along multiple women.

[luv2bfit]

luv2bfit,

 

Sorry you had to go through all that.

 

With that said, I am 100% puzzled as to how multiple women can fall for all those lies? Is he extremely good looking? Does he have a womanizer personality? Does he have a trust fund? It just baffles me that there are so many guys out there struggling to get a woman but this scumbag can string along multiple women.

 

He's not facially gorgeous, but he has a bodybuilder body.. muscular, fit.. But somewhat shy/reserved and has this overly sensitive side.. He cries, he is mr. sensitive and he's super romantic.. runs bubble baths, full body massages.. super sweet like I said made my lunch everyday for 2 years, left me love notes, constantly texts tells you he misses you.. He would bring me tea in the mornings when I didn't stay over, very affectionate and almost little boy-like with his affections.. has pet names for you.. etc.

No money really... he's a cop makes 80k a year, but has his own big beautiful house.

It was is romantic/sensitive side... plus coming from this big huge guy, its probably even more endearing. For 2 years he honestly did everything for me... I had to tell him he didn't have to do so much!

Even after we broke up, he told me to leave my car with him he took my gf and I to the airport, did oil change on my car when I was gone, looked after my parent's house.. Just a super nice guy!!

[luv2bfit]

But all of the above wouldn't be enough for me if I was one of those "other" girls... I would purely go off the fact he had a girlfriend and was LIVING with her.. and tell him, to go away or dump her and then we can talk!!! I can't believe these things he said, when the biggest issue of all, he was with ME. I don't blame them, he was perfectly able to make his decisions..

I am the one that got played the most... I lived with him, we went on vacations, spent all our time, grocery shop, lived like normal common-law couples, family events.. Talks to engagement and marriage down the road.. looking at new houses.. UGH so disturbing it was all a lie Well not a lie, but that I had to share him the entire time, meanwhile I'm sitting there thinking I have a committed monogamous bf, soon to be husband.