Should I leave?

[crush15252]

Hey all. I'm new to this, but I'm in desperate need of advice. I'll give you some history:

My husband and i have been married for 3 years, together for 5 years total. We moved in together 6 months after meeting.

Not even a year after we married, he cheated on me. I left him but then quickly ran back, not only to have him cheat again. Well I went back. However he's not the only bad guy. I cheated on him after the second time because i thought it would allow me to forgive him, or get back at him. One or the other.

A few months later, I find out I'm pregnant. Everything changes and things get better. Last year I left moved out again because I was fed up with fighting and our differences. After a month, he convinced me to come back.

Now all of those feelings have returned and I'm tired of fighting. The love I feel for him is nowhere near what I once felt, and everything he does sends me over the edge. He also lacks ambition. He works a hard labor job, and dropped out of high school. He has no desire to get his GED.

I've started talking to someone else, and he reminds me of who I used to be. I really like him, even though we are just friends. I'm afraid I'm going to be tempted to cheat. The thing is though, I'm not afraid of leaving and then getting together with this other guy, only to be dumped and left alone. If it's not him, then I know there will be someone else out there for me. And just the thought of being single and free to do what I want excites me. I want to see what else is out there.... I don't know what to do.

[mhowe]

Leave. You really don't care about your husband, and if this "someone else" doesn't work out, you'll just catch the next bus that comes along. Please take care of your childs' feelings in all this --- don't want her/him to think that relationships are are about as important as used tissue.

[Lester]

Life isn't about finding "what else is out there." That's just green grass fantasy.

 

Maturing and discovering yourself will bring you happiness. No person can do that for you.

[lukeb]

Nobody on here is really in a position to tell you whether to leave him or not. You need to figure out if what you have together is worth saving. You say you really like him as a friend so on some level certainly this marriage is working. Not all marriages need to be monogamous, for example are Bill and Hillary Clinton married? Perhaps it is time to talk about the "cheating" with each other honestly. Like you said you might be tempted to cheat again so this is clearly something you want, well if your husband is OK with it, you may be able to have your marriage and have that, if that is what you want. It doesn't have to mean you necessarily have to do it with every guy who comes along. I do think it is important not to sit on the fence for too long and make the decision one way or another.

[crush15252]

Thank you both for being honest. I just feel lost right now. All I know is that I don't like the way I feel right now.

 

And honestly I do care about my husband. Just in a different way than I used to. And maybe that's a part of marriage. Is it possible to fall out of love? A love that was once strong and passionate. We've split times before and when we get back together, I expect to fall in love with him all over again but the feelings are less and less passionate.

 

And I don't believe that relationships are as important as a used tissue. I value marriage and relationships very much, and especially love. That's why it makes this so hard, because I don't feel the same love I once did. Again, maybe this is a part of marriage - becoming comfortable instead of passionate.

 

And finally, I think some things came out the wrong way. I said I want to see what's out there for me, as in being single. Alone. Not with someone else. I want to find myself again. If I could do it over, I would never get married so young. I feel I took a lot away from myself. I do not, however regret my daughter in any way shape or form. She is what keeps me going.

 

There are only a few things keeping me in my marriage at this point. My daughter is one. I want her growing up in a two parent household, I want stability for her. She is such a daddy's girl, and I don't want to destroy either her or him by splitting them up. I don't want to hurt him. I've never dealt with guilt well, I've always felt like it was easier to be unhappy then feel bad for hurting those to do what makes me happy.

 

Again, I thank you for your honesty, however hurtful it is. I'm just lost in a fog right now and don't know how to direct myself out of it

[WindowTo]

Sounds like it might be a good decision to leave, but I don't really think that looking for someone to "excite you" is what you should be looking for if you are pregnant. You should be looking for someone with whom you have a deep connection with and who is a good person.

[velvette]

I believe "love" is just a choice, to be with someone no matter what. a long-term married couple has told me once, they've fallen out of love many times, but the trick is to fall back in love. what do you think you could do alone? what sort of 'freedom' do you seek, if not relationship? clarify what it is you want out of life right now, and see if you can't fit that into a married state.

[crush15252]

I'm not pregnant.

And I want to find out who I am and what I can accomplish on my own. I feel like I'm being held back. I've had to change my major and transfer schools twice so he wouldn't stray. It's taken me 6 years to to get a 4 year degree. Im even thinking about a masters once I get a job, but it would be out of the question. I'm always going to have a better job and career because he doesn't want to better himself. What if he loses his Job? He's going to have a really hard time finding one in this economy with no HS diploma or GED.

[abitbroken]

I would stop talking to this new person you are talking to immediately. Your only choices are to do so and concentrate on your marriage, or leave your husband AND this new suitor and be by yourself to sort yourself out. Of course your feelings are different now with a baby. Your hormones have changed, your roles with eachother have changed. Having an honest manual labor job is not the end of the world. if he shows up to his job and is committed to it, that's what counts. Afterall, there are guys who really like the work and some people end up supervising after a time. I would hope that he gets his GED, but don't nag him. Maybe someone else in your lives can be a positive influence on him to do so.

 

I would try to see what you can do to make yourself happy as far as having some time for yourself, joining a book club, volunteering, working out so you can tell how much of your dissatisfaction is really him, and how much is "your stuff". When you are more relaxed or had physically activity, etc, you are less likely to be primed for an argument out of restlessness about your own self. Then you can work on the marriage. Do you ever ask your husband out to a movie or to get a drink, etc,?