well i did it....left a failing relationship for someone else....thoughts?

[smegs]

Hi all

 

I have posted before about a failing relationship. Long story short ex asked me back a year ago and the following ten months were very eventful....painful....and humbling. but i still felt unsure about the reconciliation from day one. If u would like any further details just ask

 

Any hoo, without any intention, a good girlfriend brought a 'friend' of hers over to mine when ex bf and i were still together and we were all hanging out one day. Yes, she had liaisons with this friend but that was all. He came over, he was a nice guy, we got along well but I didn't think much of it, after all I was with my bf and trying to patch up a bad situation (I had cheated on him not long after getting back together). Many drinks later me and this new guy are hitting it off, and getting too close....( apparently i kissed him when friend and ex were not around) and i don't remember. way too much alcohol. I heard it the next day, apologised to him and my good friend, i was just drunk. Thought nothing of it afterward.

 

Long story short....this guy is an opposite for me. I put him out of my head as I thought we were too different. Turns out he wanted me, I wanted him.....and I fell hard. No intention. I had every intention of being loyal to ex bf after my stupid mistakes before. THIS i did NOT see coming. What the hell?

 

Anyway, new guy and i confess that we want to be together. I break up with ex.....very ugily. I feel terrible. He did nothing wrong....I DID. By not communicating my worries bout relationship even before I met new guy. (ex and i were on a 'break' not long before i met the new guy.)

 

Anyway, fast forward a few months, I have to move, start uni and find a new job all in the space of one month. = Stress!! plus happy I'm with new guy but still struggling with conflicting emotions about being the cheating hussy that fell for someone else. Really, I DO NOT blame my ex for hating my guts. It hurts like hell, but he's hurting too, and why wouldn't he? I did a terrible thing and it didn't and should't have turned out that way.

 

Through this stress the new bf kinda disappears. His own Job stress, money, etc....as with me. A month passes, and only assbook contact. The "love you's' stop as does the affection. No contact and i start to wonder....I stressed and tried not to stress, thinking 'great, classic rebound. Good on ya' but in reality I was over ex ages ago and the first cheating exp was my rebound ( I repeat NOT PROUD of that lapse in morality and concentration). new bf and i finally catch up after a month, and it's great....but then two weeks pass....is he a one hit wonder? I don't smother, I have my own life, and I try to let him be, as he seems to want that....I am still grieving a bit and notice old expectations of how relationships should be creeping in as opposed to learning to wait and see what the dynamics of this new relationship will be. I just want to see him more, just once a week even! And that doesn't happen. Have I fallen for a playboy? Have I got the wrong expectations?

 

More importantly, as most know, is this just a rebound doomed for failure? I really like this guy and enjoy his company. If it ends tomorrow I'll be sad but I won't look back and think it was a waste. I really like him. Even though we are opposites. I am aware that I may be over thinking etc....just random thoughts I needed to get out.

 

Sorry a bit longer than intended, I just need to vent. Thanks to all that read this to the end.

[ToF]

I'm not here to judge, but I will be honest. If I were your new boyfriend in this situation, I would not expect much out of this relationship, given the way it started. It sounds like you have a pattern of infidelity (from what you've written). Even if your boyfriend doesn't know about you cheating on your ex, he likely does know that your current relationship started on a foundation of cheating (the drunken kiss is still cheating) and emotional infidelity.

 

Even if it's unconscious on his part, he probably does not take this very seriously.

[DN]

It may be that it isn't that he is a player but decided he doesn't want to be with someone who cheats on her boyfriend - if you did it to your ex he might feel you would probably do it to him as well.

[wolflovesmoon]

i don`t know what to tell you. but call you a cheater

[ForumGuy]

I think you fell for a playboy and are one if his playmates. Your turn with him will come around again.....just be patient.

[smegs]

All valid points and I wouldn't blame you or hate/judge you for thinking so. I am truly, truly sorry for the cheating I have done. I know this can and prob will effect further relationships. I told the new bf up front about my past, as i'd rather get it out first for them to make the decison to be with me or not after knowing that.....(maybe not a good strategy? But I need to be honest, everyone deserves that, I have learned!!!) and I told him I would NEVER EVER do it again. NOT worth it. Yes, action is involved in proving that, and despite the distance, I am very happy to know, within myself, that I have not done anything suss and not cheated since. My personal goal is to never do it again. Should I feel the same as with my ex, I will COMMUNICATE BEFORE anything has a chance to develop. And i am highly aware of the signs now. No one deserves that, and I do not want to put anyone thru that again. If this is karma, so be it.

 

Thanks to you all for your honest replies.

[shuttlefish]

i don`t know what to tell you. but call you a cheater

 

OP looking for advice, not labels or condemnations, that kind of thing is never helpful. I think she sees the situation clearly and the role she played in it for what it is.

 

To the OP. No one really knows if a rebound is a rebound or it isn't. I've seen all kinds of things play out in all kinds of ways. This is an opportunity to make a fresh start! Use it!

[smegs]

Thankyou shuttlefish. I do see the role i played, be it a major one from my own hang ups and problems. I own them and do not blame the ex. takes two to tango but yes, i did wrong. The best way i think is to learn. should i be cheated on, good, i need to learn what it feels like. not only karma but an opportunity to grow and repent so to speak. i think i need to be alone for a while to recover. i wont hate the new guy either, just frustrated by lack of knowledge on what he thinks, as we've had little contact the last month and a half. I he wants to end it why wouldn't he just say so?

[SorrowandPain]

I he wants to end it why wouldn't he just say so?

 

Serious answer: probably because he's getting sex from you.

[smegs]

That's the funny thing. we don't that much. even when seeing eachother alot, we wouldn't always end up in bed. One month after seeing him? yeah, of course i want sex too. But you have a point, i feel like a f*#! buddy. why say and show to all you're in a relationship if it's nothing more than F*(#(&^? Sorry for the language.

 

And thankyou for the responses, you don't know all the details and I may be over worrying as many women do, just getting this all out helps. And realising that I am still grieving and need to accept this consequences of my actions is all apart of this emotional mess...

[ToF]

I think you got it right when you said you need to be alone for a while. It sounds like you're definitely aware of your situation, the effect your actions may have, etc., but now I think it'd be wise to take some time to yourself. Being aware of a problem is only the first step to ensuring that it never happens again. Jumping into another relationship, especially one built on such a shady foundation, will probably not get you very far in your healing.

[Brownstone322]

OP looking for advice, not labels or condemnations, that kind of thing is never helpful. I think she sees the situation clearly and the role she played in it for what it is.

Wolflovesmoon's reply was perfectly reasonable. If she bounces from one relationship to another like this, do you really think it's gonna work out? Do you really think New Guy is the real deal? Do you really think cheating repeatedly is the way to find love?

 

This story was just a mess, and I suspect it'll continue to be a mess. (Until she jumps to someone else.)

[lemsip]

Wolflovesmoon's reply was perfectly reasonable. If she bounces from one relationship to another like this, do you really think it's gonna work out? Do you really think New Guy is the real deal? Do you really think cheating repeatedly is the way to find love?

 

This story was just a mess, and I suspect it'll continue to be a mess. (Until she jumps to someone else.)

 

Yeah I agree. I don't really even know what OP is asking. I just feel sorry for the original bf.

[lemsip]

You need to seriously look at this behaviour, honestly.

[ToF]

( apparently i kissed him when friend and ex were not around) and i don't remember. way too much alcohol. I heard it the next day, apologised to him and my good friend, i was just drunk. Thought nothing of it afterward.

 

I do agree that this is something you need to think about. Being drunk is never an excuse.

[shuttlefish]

I understood that ENA was a place where one supplies advice. Saying something like "you are xyz" is not giving advice, it is giving labels and I dont' feel that is reasonable nor helpful

 

Please enlighten me and tell me the following:

 

1.) Where did he give advice

2.) Where did I say I thought it would work out for sure?

[DN]

Moderator Note: please stay on topic, avoid unhelpful personal attacks and arguments.

[veneratio]

Yeah I agree. I don't really even know what OP is asking. I just feel sorry for the original bf.

 

Ditto, but we've both been in his shoes.

 

And for the OP. I know you didn't ask this, but I think you really should just take some time for yourself and just figure out what it is you truly want and need. None of your actions read healthy. Your relationship with your ex, how you handled that, how you handled this new guy. None of that seems really..healthy. You say your past relationship shouldn't have turned out that way, then why did it? I just think you have some things you should and need to address before stirring someone else into the stew.

 

As far as the new guy, only thing you can do is voice your desires to him as you did on here and see where that goes.

[smegs]

Too true people. I posted so I could get out of my head and see from an outsiders perspective to wake me up a bit. The honest,. frank replies help alot, and I do not take offense. I realise this is all a horrid mess and am scared about how to go about things with self and new bf, as obviously I haven't handled things very well in the past, so my confidence in the communication area is not great. I can be afraid to speak up and stand up for how I feel, which is prob why relationship with ex went sour. I am glad he is free of my mess. He did what he could, but I was already 'gone' in my heart from the relationship before we even got back together......geeze what a fool I have been.

 

I aim to learn from this and ensure it doesn't happen again. If I have to break up with current bf to sort myself out, I will, it's apparent that's what I need for me and shouldn't focus all my energies on a relationship. i have been feeling needy and vulnerable. It sucks.

 

Again, thanks guys.