DayX Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 Hi all, let me start off by saying that i love my husband more than life itself but i am worried that he may be either into men as well or just gay. Don't get me wrong, i have a few gay friends and it wouldn't bother me to have another.... Except that i married this one! And we have a child together! K let me start with facts: He likes anal play... On himself He admitted to me that he had a butt plug when we first met and he walked around with it. When he told me this i was inexperienced to toys and thought "cool, lemme try". I know straight guys like the feeling too and before u geta crazy idea about this, his toy was fairly small. Like slightly bigger than his index finger. K here is where it gets intense... I found pictures and videos of him doing things to himself with my sex toys. It really messed me up. They were hidden on his computer. And btw i wasnt snooping i was looking for picture of our last visit to the zoo to send to my parents. Anyways I did eventually confront him about this but it was months later. He seemed kind of mad at first then went on to say how it was just a phase and it didn't matter. I checked a while later and they were gone. He deleted them! Then he seemed to be acting extra "manly" around me and sort of distanced himself. The weird thing about it is that i could tell he was lying. We recently did renos on the house and could tell thst the most recent video was not even a few months ago. I feel like he is cheating on me. Why else would someone take sexual videos and pictures?? I half expected them to be posted on a gay site for men. This is the most concrete info i have. Other than that, he has always been overly emotional and extra sensitive but i know that's just stereotyping... Honestly until now that im really facing this and putting it on paper i have never thought of it as anything to hint at his sexuality. Ive spoken with his older brother about this amd he said that he would love him no matter what but that it wasnt a new theory!!!! I mean what do i say to that? Apparently his whole immediate family always thought he was gay! K i camt write anymore. I feel so embarassed and fooled. What should i do? What CAN i do??? Pls help Link to comment
DN Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 I don't think that this is evidence that he is gay but that he has a minor and harmless fetish. Even if he is bi-sexual it may not matter (not for me to tell you how you should feel) so long as he isn't cheating. Link to comment
Kitkat973 Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 Anal play isn't indicative of sexuality, and he wouldn't be the first person to take videos of himself masturbating for his own personal use. If you want to find out the why behind his behavior, I think that you need to sit down and talk with him. I would be careful to not broach the subject by making assumptions about his sexuality- rather let him explain to you where he's coming from. Link to comment
Angel Irulan Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 If someone else is taking those pics and vids, he's got someone else involved in his *fetish* "giggles". Yes, I would say he's gay. I am reluctant to say he's bi, because so many of my male gay friends contend they always were gay and just afraid and married and had children to hide it. So, what do you want to do about all this? Confront him? Angel Link to comment
DayX Posted August 30, 2011 Author Share Posted August 30, 2011 I didnt want to get to descriptive but it wasnt just masturbating. It was (both pics and vids) of him deepthroating my "toy" and doing himself in the butt the videos i saw... That are long gone now... Were taken over the course of years. He also told me he thought he could have been gay with one of his friend. I was so taken aback by that. And kitkat i did confront him. It took me awhile but things seemed to have gotten worse. He acts like it never happened and now when we have sex if i go anywhere near his butt he freaks and asks what im doing. Link to comment
DayX Posted August 30, 2011 Author Share Posted August 30, 2011 Ive never actually asked if he was gay... I just asked what was with the videos. I dont want to come accross as attackinh him but we need to discuss this... I just dony know how to start because it's been about 2 yrs since i found those videos and pictures. The only thing that even hints at him cheating is that the vids and pics are intimate. They are like what you'd send to you SO. So to answer ur question angel, no they dont look like someone helped lol. Link to comment
DayX Posted August 30, 2011 Author Share Posted August 30, 2011 Btw sorry for all the typos i'm on my phone at the coffee shop trying to clear my head. Link to comment
DayX Posted August 30, 2011 Author Share Posted August 30, 2011 Ok, I'm sitting here slightly freaking out. Staring into my baby girl's eyes I see that it's not just my life my husband is affecting. We need to talk. I called my husband a minute ago and we've agreed to meet at the park downtown when he's off work in an hour. Hoping I'm just crazy... Wish me luck. Link to comment
Staple Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 I don't know why you have to say "I don't mind gays" etc... I mean seriously, its your husband, if he's gay this is a serious problem for you and its not right. Link to comment
FathomFear Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 All the things you list relate to his liking of anal play and autoeroticism/autosexuality (it, being attracted to yourself). These don't really have anything to do with homosexuality. I mean, if a Fleshlight were his toy of choice (Google it if you don't know what that is and he had taken pictures of videos of himself using it, would you be having the same concerns? Link to comment
abitbroken Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 Some people video themselves because they have exhibitionist fantasies and that is the safest way to play them out. He could be someone with that fantasy, but has the sense to know its a fantasy. I will admit to using a hand mirror when masturbating. It is not about exhibitionism, but more like seeing what I am doing. I guess that if you are doing certain things you can't really see the mirror, so maybe the video camera or the computer is the way to sort of see it. I don't think anal play is inherently "gay". Someone I was with had the fantasy to try it, etc. It is something that is just a different sensation or its the idea of forbiddenness that's exciting. It doesn't mean that he wants you do it with a guy. Some women even like it (i don't, but some do), and anal play or sex with a woman for a man is not homosexual. Anyway, that being said, you have a choice to approach this in several ways. 1) Do nothing. 2) Freak out. 3) Sort of introduce the idea of using the big mirror you use to check out your outfit as a tool during sex or bring up the idea of what if you guys set the camera up not to record, but to see it on the tv in your bedroom while you do it. If that idea is really exciting to him, you could have found how to press his buttons and share a fantasy together. Set the ground rules that you won't actually record in case a little one is old enough to snoop around. Or have it a ritual where you record a few minutes then immediately tape over or erase. And why not find some sex toys the both of you can enjoy and use on eachother? Link to comment
Angel Irulan Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 The big thing is that you might be exposing yourself to HIV. TEST YOURSELF IMMEDIATELY!!! Please. You have a young daughter whose life you must consider. A mom who's exposed is just not good news for her. I would never trust my husband again. Unless I were going to adopt a swinger lifestyle, I would get out. Now. I think him freaking out when you approach his anal area during sex, especially given his past history, is a harbinger of bad things. Hugs Angel Link to comment
DN Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 I think it way too soon to assume that this man is doing anything with anyone other than his wife or himself. At the moment there is zero evidence of anything other than what he is doing alone. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 The big thing is that you might be exposing yourself to HIV. TEST YOURSELF IMMEDIATELY!!! Please. You have a young daughter whose life you must consider. A mom who's exposed is just not good news for her. I would never trust my husband again. Unless I were going to adopt a swinger lifestyle, I would get out. Now. Hugs Angel I guess I missed the part about knowing he was actually cheating. Cameras and videos have ways to record yourself with timers and remotes and all sorts of gadgets so just because its a picture of him doesn't mean someone else took it. And you can edit out the parts where you set up the camera. I agree she should get tested if she suspects anything, etc, or take precautions. But I think this one first needs to be approached with love and understanding. It could be that she married a guy who is faithful but is just a little kinky. If love, understanding, and "can't beat em, join em," doesn't work, then go from there. It at least will improve emotional intimacy. but if you do establish that he likes anal play, just insist that he cannot touch that area and then finger you because of the transfer of bacteria from front to back. Link to comment
Angel Irulan Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 If you read her other post, she's had ideas that he's not invested completely with her and that he's cheated on her before. I presume the worst in this situation because I feel that if it were innocent, he would not have had a fit about her touching him during sex (in the anal area.) To me that says he's manipulating her, particularly when she found those photos and he previously had disclosed that he liked sex play in the anal area. Then suddenly he doesn't? Suddenly it's distasteful to him? I don't buy it. If it were me, given everything, I would cut my losses and run. She has a child to care for and a man who may be having sex with both her and other men. I know plenty of people who have died of AIDS. It would be a shame if she were one of them! Angel Link to comment
Deciduous Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 Hi DayX, Forgive my bluntness. Wouldn't the biggest clue be with how his sex life is with you. Is he happy enough? Does he avoid it? Is he only keen on certain positions? Has his behaviour and sexual preferences position wise and frequency drastically changed over the years. What rings alarm bells with me is his refusal to discuss it. Either he doesn't know what it means - or - he does and hasn't come to terms with it. There really is not much you can do at this stage. Yes, it is a pretty specific fetish and one that immitates homosexual sex. The butt plug isn't neccessarily a sign, the prostrate is an erogenous zone I hear, but the deep-throating? That I would question. He may well be bi-sexual. Or he may just be bi-curious. It really is difficult to tell at this stage. Again I would go back to your own sex life. What clues does it throw up? If there are none specific then I would go back to FathomFear's autoeroticism/autosexuality theory. Angel - If it were me, given everything, I would cut my losses and run. She has a child to care for and a man who may be having sex with both her and other men. I know plenty of people who have died of AIDS. It would be a shame if she were one of them! I think that's an insy-weensy bit dramatic. Running off into the night fleeing with your young offspring would be a rather idiotic thing to do at this stage. Angel, sweetie, we are talking about real people here, not an episode of the Young and the Restless. It's a little soon to break up the family. Deci Link to comment
Kitkat973 Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 His statement that he could've been interested in one of his friends does say that he's not a 1 on the Kinsey scale. You mention that you found the video two years ago. What's bringing this back up now? Did something happen? Link to comment
DayX Posted August 30, 2011 Author Share Posted August 30, 2011 Hi all, thanks for all the info for me to think about. Kitkat... I guess that it's always been on my mind. We've only been together for just almost 2 yrs now. The only official cheating he's done... was with me. When we met he was with someone else. We hooked up and moved fast. I guess I've been so preocupied with a new relationship, then engagedment, mariage, baby that I haven't had time to digest it all. Also, don't know if this matters but 3/4 of those videos he recorded when he was with his ex. Ok well he should be here any minute now, don't quite know what to say... Link to comment
abitbroken Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 Well...if those videos were with an ex, they are in the past. You CAN talk to him and tell him that you are not comfortable with having things that were from him and his ex. That is reasonable. And that sheds a different light. You know he thought taping things was kinky, then. So that is why i mentioned that if you are game, what about playing his fantasies out with him instead of freaking? Also, if you guys moved quickly it could be why maybe he seems to have stepped back or is not as invested in the relationship. Babies change things, but also things could have moved to lightning speed to "normal" and you guys are not used to a settled-in relationship. And that settled in feeling makes you feel neglected when you really aren't being. Link to comment
MissMazzi Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 Sorry but this is absoloutely ridiculous. Just because a guy likes anal play does not mean he is GAY period. A man may like stimulation there, but that's no indicator of his sexuality. And you seem to be forgetting that is indeed a toy that he is playing with. Does he give you any sexual attention? If he doesn't appear interested in you sexually, maybe then you should start to worry. Link to comment
Kitkat973 Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 Hi all, thanks for all the info for me to think about. Kitkat... I guess that it's always been on my mind. We've only been together for just almost 2 yrs now. The only official cheating he's done... was with me. When we met he was with someone else. We hooked up and moved fast. I guess I've been so preocupied with a new relationship, then engagedment, mariage, baby that I haven't had time to digest it all. Also, don't know if this matters but 3/4 of those videos he recorded when he was with his ex. Ok well he should be here any minute now, don't quite know what to say... If your relationship started while you were with someone else and moved quickly, I can see why you're feeling uncertain. How is your relationship outside of this? Link to comment
Angel Irulan Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 When a man is recording vids and taking photos of himself in sex play, who is taking the pics? Link to comment
abitbroken Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 When a man is recording vids and taking photos of himself in sex play, who is taking the pics? I have taken videos of myself - not sexual,,but for practicing presentations. It is very easy to do. You can do it with a webcam, or do it with a tripod and a timer for a camera. There are even settings that take multiple frames within seconds or minutes. So its totally plausible he could be alone. Link to comment
malloyt Posted August 31, 2011 Share Posted August 31, 2011 Not at all gay. men can get stimulated by anything near the prostate. the anus, in general, is full of nerve endings and many men enjoy stimulation down there. Your post/concern is why many don't say that they do. Link to comment
PhilliesFan001 Posted August 31, 2011 Share Posted August 31, 2011 People really need to stop associating anal activities with being gay. If you had found videos of him engaging in sex toy use with another man, I'd say yes he's probably quite gay. Based on what you have, no. Also, dear god people, let's not panic about HIV yet! There is no evidence that he's engaging in sex with anybody outside of marriage. Your only evidence is him masturbating (not gay) and enjoying anal stimulation with a woman (not gay). Where does cheating, homosexuality or HIV fit into any of this? Jumping the gun a bit methinks... Link to comment
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