Conflict of interest

[MattW]

For the longest time, I've been struggling with the fact that I can never really find any girls I'm personally attracted to, to pursue. That's part of the reason I have never really dated or been "involved" in any way with any girls. It's seemed so bizarre, to me, and even other people on forums like these have found it quite bizarre, as well.

 

But I think I'm starting to understand why I'm this way, now. Not to get too "graphic", or anything, but I've realized that, in terms of just raw physical/ sexual attraction, I'm very attracted to older women (late 30s, 40s, even early 50s). But, I wouldn't want to date or be in a long term relationship with an older woman. Meanwhile, I'm very attracted to the idea of being in a relationship with someone my age, but I just don't feel that same kind of physical attraction. That's not to say I have zero sexual attraction to girls my age, but it's just not as strong or powerful as it is for older women. Just to add, this attraction to older women isn't something new, either. I can remember having it as far back as my early teens.

 

So, I think it's this conflict of interest that is causing me major problems. My mind wants one thing, but my body seems to want something else entirely. I'm, like... out of sync, completely. I guess my question is, what do I do to get myself back in sync? How do I get rid of this "conflict of interest"?

[kate246]

Well from the sounds of things you are interested in a relationship - ie. more than just sex. You need to find someone you have lots of fun with and can get along really well with. You want a lover who is also a friend. You said you are still physically attracted to girls your age, so I'd give it a try with someone your age. You may always have this fantasy of an older woman, but putting that extra layer of really getting along with the person, the sex might be better than the initial attraction of the older women.

[oldenoughtoknow]

Have you thought about whether the attraction to older women is purely physical? Attraction is a hugely complex thing. Maybe, are you attracted to certain nonphysical qualities that older women tend to have, such as maturity and confidence? If that holds true, then you can search for a "mature" woman your age. Just something to think about.

[MattW]

Have you thought about whether the attraction to older women is purely physical? Attraction is a hugely complex thing. Maybe, are you attracted to certain nonphysical qualities that older women tend to have, such as maturity and confidence? If that holds true, then you can search for a "mature" woman your age. Just something to think about.

 

I'm sure that's a small part of it, but I do think it's mostly physical. I don't know, I don't really get it, myself. All I know is, I tend to find myself "checking out" older women much more often than girls my own age.

 

Well from the sounds of things you are interested in a relationship - ie. more than just sex. You need to find someone you have lots of fun with and can get along really well with. You want a lover who is also a friend. You said you are still physically attracted to girls your age, so I'd give it a try with someone your age. You may always have this fantasy of an older woman, but putting that extra layer of really getting along with the person, the sex might be better than the initial attraction of the older women.

 

You're pretty much spot on about what it is I want in a relationship. Like I said, though, while I do still have a very basic attraction to girls in general, it's just not strong enough towards girls in my own age range to really push me to "give it a try" with someone my age. I've never really met a girl that I felt I had much of a "connection" with, personality-wise or physically.

[Day_Walker]

I think that rather than have an intellectual battle with yourself over older vs. younger women, that you just need to go out there and date. Just get familiar with the process and have fun with it.