Hate her, but I love her

[He2Him]

I tried to find something on a google (lol), about my specific issue, but to no avail. So I decided to ask here directly, perhaps someone can offer me a bit of advice or more like share their thoughts, since I'm not sure I need an advice, because the situation I'm in feels just right, but still a little bit uncommon to me.

 

So the thing is, two months ago, a girl newcomer started working at my place. The moment I looked into her eyes, *bang* it was there. The special something you see in eyes of others very rarely. Two weeks into working here, bunch of us were out for a beer and she was there too. I tried to ignore her most of the time (successfully) and kept it cool. But we got too drunk and you can't keep your control yourself consciously under influence of alcohol, so it ended up in heavy kissing. Next week sleep over at her place and then again. It was all cool and stuff, felt like love almost.

 

As I was getting to know her, I started to like her more and more, and I believe it evolved into love. There's more to the story, but it's kinda unnecessary to mention all the details. Well it turned out that she wanted to have fun, I wanted something more, I made an idiot out of myself, because I acted according to my feelings which I decided not to ignore, and now she kinda despise me - perhaps thinks I'm so low / can't keep it cool.

 

Anyway, my issue is, I feel something towards her, and while I cannot love her, at least I have this notion to feel at least something so I hate her instead. I just can't let this go, because if you see that thing in someone's eyes, that's like the universe telling you that's the right person (on of many other right persons that are out there) but still they are rare. And I just can't ignore something that right. Regardless of what happened between us (good and bad stuff) I could turn around and love her in an instant if she let me to.

But she doesn't. And it just feels so wrong to push the feelings that feel so right aside.... just wrong.

[nuttybuddy]

maybe ask her out on a serious date and at the right moment without getting physical, tell her about that "love at first sight"? maybe ask her if she believes in it, and tell her that u didn't think it existed until u met her.

[He2Him]

maybe ask her out on a serious date and at the right moment without getting physical, tell her about that "love at first sight"? maybe ask her if she believes in it, and tell her that u didn't think it existed until u met her.

 

Well, we've already talked about it after an argue we once had, and she and I know we got chemistry going, but she got this stubborn head and she's against a relationship so much (because she's disappointed from the previous one). It's like she's trying to murder her own feelings towards me. (Im sure she had some, because she was initiator of everything at start) just 'cuz she's living in her past all the time and can't seem to be able to let go and fix her own life. Not saying I don't have my mistakes, but I recognize them and work on getting rid of them.

 

And I can't really ask her out now, because for one we already skipped that, as we thought that's just too ordinary and we both thought, that ''moving slow doesn't get you far'' so we moved fast instead (and it was crazy and unchained), and for two we don't even say hi to each other when passing by.

 

The challenging part is, I have to see her almost everyday at work. And her presence keeps on reminding me that we could be a great couple, because I know that while different we're so same. I mean this is not about what color or meal she likes. That's all bs and I could never be with someone only because we like the same things. I have only 4 requirements a girl must meet. Must be good looking, smart, crazy and must like me.

And it comes to me a bit sad that we're not together, but oh well, at least I can keep on hating her.

[charity]

love and hate don't go together. if you feel hate toward her then it wasn't genuine love. more likely your ego is upset that she didn't.... be how you want her to be. you are hurt because you showed yourself to be vulnerable and she didn't respond as you would have liked. when you realize that this is your ego that is making you feel this way now and not either love or hate, then you can accept that you just fell for someone who didn't feel the same. this may happen again and one day someone will fall for you too that you don't feel the same way for, its life. let go, accept, and move on.

[He2Him]

love and hate don't go together. if you feel hate toward her then it wasn't genuine love. more likely your ego is upset that she didn't.... be how you want her to be. you are hurt because you showed yourself to be vulnerable and she didn't respond as you would have liked. when you realize that this is your ego that is making you feel this way now and not either love or hate, then you can accept that you just fell for someone who didn't feel the same. this may happen again and one day someone will fall for you too that you don't feel the same way for, its life. let go, accept, and move on.

 

The problem is, I don't have this kind of attitude, Idon't give up things easily. I always fight for what I feel is right.

I see where you are coming from and what you suggest, but it's that the type of approach I despise. Haha sorry. I know life is not easy sometimes, but to me people who fight for the life they want will get it eventually, as opposed to those who just let go, accept and move on, when struggles show up.

[charity]

you can fight for THINGS. you can fight for JOBS, you can fight for CAUSES......you don't fight for....people. if you have to fight for someone to love you, it gonna be a problem. you may feel excitement and drama that you have to 'fight' for them but thats movie stuff. in reality when you have to fight for someone to feel the same way about you, to love you, to WANT to be with you then you are going down a very painful angry road. which is where you are now.

 

acceptance of someone not feeling the same way will lead to you moving on faster with no knock to your self esteem, leading you to meet and spend time with others, people WHO ACTUALLY feel the same way you do.....this leads to knowing true genuine love.

[He2Him]

you can fight for THINGS. you can fight for JOBS, you can fight for CAUSES......you don't fight for....people. if you have to fight for someone to love you, it gonna be a problem. you may feel excitement and drama that you have to 'fight' for them but thats movie stuff. in reality when you have to fight for someone to feel the same way about you, to love you, to WANT to be with you then you are going down a very painful angry road. which is where you are now.

 

acceptance of someone not feeling the same way will lead to you moving on faster with no knock to your self esteem, leading you to meet and spend time with others, people WHO ACTUALLY feel the same way you do.....this leads to knowing true genuine love.

 

Yes I know, and it makes perfect sense. It's just that She actually did feel something towards me, and it was really cool, and then out of nowhere (or more like out of her past and not knowing what she wants) she consciously pushes her feelings aside and try to block them... And to me it's so moronic idea to force yourself not to like them, I just don't understand how she can do it (ofc I do understand that she hasn't had experience that would make her see that she's doing a wrong thing, because she's wasting opportunity for something great because of her fears and insecurities which stem from her past)...

 

To be honest, if there is a tension, I mean, if I keep on well feeling whatever it is I feel towards her, it's a sign I haven't moved on. And I'll admit I haven't, that's no problem. But she'll know it's there and perhaps one day (unless I find someone better) she'll understand more than she understands now about life and gives me a call. I know, wishful thinking, things don't work like that or maybe sometimes they do....

 

But I see the potential that she doesn't, because I'm 5 years older and I know more about life than she does. So, I'm keeping the options open. Kind of.

[He2Him]

Anyway, thanks a lot to everyone for sharing your time and thoughts. I need to get into another level of thinking for me to be able to get over this. So I'll discuss this further with myself under influence of Jagermeister. Thanks for getting me started ;-)

[thischiciswack]

Ok. I think you need to talk to her and let her know how you feel. Ask her if you can start over with her, because you really do care about her, and try to keep it at a comfortable pace. If she does reject you, at least you know you tried! Because if you do nothing, you'll always want her but you wont get her. Don't torment yourself like that.

[xSPARExSTEWx]

I know this is an old thread but I have very similar problem and I was wondering if you (He2Him) could give me an update on how you went on with this. I have been really struggling with this and some skills to deal with this would be nice. Anyways any help would be very helpful.

[Capricorn3]

I know this is an old thread but I have very similar problem and I was wondering if you (He2Him) could give me an update on how you went on with this. I have been really struggling with this and some skills to deal with this would be nice. Anyways any help would be very helpful.

I doubt the OP will be reading this as he hasn't been back for four years.