What does this B/U email mean?

[gsuelp]

Well, I was dating a guy I met online for about 1 1/2 months. Everything was great and we got very close. And then I went overseas to teach abroad for 8 weeks, and he knew about it and was fine. Through the distance and time, he and I kept minimal contact through email. One day, about 6 weeks into the trip abroad, I thought about him and wondered how he was doing. I sent a text message to his phone. He said he was doing fine and was at a gun show. Then the next day, he wrote me an email:

 

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Cecilia, you are a great girl and an incredibly interesting person. I have enjoyed the time I spent with you, but I would like to move on. After alot of thought, I just don't think that we are a match. I know you will find someone better suited for you. You are a wonderful woman....

-----

 

This was so shocking and out of the blue. I didn't know where these thoughts had come from. What does it mean?

 

Anyhow, I wrote an email back that asked:

 

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Glenn, I am a bit surprised to hear this and I was wondering if it was

because I was oceans away for such a long time. If you feel

comfortable explaining what didn't work out, maybe in the future, if i

need to work on anything, such as my relationship skills, I can know

what I can work on the next time. -- Cecilia

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He didn't reply, so after 1 week, I re-posted my online dating profile on the same site we had met on. Then he sent me a ";-)" (a winking smiley face) in a message on that online dating website - that's all! I felt hurt and not wanting to feel vulnerable like that again, I decided to ignore his wink. After 3 weeks of no word from either side of us, he sends the following email:

 

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First off, I want to say that I am sorry that I have not contacted you sooner. I went over in my head many times what to say. It never sounded good, so I put it off. I think that you are a very nice girl, probably the best person that I have met in a long time. My neighbor/friend was very disappointed in me when I told him that it was not going to go any further. I think that he reads me well, and certainly liked all that I had to say about you. You are a great gal! But after a break, to think alot about us, I just dont think that we are a match. Great friends, yes, but I just didnt feel like that we were a great couple. I don't even know that I could put my finger on it, I tried to make a go of it, but I just dont think that we were meant to be in a romantic way. Your intellect could keep me entertained for hours, but that isnt all there is to a relationship. I know that you will find the right person for you. You are a catch.

 

Glenn

-----

 

I feel sad all over again. I want to just ignore it, because I know that if I reply to it, I will just be angry at him for this decision. I always thought that a good breakup was supposed to be 2 people agreeing to breakup. I felt blindsided when he sent me those 2 messages about breaking up. What do you guys think? How do a person move on faster or get over such an unfortunate situation like this? In Japan, they say, "Shouganai" which means "it can't be helped". Do you guys follow such a philosophy when it comes to breaking up?

 

-- Cecilia

[1m50L0nl3y]

You should be grateful that he came clean in a nice way, and didn't extend things longer, if you are offended after only 6 weeks dating someone imagine if he had told you this 1 year after......

But I guess you want to know what the email means? ........... It means that you are a cool and intelligent girl, but when it comes down to looks, well, you are not his type. Of course, he is not going to tell you "hey girl get a plastic surgery" because that's mean and unnecessary, he seems he wants to be a friend (maybe) but is a fact that "he is just not that into you". Your trip has nothing to do with it.

Get it over with.

[nuttybuddy]

It means that you are a cool and intelligent girl, but when it comes down to looks, well, you are not his type. Of course, he is not going to tell you "hey girl get a plastic surgery" because that's mean and unnecessary, he seems he wants to be a friend (maybe) but is a fact that "he is just not that into you". Your trip has nothing to do with it.

Get it over with.

 

How can you say it is about her looks? She could be the next beauty queen and you don't even know it!

 

I think 1m50L0nl3y is going by the stereotype that most men will go for looks. But you guys met each other through the internet. You must have exchanged pics or video cam'ed before starting a "relationship." A guy wouldn't waste his time online with a girl he knows is not physically appealing.

 

In any case, whatever his true reason is for breaking up, one thing he is saying clearly is that there is no chemistry from his part for you. He probably winked at your online profile as a way of just saying "hi" and letting you know that he knows that you're back in the dating pool searching again. It probably reassured him that you're moving on and he's glad that you're not hurting too much over him.

 

You may be hurting a lot, but DON'T let him know how badly you are hurting. It will not lead to anything good. He will not come running back. He can only apologize so much. And you will push him away even more cuz he would not want to be with a girl who cries that much.

[gsuelp]

Wow, 1m50L0nl3y - that's pretty hard reality and honesty!! But I agree with nuttybuddy: how could a guy waste his time with me (we did exchange pics, dated in person for 1 1/2 months, he even met my family, and we became "intimate") if he knows I am "not physically appealing" to him? I thought we both felt chemistry at the beginning, but maybe it was all in my head - I might have mistaken, kissing, holding hands, being "intimate" as "chemistry". Was he just playing around or trying me on without any intentions to buy?

 

-- Cecilia

[1m50L0nl3y]

How do I know? At no point in his email he states she is attractive. So she is "interesting, intelligent, can talk for hours, entertaining" ... All excellent qualities. But without what you call "CHEMISTRY" which is actually finding someone ATTRACTIVE there is NO DEAL.

At no point I said looks are EVERYTHING. At no point I said she is ugly. But she is NOT his type, that's clear. She is such a nice girl that he didn't want to bring her down. I might see a picture of her and say WOW Miss Universe!. Beauty is subjective. Other than that I base this on his words, he admitted there was a CONNECTION and that's why he needed "to think it over" before he dumped her, but her looks didn't do it for him. Simple.

Now I can come here and sugar coat it and say "oh is that you two don't have chemistry". I'm telling her what he will never have courage to tell her.

Or I can tell her "hey while you were gone he met somebody else and now you are out". Regardless, she is not what he is looking for, and like I said if she is such an amazing girl (personality wise) then it was her looks what he didn't digg.

 

And by the way do you know pictures can be photoshopped ? And some people are actually photogenic? Or her pics were old?.

[ForumGuy]

but maybe it was all in my head - I might have mistaken, kissing, holding hands, being "intimate" as "chemistry"....

Many times two people view things like kissing...etc. differently, just like two people will view a date differently. One will go home and tell their friends, "it was a great date", while the other will go home and say "it was just so-so" or "not so good". Naturally, each tends to feel the other felt the same way. With the distance, your guy had no choice but to break up via email or phone call. It wasn't right of him to "wink" you on the dating site....this wink came out of guilt on his part.

[annie24]

I remember your thread from before - you said while you were gone you didn't contact him/didn't feel the need to contact him. Of course he lost interest. he probably figured you were losing interest so he broke things off.

[ForumGuy]

I remember your thread from before - you said while you were gone you didn't contact him/didn't feel the need to contact him. Of course he lost interest. he probably figured you were losing interest so he broke things off.

This could be true, but if there was a true attraction, it wouldn't disappear so easily.

[annie24]

I think when one person goes away for so long, so early in the relationship, it can be hard to get past. She just thought of him after 6 weeks and decided to say hi? Of course he's gone off and met other women in the meantime....

[EmmaB78]

On one hand, I see 1m's point in that it is odd to find someone so intelligent, interesting, etc, and not want to be with thim - could be a physical type thing (again, NOT saying that the OP is not attractive). I sort of feel bad saying that because I know that when a guy I like doesn't find me physically attractive, it doesn't matter to me if all of the other guys in the world think I'm the hottest thing ever - I will now feel ugly. So please try not to feel that way, OP.

 

Then again, I'm still not sure 1m is right. I do think that the online stuff/pics don't mean anything, but why keep going out with someone for a month and a half if you don't find them physically attractive? I guess you could be hoping it would build; I know girls do that, but do guys do that? With online dating, I've always been under the impression that if I got rejected after the first date it was either looks or personality, but if I got rejected later, it was probably personality. (Not saying I have, or the OP has, a bad personality, but that for whatever reason, it just didn't inspire romantic feelings).

 

Also, for what it's worth, I've rejected guys where looks was a part of it, and I still always tell them they're cute. In fact, if I don't find someone that attractive, it's on my mind when I talk to/write to them to "break up," and I would feel that it would be such a glaring ommission that I'd never leave it out, for fear they would notice it. But maybe that's just something I, in particular, think about since it's such an insecurity that I have for myself and so worry about reinforcing it in others.

[1m50L0nl3y]

False. If you have sex, meet family members, a holiday won't trigger him to write her an email dumping her. In fact distance is known to light deep fires where there was initially a spark. Is hard not feel sympathy for the OP. But is clear that if there was any real "chemistry" (as the other girl likes to put it), then he would have stayed around. Even if he had go and meet other women once she is back in town, his world would be revolving around her. Not only that while she was away he would have wrote her at least 5 times to follow up. He was Never That Into Her.

 

Lets take HIS words : I tried to make a go of it, but I just dont think that we were meant to be in a romantic way.

 

Seriously stop making excuses for this guy , just to not "hurt" her feelings. WAKE UP!

Continue your online dating, you will find someone else.

[annie24]

I agree that the bottom line is that he wasn't that interested. I don't think that the OP was all that interested in him either because she admitted she didn't write to him much while she was away because she was preoccupied with other things, and didn't feel the urge to write him. If you are crazy about someone, they are always on your mind! I don't think that they were a "match" like the guy said.

[jjcool00]

Typical nice guy/girl speech... I've gotten it a hundred times and will get it a hundred more.

[SeekFortitude]

Agree with Im50L0nl3y

[jjcool00]

It doesnt matter what the reason was or what he didn't like about you he copied the "nice/guy girl speech" out of a book and pasted it to you. What to say to someone you want to break up with or end things with but still make them feel good about themselves? Ah yes, here it is...