A longish story and some assistance needed!

[mondokyle]

I've been contemplating on how to handle this situation. I think I need some insight before I decide what to do.

 

I had met this girl 3-4 years ago. With a 8 year age gap, we hit it off quite well and found so many things that we liked to do together. It eventually evolved into a serious relationship and in late December in 2010, we got engaged (She was 24, I was 32). I asked her parents for her hand and we had decided to make plans on our wedding as soon as she could start and complete her internship at a local hospital. I feel that when this transition happened and she started her internship, something happened with us.

 

It was a common night after her internship started that she had gone out with some of her friends from the hospital where I couldn't join on a Saturday night. When I called her the next morning, she abruptly hung up. She called me back an hour later and I found out that she had drank herself to the point where her supervisor had taken her to his house and she had wrapped herself in the bathroom to complete the untoxification process after a serious night of drinking. Completely out of my element, I called her out on it and accused her supervisor of having ulterior motives. She had told me in good faith that nothing had happened, and that she was deeply hurt by the accusations and how she had never seen that side of me. We didn't talk for a week and she had needed some time to think about things.

 

To be all honest, I feel a part of this didn't have to play out this way if other factors weren't at work. I live and pay for a large part of my father's mortgage so that he and my brother can stay at home as my brother is out of work and my Dad had to take an early retirement package in recent years. Because of this arrangement, me and my fiance don't live together and she has her own place. My plans were to move this year, but I choose to sacrifice the immediate move and use a portion of these funds to fund a ring because the right girl may only come by once or twice, but real estate is a dime a dozen. A yearish delay is no big deal if you plan on being with someone for life.

 

Shortly after our quiet time, we had a great FWB episode that culminated in an agreement that we take a break from our engagement. This was also a time when she wanted to also pursue a more intensive career path in her current internship as well. We agreed to take a break until we could agree on a timeframe in 2012 that we could discuss our future (if any). We also opened up the field so that we could engage other partners. We both felt that we were the best fit together to be married, but that we weren't ready for it right now (obviously, meaning the balance was truly weighted more towards her not being ready). She understands that I am set where I want to be in life, but she felt encumbered by not being able to aggresively exploit her career options at her age because every consideration would have to involve the impact on me as her finace.

 

Our social networking sites would still show us being engaged. She had felt that if we were able to let the time "elapse," during this 1.5 year period she would be in a better state of mind as well, and it would less of a shock right now than to disturb the equilibrium between our acquaintances and parents, so to speak. In 1.5 or less years, perhaps people would not even know we were on a break to being with if we are back to being engaged. We agreed to that.

 

The ring would still be in her possession for now, and she would still wear it to large family get togethers, etc. She would not wear obviously when going out with me because of our break and with her friends.

 

After that last discussion and for the past 2 months, we have seen each other once a week to take the odd cooking lessons together, take in some shopping or sometimes a night of dancing. On occasion, that would lead to an overnight stay at her place, etc. Since working, she has definitely changed. Her disposition has gained a more aggressive side, leading to us having heated, but somewhat constructive sessions where we would discuss the things that have bothered us in the last few years and what we should do to change respectively. She is honest and tells me that she goes to party and has become great friends with her supervisor. In some of her jokes with him via casual texts, some of it contains a certain amount of sexual innuendo, however light it may be. I have learned to accept this because we had agreed on the arrangements of our break, but the events in recent weeks have begun to shift the momentum where I feel motivated with a vast amount of negative energy.

 

She is going to be working in the states for the next half year or more. She had sold her own place already and will be back at home maybe once or twice for a few weeks. For the majority of the time, she'll be alone in a strange land, but for those few weeks back here at home, her supervisor had offered a bedroom in his house free of charge for her. She would then be able to hitch a ride to the office and hospital instead of her having to incur parking and other fees. She lets me know of these developments, and frequently acknowledges that she believes I am the right person for her, but that she needs this time to develop her career and experiment with other partners. We still have our intimate moments and pdas in public, but for sure I see her much less than other people, including her supervisor during the day and most nights.

 

Because of my arrangements, I cannot offer her the same right now and cannot until probably much later in 2012 when I move into my own place after I can move my Dad and brother to a smaller and cheaper place as my Brother may be moving overseas to live with our grandparents. This leaves a certain amount of time, where developments can occur where I may not be able to tolerate.

 

I feel that I am a great predictor of subtle undertexts. Small random and trivial events, are just that; trivial. But a sequence of events, some of which are direct predeccessors, lends itself to a much great exposition. Let's be honest, in an average populace, the propensity for a male-female platonic relationship is very small.. perhaps even in single digit percentages. If I was single, and my attractive co-worker needed a hand, I wouldn't say that I would offer her a place to stay so I could get in her pants, but it would certainly give me a heck of a better chance to develop develop a relationship with her. If that just happened out of blue, I may give it the benefit of the doubt, but the other small events with her supervisor leads me to believe that he may be in it for more than just sex, he may want her as a permanent steady. We agreed on partner experimentation, so that isn't what bothers me. The fact that he is getting closer to her and will be getting even closer in the next few months is the biggest part thats been giving me nightmares and contributing to my disenchantment in the office.

 

With this happening, I feel that the shield I've been able to put it won't last another 6 months of battering. I feel like I am going to start to experience episodes of neediness and I need some help with the public with how I can deal with this. With 4 years on the line, do I watch and see how this unfolds and find some way to quell these obnoxious feelings of jealousy, or do I just end it and move on? I never anticipated the possibility of having to date again. Because of my situation, I also promised myself to not date anyone until I have moved out because once I start dating again, it will be casual dating but definitely with an eye to see if there will be some possibility to develop her into wife material.

 

I'll be honest and try to not sound obnoxious myself, but in between these fits of rage, I know that I am more than a decent catch both emotionally and financially and can easily find someone else, but I have a great deal of feelings for my current semi ex-fiancee and when I am with her, her re-assurement is very convincing. When I hinted that I wanted to safeguard her ring while she was away, she had mentioned that she may still want to wear it while away on occasion. She probably has found ways of pushing my buttons and some of you may feel I'm being led on until the next best thing comes along for her, but maybe if anyone wants to have a go at my story... I'll try to answer any questions as best as I can.

 

Thanks..

[chitown9]

I think your relationship, if that is what you call it, is very loosey-goosey. I think that the fact she wears the engagment ring for "certain occasions" is a farce, and therefore ludicrous. I think that you need to get the ring back and cut her loose. Then find a woman to be in a real relationship with you.

 

You asked....chi

[mondokyle]

I think your relationship, if that is what you call it, is very loosey-goosey. I think that the fact she wears the engagment ring for "certain occasions" is a farce, and therefore ludicrous. I think that you need to get the ring back and cut her loose. Then find a woman to be in a real relationship with you.

 

You asked....chi

 

Thanks for the quick reply, your comments are appreciated.. it helps the decision making process