Had a pregnancy scare,parents wont let us see eachother now

[Chriscarter317]

This is a long story,but its the only way I can get a good answer-and ive tried everywhere and anything to find an answer. I know this isnt the perfect place on these forums,but im hoping for a less damning response then ive gotten before,Im 18 shes almost 17. We've been bestfriends for nigh on 3 years now. It kinda sucks to ask for advice and everywhere I go I get called a pedophile or an * * * * * * * or that I only care about sex or basically any negative thing. I could really use some good,solid advice...thanks and sorry about the read.

 

For 2 years I was best friends with one of my friends girlfriends, She had a hard life. Terribly strict adoptive parents who treated her with what some people would consider to be child abuse for the smallest punishments, A painful past that im not going to get into but in 14 years she saw and went through more then some will in there entire lives. I dont want to get in it-just know its not an overexaggeration. And the only 2 people she ever confided in was myself,and my friend (who was then her boyfriend)

 

But for whatever reason she always confided in me further,trusted me more. Then my friend (For whatever reason) didnt talk to her outside of school for SIX MONTHS. During that time her life went to * * * * even more when she found out her biological father was dead. I stayed up every night for 2 months with her until 3 am.Talking her through it.Helping her.Making her smile.

 

Naturally,when her and my friendn ended, our closeness formed a relationship,which my friend was suprisingly 100% behind. She ,in those two months had let me get closer then anyone else,told me her entire life story including momments up until then only she knew.

 

So we went out,were both happy as could be (I'm JUST 18,shes almost 17,so about a 1 year and 4 month difference) having known eachother for 2 years,and been everything from "best friends" to having a "brother sister" relationship and into our current state of lovers we didnt see a problem with having sex.

 

We knew neither of us wanted the other just for that,we fully trusted eachother and had known eachother for years. Every day now for 6 months we have fallen asleep on the phone together so we have an emotional closeness. So it happened fairly soon. 11 days into our relationship. And went on for the next 3 months. We were careful every time,but she missed her period and we had a pregnancy scare.

 

It was a good test for us,for despite being young and only in a relationship for a little while,during the scare we proved to eachtoher we would definitly stand by and help eachother.

 

I went for a trip to visit my brother with family in indiana,and gave her the pregnancy testers for her to try if she felt she needed to,or to wait until I got back.

She tried them,one was a negative.One was a positive. We decided to wait till I got back and then go to a doctor together for a more acurate answer.

 

However,since fate has a funny way of screwing with you,when she threw them away (burnt them up,ripped up and buried wrappers) her mom lost an earing in the trash that same day...dug through it and found an E.P.T. wrapper.

 

I was aware of this,but her mom was O.K. at first,just saying we would get a sex talk. I got home that day,and found my friends had played a prank and moved my bedroom into the basement. I drove to go get them to make them help,and let them spend the night.But as I did that,I didnt hear from my girlfriend...and things were going to hell at her house.

 

As I picked up my friends,her dad arrived at my house and flipped on my parents. Maybe its good I wasnt there. My dad called me,told me he knew the situation now and to get home. I wasnt able to talk to her for a few days,but,learned the tests came back Negative and it had been a scare.

 

Her parents forbid her from talking or seeing me,her mom said it was only temporarily. 2 weeks passed and her and I were both depressed. Sneaking talks when we could. Eventually,her and I bought a cell phone for her to use so we could still talk,but only at night when everyone was asleep.

 

A month passed and her mom spoke of not trusting me-and tells her that she never trusted me (which is a lie,considering how close me and her mom were and she spoke highly of me up until this) her dad just says hes "Done" when asked about it. Fights happen often.

 

Another month passes,her and I sneak around to meet up when we can (genearlly me going to her work for a quick 5 minute hello)

 

Now shes back in school (im not-graduated last year) and this is tearing me apart,we've stood through hard times as close friends,helped eachother,got through a deep pregnanacy scare and now this.Neither of us are going anywhere.

 

But her parents are so strict and old fashioned we dont know how to approach this.Who should do what,or how to handle it.

 

Please,I truly loved her as a friend.And love her that much more now.How do we fix this. What can I do. What can she do...

[agent1607307371]

Nothing. Their sixteen year old daughter had a pregnancy scare. That's a lot of trust that's been destroyed.

 

All you can do is wait it out. She'll be 18 in just over a year.

 

 

ETA: when you say "careful", you mean condom careful, right?

[Eocsor]

Well, as long as she's under her parents roof I'd say you have to respect their wishes.

 

In the future reliable contraception is easily available these days. I've always told my kids to use condoms AND the pill.

[DylanNotorious]

Yes her parents are strict, but maybe they are just over-protective because she is only 17 after all. I doubt most parents want to see their young kids pregnant at such a young age.

 

So in saying that, you do not have much choice but to find another way to be together (if that is what she wants aswell). You would both have to be working so you can both move out and be together. Is that an option?

 

Plus, your girlfriend is only 17 so I think her parents still would have some rights whether she can move out of home or not, and really, does she want too?

 

Can you guys just stick it out for awhile longer? I think her parents have already made up their minds on this, and the pregnancy scare has made them become more over protective and strict. I don't think there is anything you can really do about this, until you both move out.

[Chriscarter317]

well the irony is just before this scare,her and I had went to the doctor and put her on the pill,i had the medication and was waiting for the next time we saw eachother to give it to her,then we had the pregnancy scare. We were as safe as we could possibly be.

 

And I do my best to respect them,I dont want to make things worse.But when she lives in a household whose parents deem it okay to punch theyre child in the face as punishment (happened to her brother,I heard it on the phone,she wanted me to hear how bad thehouse was) and her dads response was "Im only raising you how I was raised,isnt no difference"

 

Even through what I know I showed them utmost respect in any and all conversations,helped them out with fundraisers or errands and gave them tickets to a patriots game this season! I wish I could prove to them im not somehorny 18 year old that only cares about sex-I would happily forgo anything sexual for a year if it meant being able to see her before shes 18.

[FathomFear]

Have both of you tried appealing to their sense of reason and outlining the situation in a logical manner, in the way you did in your post? I suspect that's likely your best bet at this point.

 

And for the record I would just ignore anyone who tries to call your a pedophile or something like that. You guys are extremely close in age, which means even if you're in a state where the age of consent is higher than 16 you would be covered by Romeo & Juliet clauses. Or at least I would hope so.

[Chriscarter317]

The last time she tried talking was about a month ago.

Once her father brought it up and he said he was just "done"

her mother and her get into fights about me and it leaves her afraid to approach the situation.

I have the house phone ad her mothers cell phone is on my moms.

 

But I worry that me calling the house,or the mother could make it worse. Ideally I would like the chance to talk to them,with or without my girlfriend present to to explain that I meant them no disrespect,that she and I were terrified too and that she means so much more then sex to me. But im not sure how to get the chance to talk to her family. If her or I should bring it up.

 

And I know she isnt leaving me any time soon...shes confided too mcuh in me,and i've done way too much for her to ever forget (I went to indiana to visit my brother and took about 5 hours finding her biological fathers grave,putting flowers on it for her,taking a picture so she could see it and other things)

 

Plus eerily enough her father died 4/15/2010 and we started going out 4/15/2011 and shes convinced that means something haha =) I know im nto losing her anytime soon

[happyfrank]

Let her be for now. Finish college and have good career. If it's meant to be it you will meet her again. For now just focus on yourself and learning new experiences. If you have good career and show that your man that should be treated with respect. Her family with respect and maybe learn to like you if you get back together. Right now focus on yourself.

[Day_Walker]

I think that you have to take this situation very seriously, depending on where you live, you have to consider that you could be charged with statutory rape, and that could mean registering as a sex offender for the rest of your life and possible jail time. Personally, you just have to wait this one out,

[HeartGoesOn]

I'm sure you have the best intentions, and with that said, her parents do have her best interests at heart. It would be impossible to raise a baby at your ages, 16 and 18 without the help of both sets of parents. When you're responsible enough to be having sex, you have to also be responsible enough to decide what the outcome would be if this results in a pregnancy.

 

Your only option would be to wait this out until she's of legal age. Hang in there...

[lavenderdove]

She's only 16, and it sounds like she's had a hard life, and her life would only be that much harder if she got pregnant at 16 or 17. So her parents are doing what they think is right for her, which is removing her from a situation where they see the harm that could come of having a baby before she is old enough to be an adult and get an education and career going for herself.

 

Regarding her mother not 'trusting' you, well, you've kind of proved that right by sneaking her a phone and talking after hours etc. You are not respecting the parent's right to decide what is appropriate for their daughter, who is still a minor, and most likely they also found out you two were sneaking around after they told you to leave her alone for a couple weeks. So you kind of brought this on yourself, by having sex with her at her young age and by not respecting the parent's wishes to leave her alone and not contact her for a while. I don't mean to be harsh, just pointing out that though you SAY you have your GF's welfare at heart, you are doing things that could make it very hard on her (like getting her pregnant at 16 and contacting her when her parents have forbidden it).

 

If you really care about her, you'll write an apology to her parents and ask if you can see her in supervised situations (i.e., visit her at her house with her parents at home) rather than trying to sneak around. You need to regain her parent's trust, and also stop sleeping with her until she is of legal age. Teenaged pregnancy can alter the entire course of a person's life, and not usually in positive ways since the teenaged parents are so immature and not ready for the responsibility and financial demands, and haven't had time to get an education to get a good job before having kids. It could be dooming her to a long life of low level jobs and drudgery raising a kid before she is emotionally and financially prepared for it.

 

Also, if she cried every night for 6 months and needed comforting when her bio-Dad died, then she may not be all that emotionally stable, and her parents may know that. Sometimes girls from unstable backgrounds will intentially try to get pregnant (even while claiming they don't want to) to try to find the love they think they are missing via a baby, which sadly doesn't work out because babies are giant sinkholes of need rather than providing the love the young girl thinks will 'fix' her and her live.

 

So this is a more complicated situation than just two people who want to be together, and you can't ignore the fact that she's still a minor and hence her parents have say over her life. You can keep in touch via email and try to ask if you can see her in supervised situations until she is 18, but unfortunately if they are turned off to you, there's not too much you can do and you need to wait it out for another year.

[Chriscarter317]

See,thats the problem. If both sets,her parents and I,really do have her best interests then im not sure whose right.

She is now on the birth control shot,coupled with condoms would almost compleatly forgo chances of a repeat incident( I said almost) But I could easily go without sex. and would.

 

So her parents keep her from me,for the best of intentions as they see it. But without knowing or realizing that im the only person she truly confides in,and that shes been miserable for 2 months. They dont hear her crying every night. Thats me.

 

She is by and large safe from pregnancy now..And if they had no sex as a condition for being together-I would honor it. But they are doing mental damage,for "Good" reasons in a time when she needs someone. Her brothers off to college,most of her friends graduated last year,shes riddled with guilt about letting that pregnancy wrapper be found among other things

[lavenderdove]

Again, if she is crying every night, then she is unstable and what she needs is to be recommended for therapy, not a BF. You're not a therapist, and she obviously need professional help if she cries every night, for whatever reason. She may be clinically depressed and need medication and talk therapy. It's a big mistake to try to make yourself her therapist if a therapist is what she really needs to improve her life.

 

Perhaps you could call a counselor at her school and tell them that she is crying every night and needs help. If you have your GF's best interests at heart, you will do whatever it takes to get her the help she needs from a professional rather than trying to mix is all up with you and having sex and being too dependent on you... That's not a healthy relationship where you are co-dependent with you playing a savior role and her being a victim rather than having a normal relationshipo where you are both equals.

[BellaDonna]

I feel for you. Let this be a lesson that when having sex you need to be extremely safe whether you are 18 or 58. Use 2 forms of birth control.

 

I was 16 when I met my husband and he was 18. Had my parents prevented us from seeing one another I think I would have flipped out and be stupid enough to run away. I understand the emotions you are going through.

 

But I agree with the others- you have to wait. Her parents have a major problem with her having sex and it is understandable. Parents want to protect their children. They don't want their daughters knocked up, etc. They are being rational.

 

It's probably her father, even more than her mother that is really pissed off about the situation. You may try writing him a letter, man-to-man and asking for his forgiveness and for proper permission to date his daughter. I don't know if it will work though. You can't sound irresponsible or entitled though, or like you are playing him for a fool or he will hate you more. It would have to be worded very, very carefully.

 

I know when my parents found out I was having sex they freaked out and sat my husband (then BF) and I down and gave us the third degree. My husband shocked the crap out of them though when my dad asked him if he would marry me if I got pregnant. He said yes, I will marry her tomorrow if that is what you want. My intentions are sincere. They didn't really know what to say to it. lol

 

The kid wasn't lying, we got married- but not until I was in my mid 20's and I was ready to get married. lol I remember when he said that to my parents my jaw dropped because I was not AT ALL wanting to get married at 16! No way.

 

Ah teenage love. I can hear "I think We're Alone Now" playing lol

 

Beg for forgiveness from the parents or wait until she is 18 and run away to the same college out of state.

 

The world won't end. I promise.

 

My parents love him now and joke about that day. They had no problem when we made a grandchild later in life. lol

[Chriscarter317]

Your assuming that she views me as a savior. She doesnt. Havent you ever had someone you can confide in? Didnt that person who you know you could trust fully have an effect on you? Werent you a bit closer?

 

I'm not her savior. And she isn't a victim in my eyes.

 

In my eyes shes a girl who I was best friends with for 2 years,who confided in me as I did the same. Who saw eachother through tough times and the best of times. Who helped eachother with break ups and family deaths and who stood by eachother in times when a lot of people my age would have fought and crumbled. She isnt a victim. Im not her savior. She's a girl I love with every ounce of me and would do anything for. And I know shes much the same.

 

And her parents did give her a therapist,who doesn't see anything wrong with her other then being sad about this situation.If you assume she spontaneously cries every night,then forgive my misdirection. The topic may come to how much she misses me,and that will cause tears. Or something may remind her of her father,or her ONLY OTHER blood relation moving out (her brother).

 

And for what it is worth? Literally every bit of advice or thing her therapist has said to her? I said the exact same thing. I dont pretend to be a therapist. But I know how to help people. And I dont think to help and truly be there for someone you care about-is something you need a doctorate or degree for.

[Chriscarter317]

See im the same way. Im young yes,she is too. But we arent idiots,i've seen enough of the world to know when something is real.

 

If she was pregnant I would have made my life hard.I would have gotten a second job and tackled college and stood by her through every little thing.

I would never leave her through that. I would ensure she finished high school.

 

Is that a position someone my age should be in? No. But would I have done it? Hell yes.

[BellaDonna]

Maybe she will tell the therapist that she values the relationship with you and the therapist will tell her parents not to forbid her from seeing you.

[Chriscarter317]

I had that idea,but her parents refuse to speak with the therapist.

 

Which I honestly think is irresponsible of them.

[OptomisticGirl]

I had that idea,but her parents refuse to speak with the therapist.

 

Which I honestly think is irresponsible of them.

 

As I'm sure they thought you having sex with their 16 year old daughter and having a pregnancy scare with her was irresponsible as well. See how the other side can view things in a negative way?

[OptomisticGirl]

You also have to understand were her parents are coming from. She's 16, no parent wants their 16 year old child to be knocked up or GET someone knocked up. To you they may be going over bored but to them, they are taking the measures they deem reaonsable for her not to get pregnant - the same thing you are doing by sneaking her a phone. You think it's reaonsable she has someone to talk to even against her parents wishes - again, you gotta look at it from the other side.

[Chriscarter317]

I do understand where they are coming from, it's just my parents handled it and we're displeased when they found out...but supportive. Wheras her parents told her they were going to send her back to a foster house.

 

I just wish they listened to her on some level,rather then just getting angry. Or took the time to hear from me. If they heard either her or I out and then made the descision...atleast we could say we tried and they did the same...

 

as it stands,if you want me to be honest.When she gets her car im sure we will meet up. And im sure nothing between her and I will change-except she'll go against her parents wishes.

 

Hypocritcal as it may sound,I dont want that.I would prefer to meet up,under her parents watch,if they would.

[OptomisticGirl]

I do understand where they are coming from, it's just my parents handled it and we're displeased when they found out...but supportive. Wheras her parents told her they were going to send her back to a foster house.

 

I just wish they listened to her on some level,rather then just getting angry. Or took the time to hear from me. If they heard either her or I out and then made the descision...atleast we could say we tried and they did the same...

 

as it stands,if you want me to be honest.When she gets her car im sure we will meet up. And im sure nothing between her and I will change-except she'll go against her parents wishes.

 

Hypocritcal as it may sound,I dont want that.I would prefer to meet up,under her parents watch,if they would.

 

Every parent handles things differently. They shouldn't have said that to her but if they chose to cut you out of her life until she was of age, well, I'm sorry but there isn't much you CAN do. She's their child and a minor.

 

You can't break her parent's wishes and then in the same breath ask that they respect what the two of you want. Rspect is a two way street. You want them to respect you as a couple, you have to respect them as parents.

[Chriscarter317]

See but thats the thing,her mom originally said this was temporary,a month,so they could cool down.

But the longer we wait,the easier I suspect it becomes to demonize me. Paint me as a stereotypical 18 year old ,only caring about sex,going from one vagina to the next.

 

I just want the oppurtunity to make this right. To prove that I am neither in it for the sex nor a regular 18 year old. To prove that I have and always will care about the best interests of her.

 

and barring any sexual mishaps...I think I can.

[OptomisticGirl]

A month, three months, a year... if you want her parent to respect you and give you that chance, respect their decision as parents and the limitations they set for their daughter. Until you respect them, they won't respect you.

[tinkerbellkj]

A month, three months, a year... if you want her parent to respect you and give you that chance, respect their decision as parents and the limitations they set for their daughter. Until you respect them, they won't respect you.

 

I agree with this. I do feel for you OP, you seem to really love and care about this girl, but I see the side of the parents as well. I'm a mom (a new one, but still one) and if my child was in this situation I'd act much the same, and can't even imagine my husbands reactions. I may be apt to 'forgive' and allow some contact if I thought my child and their SO were at least respecting my decisions and feelings. If I found out they were sneaking behind my back with a hidden cellphone, well, I'd be a heck of a lot less forgiving. So I agree with OG, give it time and when and if they start to let you back in (which I suspect they may) please enter with caution. When they give an inch, don't take a mile, in fact take half of an inch. Good luck to you.