May7007 Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 I have been with my ex for close to four years. About a week ago I came home from work to find her not home. In the 3 years we have lived together this has never happened. At first I was worried and I kept calling her. She finally arrived home 45 mins later. She said she was at a bar with a girlfriend talking about our relationship and how she wasn't happy. Later that night she breaksndown and tells me that she was there with a guy friend. She promised that they were just friends and I believed her. The next night she came home very upset and apologized for breaking up with me. She said that she just freaked out and all the stress in her life had built up and she took it out on us. Then a week later I was sitting on our couch and her phone went off next to me and it was that same guy texting her "I miss you too babe" so I confronted her and she admitted that she was interested in this guy. She then proceeded to tell me she wanted a break. She said she needed space so I gave it to her. She didn't call.. So I couldn't wait any longer and emailed her and asked what she thought about us. She came over and told me that she wasn't in love with me and felt like she was missing out on her life and things were moving too fast.. Now she's going out everyday and talking to this new guy. She seems so happy. How??? I'm crushed and very lost. I knew in my heart that she was the one and now she's gone. When we talk she's like a whole new person? I want to wait around for her but I feel like that is stupid. I'm very depressed and she's having the time of her life... Link to comment
guynextdoor Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 She's seeing the new guy and no he is not a "friend". Move on and go NC, she basically cheated on you emotionally with this dude. Link to comment
May7007 Posted August 30, 2011 Author Share Posted August 30, 2011 I feel like she's using him to replace me in her life while she moves on. This was all out of the blue. We just got back from a long vacation together and I thought we were more in love than ever. What would cause this 180? Link to comment
velvette Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 she has classic 'grass is greener syndrome'. if she sticks with new guy for any length of time, she'll probably get bored too. maybe one day she'll realize you were the one who loved her most, the best guy ever, but would you forgive her? she's taken you for granted, cheated on you, lied about the cheating, and then admitted the cheating and went on anyway. there has to be repercussions; don't wait for her or she'll think she can do this whenever. SHE has to be sorry now, if the relationship will ever work. you just worry about being happy independently. it's not your duty to get her back. why was she so unhappy in the relationship anyway? did she ever tell you? (doesn't excuse the cheating, but it may be a clue as to whether or not she's really moving on) Link to comment
May7007 Posted August 30, 2011 Author Share Posted August 30, 2011 She never physically cheated. I have done everything for her. I've let her mom live with us for 6 months last year while she got back on her feet. I've helped her get back in school and I've supported her every wish and goal. She tells me that she doesn't know where she would be in life without me. When we last talked I asked her why does this happen in all my relationships? She replied by telling me that she could go do something without telling me and I would forgive her right away. Isn't that what you do when you are in love? Maybe I'm just that stupid and blinded by my feelings for her. The reasons she gave me for being unhappy was that she felt like she was too tied down, that she was missing out on life and doing things. I don't get that bc I let her do just about whatever she wanted. Link to comment
guynextdoor Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 You're being naive my friend. If a woman ever tells you that she can get away with anything and you would forgive her it means time to dump her. Sorry man but she is taking you for granted. You can do so much better, just gotta heal and get your composer back. Link to comment
May7007 Posted August 30, 2011 Author Share Posted August 30, 2011 How? All I think about is her and how much I miss her. While I'm here she's out doing god knows what. This is the hardest point of my life so far and I really want to overcome this sadness. I just don't know how to start Link to comment
lemsip Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 I'm so sorry. I hate stories like this. I'm realising now they are all the same as well. Life sucks sometimes, it really does. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 If she's living with you, tell her she needs to find another place to live. Link to comment
Mauxly Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 He texts "I miss you too babe" and you don't think she physically cheated? Of course she did. She's lying. I know that you are crushes and are working your brain for some sort of out. Some rationalization so that you can stay with her. So of course you'll willfully believe any bullshyt she comes up with. Look. Put yourself in her shoes. Could you ever cheat on and lie to someone you love? Of course not. You deserve someone as good as you. She isn't it. I'm so sorry. I know the pain that you feel all too well... Link to comment
May7007 Posted August 30, 2011 Author Share Posted August 30, 2011 I can't help but believe her. I trust her. I think she is lost right now also. So am I. Will cutting all connections really be the best option for me right now? I can't bare the idea of not seeing her or hearing her voice. Facebook is tearing me up as well. Seeing her making post like her most recent "I LOVE seeing people I haven't seen in years!! It makes me forget about my current troubles, and brings me back to the days when I didn't give a damn about anything!!" how does that sound like someone who just got out of a 4 year relationship a couple days ago??? Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 Then a week later I was sitting on our couch and her phone went off next to me and it was that same guy texting her "I miss you too babe" so I confronted her and she admitted that she was interested in this guy. She then proceeded to tell me she wanted a break. She said she needed space so I gave it to her. I would make it clear to her that this "break" will be a "permanent break," since she's already made the choice to move on. Also, don't allow yourself to stoop to the lowest level, by providing a roof over her head while she cheats. Link to comment
blackhawks1287 Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 6 months from now you will look back at these posts and say...what the hell was I thinking... Go NC. Block her from facebook, block her number, get rid over all of "your" memories... You do not want to remember this girl for what she did to you, so remove all of the bad for the sake of right now and the future. Things will keep coming up through the wash...don't let that happen to yourself... BLOCK EVERYTHING, and you don't need someone like this in your life...no matter what the circumstances...why would you even consider wanting such a selfish person back...don't worry man...I have been there and a lot of us have...yuo will get through this but you need to drop her and drop her fast! Link to comment
May7007 Posted August 30, 2011 Author Share Posted August 30, 2011 Thank you everyone. This really helps a lot. Link to comment
May7007 Posted August 30, 2011 Author Share Posted August 30, 2011 Another question I can't get out of my head is.. What if she realizes that she is wrong? What if she tries to come back? I would want her back but I don't know if that would be right. She really crushed me. Any advice? Link to comment
lemsip Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 I remember what I was like during the first week. Throwing up, couldn't eat or sleep, lost loads of weight, felt like I was losing my mind, felt like my life was over. It's all normal, as horrible as it sounds. For god's sake deactivate your facebook account, that's the first thing to do. Tell your mate who you trust to change the password, not tell you it and deactivate it. (It doesn't delete it, just looks like you've deleted your account). NO GOOD WILL COME FROM YOU LOOKING AT HER SH*T. Your head is up your @ss at the minute, don't try and fight your feelings but likewise don't get in touch with her. Every minute will seem like an hour to you right now. There's nothing to do but sweat it out. It gets easier, but it takes time. Cry if you need to, scream, talk to anyone who will listen. You are in major denial at the minute, but that will shift. I feel for you, I really do. I'm 2 months down the road now and I can say it does get easier. We were 8 years together, engaged and we own a house so my head is melted too. But just hang in there. Ps. Don't think about her coming back. Think of her as never coming back. Cross that bridge if it ever comes. But she cheated on you - so you shouldn't want her back. Link to comment
lozzy1980 Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 I'm so sorry. I hate stories like this. I'm realising now they are all the same as well. Life sucks sometimes, it really does. Lemsip we are not all the same, please dont think like that. some nasty selfish women AND men out there but there are good ones too. i know some very genuine lovely ppl who do not treat their other halves badly. it is only because we have been hurt we are more alert to other similar or negative situations like this. OP - one day you will realise you deserve so much better, and that she is not the one for you. Stop focusing on what she is doing or up to, and start focusing on you. take things one small step at a time... concentrate on what you want to do for the very next hour for example.. plan and do something just for one hour. Link to comment
MakeItCount Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 Ah dude, sorry to hear man. This is so goddamn classic though. Look, I know it doesn't sound like the right thing to do, but all this advice is on the money. Block her on facebook, or just deactivate your account. I suggest the latter. If I were to go back on my breakup I'd completely delete her out of my life. Ask your friends not to give you ANY updates on her. Vent to your buddies, parents, whatever. Vent here. We're always around to listen. I promise things get better even though right now you feel like dying. You gotta realize your worth now and be as selfish as possible. Do everything that makes you feel better. New hobbies, or work on old ones. Reconnect with old friends. Improve yourself mentally and physically. DO NOT DATE for a few months. I know it sounds like a LOT of time right now. I just passed the 1 year mark of the breakup and I feel great. She's still on my mind but it's not a longing. Please take our advice and cut her off, then be prepared for her to be texting you asking you to be friends, getting angry, whatever. Show self respect for yourself and DO NOT be there for her no matter what. The faster you do these things the faster the pain will subside. She may come back, she may not. It doesn't matter right now, it really doesn't. I want you to get over this ASAP. But, it will take time, and it'll be one hell of a rollercoaster. Make sure you eat. Protein is the main ingredient right now to help balance our your brain. Even if it's just a few bites initially, EAT. I don't know why but this really struck a chord with me, and if you need any extra help or advice please feel free to PM me and I'll do what I can do help you get through this faster. I'm sure there are lots of other people who have gone through something similar and are willing to help out. Good luck man, and get on with deleting her out of your life as soon as you can. Do you have lots of her stuff at your place? Organize a meetup or get a mutual friend to make the exchange.Time for you to fall off the radar. Trust me. Link to comment
mhowe Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 There is loving someone, and there is letting someone treat you like a doormat. When, not if, she comes back because he begins to show his true colors, no --- you do not want her back. She cheated. Knowingly and lied. Trust broken. But, we've got the cart before the horse. Get her out of your house and your life. She is showing you less than 0% respect. You deserve better. Link to comment
velvette Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 imo, emotional cheating is just as bad as (or worse than!) physical cheating. the betrayal is the same, the disrespect equal. if you've done nothing but be good to her, and she can't appreciate it--well, time to move on. in your next relationship, you should put yourself first before her. it's only healthy, really. doesn't mean you can't do things for her, but don't do it at a cost of your own happiness and livelihood. it's going to be hard, but you're better off without her. love yourself first. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 Another question I can't get out of my head is.. What if she realizes that she is wrong? What if she tries to come back? I would want her back but I don't know if that would be right. She really crushed me. Any advice? There's no way to know how you'll cross that bridge until you get there, and the only way to get there is enough solo time and distance. Sticking around to hover keeps you trapped in a rut, and it doesn't exactly build respect and admiration for you, either. Link to comment
NeverGoingBack Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 imo, emotional cheating is just as bad as (or worse than!) physical cheating. the betrayal is the same, the disrespect equal. if you've done nothing but be good to her, and she can't appreciate it--well, time to move on. in your next relationship, you should put yourself first before her. it's only healthy, really. doesn't mean you can't do things for her, but don't do it at a cost of your own happiness and livelihood. it's going to be hard, but you're better off without her. love yourself first. Couldn't have said it better myself... As everyone else has pretty much said: cut her off, and do not contact her. Let time pass to gain perspective. If you want her back, and she contacts you, then you can work it out then, but right now think of it like she's never coming back and it's over for good. If you don't you'll torture yourself. Go out and have fun with friends. I'm two - three months out of a ten year relationship, and I'm telling ya - it does get easier... It just takes time. Eat lots of fruit (I'm telling you, blueberries are made in heaven), and drink plenty of water. Try to get some exercise. Keep yourself busy. Go out with friends. Read, watch movies that make you laugh. In time, you will gain perspective and things will be better. Your head is all over the place right now. I understand - I just went through pretty much the same thing, which you can read about here: Link to comment
May7007 Posted August 31, 2011 Author Share Posted August 31, 2011 Thank you everyone this really helps a lot!! I have my good days and bad but I'm feeling a lot better Link to comment
veneratio Posted August 31, 2011 Share Posted August 31, 2011 Hit close to home, give or take a few details, but overall it did. It doesn't really matter how she's so happy. The fact is that she's happy, or at least appears to be. Accept it. Embrace it. Let it hurt you, let yourself cry, then go off to lick your wounds. I say this because I struggled with that very question so much. I still do if i let myself wander down that path. How does all of our history get erased...all those times I was there for her...everything we shared...all the sacrifices I made..she made..our "love"..how does all of that disappear and she ends up so happy within a week of dumping me? To be with someone else? Who cares? I don't have the answer for that. I can take educated guesses all day long on here in my journal..inside of my head..to my friends, but what difference does it really make? Look at it for its face value, she left. Period. Forget about the details. You'll never figure it out. Because its never certain. I've been there. My ex and I have been exactly where I am right now, minus her actually being with someone else. I let her come back when she tried to, and I'm in the same spot I was when she first stopped talking to me. Learn from my mistake. Don't let it be your own. Your happiness and self respect is of utmost importance. It sounds very cliche, but it's true. Don't let yourself be someone's back up lunch. The leftovers they bring just in case they can't stop by their favorite fast food joint. NeverGoingBack has some great advice. Look at it that way, despite how much it hurts. That she wont come back, that it's done for good, that she will continue to be happy. It sounds harsh, but it diminishes hope and helps you out in the long run. Go out and improve yourself and come back as a better version of who you were. Not for her, not for potential mates, but for yourself. If you feel angry, go to the gym, take it out on the iron and let your body be the beneficiary of that anger. If you're sad, force yourself to do something fun or watch a comedy. Read books to distract yourself, while at the same time bettering yourself. Go out for walks, hikes, go explore nature. When the break up was still fresh for me, those walks and hikes helped me find tranquility. Calmed me..just made me realize the errors of my thoughts and emotions. It does take a lot of effort. To force yourself to do these things. And to force yourself to other thoughts when you're presented with thoughts of her. But after awhile it becomes second nature and you wont even notice, or at least it becomes easier. And as for her coming back and your possible reaction to that. Believe me, after some time has passed, you wont feel that way any longer. You might play with the idea of it, but you know in your heart..in your gut, that it wont be right. Stay strong. It does get better. Link to comment
May7007 Posted August 31, 2011 Author Share Posted August 31, 2011 I've been taking all the advice I've been given and it's helping. We exchanged all our stuff. We don't talk. I blocked her on Facebook. I live separate now but in the same apt complex (which sucks) and once my lease is up at the end of oct I'll be moving far away from her. I still feel terrible. I ran into someone that knows both of us and they told me that they saw her and this new guy at a bar and they looked so happy, how can that be? It hasn't even been a week! Plus not seeing her car in the parking lot when I come home late after work kills me inside. How could someone be so heartless? I feel so used. I did anything and everything for that girl. It's the idea of her with someone else that is the hardest pain of all. I thought things were looking up until I realized that I have been replaced so fast and I'm just wreckage floating here all alone and upset. She shows no emotion at all towards me. She hasn't tried to contact me other than a text about our lease and to get my name removed. I'm sad as hell Link to comment
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