Why does he lie about his fantasies?

[Miss Firecracker]

This is the problem, the fact that he isn't communicating on what to me is basically a non issue. It's the reaction that's bothering me NOT the porn or content

 

It's obviously an issue for him. He is entitled to at least a little privacy. I do not discuss fantasies with my husband. That's just not my thing. And he would never badger me about it either.

[jakel]

True I just wish if that's the case he'd have said as much. He knows me and if he'd have said some things are private I'd have been ok with that. Despite how I may be coming accross I'm laid back 99% of the time

 

Regardless of how open and understanding you might be about him watching porn. He may still Have years of societal training that makes him think porn is something to be ashamed of. Like being caught masturbating by a parent as an teenager. Its also hard to believe as men we aren't being coerced into some sort of trap when a woman is "understanding" about this sort of thing. You not being righteous about it or jealous is possibly hard to believe for him and he is waiting for the other shoe to drop. It could be your disappointment that he hadn't revealed this possible fantasy, (which sounds like porn not something He would want to partake in), could have been construed in his brain as judgement for his icky porn problem hence the overreaction.

[Oneironaut]

Aurora, we can be with someone for decades, but we can never -truly- know everything about them.

 

This is something he obviously wanted kept private, which is why I agree with BellaDonna...he reacted so outrageously because he's embarrassed as hell over it. He didn't want you to know, for whatever reason. It's nothing against you. I mean, come on...don't we all have hidden things that we've never told another human being? Nasty habits or occasional ugly thoughts? I'd wager that all of us do, even though it's taboo to mention them in polite society.

 

Also, there is most certainly a difference between fantasizing about something and actually wanting it to happen. To be honest, I enjoy watching hentai about tentacle rape. Does that mean I actually -want- to be raped by a multi-tentacled monster? God, no. But for some reason, I happen to enjoy watching it.

 

I'd let this go, and not bring it up again. He's obviously not really ready to share it with you, and if you push the issue, you're likely to drive a wedge between the two of you.

 

You said in your first post that you have a healthy sex life. Be thankful for that, and let him keep this part of himself private. It's better for your relationship.

[jingletruck]

Think of the context you asked though - you caught him looking something up on the net that isn't 'norm' porn. It would have thrown me off guard to be asked that question by my fiance as well.

 

It's 2011. Gangbangs and orgies are about as normal as you can get in porn... Romantic porn with soft lighting and storylines is a niche market nowadays.

 

As far as fantasies - generally women ask about those expecting an answer like "making love in the infield of the Indy 500". Men are thinking more along the lines of "doing anal on your sister while you go down on her". A lot of times men will not tell you their fantasies just because they understand that there is no possible way it's going to happen, and all it will do is create an artificial problem that the woman will be hell-bent on "solving".

 

In all seriousness, if his fantasy is to suspend you by your wrists and do hard anal on you, and he tells you that, is it going to make your relationship better or worse? Some things you just don't need to know, and he's probably made the decision that his fantasies are just going to freak you out.

[Miss Firecracker]

Also, there is most certainly a difference between fantasizing about something and actually wanting it to happen. To be honest, I enjoy watching hentai about tentacle rape. Does that mean I actually -want- to be raped by a multi-tentacled monster? God, no. But for some reason, I happen to enjoy watching it.

 

That does sound a little exciting. Ha! And see, it's probably something about that weird that he wouldn't dare tell another soul.

 

BTW, thanks for sharing. I've never heard about this.

[OptomisticGirl]

It's 2011. Gangbangs and orgies are about as normal as you can get in porn... Romantic porn with soft lighting and storylines is a niche market nowadays.

 

Depends on the person as well. I watch porn and it's not the 'norm' for me and I know it isn't for my fiance. For some people, perhaps, but it can also very well be a side of him he isn't ready to share.

[mhowe]

First thing: hate to hear the word "should" when talking about a relationship. He should be able to.....what if he just doesn't want to?

 

If you want to share, fine. But there doesn't seem to be a lot of give and take in your approach to things. You say you are layed back 99% of the time, but honestly, it comes accross like getting pecked to death by a duck!!! If he has fantasties, why does he have to share just because you do? Any the way you approached the web site....when he lied and said it was an accident, you responded with.....then why did you watch so many videos. Jeezzz , just let it go.

[BellaDonna]

That's what I thought. I suppose I believed that the person I've known for 8 years and been with for 7 would have made this clear though. I think I'm having a hard time understanding why he couldn't just be honest (if this is the case) and say "I don't feel comfortable sharing my fantasies at the moment" or something. It's so unlike him. I do think I should try to forget this but I would love to be able to clear the air and let him know I'm not interested in prying or checking up on him. That I understand his fantasies are private and I won't be asking again. He's been on edge a little the past few days, do you think it would be worth bringing up he subject so we could put it to bed or do you think the tension will go naturally?

 

I think he wasn't honest because he just doesn't want to go there and wanted the conversation to end as quickly as possible. If he said he was not comfortable sharing it, the conversation probably would have continued with more questioning about "why" he is not comfortable. So saying he has none is an easier answer that ends the topic quickly.

 

I wouldn't bother bringing it up again if I were you. I don't think it will do any good.

[Aurora81]

mhowe,

 

I have to say that you clearly haven't fully read anything I posted. I said maybe I feel rightly or WRONGLY that because I've shared so much with him I felt he should be able to with me. Like many people I judge based on my own actions, wrong I know but hey I'm human and we make mistakes, people make assumptions you know. I realise that feeling he SHOULD do anything is unreasonable but I was online talking through the reason for my feelings and whats the point of lying about how I feel? Don't tell me you've never FELT someone should do something regardless of how unreasonable or irrational it makes you.

 

Secondly without having been there you have no idea how I phrased the 2 - count that 2 questions (are 2 questions being pecked to death) to my boyfriend. We generally joke about most things, when I saw the porn site I wasn't angry or upset just mildly curious and in my usual joking tone mentioned it. You're talking as though I gave him the third degree or embarked on the Spanish inquisition mark 2.

 

Forgive me if I'm wrong but I thought communication was key to a healthy and happy relationship, all I was trying to do was communicate with him. When he made it clear he wasn't happy talking about it did I bombard him with questions or accusations? No. Did I nag him to talk to me? No. Did I scream and shout or give him the silent treatment? No. I gave him space and thought about what I should do next. I couldn't work it out so I came online for a little advice to help me to set my mind straight.

 

I have already had the advice I needed, set my mind at rest and decided some things are private and to leave him to it. I did not come on here to have my actions misconstrued or people reading between the lines and imagining my boyfriend to be henpecked. If you read ANY of my posts you would realise this was more about how I feel and how to deal with it than a poor guy that's being picked on. He was embarrassed, he was asked 2 questions and then no more was said about it and our life carried on as normal. Poor guy eh?

[mhowe]

You have amazing communication skills. Don't know what I was thinking.

[PaintWithLight]

I am glad that you decided to let sleeping dogs lie, so to speak. He is not ready to talk about this and to continue to press him will only make him pull back more. This is a common conflict in relationships when one party sees the solution as simple and clear (in this case, if he would just talk about the porn use) and the other person disagrees. You can begin a debate and lay out all the reasons that his position is wrong, throw in a bit of guilt by alluding to how much you have shared with him and you have a very toxic mix.

 

I hope he opens up to you once the tensions subsides. It really is his choice and he probably has some embarrassment and shame. Continue to reinforce the happy parts of the relationship. Good luck.

[BellaDonna]

Moderator Note:

 

Please keep discussion on this topic civil. I see a couple of posts from different people that are using sarcasm. Since sarcasm is being used as disrespect in this thread, any further instances of it will be deleted, as will any other instances of disrespect or personal attacks.

[DN]

It is almost always a mistake to expect people to act, react and interact in the same way you do yourself.

[meoww]

It is almost always a mistake to expect people to act, react and interact in the same way you do yourself.

 

I think there is a lot of wisdom in this quote. I can't count the number of times I have felt I've had the moral high ground on things but no power to actually do anything with it.

 

I'm also really surprised by the posters who claim that you're being a nag, or unfair. Their views are pragmatic, to a point, and good for reducing tension in the short term but don't seem to address the issue at hand. I liked what one person said about waiting until things calm down to test the waters again, you might want to eventually do this in a setting where you have a third party involved, like a therapist, so that they can assure you're not crazy if he closes up again. If that happens, you'll know that he's not budging an inch on the issue and you can decide whether or not this is a big issue for you.

 

Who knows, now I'm questioning my own point of view. Maybe it really just isn't anything to even think about...but if I was dating someone who systematically rejected any discussion of any particular issue I would be concerned/bothered. I can deal with that in casual friendships but not with people I'm close with. It seems like a fundamental conflict in values (and clearly a very divisive one, from the strong reactions it has elicited on this board and at home.)

[tiredofvampires]

Second point, I did NOT invade his privacy, The site was left on the computer for all to see when I went online, I then lightheartedly asked him if that was his secret fantasy expecting him to laughingly agree or deny, I certainly did not expect a torrent of abuse and name calling.

 

I'm going to stand alone probably on this thread in this, but in my opinion, no matter how embarrassed, defensive, intruded-upon or taken off-guard one is, there is no justification for his reaction. I'm not sure what were the words he used that classify as "a torrent of abuse and name-calling," and "nasty" but if indeed this happened, I would say it's not just bad communication, it's also a red flag. The problem I see with his behavior is not that he'd want to keep his fantasies private, but that he'd respond to your inquiries this way, regardless of his feelings. I believe you that you were not attacking him -- so you did not deserve to be attacked "back" like this.

 

The only thing that isn't quite consistent on your end is that you said at first you were "shocked" by his porn and now you are saying you were almost joking, just asking curiously, and not upset. I would say if you were "shocked", perhaps you communicated a level of distress that he picked up and you've played that down a bit here?

 

I do want to validate your disappointment that you shared something very deeply personal and secret, and discovered he didn't wish to reciprocate in some fashion. I understand that feeling -- I've been there before. I've often been the one who is more transparent and open in relationships, especially when I already feel we trust eachother on so many levels that I've come to expect it'd be a given that we would also be on the same page with issues we've already opened up about before (like sexuality -- a private matter to begin with.) I know how it feels to think, "You must not trust me to handle your secrets with care" -- and feel a bit hurt by that, even though you are not blaming or demanding something from them.

 

It amazes me sometimes what passes as a-okay communication. In my world, good communication involves talking about the things you don't want to talk about as well, so that at least there is a clear understanding of the boundaries and why. Communicating properly means that you express to your partner (or other close person) what your needs and feelings are, regardless of particular pieces of content that you may or may not be in a place to disclose. If you don't want to share a fantasy, you say, "Maybe some day I'll be up to talking about this, but I'm kind of private about some of that stuff." You don't need to shove it under the rug, pretend it's not there, lie about it, hide it -- you just need to state what your boundaries are. Yes, that might raise questions, but that's where the other person (you, in this case) would then be the one to meet them halfway and respect those boundaries. That would be on you. Then, you've both done your part to be clear about where you stand. I believe you even have room in this type of interchange to say, "Well -- I can't say I'm not disappointed that you don't feel free to share your fantasies with me. I like the idea that we can be intimate that way and it turns me on, and plus I've shared a lot of edgy stuff with you. But I respect that you feel this way now, and you know, no pressure. I just wanted you to know how I feel about it, and if you ever change your mind...I'd be really down for it and it'd feel good for me."

 

That does not force him, guilt trip him, or in any way obligate him. If that's what he takes from it, then that's his problem to deal with. People can only do THEIR part to communicate openly and honestly, in a non-defensive manner and each party has the same level of responsibility in this. If both are doing it, ideally (as is the goal), neither is trying to shove something down the other's throat, but both are listening to what they other person is feeling so that they can think about it and take it into consideration for the future. Chances are right now, he has NO CLUE that his divulging his fantasies has this significance to you and why -- he just thinks you're insecure about the porn. So that has not been communicated and remains uncommunicated and misunderstood. Intimacy in my books would mean this is better understood -- not left as a misunderstanding -- and talking is required for that.

 

The reason why there is tension in the air still is because this has not been resolved. Most people are of the school of thought that you should just ride those things out with silence. Well, silence will eventually force you both to move on. But it won't RESOLVE how you both felt about this. And in the future this will become habit: something triggers him (or you), a wall of silence will go up because no one wants to pour more gasoline on the fire, and another thing will just be buried as though it never happened.

 

This is how 15 years down the line, couples wind up saying they don't feel connected to their partner anymore and want a divorce. It's a slow, gradual accumulation of things that never quite get resolved, even though each one seems trivial enough to have not resolved to the point of understanding.

 

Judging by your posts here, you seem to be a pretty good communicator (if the previous poster was being sarcastic about that, I'll have to disagree.) And based on what you've told us, your boyfriend sounds like he has a ways to go. I think if you were not prying into his internet history, you'd just stumbled upon this, you'd talked and joked before about porn -- there was no reason for him to go off on you like that. I also think because of what I've stated above, lying about something you'd prefer not to talk about is NOT good communication. Just tell the person up straight, I say. So I do not defend his lacks here on the grounds of privacy violation/self-protection.

 

If I were in your position, I WOULD bring this up again (when it feels a little less raw), starting with the statement that you feel things weren't quite resolved and hope he might be open to just clearing the air -- but that it's just about having an understanding about how you and he feel about the topic in general, and where the boundaries are because you were a bit confused by his reaction. You just want some more clarity. So I'd put it in a way that he knows you're wanting that, not an accounting of what he's getting off on and why. Then you can introduce some of the ideas I've articulated.

 

I'll also echo the poster who said men seem to be very private about porn, where elsewhere they're open. I've been very close emotionally with partners who somehow made their porn-watching off-limits to discussion, as though they were almost ashamed. I honored that, but on the other hand, it always felt like an inhibition to me that I'd have preferred wasn't there (because I'm pretty uninhibited myself, especially emotionally, when I'm in an LTR.) I inherently felt closer to men who had nothing to hide and we were able to banter, jest, and confide about these things. So, it's sometimes a bit of a compatibility issue, but it doesn't have to be a serious one.

 

I know I'm in the minority on this one, but that's how I'd approach it if I were you. Closeness involves telling your partner the things you don't feel comfortable with (and maybe that'll open the door to more discussion or sharing down the road), as much as exchanging your secrets.

 

It's troubling that your boyfriend responded with hostility, and that alone is worth talking about. It's not a good way to handle conflict going into the future and shouldn't just slide. That's more the problem than his white lie of omission about porn (even though that's not skillful either, as I said).

[Aurora81]

You have amazing communication skills. Don't know what I was thinking.

 

Hmmmm do I detect a note of sarcasm here? Actually seeing as everything has turned out well I don't think I have too much to worry about when it comes to communication. We all make mistakes right? How about we let this lie now? Deal?

[Aurora81]

Thanks PaintWithLight, I appreciate your comment. I'm sure there was some slight over reaction from both of us and I'm hoping it will all be ok in time

[Day_Walker]

I think that you cannot impose your level of communication on him, simply because you communicate everything to him doesnt mean that he will reciprocate. He is obviously sensitive about the porn that he watched. Some people will not own up to liking such things.

[greywolf]

This is the problem, the fact that he isn't communicating on what to me is basically a non issue. It's the reaction that's bothering me NOT the porn or content

 

Everyone is allowed to have their own private thoughts. If I were him, I'd feel like you were trying to police my thoughts and I wouldn't appreciate it either. Plus, when you ask someone something private like that, you have to realize what kind of thing you are asking. If someone I was with asked me my fantasies, and I decided to answer, which is that I want to rip their flesh off in pieces, would you/they be able to take in that information without freaking out? Why would I want to subject myself to that kind of shame? I would then have two options: to tell them that it was none of their business, or to lie and say I didn't have any fantasies. I'd like to say that I'd tell them it was none of their business, but I don't like to cause problems or hurt people's feelings for something that, in my opinion, is trivial. So I would probably seriously consider telling them that I didn't have any.

 

 

Though I do agree with TOV that regardless of any situation, one should treat their partner with respect.