Is it wrong to want to be a housewife?

[Nyxx]

A little background: I'm almost 25 and I am engaged to a 26-year-old man. I graduated from college with a B.A. in Art and Art History in 2008, and my fiance has just returned to school recently for Law Enforcement. For the last year and a half, I've been the "bread winner," and I had worked pretty much constantly before that since I was 15 and all through college and high school. I'm not lazy, I'm not stupid, and I'm definitely not opposed to hard work. For the past year and a half, I've been making a good chunk of change working as an administrative assistant at a police department. I like the people I work with, especially my boss, the Chief; I like the environment (I even have my own office with a giant bullet-proof window), and for the most part, the work is ok. But for some reason, I find that most days, I really hate life.

 

It's an enormous struggle to get myself out of bed every morning, and I've been more prone to panic attacks and bouts of depression lately as well. I should also mention that, before I got this job, I had been fired from my previous one for reasons I'd rather not disclose. After that, I was unemployed for eleven months and unable to find even a fast food job. My fiance somehow was able to support us both on his part-time retail position, but I think those eleven months really took a toll on me. I think I started gaining a different sort of perspective. I wasn't happy where I was, but mostly because I was letting my fiance and me down. I should have been able to provide and I couldn't. And since it was still early in our relationship, I didn't feel that my fiance had any reason to support me. But he did. I was consumed with self-loathing and couldn't help feeling guilty that I had brought this demise on myself, and essentially on both of us. And now, having a job again, I find I'm a little...jumpy, I guess. Whenever I hear a stern tone or ask to have a meeting in someone's office, I always think, "It's me, I know it is. I did something wrong and now I'll have to face that humiliation all over again."

 

But you can imagine that, when I finally found this position (which pays twice as much as my last job), I was ecstatic. I was so grateful for the opportunity to pick myself up and forgive myself for my mistakes, and I still am grateful. There's no way I can repay the Chief for taking such a large risk on me.

 

But still this feeling persists. This job can be very stressful, but I don't feel that's the sole problem. Most nights, when I get home from work, I feel angry and full of hatred. That usually gives way to sadness as that energy quickly drains to exhaustion. I feel there's no particular reason for it; I just feel so desperate and trapped. Like I don't belong here. Even with all the positives, it just feels wrong.

 

I fancy myself as an artist and a writer, but I rarely have the time for these things anymore. There's a house to keep clean, food to cook, a rabbit to feed and visit (we aren't allowed to have her in our rented place, so we have to drive to the fiance's mom's to see her every day). There are oil changes, car repairs, doctor's and dentist's appointment to make/go to, grocery shopping, laundry, mowing the lawn, weeding... it never ends. And I think about these things every day at work and how much better our quality of life could be if I could stay home and do them.

 

Don't think that I'm just jumping in to this without thinking. I've put a lot of thought into it, and I'll have at least another few years to consider it further. The fiance still has two years of school left, then an indeterminate amount of time before he's hired, then another year before he completes probation before I'd feel comfortable making a move in that direction. I'm thinking it'll be about four years from now. In addition, I feel we'd need to buy a place of our own first before we made this decision. In less than a year's time, I will have saved $30k, and I believe that'll be enough to put a downpayment on a nice townhome (which is our goal).

 

I don't want to be a housewife so I can "just sit on my ass all day." If this is what you think, you should meet an actual housewife. I have plenty of ambitions in life but, as my degree suggests, not many allow me to pursue those ambitions in the work force. And no, we are not having kids, so I wouldn't be making this choice to be a stay-at-home mom.

 

Here are the reasons why I want to be a housewife:

-Spend more time with the fiance, especially since, as a cop, he'll be working a schedule completely opposite of mine, at least for a few years.

-It'll be easier to align our schedules when it comes to vacations, holidays, and days off. As a new cop, he'll probably be working a lot of holidays that I, as a 9-5er, would have off. This also would give us more time and opportunity to travel.

-He and I would have to spend less time cleaning together, like we normally do. I would get it done during the day and he wouldn't have to worry about it when he gets home from a long 12-hour shift. (This may also apply to cooking, but he and I love to cook together - that's one of our leisure activities - but I certainly could cook when we don't have time).

-Same goes for laundry and dishes. He'll only have a couple uniforms that will need to be clean, and he won't have much time to spend washing them.

-We'd have a better grasp of our finances and I'd be able to track our budget more closely (something I'm good at anyway and already do at work.)

-We'd cut down on our gas and car maintenance costs, or even go down to one car, if I wasn't working. This would save us quite a bit of time and money, since car maintenance is one of our biggest headaches.

-I'd have more time to pursue my art and writing, especially since time is the main thing keeping me from trying to start a business. I'd have a lot more time to invest in getting it off the ground. Right now, I have several different artistic interests, and all have made me a good amount of money in the past. I'm sure I could make it work if I had the time.

-I'd have time to volunteer, something I've wanted to get back into. I used to volunteer at animal shelters, and I'd love to foster a dog or cat (or other pet). I've never had time to volunteer as a docent at an art museum downtown, something I've been really interested in and would use my degree a lot more than my current job does.

-If I have too much time (unlikely) or need a little supplemental income, I'd love to get a job that doesn't pay a lot, but is something I enjoy. The greatest job I ever had was working at Starbucks when I was 16.

-Obviously, I'd be under less stress and could enjoy my life more. As it is, even on weekends, I find myself constantly thinking about work. I feel like I never have an opportunity to relax, and it's psychologically damaging to me and to the fiance, since he sees how unhappy I am. I even feel like it's damaging our relationship, and I hate that. I hate myself for that.

 

Believe me, I would never ever make this decision without consulting the fiance first. We've talked about it a little, but we've both been so busy, we rarely have a chance. The main thing I want to express to him is that I don't want to use him as my sugar daddy, so to speak. I don't want him to keep a job so I don't have to. That's not the way I'm thinking about it. I want this to be a symbiotic relationship in which we both feel appreciated for what we can contribute. But we have a lot more talking to do on the matter before I just up and quit.

 

I grew up with a mother who pushed me to be career-minded. In my opinion, she's a workaholic, but I can also respect how far she's gotten herself in the professional world. I guess the whole reason why I'm asking this question is because I was taught that it's wrong to "just be a housewife." I feel like, if my mom knew that's what I wanted, she'd be incredibly disappointed in me and tell me I'm throwing away my expensive degree and, in essence, my life. But I don't feel that way. My mom is a slave to her work and she is obviously unhappy. I feel like I'm throwing away my life right now, just hoping for the hours and days to go faster. My life doesn't belong to me. To me, life is all about enjoying what you do, what you learn, and what others can teach you. It's not about earning more and more to please yourself and your family. Life is so short, how can we spend any of it being unhappy? This is all I want. Neither the fiance nor I want kids, we don't want or need a big, beautiful house or new cars - we just want to be comfortable. If I stayed in my job after he got his, yes, we'd be making more money, but we wouldn't be comfortable. We wouldn't be happy.

 

When it comes down to it, the only reason to keep working is to, obviously, make more money. But for what? So we can have more things? I want to see my fiance, travel, spend time together. And, all things considered, which is really more important?

 

Does anyone have any insight on the matter? I don't mean to say that being career-minded is wrong. It's just wrong for me. I know many people who gain large amounts of satisfaction out of their success at work, and I envy that. If only I could be happy where I am. But I'm not. And something needs to change. But I'm so terribly torn... Please help.

[Ariel85]

I don't have a problem with anyone being a full-time homemaker, but can you afford to live on one income?

 

And honestly, most people have full-time jobs and still take care of their errands.

 

Also, considering you're prone to depression, I'm not sure staying home all day is the best thing for you mentally.

 

Lastly, I think you need to work to keep yourself challenged and make sure you're still growing. You'd be surprised how stale and sedentary your life can become without a job.

 

I have a GF who had a killer executive job. Married a filty rich guy, who wanted her to stay home. So, she did. She once spent her days running the marketing department of a Fortune 100 company, and then she spent her days planning the dinner menu. She became so boring and her life became all about him, which then stifled him. Sure, he loved his osso bucco with homemade pasta on a TUE night, but she had nothing to talk about, and became an appendage to him, and their marriage suffered.

 

Anyway, I think you need to focus on finding work that fulfills you and you enjoy. You haven't found that yet. Once you tap into the well of happiness from your work, you will laugh to think you once considered staying home to be a good choice.

[Snny]

No problem about being a housewife unless your husband works a stable career and makes BANK. Cops are not huge money makers though they make great pay (depending on where you live). If I were you, I would have a serious discussion with your fiance about being housewife if you haven't. You need to find out how comfortable he is to be the prime financial supporter of a family. Are you both planning to have any children in the future? If so, then I highly recommend you find a career you are happy in because a cop does not make enough to support 4+ people.

 

Some background about me... my father is a Battalion Captain in one of the top Fire Departments in the US and my mother worked for the federal government. When they started out, they had a hard time raising their family financially. The good news is that the Fire Department is stable and my dad was top notch with what he does. My mother's situation... government jobs are cut on and off and there is no pension or stability.

 

-Spend more time with the fiance, especially since, as a cop, he'll be working a schedule completely opposite of mine, at least for a few years.

-It'll be easier to align our schedules when it comes to vacations, holidays, and days off. As a new cop, he'll probably be working a lot of holidays that I, as a 9-5er, would have off. This also would give us more time and opportunity to travel.

Not entirely true. My parents were able to have their 2+ week vacations taken off on the same time. My dad worked holidays and my family made adjustments to his schedule without any problems or fuss (sometimes we celebrated Christmas on Christmas Eve). Spending extra time with each other... if he isn't tired from working a LONG shift. My dad worked 24 hr shifts and would not want people bothering him for hours when he got home from work because he needed rest. Also, your fiance can be called down to the station for overtime work if you are not working.

 

-He and I would have to spend less time cleaning together, like we normally do. I would get it done during the day and he wouldn't have to worry about it when he gets home from a long 12-hour shift. (This may also apply to cooking, but he and I love to cook together - that's one of our leisure activities - but I certainly could cook when we don't have time).

If you both are working, you wouldn't have to worry about messing up your place since you aren't home as much.

 

-Same goes for laundry and dishes. He'll only have a couple uniforms that will need to be clean, and he won't have much time to spend washing them.

Not a big deal. Who's to say you can't combine your laundry with his? My mom has done this for over 25 years. I wash my fiance's medical scrubs with my laundry. Should be the least of your concerns.

 

-We'd have a better grasp of our finances and I'd be able to track our budget more closely (something I'm good at anyway and already do at work.)

My mom does this too while working a 7-5 job.

 

-We'd cut down on our gas and car maintenance costs, or even go down to one car, if I wasn't working. This would save us quite a bit of time and money, since car maintenance is one of our biggest headaches.

...

-I'd have time to volunteer, something I've wanted to get back into. I used to volunteer at animal shelters, and I'd love to foster a dog or cat (or other pet). I've never had time to volunteer as a docent at an art museum downtown, something I've been really interested in and would use my degree a lot more than my current job does.

...

-If I have too much time (unlikely) or need a little supplemental income, I'd love to get a job that doesn't pay a lot, but is something I enjoy. The greatest job I ever had was working at Starbucks when I was 16.

You still got to transport yourself to any job you pick up (volunteer or low paying) unless you use public transportation or carpool. The good thing about volunteering is you can pick your hours of when to come in and can work two days a week. Keep in mind when fostering a pet... you're adding vet bills.

 

 

Again... have a talk with your fiance about this and see how he feels about it.

[Snny]

Here's another concern....

 

1. RETIREMENT. You won't have pension or a retirement plan to support you as you get older. How will you handle your business if your husband dies before you and you continue to live 10+ years longer?

2. Say your husband gets killed in action while on duty. It happens to some families who have a member serving in the military, police, and fire rescue. How can you support yourself with very little career experience and he dies before he hits his elder years?

 

I know you were talking about starting a business and hopefully it will be successful. But it is a HUGE risk to take with the economy right now.

 

Most of the housewives I've heard have a husband who makes riches because they have a lot of money put away for these kind of emergencies. The police department will support you to an extent depending on what benefits your fiance has signed up for.

[OptomisticGirl]

If you were depressed while unemployed, I would not suggust becoming a full time housewife.

[tinkerbellkj]

If you were depressed while unemployed, I would not suggust becoming a full time housewife.

 

I agree. Personally, I wanted to be a SAHM and was depressed at the thought of it not happening, but now I can honestly say I'm so happy I'm not. Granted, I do most my work at home but I do work outside of the home at least a few times a week. Not saying that you won't enjoy being a housewive, but your depression is concerning.

 

Have you spoke to your fiance? What does he say? And can you afford it? Not to sound rude, but cops (at least in the areas I have lived) do not make a ton of money where one income is really feasible. Also remember if you are home you are likely to spend more money doing activities (to keep from being bored and depressed) that you may not have because you do not have the extra income.

[hrtlsngl7]

I don't know where you're from, and I didn't read your novel....but I suggest you take a vacation w/ your man w/ your huge chunk of change w/o having to worry about a kid (if you don't have one). Go somewhere on you're bucket-list. It worked for me. Puts stuff in perspective.

Households need as much income and savings as possible in this day and age. That's my answer. Money can't buy love or happiness, but neither can being broke.

[abitbroken]

I would not turn to being a housewife as an escape from your stressful career. From what you wrote, I would suggest practicing relaxation techniques, such as yoga or joining a hiking group to burn of steam. What about a manicure or something pampering once in awhile? Counseling may also help - you need to process whatever happened on your last job. You have got to get the anxiety and panic under control. It will only be worse if you decide to stay home, especially if a bill gets behind or you don't have dinner on the table in time for your personal standards.

 

I would stay at your job for now and let the wedding come and play out. Go on your honeymoon, then settle in to married life in the jobs you have. To get vacations together, you are just going to have to plan farther in advance and maybe have a day or two to yourself before or after. After a time, when he gets more solid in his job, then maybe reassess things. But not now. Not quite yet. you need to handle your personal issues first.

 

btw, I was a housewife for a time so speak from experience. We almost got custody of my ex's niece but that was not why I did it.

[thejigsup]

I suppose staying at home without kids to take care of is SORT of a life, but not much of one. You are trying to escape your fears, not deal with them. I would go crazy staying home full time. I felt useless and "less than" even though I had my infant son at home. I feel like a slacker now as I only have one job and go to school and run a household. Usually I have two or three jobs. I'm an admitted workaholic and I get my highs from my job. You can see how I have trouble relating to your situation.

[petite]

No there is nothing wrong with being a housewife, if that is what you want; but because you have experienced depression and anxiety it might actually make you feel even more alone, lonely and out of the loop so to speak. However, appointment making and car maintenance doesn't really take that much time away so I don't see why one would need to be a housewife in order to do it. If your car is giving your trouble, sell it and get something else.

Since you also aren't planing on having children, you might consider having a part-time job at least so that you have some time away from your usually friends and partner. Another option would be finding a job which you might actually enjoy and really like; or you can actually build a stable career and then down the line once you buy a home, save some money you can be a housewife.

 

Honestly, the way I see it, being a housewife with a pet doesn't seem that hard that one needs to quit working; unless children are involved I think that's different, but taking care of two-person home doesn't take up 12 hours every single day. I personally would be really bored.

 

You're still so young and have so many working years left in you, it's better to build a solid CV now than to try and do it once you're in your late 30's or 40's because you might get bored of being at home.

[animal 2011]

Ok...whew, that was a lot to read! Lol ...I didn't even read the responses! So, first off, you seem like you would make an excellent homemaker! He's a lucky man to have you. Hopefully you have the energy to be so productive, I sure don't. You know what you want in life and that is great! Don't let anyone make you feel "less than" for your contributions in life. You should show your fiance and mother what you have written here as it goes into elaborate detail of who you really are and what you want in YOUR life. They will understand and respect it. I consider you extremely lucky to have this option. I would Love to have this option in my life, as i would choose it in a heartbeat. your contributions to the animal shelter is so noble and appreciated, please continue to pursue it! If you want a little extra income, you can always work as a substitute teacher like myself, and that way you get to choose your schedule. All you need is a B.A. and in my district, you must work at least one day per month to keep your job. Another option is to continue administrative work, but only part time if possible. That way, if your life doesn't go as planned and you and your fiance don't make it, you will have current job skills to fall back on. I wish you the best...oh, and to answer your question, there is Nothing wrong with wanting to be a homemaker. I want the same

[Miss Firecracker]

Just be 100% sure this is what you want. After 15 years or so, you will not be in demand so much.

 

And if you do decide to quit working, remember one word...SWEEPSTAKES!

[Devchonka]

I am just like you. I have an a bfa and a Masters in art ed. I'm working a job that is pretty good though not entirely in my field, the job is almost ideal actually, except for the pay and the commute hours, which are awful. I find myself thinking about being an artist all the time, how much I would love to paint if I would ever have any time for that, and all of the chores I have to do at home whenever I do get home. I think about how much easier it would be if I could stay home, become a legitimate artist, and then cook for my husband and clean the house and do all the chores I still have to do after I go to work, with the commute I dont get home until very late. I basically have no weekend because that is when my chores get done since I get home so late. I wouldnt even mind having a part time job, maybe teaching a couple of days a week. My biggest problem is that my husband thinks I want to do this to be lazy, he doesn't understand that I want to paint, which is what I am meant to do, for which I have no time, and I would be a happier person for him, unlike now when both of us are totally exhausted all the time and are snippy at each other as a result. He thinks that since he has to work i should work as well, though somehow all of the stuff I do outside of work apparently gets done by a mysterious ghost chore woman. I hope when our school loans are paid off there is a chance I might be able to do this, if he ever would understand. It's nice to know I'm not alone.

[blueidealist24]

Why don't you drop down to working part-time and see how that goes? Or get one of those low-paying jobs like Starbucks as you mentioned, so you'll be more able to book off time when you want.

[WockaWocka]

No judgment against SAHMs here, I think every woman should be able to make a choice. However in your case it seems like the panic attacks and stress and fear are making the decision for you. As others have said if you are prone to depression it will be really difficult not to spiral downward if you are at home all day. Cops work such long hours and it can be unpredictable. If--god forbid--you become a widow or you get divorced and you have been out of the workforce for a long time it will be difficult to find something that interests you.

 

I would suggest trying to go to the root of the problem, looking for relaxation techniques, or consulting a counselor or professional on ways to help manage. You may have a diagnosable condition like social anxiety or depression that you could get help for. No matter what, even if you do stay at home, try to maintain a sense of structure with fixed activities like exercise, volunteering, groups - things to get you out of the house regularly. I am prone to depression and working in an office (despite the stress!) is honestly one of the best things for me.

 

Good luck, and take care of yourself

[Jetta]

My suggestion is that you should ask to convert to part-time. Since you stuggle with depression and panic attacks, depression will get worse if you have no social outlet, or cannot contribute financially to the household. I too desired to be a homemaker and it was the worst experience of my life. I loved being with my children but the stress of being a one income household was too much for me to bear, especially when my husband kept losing his job. Seriously consider part-time instead, ask your job if they would allow you to work part-time instead, my old job offered it to me (for less pay and no benefits) but it was still better than no job.

[pl3asehelp]

I would hope you get a hefty life insurance policy as a cop.