Gimpyrks Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 Hey everyone. I have recently found out that I was being used all summer by a guy who I thought genuiley cared about me. But come to find out he never did, and he was still having a relationship with his "ex girlfriend". I am deeply hurt about this, and I am beating myself up over it because I knew better, or at least I do now. This prompted me to start this thread. I was one a while back but thought it couldn't hurt to start another one up. In this thread, list what you have learnt from dating. It can be anything from what you are looking for a person, to what you don't want in your SO, to red flags YOU SHOULD NOT IGNORE, to great dating ideas, etc. I'll start it out, and most of these are lessons from this summer. 1. Don't date or get involved with a guy who is living with his ex. Weather they are really broken up or not. 2. If the ex e mails you saying they are still in a relationship, but the person you are "dating" says other wise, believe the "ex" or at least really question the person you are dating. 3. Just because the person you are seeing has no problem meeting your family, doesn't mean he isn't using you. 4. (This is a personal preference) Really wait to have sex with someone, at least more then two months. 5. After 3 or 4 months of dating someone his or her real colors start to show. Well thats my beginning list. Please feel free to add Link to comment
feenyx Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 It really depends on the people involved. But your list is pretty much true, OP. I do have suggestion for your #1 though. I was living with my ex before I initiated "getting to know" my husband. I met him online and we were talking on the phone while my ex and I were sorting out the logistics of my moving out. It took about 2 weeks for me to get out. I didn't want to meet or go past the "friends stage" with my SO until I moved out and was settled into my new place, so it worked out for us. I do agree whole-heartedly that waiting would be the best option here, because had I met him while I was still living with my ex, I'm sure things would've gotten very messy. It really matters though, to ask the question "So what about your last relationship? Are you still in contact with them?" I think that holds much more importance. The ex that I mentioned before wasn't living with his ex, but he was still working things out with her. They had broken up officially over two years ago but were FWB, and their last encounter was probably a month before meeting me. It was a huge red flag, and I ignored it. I stayed in a relationship with him for years. Then we broke upbecause he got reaquainted with another girl from his past (not surprising). I didn't feel like competing against another high school sweetheart. The guy had huge issues closing doors on relationships, so if I had stayed with him I had to be open to the idea of going on the backburner for these girls who somehow had nothing to do with my relationship with him but everything to do about him. Link to comment
Gimpyrks Posted August 30, 2011 Author Share Posted August 30, 2011 Well his "ex" wasn't really his ex..and I did ignore a lot of red flags that I now see. He only talked about moving out once..the last time I saw him and had contact with him :sigh: still kind of painful to talk about. Link to comment
banal Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 Assume that everyone you are dating is seeing other people and sleeping with them. Link to comment
In the Dark Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 Assume that everyone you are dating is seeing other people and sleeping with them. If I thought this way, I would not be dating anyone! There is always an amount of risk of getting hurt. Bad experiences can help with weeding out the rabble but it must not relate to your next love. So in saying that, I'd say don't let past experiences make you bitter and affect the way you behave towards yuor new love. There's nothing worse than being treated like crap because your ex has baggage from the previous relationship. Link to comment
Fudgie Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 I actually think true colours come out after 6 months or more. Just my experience. 3-4 months and people are often still in love at that point and on their "best behaviour". I agree with "In the Dark", don't let your past experiences make you a bitter a-hole. I personally don't have time to deal with people who have unnecessary insecurity issues or feel the need to stalk me because their ex cheated on them. Get your baggage off BEFORE you date. I think it's important to date someone who has a lot of common interests as you. And they should have the same goals. Link to comment
Gimpyrks Posted August 30, 2011 Author Share Posted August 30, 2011 How do you get your baggage away from you? My last "relationship" I felt like I was used and right now I don't really feel like I could trust a guy in a relationship sense, how can I get over this? Link to comment
In the Dark Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 How do you get your baggage away from you? My last "relationship" I felt like I was used and right now I don't really feel like I could trust a guy in a relationship sense, how can I get over this? Realize the next person who chooses to date you is not the same person as the one who used you. If you can not rationalize that, then you are going to be stuck being single or end up behaving all irrational and confusing in the relationship when something he does triggers a memory of the ex. It doesn't even have to be something bad that the new person does. So yeah, remember the next person is NOT your using ex. Link to comment
Gimpyrks Posted August 30, 2011 Author Share Posted August 30, 2011 My problem isn't necessarily comparing a boyfriend to an ex...it's feeling that giggly feelings towards the next guy. I find that with each passing relationship I can't seem to muster up the emotional feelings like I did with the previous relationship. For example..2 ex's ago he would give me compliments often and it would make me feel really good about myself. But with this ex I have right now...he would call me beautiful and I wouldn't get that same feeling, even though the relationship was better then the one before. I just don't want this pattern to continue. Link to comment
In the Dark Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 Sounds like you're closing yourself off more and more from each relationship each time. Sounds like an emotional issue due to past relationships. So it is still relating to past relationships. Thinking that what the next one is saying is not true due to what you have experienced. If you are inclined to be this way regardless of what you are thinking, then I don't know if there is a way around feeling less and less excited each time. Link to comment
Gimpyrks Posted August 31, 2011 Author Share Posted August 31, 2011 I guess the hard part is that I don't know that I'm thinking this, or that I'm not doing it on purpose. Link to comment
In the Dark Posted August 31, 2011 Share Posted August 31, 2011 You're not doing it on purpose IMO Other wise you wouldn't be questioning this. Maybe being single for long time may adjust things. More then 6 months. Link to comment
desert_rose26 Posted August 31, 2011 Share Posted August 31, 2011 It's all a game. It can end any moment. Link to comment
banal Posted August 31, 2011 Share Posted August 31, 2011 I actually think true colours come out after 6 months or more. Just my experience. 3-4 months and people are often still in love at that point and on their "best behaviour". I agree with "In the Dark", don't let your past experiences make you a bitter a-hole. I personally don't have time to deal with people who have unnecessary insecurity issues or feel the need to stalk me because their ex cheated on them. Get your baggage off BEFORE you date. I think it's important to date someone who has a lot of common interests as you. And they should have the same goals. I'm not bitter about anything. It's just a fact, that this is a fair assumption to make: in fact, advice of this sort is championed on this board all of the freakin' time. Link to comment
hrtlsngl7 Posted August 31, 2011 Share Posted August 31, 2011 -Be yourself -Don't put up w/ BS/Stand your ground (as a man) -Avoid Loners...cuz they mad clingy. Link to comment
Gimpyrks Posted August 31, 2011 Author Share Posted August 31, 2011 Your right in the dark. I love being single, always have. I was single 80% of the time in high school, and that was a personal choice. I'm in college now and I should focus on studying instead of guys Link to comment
hrtlsngl7 Posted September 1, 2011 Share Posted September 1, 2011 How do you get your baggage away from you? My last "relationship" I felt like I was used and right now I don't really feel like I could trust a guy in a relationship sense, how can I get over this? Probably cuz not all guys are the same. That's like us saying that about women. I know that ya'll are a spectrum: Neurotics, Feminists, Stubborns, Gold-diggers, Co-dependants, Psychos, Nymphos, Prudes, Clingers, & Violent. It's like a box of chocolates Link to comment
RitaTrue Posted September 1, 2011 Share Posted September 1, 2011 I actually think true colours come out after 6 months or more. Just my experience. 3-4 months and people are often still in love at that point and on their "best behaviour". I agree. Good question OP. Let's see.... 1)Don't settle. 2)Listen to your instincts!! 3)Work on your insecurities. The insecurities that devour your last relationship will repeat in your next one. Nip in the bud: Work on yourself first before investing into a relationship. 4)Be accepted for who you are--as you are. If they want to change you to fit what they want, instead of taking you the way you are--leave them. Period. (Learned this the hard way!) Link to comment
Gimpyrks Posted September 1, 2011 Author Share Posted September 1, 2011 RitaTrue you made some awesome points! This one kind of rides along side of your #4 Don't change for anyone. If he or she isn't accepting of who you are then they are not worth your time. You also should be in a relationship where you don't feel like you are being judged all the time. Link to comment
Fudgie Posted September 1, 2011 Share Posted September 1, 2011 Another thing that I've learned is that you shouldn't feel "restricted" in a relationship. Now, every relationship has healthy boundaries...what's okay and what's not. I think you should have those, absolutely. But my point is that you shouldn't feel RESTRICTED by them and feel like you WANT to do something but you can't. Feelings like breed resentment and will poison the relationship. The way to get around this is to find someone who matches your values. Do not settle. For me, I'm very much in monogamy, I spend oodles of time with my SO, contact them everyday, etc. However, I have no issues with porn or him having friends with girls. I encourage my SO to make friends and have fun with and without me, but stuff like flirting with other people, talking about the inner personal issues of our relationship with other people, etc is NOT okay with me. Those are my boundaries and I'll find someone who agrees with me on them. If I started dating a guy who is more traditional was like "Dump your male friends, no porn, no masturbation" then yes, I would feel restricted by that and not like it because I don't agree with those values. That is not okay with me. I also know that some guys may feel "restricted" by my boundaries. Maybe they want to flirt with others. Well, then they should find a woman who is cool with that. I think of monogamy not as being "restricted' to one person, but that you've made that choice to commit to one person because you enjoy that and want that. If you feel restricted by monogamy as a whole, don't make yourself unhappy by forcing yourself to conform. Have something more open and do what makes you happy. Link to comment
In the Dark Posted September 1, 2011 Share Posted September 1, 2011 RitaTrue you made some awesome points! This one kind of rides along side of your #4 Don't change for anyone. If he or she isn't accepting of who you are then they are not worth your time. You also should be in a relationship where you don't feel like you are being judged all the time.\ You should be this way right from the start! Don't be someone different because you see something which you want in the other person! Now to turn this around and to go back on what Fudge said. People show their true colours a few months down the track. Get where I'm coming from? These people who show their true colours a few months down the track were no being who they are at the start because they wanted something that you have. In hopes of you being sucked in to who you fell for at the start. Link to comment
Gimpyrks Posted September 2, 2011 Author Share Posted September 2, 2011 Very true InTheDark. But since it's the "honey moon" stage then things seem perfect, 3 or 4 months is when possibly not so perfect problems start to show themsevles and then you get a real taste for what that person is like in those kinds of situations. Oh I'm not sure if this goes for all guys but it's kind of my general rule "If a guy isn't respectful to his mother, don't expect him to respect you" or something along those lines. A lady I worked with told me this and so far it has been true. Have any of you come accross guys that this is true or not true for? I don't mean they have to be buddy buddy to their mother but at least respect them because she is HIS mother. Also, I wonder if it's the same for girls if they respect their dad's. Guys whats your input on this? I know this wouldn't work if a guy or girl lost or wasn't in contact with his or her mother or father. Link to comment
Fudgie Posted September 2, 2011 Share Posted September 2, 2011 I'm torn on it. I have a couple of friends with really messed up mothers. My best friend has a mother with a drug addiction and personality problem. She's destructive and evil and has tried to kill him. When he was really litle, he told her to "f off" and get out of his life and she was dead to her, and he hasn't seen her. So I think that should be an exception. Overall, I do think it's a plus if someone respects their parents. A very good sign. Link to comment
Gimpyrks Posted September 2, 2011 Author Share Posted September 2, 2011 Good point Fudgie. There are always exceptions to "rules" Link to comment
Gimpyrks Posted September 3, 2011 Author Share Posted September 3, 2011 Thought of another one this morning. It's a quote I've seen so many times but thought I'd repeat it. "If you don't stand me at my worst you don't deserve me at my best" Link to comment
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