MelodyH55 Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 I hooked up with this guy I met through mutual friends over NYE and continued to hook up for 2 months. He is a promoter on the side (he works a finance day job, started a club promoting company with his best friend to save up money to make their movie) so it was hard getting used to the fact that he always had girls around so things fizzled and we stopped hooking up. 2 months ago, he started texting me and we started hanging out again. We have a great time together but it is pretty casual. We have the same group of friends and are always at the same spots because he promotes the same 2 clubs on the weekends (although I try not to go to his clubs). We had dinner last week but don't normally make plans to hang out, we mainly get together when we see each other. He also wanted to plan a trip to the lake so we are going with some friends next week. He also is trying to travel with me when I go to Spain in November (said he has always wanted to go and is going to get his passport renewed..who knows if he will follow through). When I'm with him, it seems as though he is interested because we have so much fun together. Although, I know if he REALLY was interested, he would call me and make plans with me all the time. I like him but realize he may not be in the place for a relationship right now. My question is...if I wanted to take our relationship in that direction, what's the best route to go? Play hard to get? Or go the honesty route and make my feelings and intentions clear to him (and risk ruining our friendship and the fun we are having now)? I feel as if it may not be a bad route to just have fun and see where things go as long as I KNOW where I stand and what the situation is (but is that being way too easy? he may feel unchallenged and lose interest). He always has a million girls around and I know that is part of the problem. Link to comment
Crusader9 Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 First...having "girls around" and being with those girls are two different things. However, the "hooking up" and his casual approach may be a red flag. If that is what you want, go with it...no worries. If you want more, just ask "what this is" and see what the response is. My guess, it will be that he wants a casual thing...as you said, if he was truly interested or wanted more, he would be calling you and making plans. I'm guessing he isn't that shy because he runs a promotions company for clubs/bars...kinda have to be a social person right? I think you already know the answer to this one...he doesn't want more than casual from the sounds of it...if you don't either, no problem! If you do, then there is a disconnect you either have to sort out with him, or just move on. Link to comment
jjcool00 Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 You've gotta get over your insecurities with this guy if you ever expect anything to develop. If you really enjoy hanging out and having fun with him then initiate more 1on1 situations. He may not be initiating because he is super busy working two jobs. Go with whatever your gut tells you, if your gut tells you hes not interested cut him loose, and next... if your gut says maybe hes busy maybe hes not sure etc, then give it a shot. Really what do you have to lose? Link to comment
Eocsor Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 Just ask where he sees this going. He may be at a place in his life where he just wants to have fun. If you are interested in an exclusive relationship it may not be what he wants. But the only way to know is to ask. Link to comment
Day_Walker Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 The problem is that you think that your actions can change his mind. You cannot operate on that kind of thinking. If this guy doesnt what a relationship I dont see how you can change his mind. You can manipulate him by your actions but there is no guarantee that will work. You just cant make a person feel what they dont feel. Link to comment
Ariel85 Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 It doesn't seem to be very easy for people to transfer from a FWB to a relationship, particularly when it's the woman who wants the relationship (shocking - lol). But, if you want more, then be honest. I don't think playing hard to get is going to make a difference to him, since it seems your only interaction is when he sees you out and about, and then he takes you home. So, out of sight, out of mind, me thinks. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 I think you have to stop being available for hanging out and hooking up and express this to him in a positive way. Not "I don't want an FWB situation" (because it's not like you were close friends first -you didn't meet long ago and didn't develop a close friendship first). I would ask him out on a date you plan in advance (expecting him to ask you first doesn't make much sense - I think the ship has sailed as far as holding out for a traditional dating relationship) and see what he says. If he won't make plans in advance then you have your answer and the next time he invites you home say nicely but firmly "thanks for the invitation but I'm not comfortable with that - if you want to plan a date sometime let me know". My sense is that he assumes you're comfortable with the hanging out/hooking up and isn't interested in a relationship with you (not that you should take this personally!) but if you want to be sure, ask him out on a date. Link to comment
MelodyH55 Posted August 31, 2011 Author Share Posted August 31, 2011 This is all great advice, I completely agree with all of you! THANK YOU for all of your thoughts! A new development (I am LIVID and something definitely needs to change): So I planned a trip to the lake Monday-Wed and last night he texts me asking me about it and that "of course" he's in, etc. He starts texting me joking about hooking up at the lake and I won't lie I give it back to him. It continues this morning then I get a text from him saying "What if I want to bring some girls so we can have some group activity fun " Of course, I'm LIVID at this point but pretty sure he knows I'm not like that so respond "Do whatever you want, just let me know. There will be absolutely NO extracurricular group activities". Then the conversation goes: Him: "Haha im kidding. What do you mean?" ( * * * do you mean "what do you mean?" what do YOU MEAN YOU ASS??) Me: "I mean I do not do threesomes! Let me get back to you about the table for your party on sunday. I forgot about the other party I have to go to" (i.e. i'm actually really pissed off but being passive aggressive. I totally didn't forget about the other party but i'm pissed and want nothing to do with u right now) silence Him: "What's the other party?" no response Him: "You can do both" I know he was most likely joking about the orgy thing. But even so, even asking to invite other girls to a trip I'VE planned is rude. I've just resorted to ignoring him but can't forever. Should I just drop it or let him know I'm pissed? I know I have no right to be pissed right now but can't believe he'd actually think to invite other girls on my trip unless he really was joking about that...but I doubt it. Link to comment
jjcool00 Posted August 31, 2011 Share Posted August 31, 2011 It's a feeler text to see if you would ever be interested, you'd be surprised how often guys send out "feeler" messages. But yea seems to be only in it for the sex... Link to comment
Sim54 Posted August 31, 2011 Share Posted August 31, 2011 As a side note, it's my belief that men want things with value. They don't generally rate or chase after free stuff. If it's expensive, it has value, not everyone can have it, so they want it. When this applies to people, they want a high value woman. That value might just be appearances, but for the more deep man, it means a woman with high self esteem: literally, a woman who values herself. Playing hard to get doesn't come into it. Simply by having high standards on how you wish to be treated will actually spur a good man on to rise to the occasion and prove to himself that he is a high value guy who deserves and can get a high value woman. A woman who says yes all the time and is available all the time, and amenable to whatever the guy wants demonstrates low value and won't be chased. So, don't play hard to get, but do be clear with yourself about what you want, and then set that boundary and don't settle for less. Walk away if you don't get treated how you want to be, and you will soon find a good guy who will step up and make the call. I spend my life looking for a girl who is neither running away and being cold, or rushing at me saying 'yes yes yes!'. Someone in the middle, who holds her self, who is graceful and centred, neither running away, nor running towards. Now, that would be a rare find! Question is, am I that kind of guy? And there is the rub, we teach people how to treat us, by settling for less than we deserve. So, work out what you want, then go for it, and walk if he doesn't like it. He will either chase you and make the call, or will sink into oblivion. Win/win. Peace. Link to comment
Ariel85 Posted August 31, 2011 Share Posted August 31, 2011 He wasn't joking. Like jj said - he was testing you. I think now you have your confirmation that you're only a booty call to this guy, and that doesn't seem to be changing anytime soon. Also, from the sounds of it, he's still sleeping with other girls. Icky. Link to comment
DN Posted August 31, 2011 Share Posted August 31, 2011 I don't think you should have played along and then blamed him for the joke in the first place. Link to comment
MelodyH55 Posted August 31, 2011 Author Share Posted August 31, 2011 Again, thank you for all the great advice. I completely get what you are saying and have been trying to do that (last week I made plans with him one night during the week, we had dinner at his house, then I went home...much to his shock). I suppose the one good thing about this is that I can use this as a conversation starter "I don't want you to think I'm this way because I'm not, etc." I guess I just keep thinking (typical girl) that the more we mess around, the more we hang out and get to know each other, and maybe things progress from there. We have such an intense physical connection and it is fun just spending time with him. I made the mistake of putting this ultimatum on a guy before and cut things off before they could progress so I'm scared of doing the same thing. Link to comment
jjcool00 Posted August 31, 2011 Share Posted August 31, 2011 I guess I just keep thinking (typical girl) that the more we mess around, the more we hang out and get to know each other, and maybe things progress from there. Typical mistake both guys and girls make. You can't change anyone.. its up to that person to make a conscience decision to want to make this progress you yourself can't control that, takes both people. Maybe itll happen but it will have to be both of you agreeing to take things further but right now he's getting his cake and eating it to, so why would he want to? Link to comment
Ariel85 Posted August 31, 2011 Share Posted August 31, 2011 I guess I just keep thinking that the more we mess around, the more we hang out and get to know each other, and maybe things progress from there. Seems like the more you keep giving him stringless sex, the more you're going to get invitations to three-ways with other chicks. You're trying to put a very female trait - which is bonding through sex, onto him. He's a dude. He's not wired this way. More sex will just get you more sex, not emotion, and not a relationship. Link to comment
MelodyH55 Posted August 31, 2011 Author Share Posted August 31, 2011 Right...just when we have sex, we do other things before...after...therefore spending more time together that is actually quality time...besides just the sex. Link to comment
Ariel85 Posted August 31, 2011 Share Posted August 31, 2011 Right...just when we have sex, we do other things before...after...therefore spending more time together that is actually quality time...besides just the sex. Snap out of it, Mel! The guy just tried to get you into an orgy with a bunch of other chicks that he no doubt is also plowing. Meeting him at his house for a movie or hitting up a cafe for a bite before you boink isn't quality time. It's emotional bonding to you, but for him, he figures he wanted to see the movie anyway and had to eat dinner anyway. Sim54 had a very good post -that men won't chase things without value. You've totally devalued yourself in this situation with him, so why would he suddenly escalate you to GF or dating status? I think for him to try to orchestrate the 5-way was your blatant clue that he doesn't have much respect for you. I know you're trying to let him know that you're not that kind of girl, but he seems to think so anyway. Pay attention to that. Personally - I'd be heartbroken if a guy I liked thought I was so trashy that he could get me into an orgy situation with a bunch of other girls. Link to comment
MelodyH55 Posted August 31, 2011 Author Share Posted August 31, 2011 Yes, agreed. How to rectify this?? Link to comment
MelodyH55 Posted August 31, 2011 Author Share Posted August 31, 2011 I feel like yes, I was almost asking for this by behaving like I have been. Link to comment
Stay_home Posted August 31, 2011 Share Posted August 31, 2011 You need to ask yourself really what is it that you want. A relationship is something that you don't want to play hard to get if you're a genuine person and want to build something with someone, you don't do it by playing games. If you're honest with yourself, you'll spare yourself a lot of the extra headache. Link to comment
Ariel85 Posted September 1, 2011 Share Posted September 1, 2011 I feel like yes, I was almost asking for this by behaving like I have been. Well, I don't think you need to beat yourself over it. I would just realize that your hope isn't a realistic one (that booty calls can lead to romance and a guy getting attached), and then you learn from this and don't repeat the mistake. Then it wasn't an exercise in vain. At this point, I'd cut bait. I mean, do you want a BF who's (been) out and about having sex with multiple girls at a time? (not that there's anything wrong with it, but I wouldn't say he's currently relationship material). Link to comment
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