Really grateful for a guy's perspective on this one

[coldanddistant]

How does a grown man in his late thirties, living in his parents' basement, unemployed and completely humiliated by his situation feel when he is in a relationship?

 

If you were in a relationship and this were your current life situation, how do you think you would treat your girlfriend? Would you get closer to her and welcome her support? Would you talk to her about how you felt? Would you push her away because you felt humiliated? Would you rather be alone?

 

Grateful for male perspectives on this.

Many thanks.

[oldenoughtoknow]

People handle humiliation in different ways. I would get closer to her, talk to her and gain strength from her support. Some might let their pride get in the way, and would rather suffer their humiliation alone. I think I would choose the healthier alternative - relationships are supposed to be a partnership. Although I'm sure it might take some getting used to really leaning on someone while you get your life back in order.

[Deciduous]

Hi coldand distant,

 

Why don't you tell us your story. It's hard to give acurate advice (male or female,) with only a few vague hypothesis that don't flesh out the situation.

 

I'm sure people would be happy to help if they had a clear idea of the background.

 

Good luck

 

Deci

[In the Dark]

Basically .... happens.

 

Everybody's life is different and sometimes it comes to going back home at a stage in your life where you feel that you should be out there living and coping fine by yourself.

But sometimes times are indeed hard and you need to do what have to do.

 

In many cases a female would not even consider a man at that age living at home.

Probably even leave them once they find out regardless of the situation.

There is an expectation for a man to be able to live by themselves, some men expect the same of a woman.

 

The best way to think about it is, you are lucky that a woman is staying by your side regardless of such a situation.

 

Many women will say it's fine as long as they are trying to get out of home as soon as possible but I am more inclined to think they would just not consider them at all.

[coldanddistant]

Guess I kept my initial post vague as I wanted to get a hypothetical response from forum members about how they would treat their girlfriend in this situation.

 

Long story short, things were wonderful before the unemployment situation kicked in. Then I was pushed away. It was very sad for me because I WANTED to be there for him, wanted to provide support and wanted to get closer. I accepted his situation as one of life's many stumbling blocks and felt sad that he felt so humiliated about his situation.

 

Ultimately, I posted my message/question in this forum because I wondered whether his current life situation was the reason why he pushed me away or whether it was simply because I wasn't the right person for him and he was too afraid to tell me.

 

Thank you for your replies. More perspectives would be very welcome.

[purrbaby]

I'm not a guy but I can give some perspective because I just got out of a similar situation. My now ex is living with his grandparents and does not have a license nor a car. He has a college degree, a pretty decent paying job and could definitely afford to live on his own and be independent. However, he just refuses to grow up and is ok with his situation. I do believe it's humiliating for him tho as he now lost a great relationship over his reluctance to change his own situation (that he claimed he wanted to change). He pushed me away, whether intentional or not, he still did. I tried so many different ways to "help" him and be there for him. But there's only so much you can do for a person, they have to put in the effort too and I see that now and that's why I broke it off. I don't know if that helped, I totally get where you are coming from and how you're feeling.

[In the Dark]

Most likely humiliation.

 

There is a HUGE pressure for men to be the one who brings home most of the bread.

And well....he's no where near doing that.

 

He is most likely humiliated that at his age, he does not own a home or anywhere near financially capable of doing so giving the feeling of a weak and worthless individual.

This in turn can pose a negativity which also gets unleashed on a loved one as humans do some stupid things.

 

Once a door opens for him and he is able to get on his feet again, being able to support himself to resolve the issue resulting in his humiliation, there maybe a chance of being with him again.

[pl3asehelp]

Honestly I would probably break up so I could focus 100% of my energy on getting out of my parents basement. That's how much I would hate living in that situation. I would probably rather be homeless that live in my Mom's basement. But, this is just because of who my Mom is. Sounds harsh I know, but relationships take time and effort and your girlfriend deserves that.

[abitbroken]

If you are the girlfriend in the situation, I would just give him space. Invite him to things you know that he can reciprocate with similar plans - like going for a hike at the woods or park, going to an outdoor art festival (where no purchase is required) to people watch, going for ice cream on a nice summer night, duck watching at the pond. Guys usually don't have a problem with women paying but they want the feeling that they can pay for stuff and provide too for their own self worth, so if you ask them out to things that are on the level that they can reciprocate, they'll ask you out and treat you to an ice cream or going to watch fireworks, etc. that cost little or nothing but they feel they can afford to invite you out to those plans. But I wouldn't push. Let him reach out as far as if he wants you to "be there for him" or not.

 

I would say in my late 30s, I would expect that a guy saved enough of a cushion to be able to skate along on emergency funds for a few months to regroup rather than to move to his parents basement, where at 28 maybe that is what he does. But I can't comment on his individual situation as I don't know how hard a fall it was for him or what he lost. But by the late 30s, you really wouldn't want to picture yourself in your late 30s with a child and then the only option is his parents basement. So in general, I have mixed feelings I guess.

[coldanddistant]

Thanks very much to everyone for your input, it is greatly appreciated.

 

I guess I'm still struggling with the fact that a man could be so humiliated by his temporarily difficult life situation that he would push his girlfriend away. I just don't understand, would you push the love of your life/woman of your dreams away if you were in this situation? It's like what oldenoughtoknow said above "relationships are supposed to be a partnership". We stand by each other in difficult times.

[MK9]

I wouldn't push her away. Accept any help I can get. Trying to improve my situation for us both. If she's doesn't mind then I think I am very lucky to have found a girl that like me for me, and she doesn't measure success by materials and things.

[coldanddistant]

I wouldn't push her away. Accept any help I can get. Trying to improve my situation for us both. If she's doesn't mind then I think I am very lucky to have found a girl that like me for me, and she doesn't measure success by materials and things.

 

Thank you MK9, I'm very grateful for what you wrote. I think intuitively this is the right answer in my specific case. Ultimately I think I was pushed away not because of the humiliation he felt, but because I wasn't the right person for him and he wasn't able to tell me so.