Not just any cyber relationship...

[minimini]

A few days ago I celebrated my birthday and finally decided to stop contacting my cyber guy. As the title says, this was not just any cyber relationship. The guy I was having this relationship with was my first boyfriend... from jr. high.... we shared our first kiss when we were 13. While my husband was working out of the country, I contacted this guy one day on Facebook (in January), and we were pretty much inseparable since (virtually speaking, that is). We live in different states, and are both married with one child each. A few weeks after we reconnected on Facebook, he was visiting "home" near me on serious family matters. His mom was terminally ill and while he was in town his mom passed away. While he was here, we met... first, for coffee, then more, and more... and by the end of the week, we had both cheated on our marriages.

 

From day one, I knew that it would all end badly. There was no where for it to go.. but I didn't get out. I ended up moving out of the country to be with my hubby, but also to put distance between he and I. But the cyber affair didn't end. We just fell deeper and deeper in love... started depending on each other more and more emotionally. Somewhere around June, he started breaking down. His mom's passing started sinking in and I guess the stresses of his "real" life were increasing. From June until now (August) he started writing less and less and so did I. At one point (mid-July), I told him that we should just stop writing because I wasn't handling things very well. I had started to drink regularly to over-ride my conscience and had lost 10 lbs.! But I just couldn't let go! Time and time again I wrote to him and tried to figure out what happened... where the breakdown happened. I de-friended him then re-friended him then de-friended him again. Wow! I was a spaz!

 

Finally.... on my birthday, I sent him a message on Facebook saying that I basically couldn't stomach some of the things written on his wall (like his wife posting that she loves him) and that I couldn't stand not hearing back from him so he wouldn't be hearing from me any more. I asked him to wish me a Happy Birthday and tell me he loves me. He did. Said he was in love with me, always will be, but writing to each other hurt because he knew he couldn't have me. He told me about the hardships he was dealing with over the past few months. Anger issues, alcohol issues, stress. He also said that he is going to go into marriage counseling with his wife.

 

I'm happy for him. Glad that he is going to work on his issues. I know that he did not grow up in an ideal childhood and he is trying to prevent his son from experiencing the same. I would never have left my husband. I actually fessed up to my husband about this guy and my husband actually understood! Anyway, now I'm just trying to figure out how to move on. I know that I am more in love with him than I ever have been with anyone and we share a crazy amount of chemistry with each other! I've never had that kind of chemistry with anyone... not even my husband! How do I move on with my life with a nagging feeling that my soul mate is out there. We both think of the other as the one that "got away". Can I be happy again now that I know that a love like this exists??

[ForumGuy]

You can, and should, get a divorce from your husband and go pursue your heart's desire. You say your husband "understood".....does this mean he still "understands", as in he knows you are still pining for this other guy, or does your husband think it is over and in the past?

[minimini]

My husband knows that there is someone out there that I have feelings for. He know that there is some kind of connection there. He also know that I have de-friended him from Facebook and don't plan on having any contact with the other guy. I don't plan on divorcing my husband as the other guy doesn't plan to get a divorce either. Just wanted some pointers on how to move past this successfully...

[Lithp]

WOWZA!! Sounds like a doozy.

 

Great decision you made, cutting off contact. I can see where you would feel that was necessary.

 

I know you said this guy was your first kiss/love, but you guys have obviously had enough time between you to start living your lives, getting married, having children, etc.. Is it possible your feelings were solely based on the fact that you were mutually supportive of each other, and had this 'ideal' version in your head of what the other was like? A lot can change over years, especially with marriage and children involved, and maybe this was based off of having something new and exciting. Could you really see yourself with him? Do you really love him, or the idea of him?

 

You should now start focusing on you, your marriage and you child. Try to rekindle the feelings with your husband - you fell in love and married him for a reason, try to rediscover that. I don't think you should divorce your husband for this guy - partly for the reason you stated, and also because you didn't necessarily say you weren't happy in your marriage, or didn't feel love for your husband, just that the feelings for this guy were overwhelming.

 

If anything, maybe try looking at it that way. You love the idea of this guy. More than likely, even if you did end up divorcing and getting together with him, things wouldn't end up like you expected. You don't know what it is to live with him, to truly share a life with him - flaws and all. Start focusing on your marriage and stick with the no contact and I think it'll start to get easier.

 

Best wishes to you!

[minimini]

Hey Lithp... Thanks SO much reading my LONG post and replying! It's been 2 weeks since I posted that thread and I am doing MUCH better now! Getting him out of my head has made my home situation much better and my husband and I have been getting along much better. I still feel a bit of anger/ resentment towards him because part of me feels like I was "dumped". But, if he felt like I felt, just plain sick, then I can see why he wanted to get out. Anyway, like you said, I think I was really in love with the idea of him. I mean, he cheated on his wife with me, and went through all kinds of "dark" periods (alcohol, anger, etc.) recently. I don't think I could "live" with that kind of a person. I know that my husband would NEVER cheat on me.... and really that is the kind of security we all want at the end of the day. I'm grateful that I have that. In hindsight I can see that we had both "idealized" each other. I don't think I could live up to what he thought of me either. ;-) Thanks for your response again. I think in our hearts we all know what the right decision is and we tell ourselves certain things, but then it feels so much better when you get validation from someone else!