Trying to make heads or tails of how to approach this one...

[prettymommy]

So, as mentioned in a few of my previous posts, I have gotten involved with someone new, after about 2 years of being single. It's been about 5 months now since we started dating. Things seem to be going along at a fairly decent pace, taking our time to get to know one another and build trust and all that.

 

Something yesterday kind of gave me pause, and really is a cumulation of a few different things I've observed/learned about my bf. I'm noodling it all in my head and trying to figure out if I need to approach my bf with my feelings. He noticed yesterday that I have become a little withdrawn, so he knows something's up.

 

Anyways, when we first met, he told me he had been out of a relationship for about the same amount of time I had, and that he believes it is good to take some time after the end of a LTR to reassess and get grounded before one is ready to embark on dating and eventually a new relationship. He told me since his LTR ended, he had dated a couple people for 2 months or so, but nothing really panned out. From my opinion, this is all good stuff and signifies to me he may be in a good place mentally to start dating someone seriously.

 

In the coming months, more has come out about his last relationship before me. The general impression I get is that he is really bitter. I don't know all that occurred, but I do know that for some reason, she moved out of his place 2 weeks after they moved in together, which is what ended the relationship. This seems odd to me, but I just tucked that nugget away for further contemplation if needed.

 

Last month we added each other as FB friends, after much hesitation on my part, b/c I knew I would find out things about him that might influence my positive view of him. Naturally, I did. I saw he still had old pics of the ex up in one of his albums. I also observed that the timeline he gave me about his time spent single did not add up; it appeared they broke up about a year before we met, which would mean he only spent a few months being single and healing before jumping into dating again, which has caused me to question if he really took enough time to heal from the past relationship, since my general impression is that it hurt him quite deeply and he was/is still quite bitter about it all.

 

Then, last night, when we were driving home from a night out, he slows down his car a bit, and I notice him staring at something, for about 10 seconds. Then he starts to drive away, and laughs. I ask him what's up, and he tells me he thought we had just drove by his ex, but that it wasn't her, the girl he thought was his ex had shoulders that were too broad. Then he looks at me and says something to the effect that she told him that he would never find someone and if it would've been her, he'd said hi and look at him now and who he's with. That was not his exact words, but more or less the point, and delivered in a joking manner. No matter, it did not sit well with me for some reason, and I made a comment if he was a bit bitter, and just kind of got quiet. From there on, I was pretty withdrawn for the rest of the evening.

 

All this combines with the fact that I don't feel he truly trusts me yet. He tells me he's scared (of getting hurt), though I make him want to believe in love again. He makes comments pretty frequently about me not sticking around, or finding someone else, which rubs me as very insecure (though I've done nothing to make him believe I would do something like that). Just the other day, he asked me if we were exclusive, which we'd already had a conversation about, so that kind of puzzled me. At the same rate, we do talk a bit about the future, in a lighthearted way, so I know he is thinking long-term with me. But then, what happened last night now makes me wonder if he's really with me b/c he really sees something in me that is special, or if he is just trying to prove a point to himself, and possible someone else...

 

All this makes me think he has not dealt with some of the fallout from the prior relationship, and it is impacting, and possibly penalizing me a bit, in terms of having the ability to have a full and trusting relationship with this man. And the last thing I want is to get emotionally involved with someone who is unable to make himself fully vulnerable to me, and to trust me and risk his heart in order to be in a complete relationship with me. And I know that his insecurities (or what I am percieving to be insecurity) is starting to push me away a little and cause me to have doubts. But I don't know if I am reading too much into his past stuff, and making a big to-do about nothing, or if my concerns are legitimate. After all, he's met one of my ex's, my son's father, and we've had a number of conversations about that past relationship, to the extent it began to annoy me b/c he had concerns about all of it that I felt were unfounded, though I understood his need to question about things. So I don't if I am just doing the same thing to him, and its unwarrented. And I don't want to put him in a position where he feels he needs to defend himself about the past, which, hopefully is all it is, the past.

 

So guess I am posting this to get some guidance on how best to approach this, if at all, and if so, what various posters would recommend. This would be the first big converstation I would be raising with him about some concerns I have about him, us, and the viability of our future relationship, and I want to make sure I handle it successfully and in a way that is non-threatening...

[RedDress]

So... I guess the part I don't get is... what are you asking? Are you asking whether he is going to hurt you and eventually leave you (because maybe he's not over his ex)? How is this different than him saying that he thinks you are going to hurt him and leave him? How is it insecurity when he does it... but "concerns" when you do it?

 

See what I mean?

 

It sounds to me like the past is in the past. He is with you now. No one can predict the future.

 

Are you happy in the moment?

 

To answer your question, though... yes, it's entirely possible he's not completely over his ex. BUT... who cares?? It doesn't sound like he's going back to her or has contact with her or anything. I think the overanalysis might kill your relationship and that you are thinking too much.

 

Enjoy more, analyze less.

[Ariel85]

He's not over her, clearly, and is still carrying the emotional baggage from that relationship.

 

But, I think your own baggage is what's causing you to look for these signs to begin with.

[prettymommy]

I am not insecure that he is going to leave me or hurt me. He may, or he may not, and I will be okay no matter what. My concern is that I may be getting involved with someone who cannot make himself truly vulnerable in a relationship and trust me, in part b/c of his past relationship and having not completely healed and gotten over whatever happened. If he cannot be vulnerable or trust me, there is not a lot of chance for success in our relationship, right? So yes, the past is his past, unless it is influencing the present. If that is the case, then there are issues, or am I wrong in that logic?

 

I also don't know what baggage I have that is being referred to (not that I won't deny I don't have any), if unless being observant and taking time to get to know someone, and forming an opinion on that person over the collection of information over time is an issue? I am not looking for any "signs" of anything, and in the past 5 months this is the only thing that makes me hesitate a bit. But to me, trust is a big issue, and I don't feel he truly trusts me yet (and maybe he shouldnt; 5 months still is not a long time). Yet, some of the things he has said makes me believe its going to be very hard for him to do so, even if he wants too... so I wonder if I am getting involved with someone who is truly a good match for me.

 

So how can you have a viable relationship if you feel your partner is unable to trust you, which is kind of what I am feeling. I am very happy with things otherwise, but I know trust is a core compoent of a relationship, and if I continue to feel he does not truly trust me, it will undermine our relationship and push me away. I want to try and express to him the feelings I am getting from things he has shared with me and I have observed, but I want it to be constructive, and hopefully help us build better communication and a stronger relationship. Perhaps this was all lost in my earlier post.

[Batya33]

I think it was tactless of him to slow down the car to see if it was his ex and then to share that information with you- he seems to lack an appropriate filter/boundaries when it comes to how he treats you. I would focus on simplicity here- rather than thinking about the big, abstract concepts of "trust" and "vulnerability" and "healing" decide whether you have a good time with him the majority of the time, overall, and, if his way of interacting with you never changed (i.e. the "bitter" comments or the "non-trusting" comments continued) would you be ok with that long term?

[prettymommy]

No Batya, I know I would not be okay if the bitter or non-trusting comment continued into the future. I feel I've done nothing to make him think I'd want to be with anyone other than him, and yet I still hear them once or twice a week. Even when its delievered in a joking manner, it wears on me. I dont believe I've done anything to warrent those comments. Other than that though, everything is generally good and I enjoy our time together.

 

So given that, what to do?

[Batya33]

I think you address it very specifically with him. Not in an abstract "do you trust me/do you feel like you can be vulnerable" with me but each time he makes a comment, calmly (or wait until you can say it calmly) tell him "when you make comments like that, even as a joke, I feel badly because it seems like you don't trust me". If he says it's just a joke tell him you don't find it funny.

[prettymommy]

What about the times when he tells me he's scared (of falling for someone again), or it's hard to tell me something (his feelings), or afraid of getting hurt. Or the times I know he wants to say something by how he's looking or acting, but then won't. He holds back a lot, and this also clues me in that he doesn't trust me, though I've done nothing to make him think I am going to hurt him, or wont respect his feelings. This is in part where I also feel like his past is affecting our present, and I am getting frustrated that he won't allow himself to trust me fully. I know I shouldn't beat him up for having a hard time trusting me, yet it I find it is now affecting my feelings and how I view where things can go between us.

[Batya33]

I would start with the specific times and when he tells you he's scared ask him if there's anything you can do to reassure him.