I thought he didn't care and yet he still Googles/stalks me?

[confusedgirlll]

I don’t want to make this a novel but I was in a “FWB” relationship with Jeff* for about 10 months. Towards the end, I realized what I wanted was actually a relationship, and Jeff, although very affectionate and caring, never expressed any wanting of being in a relationship with me and I didn’t want to push him because he’s the type of guy who ALWAYS avoids talking about his feelings. He said he loved me; we were like a couple to everyone else but ourselves, but he never really called me his girlfriend, never tried make me his girlfriend, or talked about “future” plans about us.

 

I knew that I had landed myself in that situation for giving it up to him whenever he and I pleased. I knew I couldn’t expect him to want that when I never even talked to him about that. So like I said, I knew I couldn’t be in a relationship with him, or with someone else because who these days wants a polygamous relationship? So I told him how I felt, and we tried to be friends but he couldn’t keep his hands off me and neither could I so a platonic relationship was out of the picture.

 

I started distancing myself, and he asked why so I explained again what was going through my mind, and again he never told me what he thought. He agreed it was probably the best we didn’t see each other if I really “meant” I didn’t want to be “with him” so we just did NC.

This whole time he never tells me how he feels about me, never tries to contact me, but it’s now been 8 months, and he still Googles me.

My page is set up to track visitors by IPs (I remember his from some programs I installed on his PC) that are “referred” by Google (for location), and I recently received the report for the last 6 months, and he’s Googled me about 789 times in that time frame (or referred by Google to my page). My page has links to my Facebook, Twitter, my blog, etc. He doesn’t have any of these so it was never an issue about deleting him but why is he doing this when he’s been “pretending” he doesn’t care all this time?

 

I also happen to know what his YouTube username was and I searched for it on Google after I found out about this, and it led me to his profile, which is full of the songs we used to listen to together. I looked through the comments of the most recent one, and his was there with, “God I miss your lips.”

 

This is after 8 months since the breakup, so why didn’t he ever try to make me his girlfriend all this time and yet he engages in all this crazy internet stalking? Why does he do this instead of contacting me directly?

 

I haven’t been with anyone since we broke up because I'm still kind of healing. The sexual chemistry between us was insane and it's hard to match that. I’ve missed him this whole time and I seriously wanted more with him than our crazy FWB relationship. But he never expressed any feelings of wanting to be more than that, even though I hinted it. I hinted it mostly because I was afraid since he never expressed his. I was scared of him running the other way, but it lead to me running from him.

[DN]

Just to be sure - did you actually say to him - specifically - that you love him and want a fully committed romantic relationship with him?

[confusedgirlll]

Just to be sure - did you actually say to him - specifically - that you love him and want a fully committed romantic relationship with him?

 

I told him that I loved him and I told him I wanted a committed relationship because our 'status' was kind of crazy but I never specified it was with him because he was always so hesistant about us, or about expressing his feelings. It's like he hates it.

 

He never opened the door to talk about this stuff, he would just tiptoe around the issue.

[happyfrank]

He doesn't want you in relationship but he misses the sex.

[DN]

I told him that I loved him and I told him I wanted a committed relationship because our 'status' was kind of crazy but I never specified it was with him because he was always so hesistant about us, or about expressing his feelings. It's like he hates it.

 

He never opened the door to talk about this stuff, he would just tiptoe around the issue.

Big mistake. Now he thinks you want a loving, committed relationship with someone else and the FWB you had with him was getting in the way of you finding someone else.

[confusedgirlll]

He doesn't want you in relationship but he misses the sex.

 

But he can get sex whenever he wants with whomever he wants. He's really attractive and outgoing, and he's obviously not one to need feelings to be there when he has sex with someone. After 8 months???

 

Big mistake. Now he thinks you want a loving, committed relationship with someone else and the FWB you had with him was getting in the way of you finding someone else.

 

But I always thought it was just because of sex. People are always saying people won't commit in FWB because the sex is just available whenever. I didn't want to "scare" him or seem needy asking about "where are we standing?". That's just emotionally unstable.

[Angel Irulan]

Actually, if he didn't want a real *not just FWB* relationship with you, you did the right thing. But you aren't happy, are you? Forget Jeff. The real issue here is you and you're not moving on. You deal with your feelings and life, and let him deal with his. Get therapy, and learn to let go.

 

Angel

[confusedgirlll]

Actually, if he didn't want a real *not just FWB* relationship with you, you did the right thing. But you aren't happy, are you? Forget Jeff. The real issue here is you and you're not moving on. You deal with your feelings and life, and let him deal with his. Get therapy, and learn to let go.

 

Angel

 

I was healing fine until I found out he was Googling me but you're right, his googling/stalking me probably means nothing

[DN]

I think you should be talking to him and finding out what he really wants - but he needs to know what you really want as well.

[confusedgirlll]

I think you should be talking to him and finding out what he really wants - but he needs to know what you really want as well.

 

I always really just wanted to start a normal relationship with him but I can't do that if he retreats every time I throw in a hint of bringing up the issue. He'll literally just freeze on me. When I told him we needed to end the craziness, he just kissed my forehead and said, "I know, I know". His eyes got teary but he left right away because he never tells people what he's feeling or shows any "sign of weakness".

 

So I don't know if his no-contact means he's just hiding everything he feels as usual, or if he just naturally doesn't really give a damn.

[Angel Irulan]

I was healing fine until I found out he was Googling me but you're right, his googling/stalking me probably means nothing

 

If I can have any impact on your life now, it's to make you learn to let go of the other partners problems after a breakup! Especially a situation where you are doing NC. When a partner isn't working out and won't work on things, when they emotionally bailed on you as this man did. It's true, you should not have started an FWB if that wasn't what you wanted. That is on YOU. Most of our power in life is to learn what we did, what decisions we made that put us where we are, in an unhappy place, and teach us that we can let go and move on and make better choices in the future. We are not dependent on another to do that!

 

If you want him back, under different circumstances, it's up to you to tell him that!!! You might get your butt handed back to you though. He sounds like he's a person who is just really not good at relationship conversations. That's a hallmark of someone who is likely to have trouble sustaining a relationship. (That behavior.) Ask him out to dinner, make it someplace you would not DARE put your hands on him, get re-acquainted and then have the talk. Just be aware it could work out not in your favor. Make sex off limits during a four month waiting period.

 

Angel

[confusedgirlll]

He was beat up really bad by his dad as a child, and was always told "men" were supposed to be "men" so it always worried me that maybe his tough act just means he's really dying inside. I know it shouldn't matter to me anymore either but it kind of stabs me right at the heart that I'm never really gonna know what goes through his mind or what's on his heart. Certainly even if it's just the sex that he misses, he never even expressed that.

 

It's crazy.

[confusedgirlll]

Yeah I don't really think I want to do that either. I don't want to open up to him if he's gonna receive me the way he always receives feelings-talk. He just has a problem starting things and even though I love him, and I want to be with him, I don't know if I can deal with the emotional turmoil he puts me and himself through.

[DN]

OK - I'll say it one more time and then quit. I think it is entirely possible that this guy doesn't know what it is that you want and if he doesn't it is up to you to tell him. Now, you can find every reason under the sun to avoid talking to him in those terms but unless you do all you are doing is guessing and you may well be guessing incorrectly. I don't think either of you communicates well because neither of you gets to the point - you dance around it and that creates confusion and misunderstandings.

 

My advice to you is to tell him precisely what you want from him, ask him precisely what he wants from you and then you will know how to proceed. Unless and until you do that you will never know for sure.

 

I don't know if I can deal with the emotional turmoil he puts me and himself through.

It's not just him - you are doing the same thing.

[confusedgirlll]

OK - I'll say it one more time and then quit. I think it is entirely possible that this guy doesn't know what it is that you want and if he doesn't it is up to you to tell him. Now, you can find every reason under the sun to avoid talking to him in those terms but unless you do all you are doing is guessing and you may well be guessing incorrectly. I don't think either of you communicates well because neither of you gets to the point - you dance around it and that creates confusion and misunderstandings.

 

My advice to you is to tell him precisely what you want from him, ask him precisely what he wants from you and then you will know how to proceed. Unless and until you do that you will never know for sure.

 

Thank you, I know you're right about knowing the truth only if I reach out to him. I know I need to muster up the courage to do this one day, even if it's not now. I don't know if I should bring up the fact that I know he Googles me like crazy as an excuse to talk to him though. It's really what got me thinking about it.

[DN]

Why not now? Don't procrastinate on this, or it may be too late.

[confusedgirlll]

Why not now? Don't procrastinate on this, or it may be too late.

 

Because I'm scared, but you're right about it possibly being too late.

 

Okay I'll do it tonight.

[confusedgirlll]

I mean we took each other's virginity so it's not like we are gonna even let this go off both our heads. Might as well deal with it.

[DN]

Be prepared for any eventuality - but even if you get an answer you don't like you will be able to move on without wondering.

[confusedgirlll]

True. Certainly there must be a reason for someone Googling me an average of 3 times per day in a period of 6 months? lol

[nutbrownhare]

If you make your feelings, and what you want from him, perfectly clear - one of two things will happen.

 

Either he (or his response) will make it clear that he does not want a relationship with you.

 

Or he (or his response) will make it clear that he does.

 

Either way, you will achieve a resolution rather than this agonising uncertainty you're undergoing at the moment. You will feel vulnerable, you will risk rejection, and if the latter comes to pass there are plenty of sources of support available, and you will be able to move on.

 

But you may not face rejection at all... but as things stand at the moment, you are in no position to be able to tell...

 

(((HUGS)))

[MissMazzi]

I agree! Definitely tell him how you feel. I would, or I'd regret the fact then maybe none of us had the courage to ask for what we really want.

 

Btw, I have to wonder, how is it that you know he is googling you? is there a way to know? Just curious XD

[Angel Irulan]

I took it from her OP that she did mention what she wanted and he blew it off, for whatever reason. I think she's hoping all the googling means he's really hung up on her and wants her back. In my experience he would have said something by now, a text, email, asking how it's going and asking her if she's going someplace that he also is so they can meet up. I don't know the reason for his lack of communication, but it's likely that he's just not that into her! I'd let it go. Asking him might be the hard knock she gets to move on. But I don't think you have to be so hard on yourself....

 

Angel

[DN]

took it from her OP that she did mention what she wanted and he blew it off,

She said dhe wanted a romantic relationship and that is why she was ending the FWB arrangement - but she didn't say she wanted a romantic relationship with him. It could have been anyone.

[Angel Irulan]

He would have to be pretty dense to be sitting there listening to her and think that her wanting a romantic relationship wasn't referring to him! It could not have been just anyone.

 

Respectfully,

Angel