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Hello all! I will try to make this as uncluttered and ungraphic as possible... So my girlfriend of five years and I broke up about six months ago. To be blunt we both gave our virginity to one another which was very important to me in that I needed it to be with someone who either shared my values in that realm or that it truly meant something to. I have surpassed a lot of the standard insecurities one feels when they break up... self loathing, lack of confidence, depression, etc. Only those things come rushing back whenever I come accross hearing of my ex's many many sexual endeavors. I by no means ask to hear anything about her at all, we just happen to have a lot of the same friends and secrets have a way of popping out at times. I try ignoring comments such as those stating to myself that we broke up six months ago and that it's something I should stop caring about because sex is just what people do. My anxiety comes from feeling betrayed, like I didn't give my virginity to someone who deserved it or appreciated it. I am aware that the previous statement is irrational as we did make love as opposed to emotionless sex, but I cannot separate the two so it's hard for me to see how it could be emotionless even though I know it exists. We also weren't sleeping together the last six months of the relationship due to distance. So, in a way, I feel cheated I was deprived without warning of having that connection with her. I just find myself wanting to have that connection with her again (which definitively proves I'm not 100% over her...) Any advice for getting over this? My main fear of ignoring comments my friends blurt out is those problems manifesting themselves in other ways such as anger or frustration, I just want a practical way to deal with said problem so I can let it go in a healthy manner. I'm tired of having this borderline jealous, sad anxiety lol. Thank you for listening!! Always feels better to share I must say.

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So your first experience with sex was with someone you now despise. Anyone can understand how that is disappointing, but it does not matter any more, you made the best judgement you could at the time. What matters is what you do in the future and if you have learned from what happened. Don't let it make you overly cautious and recognize that things could have gone much worse. Sex is not an evil thing, and if you are judging what you did to have been a mistake because you think she is sleeping around, at the end of the day it is also the experience you had and what it meant that matters, not just her behavior now.

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Hi Trstn12,


I'm getting the feeling that you think you are being a little unreasonable, here. HARDLY. Absolutely no-one wants to hear of the "sexual" antics of their former beloved in the first year. Seriously, who wants to hear it? No matter what the situation. And yours is compounded by the fact that she was your first girlfriend. I don't think it is unreasonable to say "Dudes. Hmm. Don't wanna hear about it, particularly. Let's not even go there."


Gently set your boundaries. It's a bit raw at the moment. Of course, it bloomin' is. Your friends may not even realise that this is disturbing for you. Particularly if they haven't been through a break-up themselves. It might behoove them to practice a little bit of sensitivity. If they are your good friends, then I'm sure they will respect it's a little soon to have a laugh and a giggle about the ex and her life right now.


Don't make a big deal about it but Be clear. Own your feelings. You are not behaving abnormally. Just going through your first break-up as best you can. The emotions you describe are exactly what we all go through in the first year. It's like poking a stick in a healing wound to hear these stories.


However, do remember that whilst sex in your relationship was an emotionally bonding experience and an expression of love, it isn't always like that. People have sex for all sorts of reasons. I'm guessing, you assume that the sex that you had, couldn't have been special given her behaviour right now. You feel that it meant nothing to her. But it must have meant a great deal if you were together for five years.


Some people use sex to move on, to draw a line under the past, some use it to combat loneliness. And many people use it to combat their own heartbreak I'm afraid. It can be a fairly clinical affair sometimes. There are a whole host of reasons. Fact is, her behaviour now is no comment on the relationship that you shared.


Yes, it is desperately disapointing when some-one doesn't seem to hold sex in the same high regard that we do, but that doesn't mean she didn't when she was in the relationship. It doesn't mean that she was experiencing something so tragically different to you, back then. You were together for five years. People's concepts and feelings change, but it doesn't mean that they weren't real at the time.


Who knows if she is desperately dashing around to force herself to move on from the relationship. Clearly she isn't bonding with these guys.


As for your troubling thoughts, yes, they do heal slowly but surely, but in the meanwhile a little self protection is in order. You're getting over a major break-up for goodness sake. And hearing details on positions, dates and times is a bit much.


Have a quiet word in the ear of your best friend and make sure he/she has your back when the convo goes down an unpleasant path.


All the best to you.



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