How to confront your girlfriend about her gaining weight?

[Keeedo]

Hey guys, i am completely new here. First post.

 

So, my girlfriend and i have been dating for just over a year. August 11th is our anniversary. she knows that i am completely honest with her about everything but i know she hides some stuff from me still and i am okay with that. but when we first started going out last year she was a little over weight. id say about 20 lbs. at the time it was no problem, it had no effect on my attractions to her in any way. she was beautiful to me AND still is without a doubt. but she has gained about 20 or 30 lbs and its getting noticeable. she is 18, part time student in college, part time worker, and Tuesdays and Thursdays she teaches cheer to little girls. so she barely has time for us or herself. but we make it work and we are doing great. but the weight issue has been really bothering me lately and i cannot seem to shake it off. its the looks and the health that are getting to me, because my aunt died part of reason to obesity. i don't want to tell her that "you're gaining weight and i don't like it" i know that's not the right path lol. but i do not know how to break it to her or tell her.

for the summer that just past, i told her that she cannot eat taco bell for the entire summer. (she went there on average 2 or 3 times a week) and that instead she can come over and i will cook whatever she wants to replace her taco bell.

how would i confront her about her weight? or do i even have to? i was thinking of just exercising with her but like i said, she barely has time for us or herself.

 

thank you in advance

- Keeedo

[Pinnacle]

Lead by example. You start going to the gym and she will notice a change and that may spark a change within herself. And if not...well you will still look good so win win. Point is, speaking to her about it will go no where. This thread comes up like every month and I have never seen anyone come back with a success story. Just saying.

[DylanNotorious]

I agree with Pinnacle. You will have to lead by example.

 

If you even attempt to talk to her about her weight - you may mean well, but she may take it the other way. It only takes one comment or "talk" and that talk will be forever engrained in her brain and mind. It could even spark her to become obsessive on that comment and she could end up with all sorts of health concerns because of it. It's best not to go there.

 

So you make it, that your the one going to turn healthy and see if it inspires her. Say things like "Let's join the gym together!" and if she just laughs - make sure you go join the gym and go. etc etc

 

But you can't make people change their ways, and it's not really that shallow of you to terminate the relationship because of it. You like what you like, just as we all do.

[malloyt]

Thank you for bringing up an important issue that often gets ignored because of the stigma attached to it. This is also a transcending issue between the sexes. You are right, 20 lbs is one thing...more than that is unhealthy and is turning your girlfriend into something other than what you fell in love with.

 

Leading by example is a way to go. But if it is not affective, you may consider being direct. She's 18, and the problem may end up getting worse.

 

There is nothing shallow about it. Don't feel guilty.

[Oneironaut]

I think you're already on the wrong foot by using the word, "confront".

 

Weight is a personal issue. You don't "confront" someone about it unless you want a fight.

 

Frankly, I think you should refrain from bringing it up at all as long as you have that sort of attitude about it, because trust me, it WILL come accross that way and it will NOT help.

[GhostLife]

I definitely agree with the above, but I think an important point to note is food (obviously). The gym is great and all, but what's even more important than working out is diet. Try to spark a change in your relationship and yourself by eating healthier, proportionate meals and drinking lot of water - try to remove or ween away from unhealthy snacks (candy, coke, etc..) - hopefully you'll girlfriend will see your change and want to follow suit.

[OptomisticGirl]

I think you're already on the wrong foot by using the word, "confront".

 

Weight is a personal issue. You don't "confront" someone about it unless you want a fight.

 

Frankly, I think you should refrain from bringing it up at all as long as you have that sort of attitude about it, because trust me, it WILL come accross that way and it will NOT help.

 

I agree.

 

The fact is, if she doesn't want to lose the weight, she won't. Then you need to decide if you can still love her and find her beautiful whether she's a size zero or a size 12.

[greywolf]

Personally, if my partner wasn't as attracted to me anymore and it was over something that I could change, I would want to know. If they approached it very tactfully and were supportive, I'd appreciate it. What I mean by being supportive is exercising with me without ever pressuring me to do so. If I started going back to the gym to get back in shape while they sat at home and watched tv while eating donuts and twinkies, I'd probably resent that.

[Betweenthebars]

There's already good advice here, but I want to add I ate NOTHING but taco bell for 40 days and I lost 35-40 pounds. So... Maybe taco bell is the way to go?

[abitbroken]

I understand where you are coming from. You aren't expecting her to be a size zero - but anyone who suddenly gains weight is cause for concern. If i gained wait gradually, my boyfriend thinks that's life, but if I gained 20-30 lbs in a course of a couple months, he would be concerned.

 

She could be gaining because of stress. I do think it is a step in the right direction to cook for her because it gives you time together. But watch what you cook. no cream alfredo, etc. If someone is getting a chicken soft taco at Taco Bell - that's not really THAT bad. I make wraps at home that are similar. There are a lot of bad things on the menu but that one isn't so horrible. The soft drinks are really a killer. I would make dinner, then make something that she can easily hold and take with her. Sometimes people gain wait not because they eat too much but because they aren't eating regularly and it whacks their metabolism. Trail mix is another good thing to make at home to take for energy.

 

I think that you should start hiking yourself and doing other exercising and food choices and tell her that you are making changes because your aunt had complications from obesity and you don't want to get that way. Maybe she will follow suit.

[OptomisticGirl]

Also remember we all gain and lose weight differently. I'm an emotional eater and eat no different than I did when I weighed 135 lbs (I'm currently 208), the only thing that changed was my exercise level.

[petite]

People - women in particular I find are sensitive when it comes to their weight. That being said, I think it's better that you mention it to her than someone else. Personally, I would not be offended if my partner said to me that I'm getting chunky, actually I'd rather he tell me than someone else.

 

If he came home one day and said "Hey, petite, I think you're putting on too much weight or hey, you're fat", I'd be offended. However, if he sat me down and said something along the lines of "Honey, I love you, I think you're great, I'm very attracted to you, but I've been noticing that you have gained some weight. I don't want to make you feel bad, but for your own self-confidence and health, maybe we should work on eating better and exercising together". I'd be happy with that and that's how I'd handle it if the roles were reversed.

 

It's really up to you to decide what you want to do about it, and whether you start exercising in hopes of getting her into it and eating right, but quite frankly I'd be more hurt with my partner thinking I gained unnecessary weight and then not telling me what he thought about it. I'm sure she does know that she has gained weight by the way her clothes fit if anything. I am bit of a critic because I think everyone can make time for better eating habits and exercise so in my world there is no "we're too busy" and that excuse just doesn't fly with me. If one wants to take care of their weight, it's quite possible they can do the work and accomplish desired goals - unless other things are stopping them such as health issues and they simply can't achieve desired weight loss. I speak from experience, I have lost around 20lbs in the past and I know it's quite possible. The only problem is that people are too dependent on the food they enjoy without bothering to open their eyes to better and healthier foods which are widely available.