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Hello ENA community...


I haven't been on in a while, largely because I felt like a broken record and some people were getting mean. That said, I think it did me some good. After everything with the same dang guy for the past 5+ years, the truth is seeping out and things are changing. I only share this because I once needed hope, and didn't believe in anything. The past few months he's been in therapy and although the changes I'm seeing are subtle and FAR from ideal, I am seeing them. We've had some real heart to hearts at HIS initiation. I was shocked. Floored. And most of all, I don't trust it. As much as I want to believe there's hope, he has a LONG way to go to win me back. I'll always love him and no matter how hard I tried (more dates than I could count) he's still the one that "does it" for me. SO.... I guess I just have to play the game of life and see what happens.


One thing, the MAJOR thing that has changed...? IS ME. I no longer allow those crazy feelings and insecurities stop me from saying what I need to say. And through some learned maturity, I'm able to articulate my feelings and needs in such a way that is not threatening to him. So that it doesn't become another pointless argument. Dare I say he HEARS me!? YES! I firmly believe that MY changing my approach and reaction has had a DRAMATIC affect on how things are where they are today. We have a long road ahead if things are to become anything real, but at the very least, I'm growing and healing.


The most important thing that came to me was from one night I saw a hypnotherapist. While I was totally uncomfortable with the experience and didn't return, I wonder if that little hour broke the addiction just enough. It was worth the try. And now? Now I am able to disassociate just enough to not implode when the emotions hit. I can actually DEAL with it rationally--even when I know the emotions are totally irrational, I can still accept them and manage to articulate my needs and desires instead of clamming up and running away in fear.


Anywhoooo... I felt like I owed it to the community to share some POSITIVE news for a change! It's not all sunshine and roses, but I am definitely doing better.


XOXO to you all... even those who've had to separate from my life.

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Glad to hear that you are doing much better. Hypnotherapy has been used to help cancer patients when they are experiencing panic attacks, especially when they are about to undergo chemotherapy or radiotherapy. It is not for everyone, but it sounds like you had some benefits from it. It is also great that you are sticking up for yourself and making sure your needs and expectations are heard.

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  • 2 weeks later...

If hypnotherapy helped, I wonder if you'd be willing to go again.


Have you ever read John Gottman? See if you can find his stuff on his Sound Relationship House Theory and what he says about the Masters of relationships v. Disasters of relationships. Might help if communication is your issue.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Thanks. Well, I am not sure I'd ever do hypnotherapy again. I really felt violated! That was a weird experience. Well, I tried with him. I allowed him to try to prove himself, but it all went down the same road after all. I did get to finally break the daze and when we were out this past weekend I couldn't have been more uncomfortable. I'd spent the entire week with him and was tense as could be. I didn't want to be with him! I wanted to go home. Saturday night his old behaviour of subtle verbal abuse took control and my askin ghim to stop didn't work. I remained calm, thankfully. I simply asked to go, packed my things and left. He was staring at me the entire time, following me from room to room asking me to come back and talk it through. I stood in the doorway and said, fine. Talk. Say SOMETHING to make me stay. He didn't. About an hour later and 8 texts, 2 calls and a voicemail stating only "call me", what does he do? He calls the other women in his life begging them. All this took a terrible turn for the dramatic and I simply don't want that life any more. Now I anticiapte the grand overture, but it's far too late. I feel stronger than ever before and am confident that I can resisit the temptation. Which to some is pathetic -- to me, it's a HUGE change. Does he love me? Maybe. Does this work for me? ABSOLUTELY NOT. Sad that after everything he's done it took one night of disrespectful behaviour in public to open my eyes. Then hearing all the crap from the other girl (who is all over the place regarding her contact with him) well, I am just tired of the drama, yanno? Sheesh. I can honestly say that I gave it my all. I have made mistakes, many. But being with a person that can make me do stupid stuff is simply wrong! And I was stupid. And... well... I guess it doesn't matter any more. In many ways, I am releieved more than anything. But I will always love him and miss CERTAIN parts. It's just the bad so far outweighs the good--it's time. I am making this one change. Just one. But it's a big one for me. I just hope I can stay strong. No matter how heavy he lays it on.



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I hope you can stay strong, too. I read this thread when you originally posted it, and I cringed as I read that you were giving this guy yet another chance. I didn't post at that time becauseI really didn't know what to say. I remember your posts about him from a couple years ago, and really, he's horrible. He's a very unhealthy person, and he has inflicted his unhealthiness on you for FAR too long. He is NOT changing, and it is unlikely that he ever will. Honestly, the stuff you used to post about him made me shake my head; I remember wondering how you could put yourself through all of that and hoping that one day you would see how damaged a person he is, that you can't help him, and that you are MUCH better off without him.


You are still young. You have lots of time to find love -- and find yourself -- without this guy. No one is worth the heartache this guy put you through. To stay strong, you need to get to the root of WHY you let this guy have such a hold over you for so long. Completely, totally leave him out of the equation and focus on yourself and taking care of YOU. He's NOT capable of giving you what you need, want, and deserve. If you think about caving in and giving him yet another chance, think of the absolute WORST thing he ever did or said to you, and think about how that made you feel. Really call up that feeling again and experience it. Then, ask yourself, "Do I REALLY want to put myself through THAT again?" The answer should be a resounding "HELL NO!" Anything else is turning your back on your obligation to yourself.


Good luck to you. I KNOW you'll be fine without him. I can 100% guarantee it.

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Thank you. I know I’ve lost my mind in all of this. It’s not so much that something kept me involved with him so much as I felt that I deserved what was promised to me long ago (not by him… I heard loud and clear a strong voice telling me to go to him initially and be patient. No matter how much I wanted out, this voice was always there, I thought it was divine—maybe it was my other personality? JK!) So, when it came to a point where he’s stating that he cared about me, loved me, wanted to date me and only me, etc… I guess I had to see it through. It was just really odd that when I finally got to that point with him, I was horrified that THIS is what I’d been waiting for. Maybe it doesn’t really make sense, but that was my train of thought. And that’s what made me walk away this weekend. I’m hurting now, no doubt. Fearing and half hoping that he would change for me, but in all reality, even if he did, I don’t think I would ever trust it. It’s been crazy drama from the start and I was just too weak when I met him to understand what was happening.


I have no plans to let him back in. Although, the crud that this other chick has said has a lot of truth to it. I was nothing more than a * * * * * to him—regardless of how I felt. This is the initial mistake I made in the beginning. If I’d held out for a real date, I probably would have seen MUCH earlier the man he really is. All I keep going back to is how he was disrespecting me the other night and the things he was saying. And the saddest part is that he didn’t seem to have a CLUE as to why that would upset someone. I was actually scared. That was it. I am looking forward to being alone—completely. And healing.


Thanks for your support.

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  • 2 weeks later...

It seems to me like a good place for you to start would be to define what love is. Ask yourself whether your personal definition of love is one you can live with. Remember that actions tell you so much more than words ever can. Always look at behavior and not what he is saying.


A man's personality is formed early in life and you cannot change them. (Side story - I have been married once before to a man who told me that he married me with the hope that I would change. He didn't want to be with ME, he wanted to be with some fantasy in his head. The real me was a person he didn't even like.) You can compromise with one during a life together but you cannot make adjustments to their personalities or who they are. And a man who is verbally abusive (or abusive in other ways) is not going to change - not without great motivation, and most of the time a loss of a relationship is not enough of a factor. Men are not projects that we can renovate into what we want them to be - to try is futile and a huge blow to the morale when you have to face up to constant failure.


The voice that you hear in your head should always have your best interest at heart. If it doesn't, something is wrong. If the voice isn't the Voice of Reason, and it's telling you to do something that you or your friends and family know is bad for you, reevaluate that voice. Sure, our emotions are hard to control, and cannot be explained with logic, but self-preservation should rule over all. Love and relationships simply cannot be based on pure emotion, intuition, lust, etc. Those things are important but they shouldn't be a decision-making factor when searching for a partner. It has to make sense, there has to be respect, from him and for yourself. (In my experience, very intense lust or being drawn strongly towards someone can actually be a bad and unhealthy thing - the nature of those relationships almost precludes the necessary dispassionate, objective evaluation needed to determine whether this person is truly right for you.)


I agree with browneyedgirl - there are plenty of other people out there to meet, no sense in settling for one who will not treat you the way you want. Going back for more only rewards his bad behavior. Being single and dating is hard and you go through a lot of duds, but it's better than settling for letting a disrespectful guy use you for sex.

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