Confused .....Unsure what to do

[bdkeb]

Hi, This is my first time on here. I may already know the answer however,its so hard to follow through with it. I dated someone for 4/5 years. We were in love. We were going to buy a house and he had bought rings.Before we signed the final papers on the house i chickened out due to an overwhelming feeling of moving on too fast after my divorce and becoming a stepmom to a 9 yr old and a 1 yr old and having my own 2 yr old. Long story short I knew id ask him to move in after i adjusted.We continued our relationship but he was growing resentful and about a year later he broke up with me.I was caught off guard and he cut all communication with me for 3 months. This is something i had never experianced, no text,no call,no visits no nothing. I held on and wrote everyday. At the end I started to date and my texts changed and instead of every day they were every 2 days or so.On the day I finally broke things off with the guy i was dating I drove by where my ex boyfriend lived and waved goodbye to the house,it was closure for me and i wished him well as i drove off. I went to get gas and who was there.....he was. this was the first time we saw each other in 3 months, we ended up talking for 2 hours in the parking lot.He went out of town the next day and saw me as soon as he returned this was last august.So we were on the road to getting back together,and i was not angry for him leaving just happy he was back.So we were getting close and then i think out of his insecurity he said he didnt want to rush into commitment,well that freaked me out so i said i was going to date.1 month later i started to and he found out, went crazy, cried,begged,drove by, called texted all day long. Now I would see him and comfort him bc i knew i wanted to be with him but i was scared to give him my heart for fear he could leave me again. I continued to date and conmtinued to talk to him.I came back to him alot,but ewach time i tried he had a different personallity bc of the situation. FINALLY i said enough I love him im going back for good even if he is mad and being ugly im giving him 100%.I did and he said NO. So for 5 months i have been trying and I have seen him and we hung out a few times. Last time was 2nd week of June and then his kids came for 6 weeks and he bought a house which he always wanted bc later he wants to rent it out.Anyway we met up Aug 1 and he said he loved me but can never trust me again and that he told his dad he wanted to marry me in december but i broke his heart.He holds on to anger and grudges more than most people he listens to his head and not his heart. Things have completely turned around...i cry begged wrote letters sent cards,everything but he wont really talk to me. He saw me last week and talked to me for 45 minutes,it was good till the end. Now he doesnt talk to me hardly at all. He blames me completely for dating and not coming back to him he said i broke his heart and he doesnt want to go thru that again. he isnt seeing anyone. This is a man that was devastated in Feb, Mar and April and wanted to marry me, would have done anything.....now that im back (May/June) with the real break up Aug 1 in my opinion bc thats when he said he cant trust me.I dont understand where that love went? it was so deep and passionate....i watched him shake and cry.now that its turned around and its me begging,he doesnt want anything to do with me....Im devasted i do love him and i learned my lessons i learned not to let my fear stop me from love...but it looks like thts what he is letting happen....books,friends,websites say NC i did that for 2 weeks before i saw him and he seemed happy yo see me and to talk to me, i couldnt dso it any longer...so now im back to square one. I think about him all the time. Im not on his fb or linked in, he has taken me ot of his life.... He admits to loving me....what do i do? Please HELP i cry everyday.

[DN]

The problem is that he has reason not to trust that you won't do the same things again so I can see why he is so conflicted. Somehow you need to find a way to convince him that you are not going to flake on him again.

[Janeiac]

Hang tight, bdkeb. It's normal to feel overwhelmed by these emotions, and I can tell you are in a very tender state. But trying to deal with important issues while you are swept away in a torrent of emotion isn't going to help the situation at all.

 

You have given this man reasons to pull away from you. Chasing him at this point is likely to only push him further away and become resolute in keeping his distance. Unfortunately, there isn't anything you can do to change his mind. It may be possible that he changes it on his own, provided you do nothing to make the situation worse. However, you can't assume this will happen.

 

For now, the best thing to do is take a step back and get your own feet firmly on the ground under you. Make a decision to do what you have to do to feel better on your own. Give him the gift of doing the same for himself.

 

If he ultimately decides that he doesn't want to be with you, you really are better off because it means the relationship with him cannot weather a storm. Your cold feet earlier on are a sign that deep down you weren't ready, and that there was some deep issue that needed to be resolved.

 

If he comes back, you can be ready with strength and love to move forward-- but only if you get yourself healed and happy on your own, first. If not, you and he might wind up going around in circles like this for a very long time, which is even worse than ending it and moving forward.

 

You don't want to stay in this painful state, do you? YOu can feel better, and you will once you decide to. You are blessedwith a child, and your child deserves a happy, healthy mom. BEst wishes, and keep coming on here for help if you need it. We are here for you.

[bdkeb]

Yes I agree. His ex wife made him promises over and over and continued to do the same thing for years breaking her promise to him for years. I learn from my mistakes but I don't know how to show him if he stays away.?he says he will always love me but it seems as if he is trying very hard to make me disappear.the I have seen him I see the love and hurt in his eyes.I dont know what to do to show him?

[bdkeb]

Thank you. At 35 I think this may have been the first time ive been in love. He says I am his soulmate.he is extremely stubborn and told me at one time he didn't know if he was testing me.I tend not to believe that though I want to.he has the ability to be able to stay away from me.which scares me.I just dont know how to prove that you've learned from your mistakes if they won't see you? I know he still loves me and he isn't dating just keeping busy. I want to fight for love and I fear space since that causes distance and with distance you cannot solve any issues that may be fixable ....