Did I do the right thing. Did I over react.

[cantalonie]

Hi, Im so confused that I came on the internet to find some answers.

 

I met a girl about 3months ago. She had recently (1 week before) broken off a 3 year relationship because she was unhappy with it.

We met through her family.

 

From the start we hit it off. Within three dates she was coming around every 3-4th night. We had great conversations, great sex, great times.

We talked about our exes and laughed and compared and just talked about things we liked, didnt like, what we wanted in life.

 

Then came her big trip away to Europe. 1 month in Ibiza, Mykonos, Santorini, barcelona. She had organised this before she met me. It was with her two girlfriends who were also in relationships.

 

Red flags were setting off in my head. Apart from my insecurities, that she being a bikini model... who turns heads left and right. I was sure that she would not come back the same and that she would probably cheat. I almost ended it with her one night a week before the trip and she got very upset with that. She insisted that this trip wasnt about boys. She promised me on numerous occasions that she would never do anything, she wouldnt hurt me that way. She insisted time and time again because she knew I was getting worried.

 

She wanted to introduce me to her mum but I said we should wait until she gets back.

 

On the last night before she left, she invited me to "her house". We had sex but I couldnt orgasm after two hours.. I was stressed. She held me tight and promised we would be ok. It will be the same when she gets back.. even better.

 

I knew already from her family that she could be trusted, that she had never cheated before on a previous boyfriend. She told me on one of our first dates that one of her best qualities was that she was loyal and trustworthy.

 

On the morning she was to fly.. she insisted I take her to the airport where I could meet the other girls, so I could feel better.

We said goodbye and she promised to message me while she was away.

 

She facebooked me once every few days to tell me how she is going. Telling me that she was ok, missed me, couldnt wait to see me.

 

On her last day on the trip, I messaged her and asked her to tell me now. Did she wait for me? I was nervous and didnt want to know face to face. ANd she replied I have nothing to worry about. Nothing happen. Honestly. She cant wait to see me!

 

When she arrived back, she didnt want to see me on the first night, she was jetlagged. I understood. She told me to come over for a family feast at the end of the weekend. To meet the whole family. I was excited.

 

Then on the day of the feast I got a text message from her

 

She had a confession, she couldnt lie to my face and wanted me to know the truth. She made out with someone on the dancefloor at one of the nightclubs while in france. She said the kiss meant nothing. She understood if I never wanted to see her.

 

I called her to get further info and she swore to god that this was all that had happen.

Her reaction was cold. It wasnt Im sorry. She never apologised. She wanted to slow things down between us and she wanted me to think about this and decide what to do.

 

I said its cool and I appreciate the truth. BUt I was panicky.

 

But then later that night.. I completely changed my thought. I couldnt believe what had happen when she knew how I felt. We discussed the boundaries. She knew that kissing was off the cards while she was away. She wanted that herself. She didnt want me to kiss anyone else either.

Even with that determination she failed me.

 

It made me think.. how can I trust someone who would throw it all away for a kissing session on the dance floor that meant nothing.

How can I ever be comfortable when she decides to go out with her friends.

 

I called her again... and told her that its over, that I couldnt trust her anymore, that she blew it all away.

She was rather emotionless about it... like she didnt care. I know she had the best time of her life in Europe and she is riding high. She even managed to go out with her friends and party it up the weekend she got back before I was to go over for the family dinner.

Why did she go out when came back knowing what had happen. She didnt even want to cancel the dinner. She didnt want to see me that night either.

 

The only thing she said, was that hopefully I could trust her one day, that maybe I would change my mind.

 

I said NO, I wont.

 

I sent her a final message telling her how hurt I was

 

and her reply... Im sorry you feel that way. I didnt intentionally hurt you, i hope you find someone that treats you better.

 

Im so confused. I like her heaps, but what happen. Was this a rebound in the end, was this betrayal of my trust. Was this an accident.

Was I too harsh?

 

Did I do the right thing.

 

I just dont know how I could have stopped that from happening. How I can stop that from happening in the future. Her behaviour was senseless.

How can I deal with senseless behaviour.

 

It wasnt just a kiss, she kissed him for about 4-5minutes she says.

 

She never said sorry, just that she felt very guilty and she regret it.

 

But she never said what I wanted to hear. That she was really really sorry, and that she wanted to be with me wholeheartedly. There were no tears, no emotion.

 

She is 24 and Im 30.

[Cheetarah]

1 week after the end of a 3 year relationship and she started something with you? Yes, I would sure say you were a rebound. Did you also say talking about exes and laughing and comparing about them? That's not exactly a healthy thing. One of my red flags is when a new person I am dating can't stop speaking about their ex, or speaks badly of them. Signs they're not ready to move forward.

 

If you don't want to be with someone who makes out with others on her vacations, then yes, you absolutely did the right thing. This girl never took a little hiatus from dating, just jumped right back into it - She clearly is unsure of what she wants and why should you hang around while she not only deals with the baggage of her ex, but goes out and does her thing with no regards to whatever you two had?

 

Maybe on a subconscious level, your insecurities played out as you knew she essentially jumped from one relationship to another. I would be wary of someone who feels the NEED to talk about how loyal and trustworthy they are - Why? It's like they are trying to convince themselves. When you're loyal and trustworthy, you show it through action, not words. In my personal experiences, anytime I have met someone who boasts on and on about how trustworthy and loyal they are, they have turned out to be the exact opposite.

[Mitzy]

Hmmm... It's tricky. I think that she did you wrong, she shouldn't have kissed the guy, and she has let you go without much of a fight. On the other hand, it sounds like you might have been a factor in her kissing the guy. You got too panicked about it, which would make her feel smothered and more likely to cheat.

It's up to you. It's just a kiss, you could get past it if you are willing to really talk to her about what happened. She probably wanted to just have fun, might have felt trapped in her past relationship and so is extra sensitive when you are being a little full-on in this one.

It isn't really an excuse, and you are probably better off out of it, but then again, it was just a kiss- if you do decide that you want to move past it you need to discuss what her motivation was for doing it.

 

The fact that she doesn't seem sorry about it is not great. I do think that you may have made the right choice.

[velvette]

you should communicate with her that you're mainly upset because she hasn't said sorry. perhaps she doesn't know that's what you expect, and thinks expressing that she regrets it and feels guilty should already say 'sorry'. if you want, give her a chance and talk it out face to face, but you're completely in your right to not put up with that sort of behaviour. however, you were also unnecessarily clingy before she left, doubting her before she gave you reason to mistrust her. also, I would find it rude if my bf kept asking 'did you wait for me?'; it would feel condescending and mistrustful. especially if it's a new relationship, I would wonder how much clingier this guy could get, and would probably want to distance myself.

[catfeeder]

Someone straight out of a breakup is not even dating material.

[DN]

The fact the she didn't show emotion doesn't mean that she wasn't feeling emotional. When people know they are probably going to be hurt some will put up an emotional guard.

[cantalonie]

Thanks for the advice everyone

Im still wondering what I should do??

 

Just to clarify a few things

 

She didnt state she was loyal and trustworthy until I asked her on one of our early dates .. what are three good qualities about yourself. She loved that question and that was one of the first things she said.

 

Im just trying to understand if this was my fault.

 

Was I too clingy. Yes I admit I was worried about her trip. The trip was essentailly a 'singles' trip she had organised before she met me.

But I didnt call or text her at all while she was away. I responded to her Facebook messages with "have fun... party hard babe!"

She was the one who messaged things like... miss you... she even said while she was in venice "hope one day we can do it together.. its so romantic"

 

Once she left I completely backed off. but I admit I did get full on when she returned. I wanted to know where I stand.

 

But it doesnt explain her behaviour on the trip. It was just such a shock. After all she promised and said before she went.

 

She has completely changed since she got back home. Not even while she was away. But when she returned... its like she was completely detached.

 

She was in a relationship for 3 years. But she was in one of those pseudo situations, where they wouldnt see each other at all for long periods. And she hadnt talked to him for the last 4weeks. Just broke up with him and walked away. She said she never even cried when she did it.

 

SHe pursued me at first. Contacted me.

 

DO you think she would behave like this in the future?

 

She said she wants to start again.. but take things slow. CAn we go backwards in this particular situation.

 

I noticed her facebook status said "too soon to be in a relationship, just want to be single for a while"

But is she just hiding behind the fact that I broke up with her? The last thing she said to me was "maybe you will change your mind"

I feel like she is treating me like a problem. And I dont know if she just cant be bothered because she is back from a holiday of a lifetime and feels excited or if she genuinely wants to move on.

 

I cant talk to her, because she is absolutely aweful at expressing herself. She has nothing to say. Even when I talked to her she just said "theres nothing more for me to say". I feel like Im just fishing for her thoughts... It doesnt feel sincere, when I have to ask her... "what do you want"

she says... "ah maybe start again.."

 

I told her that I think she just wants to keep partying and her response was "no I dont"... but why go out and get drunk with her friends the weekend she returned...

 

I know we were together for only 2 months but until she stepped on that plane... she was so keen. She talked about the future with me. Like it was important to her. I didnt initiate these things. Now its like she is not even there.

[Ariel85]

My take is that your neediness and insecurity drove her away. I mean, you had a total meltdown before she went away, and made the whole thing so un fun.

 

No one likes a stage five clinger, and I think you ended up living a self-fulfilling prophecy. You were convinced she was going to cheat, you kept humping her incessantly about that before the trip, during the trip, and once she got home.

 

You basically told her that no matter what she said or did, you weren't going to believe her. You had her convicted before she even packed her bags. I think when you keep accusing people of cheating before they even do anything wrong, you get them thinking there's no point in remaining faithful, because you won't believe them anyhow.

 

This fell apart because of your insecurity and overwhelming neediness. No other reason.

[cantalonie]

Arial85

 

You nailed it. It is exactly how I feel now. I thank you for that. The moment I read your comment I knew it was true.

 

Straight after this I messaged her... told her I was sorry for losing it. The holiday to europe was an iceberg and it made me lose it. I was so unsure about things... and I had no control over it. I told her that I should have let her be free on the trip and have the chance to do what people do when they come out of a break up. I told her it was bad timing and I made it worse for us. It stopped being fun. And I was obsessed with the idea that nobody cheats... and that was silly.

I told her that she shouldnt feel guilty for doing what she wanted to do... have fun. And I told her that we can always be friends. No animosity.

 

I dont want her back. Its over. It can never be the same. But at least I have some closure. I will remember the two months for the fun it was. And yeh.... any guy would have cut off their pinky to be able to have the fun I had with this girl. A bikini-model in my bed for all that time. It was fun for what it was. My mate hehe was right... I should be wrapped to have had the chance to be the rebound guy here... while everyone else could only fantasize with the PG- rated magazines she posed..in all the shops.

 

Even still I actually loved hanging out with her. Wining and Dining and lying on the couch together and doing all those things. It was more than sex but it was bad timing.

 

Thanks heaps everyone.

 

Posting here was the best thing I ever did.