Aurora81 Posted August 31, 2011 Share Posted August 31, 2011 Hi I'm new to this forum and could really use some advice. I have a problem which is eating away at me and I really hope someone can help. I need to give a little background information for you to be able to understand my problem fully, therefore this will be a long post which I apologise for in advance. I'm a 30 year old woman, my boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years and lived together for 3. Until I met him I had a real problem with sex, seeing it as dirty and it was not something I enjoyed at all in other relationships, more something I endured. This I believe stems from having been sexually abused as a child. My partner has been (and continues to be) extremely patient with me, we were together close to 18 months before making love and he is the one who changed my views on sex. We now have what I believe a very healthy and enjoyable sex life. We make love on average 3 times a week and although I wouldn't say we really go in for anything considered "kinky" we try to keep it fresh and like to try new things. This is what has led to the problem. I recently attempted to get my boyfriend to talk about his fantasies, so in bed a few nights ago I brought up the subject and he told me he doesn't have any. Thinking he may be a little embarrassed I told him one of my more risque fantasies thinking it would open him up. He certainly enjoyed hearing what I had to say but still insisted he had no fantasies of his own. This bothered me because I couldn't quite believe it but despite finding it a little odd I decided to say no more about it and forget the subject entirely. I must mention here that my partner like most men enjoys watching porn occasionally, this is not something I'm into but if I'm away for the night or I'm simply not in the mood for sex then it's not unusual for him to watch porn and satisfy himself alone. There has never been any secret surrounding this and although it's not something I enjoy I have no problem with him watching occasionally. Two days ago I was using our computer when I came accross a site my boyfriend had visited, a site dedicated to group sex, orgies and "gangbanging". This shocked me to say the least, not only due to the amount of videos he appeared to have watched on the site or the fact that this is so far removed from anything we would do together but mainly because this is clearly a fantasy for him and he didn't tell me. I spoke to him about it that evening and he instantly became defensive and said that he clicked on the site by accident. When I pointed out that he'd watched several videos he actually turned quite nasty saying he knew I had a problem with the pron and that I'm jealous and frigid. This is not at all the man I love, he's NEVER behaved this way before. I want to talk to him again because there is clearly something wrong here but I'm afraid it will end in a row and so I really don't know what to do. I really have no problem with the porn, I don't care what he's watching because I know he loves me but I feel truly let down here. I honestly feel I can talk to him about anything, he's the only man I ever told about the abuse I endured and I feel incredibly hurt that he doesn't feel able to talk me about something so small. Fantasies are just that aren't they? Fantasy and not reality so why the big deal? Sorry for the extremely long post, I don't want to come accross as super sensitive or insecure so I felt a little history was needed to get the full story accross. So what do you guys think is going on with my boyfriend and how do you think I should deal with the situation? Been going crazy trying to work it out. Thanks for listening Link to comment
Staple Posted August 31, 2011 Share Posted August 31, 2011 I'm sorry but seriously, you think that "gangbangs" and "orgies" are a 'fantasy'? lol. It's porn. It's fun to watch lots of girls getting it, etc... It has nothing to do with fantasy. Seriously come on. Link to comment
ProtestTheHero Posted August 31, 2011 Share Posted August 31, 2011 There are plenty of things that I've watched in porn hundreds of times that I would never/have no desire to do myself. Watching a porn video of particular acts (even repeatedly) does not mean it's his fantasy. I think you're extrapolating too much from what you found. Link to comment
Staple Posted August 31, 2011 Share Posted August 31, 2011 Yeah I think you're being ridiculous and should stop attacking your boyfriend on this. Link to comment
Aurora81 Posted August 31, 2011 Author Share Posted August 31, 2011 I appreciate your imput but really attacking? I'm a reasonable person who attempts to sort out problems without conflict. I asked him once if that was his fantasy and HE went crazy, at what point did I even hint at attacking him, let alone several times. And I have to say that telling someone that their feelings are ridiculous when they're very real to them and I'm clearly in a bit of a mess here isn't a very nice thing to do. Either be constuctive or please don't bother to "help". Having said that I do thank you for your view on the matter, any helpful input is appreciated Link to comment
meoww Posted August 31, 2011 Share Posted August 31, 2011 really? the guy won't own up to his own behavior and she's ridiculous? Believe me, as avid private porn user I have no problem with porn use but I definitely know some guys get off on using it secretly no matter how open their partner may be. why is it that some men do this? Keeping your porn use private is more important than communicating with your partner? I agree with Staple and Co. that it's probably no big deal but it would bother me too. I intend to find a partner that doesn't think it's intrusive to share these things with me, it's just part of life. It sounds like you might have some deeper issues that are affecting the relationship, either on his end, or going both ways. I may be extrapolating too much but he sounds immature, generally speaking. Link to comment
FathomFear Posted August 31, 2011 Share Posted August 31, 2011 I would agree with the previous poster who mentioned that watching a few clips with gangbangs does not mean that gangbangs for him is a certified "fantasy". I mean, I like watching gangbang porn as well but don't have any desire to participate in one myself. There's a distinction between porn that tantalizes you vs. porn that represents a scenario which you yourself would actually want to participate in. Link to comment
Aurora81 Posted August 31, 2011 Author Share Posted August 31, 2011 There's a distinction between porn that tantalizes you vs. porn that represents a scenario which you yourself would actually want to participate in. I do understand this but the reaction when jokingly asked about it makes me wonder what's going on. Does his reaction seem noraml to you or am I crazy? Link to comment
catfeeder Posted August 31, 2011 Share Posted August 31, 2011 Just because he has no fantasies that he's willing to share, it doesn't make him a liar. You invaded his privacy then set him up with your questions, and he's furious about that. I would be, too. If he wants to speak of this again with you, he's capable of raising it himself. I'd drop this. Link to comment
Aurora81 Posted August 31, 2011 Author Share Posted August 31, 2011 Keep your porn use private is more important than communicating with your partner? . This is the problem, the fact that he isn't communicating on what to me is basically a non issue. It's the reaction that's bothering me NOT the porn or content Link to comment
FathomFear Posted August 31, 2011 Share Posted August 31, 2011 I do understand this but the reaction when jokingly asked about it makes me wonder what's going on. Does his reaction seem noraml to you or am I crazy? My impression after reading your post is that you probably come accross as a bit judgmental, whether intentionally or not, and it has put him on edge when it comes to this topic. I probably would have been annoyed if I were him as well. It's not pleasant being grilled to talk about a subject and then being questioned on my porn watching habits which were discoverd via looking at my browsing history. I realize that he's your partner and you clearly love him, but you also need to make sure you give him a healthy amount of space. The whole series of events you outlined just has a smothering kind of feel to it. Link to comment
Aurora81 Posted August 31, 2011 Author Share Posted August 31, 2011 Just because he has no fantasies that he's willing to share, it doesn't make him a liar. Thankyou for your honest opinion but I beg to differ. I asked him if he had any fantasies he said no. If he does infact have fantasies which he's not willing to share then fine but saying you don't when you do is in my book lying. Second point, I did NOT invade his privacy, The site was left on the computer for all to see when I went online, I then lightheartedly asked him if that was his secret fantasy expecting him to laughingly agree or deny, I certainly did not expect a torrent of abuse and name calling. Third point, I understand that he's capable of raising the subject again if he wants to speak, why then can I not if I want to? No disrespect intended, just wondering if you're reading something I didn't type Link to comment
Aurora81 Posted August 31, 2011 Author Share Posted August 31, 2011 Thank you for that, it's made me really think things through Maybe I did come accross as judgmental, not something I intended at all but it can happen. I'm honestly a really easy going person, not one to get crazy over bits of thigs, I suppose his out of character reaction just really got to me and set my mind spinning. One thing I do need to clear up though, I wasn't browsing internet history, perhaps I should have made it clearer in my original post, the site had actually been left on for anyone to see. Space and time for both of us may be the key here. Thanks Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted August 31, 2011 Share Posted August 31, 2011 Thankyou for your honest opinion but I beg to differ. I asked him if he had any fantasies he said no. If he does infact hav fantasies which he's not willing to share then fine but saying you don't when you do is in by book lying. Second point, I did NOT invade his privacy, The site was left on the computer for all to see when I went online, I then lightheartedly asked him if that was his secret fantasy expecting him to laughingly agree or deny, I certainly did not expect a torrent of abuse and name calling. Third point, I understand that he's capable of raising the subject again if he wants to speak, why then can I not if I want to? No disrespect intended, just wondering if you're reading something I didn't type But he said he didn't have any fantasies... how is he a liar if he told you the truth? Porn is very private to some people - even if you were joking, it's something he may not have wanted you to see/know. Because he clearly gave you a bad reaction when you bought the point up last time. If you stick your hand on the oven and it burns you, are you going to stick it BACK on the oven a second time? Link to comment
meoww Posted August 31, 2011 Share Posted August 31, 2011 You said have become much more open minded about sex in recent years, do you feel like there are any barriers you still want to overcome? You might be projecting your unmet sexual desires onto him. I don't know if this will help, but you might want to spend more time masturbating or learning more about your own fantasies, separate from him. Then you might come to see it's not such a transgression. However, I really want to put it out there that porn seems to be very sensitive topic for some men! I find that people become really defensive about their habits. I honestly think it's some weird psychological comfort thing as well as some degree of guilt because at the end of day, it is exploitation. It's sexy and free, two things I like very much but I know it's kind of wrong. So I do think men have issues with porn that they don't want to confront. Link to comment
Aurora81 Posted August 31, 2011 Author Share Posted August 31, 2011 But he said he didn't have any fantasies... how is he a liar if he told you the truth? I was replying to someone who said he may have had fantasies he's not willing to share but that doesn't make him a liar. If that was the case he would still have lied given what he said to me. Sorry that wasn't clear but I'm sure the person I was replying too understood Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted August 31, 2011 Share Posted August 31, 2011 I was replying to someone who said he may have had fantasies he's not willing to share but that doesn't make him a liar. If that was the case he would still have lied given what he said to me. Sorry that wasn't clear but I'm sure the person I was replying too understood Yes he would have lied then but fantasies are a very personal subject. Link to comment
BellaDonna Posted August 31, 2011 Share Posted August 31, 2011 He's embarassed. It's that simple. He feels silly. It's really that simple. He's also annoyed that you found out his dirty little secret. It may have lost some appeal now because he will think of you confronting him every time he tries to view a "gangbang" from this point forward. lol It may or may not be a fantasy for him. At this point I'd just leave it alone if I were you. Chances are he will never be involved in one. The fact that he is embarassed means he is probably not going to do it in real life or want to talk about it as a "fantasy". Link to comment
Aurora81 Posted August 31, 2011 Author Share Posted August 31, 2011 You make some really good points meoww and I think I ought to seriously look at myself and my own feelings and needs here. I can't claim to know my boyfriend inside out but the subject of porn has ALWAYS been really open for us, he's never had a problem me knowing hes watching or has been watching it. We've even talkied about various things he's seen. I think I'm coming accross a little wrong here but I don't know how to change that. We have an amazing relationship, I love him more than anything and we're truly the best of friends. This incident was a 10 minute thing that hasn't been mentioned since but has really shook me up. I'mnot nagging him or getting at him, not even offering the famous silent treatment we women so favour, things are just as normal but I'm still hung up on his reaction. Maybe I just need to try to forget it and concentrate on me but I suppose that I'm finding it hard. Thinking about it maybe I feel he SHOULD be able to share everything with me as I felt able to share even the biggest secret of my life with him. To me, rightly or wrongly I have to say a liking for porn or a particular type of porn doesn't come close on the scale of secrets to having been abused and so I feel he should be able to share that. I realise that he is not me and this may be huge for him, maybe I just feel a little let down that we can't share as much as I thought. Hey everyone needs privacy right. Perhaps I should just ask him to not leave the site on in future? Will that sound like I have a problem with him watching porn? I just don't know! Link to comment
BellaDonna Posted August 31, 2011 Share Posted August 31, 2011 insisted he had no fantasies of his own That is a lie- unless he were non-human or asexual, he must have some. But seeing that he is embarassed, don't pressure him to talk about it. Link to comment
Aurora81 Posted August 31, 2011 Author Share Posted August 31, 2011 Yes he would have lied then but fantasies are a very personal subject. True I just wish if that's the case he'd have said as much. He knows me and if he'd have said some things are private I'd have been ok with that. Despite how I may be coming accross I'm laid back 99% of the time Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted August 31, 2011 Share Posted August 31, 2011 True I just wish if that's the case he'd have said as much. He knows me and if he'd have said some things are private I'd have been ok with that. Despite how I may be coming accross I'm laid back 99% of the time Think of the context you asked though - you caught him looking something up on the net that isn't 'norm' porn. It would have thrown me off guard to be asked that question by my fiance as well. Link to comment
Aurora81 Posted August 31, 2011 Author Share Posted August 31, 2011 That is a lie- unless he were non-human or asexual, he must have some. But seeing that he is embarassed, don't pressure him to talk about it. That's what I thought. I suppose I believed that the person I've known for 8 years and been with for 7 would have made this clear though. I think I'm having a hard time understanding why he couldn't just be honest (if this is the case) and say "I don't feel comfortable sharing my fantasies at the moment" or something. It's so unlike him. I do think I should try to forget this but I would love to be able to clear the air and let him know I'm not interested in prying or checking up on him. That I understand his fantasies are private and I won't be asking again. He's been on edge a little the past few days, do you think it would be worth bringing up he subject so we could put it to bed or do you think the tension will go naturally? Link to comment
Aurora81 Posted August 31, 2011 Author Share Posted August 31, 2011 Think of the context you asked though - you caught him looking something up on the net that isn't 'norm' porn. It would have thrown me off guard to be asked that question by my fiance as well. I never really thought about that. Thinking about it, when we have talked about things he's watched in the past it's always been fairly softcore stuff, maybe he was just embarassed because he's never mentioned this kind of stuff to me before. Honestly though do men think we're stupid, of course I know he's going to be watching more hardcore porn than he lets on lol Strange isn't it how having something going around and around in your head can get out of hand and seem a massive deal and then when you talk about it with someone it puts it into perspective. Not a jealous insecure lunatic, just needed to talk it through Thanks for all your help everyone Link to comment
Deciduous Posted August 31, 2011 Share Posted August 31, 2011 Hi Aurora81, I realise you feel very disturbed by this, but you've crept into a tiny part of him that is desperately private. Inadvertantly, you have over-stepped a personal boundary. You weren't to know, but this is his call now, what he feels comfortable sharing and what he doesn't. He was put on the spot and asked to explain his private thoughts. He had declined before in bed and he is entitled to decline now. Who knows, in a couple of years this might of come out. But, fact is, he is not happy sharing it now. And that is his call to make, don't you think. He is entitled to an inner life. You shared a very big and painful part of your past and he has honoured that. Can you do the same for him by allowing him to move at his own pace too. And if he chooses not to discuss it, then so be it. I do believe an apology would stand you in good stead with your man. He wants to trust you and know he can reveal things in his own time IF HE CHOOSES. The is the equivelent of being outed and very unsettling it is too. My gut is that this is an invasion of privacy. Not you finding the stuff, you meant no ill will, but you forcing him to give account of himself. That's where the invasion comes in. Given your sad history, he may have been worried about frightening you off. Perhaps he thought he was protecting you. Who knows? Any-way let him have that piece of himself if he so chooses. It might be the time to demonstrate that you trust him and respect his boundaries, no matter how foolish you think they are. All the best Deci Link to comment
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