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Will This Affect Our Relationship?


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My girlfriend and I had sex for the first time last week and since then we have had it two more times but I don’t feel like I am in a rush to have it again. It’s not that I don’t want to do it or I don’t find her attractive because she is basically one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen and I am very much in love with her. She loves me too and I am lucky to have her in my life. So far the only times we have had sex is when she has wanted it and I am happy going along that way as she has already made it clear to me she wants to be in charge of that but I’m not sure if this should bother me.


I don’t know if I have a low sex drive but I just like cuddling and kissing her. We spent almost a whole day cuddling yesterday and it was one of the happiest days of my life. When we got together she told me she didn’t want our relationship to be only about sex like her previous relationships and she wanted something serious. I did too and this is the first relationship I have had since my girlfriend and best friend of eleven years passed away when I was sixteen. Apart from a one night stand I had when I was drunk and on cocaine I was very close to being a virgin before I had sex with her.


Since we’ve been together she’s saved me from my depression and I love her more than anything in the world. I want to marry her and have kids with her one day but I am worried if my low sex drive (assuming I have one) will be a problem for us in the future because I want her to be happy and give to her everything she has given to me. She’s done so much for me already and I don’t want to let her down. If you want a better understanding of my history here is an edited post I made on this forum a while ago. I should warn you it is rather long though







I met my first girlfriend when I was five years old and we were together for eleven years. She was my soul mate and I loved her more than anything in the world. We liked all the same things and we were basically attached to each other. I did everything I could to be the kind of guy Jessica would love and I would go out of my way to make her laugh.


She liked poetry, music and old romance movies with the likes of Cary Grant, Rock Hudson, Dean Martin and Frank Sinatra that her Mother watched and I secretly did too. I thought if I could write her poetry and be the type of guy they were she would fall in love with me like they did in the movies and it worked. She gave me my first kiss when I was only eight after I gave her a poem I had spent weeks writing. I started writing her poetry all the time and I became very good at it. She wanted to become a singer and we were going to be a duo. I wrote songs for and with her and she sang them. We would regularly sing at our school hall and we won young talent competitions.


Jessica passed away when I was only sixteen and my friends blamed me for her death because her Father was driving her to my house when they were in an accident. I dropped out of school, I spent nearly a full year in my bedroom crying and I tried to commit suicide a few times. Losing Jessica killed me and everybody just expected me to accept that she was gone. Nobody understood how much I loved her and I couldn’t. I got a job working at a factory and started hanging around with what people describe as the ‘wrong crowd.’ I become an alcoholic and I got addicted to cocaine. The nice guy I was disappeared and I became angry and an * * * * * * * .


I got into fights all the time with blokes twice my size and I always won because I used weapons to hit them. I realised size wasn’t important and I could use the smallest of items to my advantage. A few blokes thought I was gay because I didn’t have another girlfriend but how could I even ask another girl out when I was still in love with Jessica. My anger took over and I remember stabbing a bloke in the hand with a knife, spraying mentholated spirits into the eyes of another, hitting him with a board and lighting him on fire. I wanted to kill people but luckily somebody always stopped me because I could have very easily crossed the line and became psychotic.


When the factory went broke I stopped drinking and doing drugs and for the first time my mind was clear. I knew that wasn’t the type of man Jessica would have wanted me to be and I had to change. I went to TAFE to try to get my life back on track and get the certificates I missed out on. It was then when I started selling the poems and songs I had written and while I never sold them to anybody famous due to lack of connections I made enough money doing that alone if I wanted to. The problem was I stayed inside my head most of the time and I was afraid of getting close to people. I had a lot of trust issues after my old friends had turned on me and I tried to be somebody who I wasn’t.


During my second year I fell back into depression and I started doing cocaine again. I had some leftover and I would leave classes and snort cocaine in the toilets regularly. My grades decreased for a while but I got myself back together somehow and I ended up completing TAFE the next year. It was then when I met the woman who turned my life around. Her name was Rachel and she was the first person I told my life story to. We became best friends and I still don’t know to this day why but she looked after me and she turned me back into ‘myself’ again. On the days when I felt like crying or killing myself she made me laugh and for the first time in a long time I was happy.


I started writing poetry and songs again. All of them were about her and I learned how to play guitar, bass, piano and the drums to impress her. I fell head over heels for her and that was something I thought I would never do with another woman after I lost Jessica. The only problem was she was a lesbian and when I gave her a song I wrote she basically told me I was a great guy and if she wasn’t a lesbian she would have dated me. She also said one day I was going to make a girl very happy. I was crushed she didn’t want to be with me but it didn’t bother me after a while because she was the best friend I ever had since Jessica passed away and I was happy just having her in my life.


Rachel was like an angel to me and without sounding corny she gave me my soul back. I never tried asking other girls out though because I just wanted to be her friend. I moved into her house and she wanted us to live like Will and Grace but the opposite way around. When she passed away I fell apart again but I didn’t fall back to doing cocaine or drinking alcohol because I knew she wouldn’t have wanted me to. I did go back inside my head for a while and I got writer’s block. I moved back to my parents’ house and it was then when I realised I had to get a ‘normal’ job.


The only friend I had left was Mandy who was my cousin’s girlfriend. I had a crush on her but I didn’t think I had a chance with her because she was four years older and ‘out of my league.’ She was also my cousin’s girlfriend and while he was an * * * * * * * I didn’t want to hurt him. Then one day when I was at his house with her while he was at work I decided to tell her about my life. She knew some of the details from my cousin but not all of them. I told her more than I had every told anybody and I cried in front of her and she cried too. She hugged me and I accidentally kissed her. I don’t know why I did it and didn’t know what to do so I pulled away and left.


Mandy turned up at my house two days later and I told her I was sorry about what happened and I didn’t want it to ruin our friendship. She told me not be sorry and she kissed me and then said she wasn’t sorry for that. I asked “What about my cousin?” and she said she was going to break up with him soon because he never had time for her and he treated her like she was one of his possessions. She said she liked me and I asked her “How could she after everything I had been through?” and she said I was blind because I couldn’t see what I was.


When Mandy broke up with my cousin she moved back in with her parents but she was embarrassed about living with them because she is twenty eight. I tried to tell her it was alright because I was still living with my parents but she said “I am only twenty four and that was okay because her youngest brother didn’t move out until he was twenty five.” Her parents seemed to have been fighting a lot too and I stayed over her house one night and they were yelling and throwing things and her Mother had marks on her arms the next morning but when Mandy tried to talk to her about it she wouldn’t discuss it. I only stayed at her house because we were out all night and it was closer than mine. She wanted some company too and I couldn’t blame her.


I asked Mandy if she wanted to move in with me while she was looking for her own house and she accepted my offer. I was worried about this at first but things have turned out so much better than I expected and I love having her with me. After being lonely for so long it’s really good to have the company. I was going to let her sleep in the spare bedroom but she came into my bedroom the first night and said “she wanted to be with me” so we now share the same bed. We’re not having sex or anything like that yet but we snuggle and we stay up late talking and laughing about really silly things until we fall asleep. I wake up some mornings to find her watching me because she thinks I look funny. She brings me in pikelets (pancakes) some mornings too and I’ve never had somebody do that for me before.


Mandy is hilarious and she's always making me laugh. We’re not together 24/7 like me and Jessica were as she goes out with her friends or watches some TV shows that I’m not particularly fond of like she is doing now but we are very close. The only problem is she can’t sing but I guess I can live with that. lol She was supposed to be looking for a new house but she told me she wants to stay with me until I move out now and I am perfectly fine with that.


Since hooking up with Mandy I have started writing again but it is very difficult trying to get through writer’s block. I want to become a rock journalist and a horror writer like Stephen King and I was in the middle of writing a novel before Rachel passed away. I am still having difficulty writing it but I have been writing poetry and songs again and I think that’s mainly due to Mandy. She loves them and she thinks I am some type of musical genius. I have my inspiration back now and I lost my job because of an argument I had with one of the workers but Mandy thinks I was too good for it.


Mandy loves me because I am sweet and funny and that was why Jessica and Rachel (in a friend way) loved me too. I don’t think there is anything particularly wrong with being a nice guy but you have to exert yourself more and have more confidence. You can’t be nice to everyone because you will just be walked over and eaten alive but you can be nice to those who you care about and hold dearest to the heart. Trust me, I worked in the country music industry for three years and that was a life changing experience to say the least. If they are genuine people they will return your feelings in the form of a relationship or friendship.

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Scanned through it...

Congratulations on the working through your depression and beating it! I know its difficult!


Basically, I am your girlfriend, in a personality type way...

If I am getting the right impression... Your girlfriend "used" to be quite... promiscuous? If so, yeah, we are very alike.

I have met a man who couldn't actually give a donkey about sex, on his part.

For once, I wanted a relationship that wasn't about sex, but oh my was I wrong...

He used to give me a lot of attention - Sexually. It was great but for some reason, when ever I wanted to touch him, he'd stop me, he'd make excuses, and in all honesty, he was simply just shy!

It was cute but it got to the better of me, and it upset me, it made me feel as if I wasn't attractive enough, he wasn't a virgin, I was so hurt and upset and I cried... I went on the pill for two whole months, so this is three months together, no sex.

Even when I was on the pill he didn't have sex with me, then, eventually, I was allowed to touch him, but there was still no sex.

And it upset me, just once, I wanted an intimate time with him, something I could share with him, and we eventually did it, and now, it's weird to not do it on even a daily basis...


He isn't an average guy, he doesn't have turn on points, he simply just gets boners...


If your girlfriend is anything like me, sex will eventually be an important part of your relationship, but not based around it. Its unfair to claim a relationship is bad because its based around sex, as long as you don't just walk in the door and five minutes later you're both cleaning up naked, your relationship is probably normal and well...


Don't worry too much, just don't hold back its good for two people to be able to explore each others body, and it feels amazing to know you're pleasuring your partner in a way others are not

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Sounds like a good match right now. She wants to be in control of sex and your sex drive lets her have that control without causing you discomfort. I would make it a point to let her know that you desire her and look forward to making love to her again. Be open and honest, if she is the same you two will be in great shape.

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Thanks for the replies. It’s not that I don’t like having sex because I would be lying if I said I didn’t. I don’t have any erection problems and I’m basically up from the second she takes her top off. I’m just not crazy and pushing her for it. If she wants it I will give it to very happily but if she just wants to cuddle, kiss and talk I get enough pleasure out of that. I would never let her go unsatisfied. I actually ended up having a talk with her about it and she said it was no problem and in fact it was perfect. We had sex after talking about it and it was great. She’s very dominative and likes to be in charge. She knows how much I love her, how much I desire her and that I enjoy doing it.


I know a lot of guys think about it all the time but when I think about her I just want to hold her in my arms or get lost in her blue eyes. I write poetry and songs for her all the time and I perform them for her with my guitar and she thinks they are cute. My first girlfriend and I never had sex even though we were together for eleven years and it didn’t bother me. She wanted us to wait until we could get married but she passed away when I was sixteen so it never happened. I couldn’t move on for a long time because I was still in love with her and I thought I would be cheating on her if I did. I also thought no other woman would have wanted me because I was broken.


I spent so many years, feeling depressed and wanting to kill myself so I could be with her again. I never had the urge to have sex during that time and I didn’t even find other woman that attractive because they weren’t Jessica. She was my soul mate and she was the only girl I wanted to be with. That changed when I met Rachel. She was the first I opened up to and she became my best friend. I loved her so much but she was a lesbian so nothing ever came from it but she did help me through my depression for some time and I was myself again. I never tried asking another woman out though because I was just happy being with her until she passed away.


The only other woman I had feelings for was Mandy, who was my cousin’s girlfriend but I basically didn’t think I had a chance with her because she was older than me and I also thought she was out of my league. That changed when I opened up to her. I actually cried in front of her and she cried too and it was the first time somebody consoled me for a long time and I kissed her. She ended up breaking up with my cousin and we got together. I love her and we just got engaged yesterday

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