Nyxx Posted August 31, 2011 Share Posted August 31, 2011 A little background: I'm almost 25 and I am engaged to a 26-year-old man. I graduated from college with a B.A. in Art and Art History in 2008, and my fiance has just returned to school recently for Law Enforcement. For the last year and a half, I've been the "bread winner," and I had worked pretty much constantly before that since I was 15 and all through college and high school. I'm not lazy, I'm not stupid, and I'm definitely not opposed to hard work. For the past year and a half, I've been making a good chunk of change working as an administrative assistant at a police department. I like the people I work with, especially my boss, the Chief; I like the environment (I even have my own office with a giant bullet-proof window), and for the most part, the work is ok. But for some reason, I find that most days, I really hate life. It's an enormous struggle to get myself out of bed every morning, and I've been more prone to panic attacks and bouts of depression lately as well. I should also mention that, before I got this job, I had been fired from my previous one for reasons I'd rather not disclose. After that, I was unemployed for eleven months and unable to find even a fast food job. My fiance somehow was able to support us both on his part-time retail position, but I think those eleven months really took a toll on me. I think I started gaining a different sort of perspective. I wasn't happy where I was, but mostly because I was letting my fiance and me down. I should have been able to provide and I couldn't. And since it was still early in our relationship, I didn't feel that my fiance had any reason to support me. But he did. I was consumed with self-loathing and couldn't help feeling guilty that I had brought this demise on myself, and essentially on both of us. And now, having a job again, I find I'm a little...jumpy, I guess. Whenever I hear a stern tone or ask to have a meeting in someone's office, I always think, "It's me, I know it is. I did something wrong and now I'll have to face that humiliation all over again." But you can imagine that, when I finally found this position (which pays twice as much as my last job), I was ecstatic. I was so grateful for the opportunity to pick myself up and forgive myself for my mistakes, and I still am grateful. There's no way I can repay the Chief for taking such a large risk on me. But still this feeling persists. This job can be very stressful, but I don't feel that's the sole problem. Most nights, when I get home from work, I feel angry and full of hatred. That usually gives way to sadness as that energy quickly drains to exhaustion. I feel there's no particular reason for it; I just feel so desperate and trapped. Like I don't belong here. Even with all the positives, it just feels wrong. I fancy myself as an artist and a writer, but I rarely have the time for these things anymore. There's a house to keep clean, food to cook, a rabbit to feed and visit (we aren't allowed to have her in our rented place, so we have to drive to the fiance's mom's to see her every day). There are oil changes, car repairs, doctor's and dentist's appointment to make/go to, grocery shopping, laundry, mowing the lawn, weeding... it never ends. And I think about these things every day at work and how much better our quality of life could be if I could stay home and do them. Don't think that I'm just jumping in to this without thinking. I've put a lot of thought into it, and I'll have at least another few years to consider it further. The fiance still has two years of school left, then an indeterminate amount of time before he's hired, then another year before he completes probation before I'd feel comfortable making a move in that direction. I'm thinking it'll be about four years from now. In addition, I feel we'd need to buy a place of our own first before we made this decision. In less than a year's time, I will have saved $30k, and I believe that'll be enough to put a downpayment on a nice townhome (which is our goal). I don't want to be a housewife so I can "just sit on my ass all day." If this is what you think, you should meet an actual housewife. I have plenty of ambitions in life but, as my degree suggests, not many allow me to pursue those ambitions in the work force. And no, we are not having kids, so I wouldn't be making this choice to be a stay-at-home mom. Here are the reasons why I want to be a housewife: -Spend more time with the fiance, especially since, as a cop, he'll be working a schedule completely opposite of mine, at least for a few years. -It'll be easier to align our schedules when it comes to vacations, holidays, and days off. As a new cop, he'll probably be working a lot of holidays that I, as a 9-5er, would have off. This also would give us more time and opportunity to travel. -He and I would have to spend less time cleaning together, like we normally do. I would get it done during the day and he wouldn't have to worry about it when he gets home from a long 12-hour shift. (This may also apply to cooking, but he and I love to cook together - that's one of our leisure activities - but I certainly could cook when we don't have time). -Same goes for laundry and dishes. He'll only have a couple uniforms that will need to be clean, and he won't have much time to spend washing them. -We'd have a better grasp of our finances and I'd be able to track our budget more closely (something I'm good at anyway and already do at work.) -We'd cut down on our gas and car maintenance costs, or even go down to one car, if I wasn't working. This would save us quite a bit of time and money, since car maintenance is one of our biggest headaches. -I'd have more time to pursue my art and writing, especially since time is the main thing keeping me from trying to start a business. I'd have a lot more time to invest in getting it off the ground. Right now, I have several different artistic interests, and all have made me a good amount of money in the past. I'm sure I could make it work if I had the time. -I'd have time to volunteer, something I've wanted to get back into. I used to volunteer at animal shelters, and I'd love to foster a dog or cat (or other pet). I've never had time to volunteer as a docent at an art museum downtown, something I've been really interested in and would use my degree a lot more than my current job does. -If I have too much time (unlikely) or need a little supplemental income, I'd love to get a job that doesn't pay a lot, but is something I enjoy. The greatest job I ever had was working at Starbucks when I was 16. -Obviously, I'd be under less stress and could enjoy my life more. As it is, even on weekends, I find myself constantly thinking about work. I feel like I never have an opportunity to relax, and it's psychologically damaging to me and to the fiance, since he sees how unhappy I am. I even feel like it's damaging our relationship, and I hate that. I hate myself for that. Believe me, I would never ever make this decision without consulting the fiance first. We've talked about it a little, but we've both been so busy, we rarely have a chance. The main thing I want to express to him is that I don't want to use him as my sugar daddy, so to speak. I don't want him to keep a job so I don't have to. That's not the way I'm thinking about it. I want this to be a symbiotic relationship in which we both feel appreciated for what we can contribute. But we have a lot more talking to do on the matter before I just up and quit. I grew up with a mother who pushed me to be career-minded. In my opinion, she's a workaholic, but I can also respect how far she's gotten herself in the professional world. I guess the whole reason why I'm asking this question is because I was taught that it's wrong to "just be a housewife." I feel like, if my mom knew that's what I wanted, she'd be incredibly disappointed in me and tell me I'm throwing away my expensive degree and, in essence, my life. But I don't feel that way. My mom is a slave to her work and she is obviously unhappy. I feel like I'm throwing away my life right now, just hoping for the hours and days to go faster. My life doesn't belong to me. To me, life is all about enjoying what you do, what you learn, and what others can teach you. It's not about earning more and more to please yourself and your family. Life is so short, how can we spend any of it being unhappy? This is all I want. Neither the fiance nor I want kids, we don't want or need a big, beautiful house or new cars - we just want to be comfortable. If I stayed in my job after he got his, yes, we'd be making more money, but we wouldn't be comfortable. We wouldn't be happy. When it comes down to it, the only reason to keep working is to, obviously, make more money. But for what? So we can have more things? I want to see my fiance, travel, spend time together. And, all things considered, which is really more important? Does anyone have any insight on the matter? I don't mean to say that being career-minded is wrong. It's just wrong for me. I know many people who gain large amounts of satisfaction out of their success at work, and I envy that. If only I could be happy where I am. But I'm not. And something needs to change. But I'm so terribly torn... Please help. Link to comment
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