Girlfriend broke up with me after 2 1/2 years... am I doing the right thing?

[vel2011]

My girlfriend of 2 and a half years broke up with me a month ago and I would really appreciate any advice people can give me on here.

 

She is 24 and I am 26 and we have had the most amazing fun throughout our relationship... we never had any serious arguments and had talked of living together, marriage etc in the future. A month or so ago, she went on holiday with some friends, had loads of fun and came back and said 'we need to talk...' She basically said that it didn't feel right anymore and she wants to break up. This was pretty out of the blue – before she went away we had spent an amazing weekend together and she had told me how much she loves me and wished I was going on the trip with her.

 

We met and talked all day a month ago and she said she wants to be fully honest and leave nothing unsaid. When I asked her for her reasons, she said that she loves me, that it is the hardest decision she has ever had to make and I couldn’t have been a better boyfriend but that she thinks we are too similar. She said she feels that we had become more boring together recently, that we have taught each other everything we can and that we both too easily have started not doing as much together or talking as much, and that she feels the relationship had become almost too easy for her - that I was at times not being myself and agreeing with her on everything, pandering to her and being too soft – that I had become too cautious around her. She said she could easily go on as we are, having fun and loving me, but she has to do what feels right and not what’s easiest, and wants to end it on a high.

 

I explained to her that I had thought the same while she was away, that my fear of losing her had made me too soft at times (basically that I had put her on a pedestal and become too needy – almost too nice and too easy), relying on her to fill all my spare time rather than being the fun guy with lots of friends who did other things that she was attracted to at the start (she is almost 25 and when we started going out she was just 22 and said she didn’t want a serious relationship but fell in love with me). I said I think long term relationships need working on, that I know I need to be myself a bit more and do some things I stopped doing. She said however she thinks it shouldn’t take work to make her truly happy, that it should just happen and that she loves me like mad but ultimately she doesn’t think I am the right person for her and can’t say for sure I am the person she wants to spend the rest of her life with.

 

After a day of hearing everything each other had to say, she kissed me goodbye on the lips, told me she loved me and left in tears. I guess as break ups go this is about as nice as they get – she thanked me for being so wonderful to her. I told her to be herself, have fun, do what feels right and told her she had made me realise what it feels like to be the luckiest guy in the world! From reading various threads on sites like these and speaking to mates, I then decided to implement strict no contact straight away and haven’t initiated any contact at all.

The last month I have been out a lot partying with friends, joined a gym and generally tried to stay busy and active, but I think about her every day and honestly have never seen a girl anywhere that I am more sexually attracted to, nor have I ever met such a caring, honest, fun and loving person.

 

I guess part of my reason for going NC was to try and make her realise what she has lost, as well as moving on for myself – trying to reverse the realisation that I lost her because I stopped being as much of a challenge and became less attractive as I was too available and easy all the time. She broke NC after 2 weeks, texting to see how I was. I texted back the next day just saying that I was good and had been out a lot having fun with friends.

 

Then a few days ago she called me and said that she was finding the lack of contact really difficult and really hoped one day we could be close friends. We talked for a while about what we'd been up to, I tried to stay quite cool and confident and not sound completely heart broken. She was asking my opinion on various issues about people close to her – just as if we were still together. Then I brought up the whole contact thing and said that I think it's best we don't meet / have these chats because for me there are too many emotions involved to just be friends right now.

 

And then she basically broke down crying and said that she has thought about me every day, that she loves me and that she misses me loads. She said that she will also need time before she can face me as a friend because there would be too much love and attraction there right now. But she said after 2 1/2 years of having fun with me and knowing at one point she was truly in love with me, she just knew that for certain reasons I'm not the guy that she sees herself marrying (I just don't tick all of her 'marriage' boxes) so it was only fair that she ends it there. She told me to have no regrets because I couldn't have done anymore or been any better to her and that she hopes one day we can be really close friends.

 

I guess the question is… do I give up? Or do I let a bit more time pass then get in touch, try to meet up (there is stuff to swap and give back which provides a good reason for this) and fight one more time? Or at least let her see that after a while apart, when I've done no begging or pleading and just respected her decision and gone with dignity, maybe she made a mistake? It’s hard knowing that she thinks this is the right decision, but she isn’t with anyone else and says she misses me and is finding it really hard??

[askltk]

To answer your thread - Man, you couldn't have gone about this any better way!

 

Story sounds similar to mine, almost to the letter in terms of reason for break-up. Speaking from experience, your doing everything correctly - not to win her back, but to get yourself in a position to feel like the guy she feel for. I caved to the constant NIC with my Ex, and only now, 10 months on, have I put a stop to it.

 

Don't see it as giving up - quite the contrary. Your going to focus on those things you know you did wrong, better yourself (the gym is perfect for this). You can't try and know what she's thinking - it's impossible. All it does is mess with your head.

 

As for her saying she missing you etc, she will do. But, sadly, its all words. If she wanted to get back with you - she would have.

 

Your coming off amazingly here - respecting her wishes and keep up NIC. Keep it up man.

[DN]

You are doing the right thing by going no contact. Don't entertain the idea of being close friends in the future - it rarely, if ever works, and would just complicate new relationships if it did.

 

Assume that the relationship is over and move on as soon as you can. Don't hold out hope that she will change her mind - but, on the slender chance she may, don't make any quick decisions about whether to take her back.

[1m50L0nl3y]

Of course she is crying, and finding it the hardest thing ever, that wasn't what she was expecting after the BU. My suggestion is to go into full NC, if you must swap things, do it by mail or thru friends, but don't see her any time soon, allow her a few weeks without you in her life. Grant her her desire of living a life without you always there for her. And improve yourself. When you resume contact you must look BETTER in all levels than what you did before. She has feelings for you she just needs to acknowledge them, theres no better way than by missing you.

Regardless take that time to examine YOUR actions that ultimately could have influenced in that outcome, once you reach that clarity of mind, think whether you want her back or not. This is not a matter of days, usually is a matter of months.

[vel2011]

Thanks for all your comments.

 

I have gone a month of NC - when she called me last week saying she was finding the NC difficult and was suprised I hadn't called, I told her that she has made a decision, that I respect her decision and have to get on with my life. In a way it is nice knowing she isn't with someone else right away and misses me, but at the same time it just makes it more confusing that she doesn't want a relationship anymore.

[DN]

You said exactly the right thing.

[italiannmf24]

You've done fantastic so far. Just keep strict NC and keep working on yourself.

[vel2011]

DN - I read a post by Scout on another thread saying you helped her with breaking NC and reconciling with her ex. I know I have to try and move on and tell myself she isn;t coming back, but does everyone here believe that NC won;t ruin any chance of a future reconciliation, and that if they ever did come back it ill be on their intitative and there is nothing you can say/do to influence that except move on and get on with your life, without them in it?

[DN]

Scout's situation was somewhat different because I believed that her boyfriend still loved her despite what had happened to cause the break up and I was able to persuade her to call him and they got things back on track. In their case there was a specific incident that caused the break up but I think your case is different as your ex has made a decision based on reflection rather than reaction. She needs time to reflect while apart and realise what the consequences of her decision actually means. If you keep in contact with her she won't be able to do that. Given time she will know whether her decision was right or wrong - but for your peace of mind you should assume she will decide she was right and you should begin to move on.

[token09]

Hi vel2011

 

I think what you are saying is very similar to my position. I can't really advise what is best to do, as i believe i have made many mistakes over the past 9 months.

 

For what it's worth, i think you are doing the right thing. You have to heal and move on and NC is the right way to go about it, and if she comes back then its a bonus.

[vel2011]

Of course she is crying, and finding it the hardest thing ever, that wasn't what she was expecting after the BU.

 

1m50L0nl3y - what are you referring to when you say that's not what she was expecting after the break-up?

[1m50L0nl3y]

1m50L0nl3y - what are you referring to when you say that's not what she was expecting after the break-up?

 

The normal thing we expect as dumpers is that the dumpee breaks apart, begs, cry, and in some extreme cases becomes possessive, jealous, passive aggressive, even begins stalking us.

The rule is that the dumpee resist to the BU, get defensive and desperate to fix things..

When you exhibit acceptance, respect, dignity, keep your cool, good character, and overall acknowledgement of their feelings without taking them personal, dumpers get shocked. Is like if you reversed the roles. All of a sudden you are the one telling her you don't want more contact with her when she "should" be the one suggesting that.

It backfired on her. So it's normal she feels sad about the way things turned out. But all of this is good for you.

[MakeItCount]

You honestly couldn't have handled it any better. lonely has it right on the money, she's expecting you to be all sad and crying to get her back. Pretty sadistic mindset don't you think? If you were needy in the relationship, and aren't now, she's starting to wonder if she did the right thing. Don't break now, keep doing what you're doing. Of course you miss her, but I'm very happy that you haven't begged/pleaded etc. You are WAY ahead of the game.

 

I was the same way in my relationship, got too soft and cautious around her, it got boring etc. By the way, that thing about it not taking work? That's inexperience talking. You suggested to spice things up yes? Well, if she doesn't want to try, then she gave up. Relationships aren't magic. My parents have been together for nearly 30 years and from talking to them, it took a lot of work. They love each other and have fights once in a while but they are both MATURE and work through their arguments and problems. They're my role models, and for good reason.

 

Sounds like you did everything right man. Don't worry about being needy etc. It happens to all of us. Know for next time, or for a possible reconciliation. As has been pointed out, you don't know if she will come back or not. All you can do is make yourself better, which you're doing a wonderful job at. Don't stop now. At least you know she really misses you right? Most dumpees spend months wondering why their ex suddenly stopped caring blah blah. You know this is not the case, so that should feel good right?

 

Keep rolling dude, she'll take notice. She already has. Good luck, and DO NOT FOLD!

[vel2011]

Thanks for your comments guys.

 

Thanks MakeItCount and 1m50L0nl3y.

 

I think you are right - the comments that really stick out from when she broke up and when she called last week (after basically a month of NC, except a text from her 2 weeks in asking how I was which I cooly replied to a day later), were her saying it was 'almost too easy', 'too nice'. I stopped seeing my friends as much, was always available, and I think that made me less attractive - stopped being the guy she originally fell for.

 

I know I have to move on and somehow accept that she is gone forever (for my own sanity), but when it is this fresh and I am still so in love with her it is hard not to also try and do what is most likely to bring her back, even though in reality that rarely happens.

 

I think me not initiating any contact and her reaching out to me twice, though not to ask for me back, goes to show that NC really is the best approach. I could tell she was genuinely suprised I hadn't called / begged / promised to change - and she felt she had to let me know she is really finding it hard and misses me, if only for her own closure (she said she will 'always care about me and always be there if I need her'). The good thing is that instead of knocking me back by speaking to her at length a month after no talking, it actually made me feel better to know that she misses me, that she hasn;t just been on the rebound, that she thinks about me and is finding it hard - it shows she did really care and love me, but for whatever reasons decided she doesn't want that relationship anymore - what more can I do but accept and respect her decision.

 

MakeItCount - I think you are right about her inexperience talking with the comments about how I shouldn't have to work at the relationship to make her happy. She is 24, I am her longest relationship by a long way, she is unbelievably stunning and has guys constantly asking her out, and she is in a fortunate financial sitiuation where she can go away on holidays / trips with friends whenever she wants - in short, I think she loves the 'fun' bit of a relationship but isnlt ready / experienced enough to deal with the bit when you have to compromise and communicate to work on a relationship when the 'fun' bit isn't just happening all the time anymore - that's why I think love isn;t enough and relationships are also about timing - if we'd met in 5 years time, maybe we would of had a better chance of staying together.

 

Re the neediness and stuff - have you guys read CrapAtNC thread about nonchalance. I think my best approach now is to not initiate any contact (ever), and if/when she wants to be friends or gets in touch, I will just take a nonchalant care free approach and show her I have changed, by which time I will have hopefully moved on anyway. Sounds shallow but this is difficult when you've never seen a girl you find hotter anywhere in your life!!

[MakeItCount]

Hahaha, I've said that about all my ex girlfriends. Then I find someone better looking Think about it, if you got a girl like that once..you can get one again. No worries man.

 

I used to follow the nonchalance thread religiously. It's a good thread, but it doesn't work that well when you're in a bad mental state. Give it time, then be chill if she gets in contact. Still though, don't reply to anything without substance.

[resilient7]

Hahaha, I've said that about all my ex girlfriends. Then I find someone better looking Think about it, if you got a girl like that once..you can get one again. No worries man.

 

True,true....

 

I feel this way about my ex,but like MIC says and many others have said,If you landed someone like that before than you are bound to land another one,it just takes time and a Whole mess of patience.

[vel2011]

Guys in your opinion do you think she broke contact after a month because she was feeling guilty and struggling with it more than she though - for her own closure if you like? Just weird how she spoke as if it was a mutual decision and we are both going through hell! And are you firm believers that if they did ever come back, there is nothing you can do (by way of contact) to enhance that chance? Not that I'm waiting and not trying to move on, just wondering.

 

Also, it's both our bdays in a few weeks and I was thinking of sending a card. No 'I love you, miss you' etc, just a friendly simple message. That a good idea?

[CMS]

Buddy, its most likely that she broke contact because her ego was bruised because you did not beg nor fight for it like she wanted, she caved because you exited with dignity, grace and acceptance, with your head held high which are the traits that she fell in love with. So she might be having second thoughts or just having a bad day knowing that you are getting on with your life fine.

 

Listen man, in my experiences, once they made up their mind, there is nothing you can DO to change her mind but plenty you can do to further damage your chance. Whether she comes back or not does not matter ultimately, the goal here is to get yourself back, put yourself in better state to learn from the breakup. You sounded like you became needy at the end of the relationship, you stopped being the challenge, the strong and confident man she fell for and she lost attraction for you, look back at it and take notes to not to repeat them in the future. Stop being so available to her, stop answering her calls and stuff, let her live with the consequences of her decision.

 

I personally wont do it but I dont see any major harm of wishing her a happy birthday if only you can keep the message short ("happy birthday, hope you have a good one"), do not invite response on that message and expect no response.

 

You are doing much better job that I did 5 months ago, keep up the good work, its going to be tough journey, but you can make it through.

[MakeItCount]

A simple card is fine. Then ignore contact attempts.

 

The reason why we advocate not to talk to her is your emotions are in a raw state and it's really easy to have a breakdown. You may believe you're strong enough...but that's what we all said. Then bad things happened. Just don't do it.

[1m50L0nl3y]

Then bad things happened. Just don't do it.

 

He is right. You may think you have the control but the moment you begin contact with your ex back again, they WILL try to get back at you. The tiniest thing that comes out of your mouth can be turned against you, and even if you don't say anything at all they will say something that will trigger your emotional defenses. Or worst, "the cold shoulder". Sounds ugly but..

It's human nature.

[chitown9]

Getting back to returning her things: please get a friend to do it. You don't need the drama...

[natalie b]

I would let her go. Many people go through this stage, especially after being with friends on a trip. It will pass and she will either come back to you or go her separate way. My bet is she will come running back to you after she gets it all out of her system. But don't stop your life for her.

[raziel1687]

No offense, but what b****, sounds like she just wants a few more years to mess around with other men before she settles down. At least with the way you make yourself out to be, there was no real good reason for her to have left you other than she must have gotten bored and wants something new. But apparently she wants to eat her cake and have it too, which you should not allow her to do. She's just gonna use you and run you over whenever she wants. She's just going to screw around with you emotionally. You should just mail her stuff to her, and cut ties with her completely, for your own good. She wanted to break up with you which means she doesn't want you anymore. She shouldn't be able to talk to you and treat you like you're her boyfriend when you're not. Being friends with exes is never a good thing, there's no point in it.

[vel2011]

Yeah I sort of agree. To be fair, I went straight no contact and she has initiated twice in the month since we broke up. She said she respects my decision to not be in contact for at least a while but as I hadn't really given my reasons she had found it hard and wanted to talk. Just makes it more confusing when she phoned me after a month, was really emotional and said 'I love you, miss all the little things we did etc etc and am finding it really hard, not with anyone else, hardest decision ever but I know it's right'. She also said she couldn't be friends now, because it would be too hard and there is too much attraction there, but hopes we can be close friends in the future. She isn't really having her cake and eating it - I made it quite clear I don't want to be having any friendly chats and catch ups and need time to myself to move on, and I'm not willing to go from boyfriend to friend. She respects that. Just irritates me when she was almost talking as if we are both going through the exact same thing!

 

Her reasons, as I understand it, are that it had got a bit boring, I had become a bit too easy and too nice. Basically I'd started putting too much of my life into her, perhaps out of fear of losing the girl I love and the most beautiful girl I have ever seen (including every movie I have ever watched!!), and I think she lost attraction because I didn't seem to be as much of the fun confident guy from the first few years we were going out. But then isn't that a common thing people work through? She gets a ridiculous amount of male attention, is 24, very free-spirited and I think has a slightly naive view of love and relationships - what hurts is that when (inevitably) after 2.5 years there we'd gone through a slightly 'boring' or 'in each others pockets too much' patch, instead of wanting to work on it, it feels like she just gave up. 'I'm not 100% elated anymore, relationships should be about natural fun and excitement, so time to move on'. That's not a realistic view of life in my opinion.

[vel2011]

I would let her go. Many people go through this stage, especially after being with friends on a trip. It will pass and she will either come back to you or go her separate way. My bet is she will come running back to you after she gets it all out of her system. But don't stop your life for her.

 

I think you're right... 24 is young and she probably always had in the back of her mind 'I'm too young to settle down, never experience another guy and don;t want to get to my thirties and look back at never having been single in my 20's'. She went on the trip with some childhood friends who are ridiculously wealthy (people she is very close to but are to be frank physically very unattractive and not people she'd see as boyfriend material) - at the time I was working pretty hard and in need of saving a bit of cash - they showed her a crazy fun time and it's like something clicked that there is a better more fun future out there than me so time to move on.

 

At the end of the day though, I think it was a decision she had taken time to come to and the trip was just the trigger - maybe after 2.5 years she has decided I am not the person she wants to spend the rest of her life with - she loves me but there are just certain personality traits that aren't in the ideal guy she always imagined settling down with.

 

Just wish I could know how long it will be before I don't wake up and think of her every morning!