Celadon Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 I'm feeling a bit uncomfortable about something having to do with a friend and could use some help figuring out what if anything to do/say. Basically, I feel like she's prying for information about how often I spend time with my bf. Like, I'll say I went out with a group of people, and she'll steer the conversation to figure out whether he was one of those people. Or I'll say I went to the movies, and she'll ask if my bf went too. I'm not sure if the reason why she's doing this matters, but since she's also my roommate, the possibilities range from that she kinda likes him to she's afraid I'm going to get engaged and leave her to live by herself. Or maybe she feels she's being excluded from my life by my not talking constantly about him. I don't particularly *want* to tell her every time I am or am not spending time with him, and I've started NOT telling her sometimes what I've been up to, so she won't pry. Of course, someone here's going to tell me to sit down and talk with her , and you may be right. But it's one of those situations where I'd be calling her out on something she could just say is completely innocent, which might make things strained at home. I don't know... I'm just venting, and also wondering what people think... Thanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DylanNotorious Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 Sounds like she's got the hots for your boyfriend. There really is no other logical reason to ask if he's there with you - he's your boyfriend after all and of course you'd be hanging out with him. Just flat out ask her, why she keeps mentioning your boyfriend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ForumGuy Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 Yeah, I get the feeling she is looking for an opening, trying to figure out how close you are with him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 Maybe she is just trying to make conversation.....? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nutbrownhare Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 Yes, I'd ask her straight out. 'You always seem very interested in whether .... is with me or not. Why's that?' You may well not get a straight answer; she may not be aware she's doing it, she may want you to confide in her more, she may be hoping you and your fella aren't as close as you - are for all sorts of reasons ... who knows? However, by doing this you are protecting your privacy without being as blatant as 'Mind your own business!' which could cause offence, whilst letting her know that you've noticed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lastcall23 Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 I agree with the others. Shes probably got a thing for him. My best friend used to do that with me and my ex. Come to find out some months later, she tried making a move on him several times. I'd be careful about this. Even though your boyfriend probably wouldn't even entertain the idea with her, some girls will stop at nothing to get what they want, even best friends unfortunately.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ForumGuy Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 Maybe she is just trying to make conversation.....?Maybe, but not a good idea to ignore the gut feeling. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 Maybe, but not a good idea to ignore the gut feeling. I agree - listen to your gut. but maybe she doesn't need to worry too much if her bf is faithful, etc.... does the roommate have any contact with the bf? are they friends or do they trade e-mails/facebook ever? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Celadon Posted August 29, 2011 Author Share Posted August 29, 2011 Hey guys -- thanks ... and wow. I've wondered several times about her intentions towards him, but I'm surprised several of you zeroed in on her liking him. I mean, I didn't want to get into it in my OP, but there have been instances where she's played the "helpless female" card the minute he's come into the room. And I've absolutely wondered if she's made a play for him via email, Facebook or some another way. He's absolutely faithful, but I'm a little concerned about the future, as there's a chance they may end up having regular contact (that's another story). But we'll take things a day at a time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Timahani Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 The fact of the matter is we all can quess what she is quote on quote "up to" but at the end of the day it is all "assumptions" because no one knows truly what is in your room-mates heart or her motives. In my opinion, the best thing to do in this situation is just to say to your roomate when she asks about your boyfriend is alot going on between us right now, and I just dont feel comfortable talking about ...or I'd rather not talk about him so much.......... when I am away from him I like to focus on my work, school, friends etc...is that okay? I think letting her know in a neutral way that you'd rather not discuss him, keeps you from looking possibly "jealous" or " digging for dirt", and keeps her from getting or feeling "defensive" or "called out". Nonetheless, if you are going to be roomies the lines of communication are going to have to be open in order to maintain healthy boundaries. The four keys to communication that I teach my clients is: 1) dont take things personally 2) dont make assumptions 3) be non-judgemental 4) be respectful. Hope that helps. Have a Blessed day Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 I'd just respond, "Why do you ask?" every time she asks the question. If she's pressed to fumble around with that counter-question often enough (especially if you never offer an answer) she'll quit the 'habit' pretty quickly. Just because someone asks a question, that doesn't automatically obligate you to answer it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 I'd just respond, "Why do you ask?" every time she asks the question. If she's pressed to fumble around with that counter-question often enough (especially if you never offer an answer) she'll quit the 'habit' pretty quickly. Just because someone asks a question, that doesn't automatically obligate you to answer it. good answer!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RelaxByWater84 Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 She could be trying to live vicariously through you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Celadon Posted August 30, 2011 Author Share Posted August 30, 2011 I'll have to try that counter-question, catfeeder. Yes, I don't have to give her any answer just because she asks. My tactics up till now have included avoidance and side-stepping, since anything else feels like "escalating" to me. But maybe I'll smile next time and calmly say, "Jane, why do you ask?" And yes, to both Timahani and RBW, I don't know what her motives are. Just as I don't want to be on the receiving end of someone else's assumptions about my motives, I don't want to assume 100 percent why she's acting the way she is. Sure, I lean towards the reasons others here have pointed out, but the bottom line is that in some ways it doesn't matter, since I need to figure out my own response regardless of her motives. Maybe bringing her questioning to light with her will get us out of this cat-and-mouse dynamic I feel like we've got going on in our conversations these days. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RelaxByWater84 Posted September 5, 2011 Share Posted September 5, 2011 Just wondering how things are going for you in regards to your roommate?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Celadon Posted September 7, 2011 Author Share Posted September 7, 2011 Hi RBW, thanks for asking. She's backed off since I posted, but I don't know why or how long it'll be until she peppers me with questions again. My best guess is that she goes in phases of recognizing what she's doing and being able to respect my boundaries versus seeming to want information for whatever reason. So I'm still feeling wary, which is sad. I've noticed that she kind of doesn't ask me questions about much else, though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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