About my recent break-up and getting her back (advices needed!)

[Syphilis]

Hey there from Paris (forgive my bad english...)!

 

The community often got nice insights here regarding relationships issues, so I thought I could share what I'm going through and what's to do.

 

 

Our Story

 

I'm 27 and she's 26. We've been together for 4 years and a few months. I tried to dump her twice (last year and three months ago). Both times, it was because I felt she was not working hard enough to be successfull : we are both in the drawing / painting business and it asks a lot of commitment, but she's more an easy-going girl that does not like to "force" herself. She works on feelings and guts. I wanted her to wake up and those break-ups were more " fake ultimatums", since I could'nt really live without her...

During the se cond break-up phase, I had a rebound for two weeks that opened my eyes on my feelings I had towards her. We kind of got back together, and it was harsh for her.

 

 

The final break-up

 

About three weeks ago, she told me she did not want to see me anymore, and it had been in her mind for a few weeks before. She felt bad, unhappy in the relationship. She had a very low self esteem at that moment, and I was responsible for a big part of it. She said we were not compatible in our way to see life. She needed some space. She also mentioned my lack of atention (I work a lot) and that she could'nt stand to suffer anymore. In the meantime, she met a guy and started a reltionship with him.

 

 

About the rebound relationship

 

The dude has listened to her, and she felt they had the "same views" about life (easy-going way). They also share some "creative" interests. Generally speaking, she described him as very "different" from me. She also mentioned some "little things" that she's not too crazy about (sex was terrible, he's a bit jealous, and so on...) but she still wants to give it a shot and know him better.

He's a little reserved, whereas I'm more a talkative / outgoing person.

She also mentioned that she's not in love with him, and feels "tenderness" for him.

She told him she still has feelings for me, but still wanna know him better and see where it goes. She's still a bit jealous about me, and when they did have sex, she felt like she was cheating me.

 

 

My reactions following the break up

 

It's been three weeks now since she decided to break up and started her new relationship.

For the first two weeks, I went the emotional way : told her I love her and understood / apologized for the suffering I caused. She said there was nothing to do, but she'd like to keep in touch with me, regarding the strong connection we have. I was phoning her most of the time, several times a day, and oftenly talking to her phone machine.

This last week, as I red some books and found out about this forum, I decided to go NC. I wished her the best for her new relationship.

NC lasted until today, when I messaged her over Facebook to tell her I will block her facebook account, to make things easier for me. She answered me a few hours later telling me she understood, and wish I was fine.

 

 

What's to do?

 

Regarding the fact, that she's been used to live without me with the first break-ups, I'm a bit concerned about that NC thing. Moreover, since she left me due to my lack of atention, isn't NC gonna make her feel I don't care about her?

Should'nt I rather go LC?

When I was harrassing her over the phone during the first two weeks, it also kind of changed her mind. After a conversation of several hours, she told the reboundee she still felt feelings for me.

At the moment, I feel I should go NC / and maybe soft LC. We got so much to share and talk about, It's hard to resist to the urge of sharing and having a great convo with her, but it would be taking the "friends" road, which I'm not ready for at the moment.

 

 

What do you guys think?

[Mr Man]

As you know, relationships can be complicated. You obviously hurt her when you originally broke up with her... 3 times! My girlfriend just broke up with me at a whim and I can assure you it has tainted my trust in her irreversibly. I won't be taking her back, the damage is done. Everyone is different, but I can understand your ex just doesn't feel comfortable with you anymore. I'm not sure if it would be good 'game' (you shouldn't have to play any games if it's meant to be), but maybe you could thoroughly explain breaking up with her before was the biggest mistake you ever made and you swear it'll never happen again, if indeed that is the case. Even if she still doesn't feel like she can come back to you, it'll make her feel more confident when she's around you. if she said she feels like she's cheating on you when she sleeps with her new man, it's clear she hasn't let go. I think there's a possibility she just wants to be able to trust you properly and be confident you won't break up with her agian. Just out of interest, doesn't it taint the way you feel about her knowing she's slept with someone else?

 

I personally think it's just best to move on after a break up, it's painful, i know, but just accept it. I still love my ex, it's been just over 2 weeks since our breakup. We'll get through this mate! Just remember to keep everything in perspective. take care.

 

* EDIT: I'd suggest no contact. My ex still loves me to bits and misses me but it's just too painful. Maybe you could have a final conversation with her. Say what you need to say, apologise for any mistakes you made (including breaking up with her), explain your honest position with her and leave everything on a fresh note. You can't do anything more than explain your position. After that it's all down to her. If you can't be friends then don't be - tell her that. At least you tried and you'll have no regrets.

[Syphilis]

Hey Mr Man, thanks for your views.

 

I actually never thought of that "break up" thing as such trust breaker. That's something I'll need to keep in mind for further conversations with her (later, when water will have went under the bridge).

 

Regarding the fact than she slept with another man (and she's gonna keep doing so!), I do "understand" because I kinda lived a similar situation when I was with in my rebound relationship : the frustration from the relationship + the sadness from the break up, are powerful motors to help you being seduced by someone that has the qualities that you love did'nt have. But I make a clear separation beetwen "love" and "filling a void", even if both can lead to sex.

[Thorshammer]

"She needed some space. She also mentioned my lack of atention (I work a lot) and that she could'nt stand to suffer anymore."

 

She said she needs space, so why would you smother her with attention? Plus, working a lot means you work, she doesnt have to get all upset about it, especially since you said yourself shes not putting in effort to work herself. No disrespect, but if I am reading this right; she sounds like a spoiled brat, at least thats what I get from what you wrote. Some people like to test you, get into fits, or cry about things, when they dont get what they want; and really THEY are the problem, not you. They have this image of what they want, if they dont get it exactly like that, they get into a fit and want to leave if you dont make moves, yet we cant do that also because if we did... sheesh, we are enemy number one.

 

This post actually helped me out a bit. Its bringing back memories of when she would do things i couldnt stand, yet would make demands of me. This goes a long way into helping me forget about her naggy-censored-. So I thank you, even though you dont realize what you did, lol. Its the small things that help spark a memory to help us heal, take that small thing, and make it big, make it a mantra, make it bigger than the loss and the hurt and the fact about being lonely.

 

Anyways, sorry about going off-topic. Did you cheat on her? You said you had a rebound, was that immediately after the BU, or does she think you cheated and left her for these women? From what i read, it seems she cheated (sorry, i dont believe in a rebound after anything before 4 weeks, thats called emotional-cheating that leads to breaking up). Some women are used to not working and getting what they want (especially immature pretty girls), they dont get that... they start to becoming insecure, and it becomes a game to deal with them, it becomes a balancing act that gets really annoying to do.

 

I might have went off, I might have read inbetween the lines and interpreted everything wrong, since I see my ex somewhere in your story and i am letting off a bit of steam, lol.

 

Dont sacrifice you value as a man, dont be prepared to give up anything because she wants to walk. She has her issues too I am sure. She says she needs space, yet you think you werent there for her? Seems you both are confused.

 

And btw, you are named after an std.

[Syphilis]

I worked to the point of negelecting her (not spending quality time with her, basically), she actually likes the fact that I'm a devoted guy.

 

As for the space, I agree with you , at least for a few months. The problem is I know her : she won't make the first move, because she suffered too much, and I need a way to give her space but also show her I'm working on myself and growing up.

 

I did not cheat on her, but I had a rebound two weeks after we broke up (kind of the same as what she living right now).

 

I love my std name...!

 

Thx for your time and advices.

[Syphilis]

Update!

 

So, after those two emotional-phone-calling weeks, begging, asking why, suffocating her and so on, I sent two last texts basically saying :

 

"I will not call you anymore. I promiss. I love you".

 

"And I realize your decision was the right one for both of us. You're a marvelous person, don't forget it. I wish you the best to you and *her new BF's name*. Have a nice day."

 

Then I went NC for 1 week, during which she was following my work (I'am a painter) on Facebook. She "liked" some stuff and let a comment about fashions drawings. I answered her comment, saying "Thx my *her name*". After that week of NC, I sent her a message over Facebook telling her :

 

"Hello *gf's name*,

I blocked you. I really appreciate that you care about my work, and the comment you wrote, but it's easier for me to forget about you this way.

I hope everything's going well for you.

Have a nice day!"

 

Surprisingly, she answered right away (she used not to answer my mails or most of my phone calls before the NC period) :

 

"I understand. I hope everything is goind well for you too. Have a nice day."

 

Knowing her, that was very cold! She wants to keep the distance still, but she answered.

 

I went NC from there, and it's been a week now. I plan on going NC for a month, and keep working on myself, which I'm loving!

 

I just wonder if I should unblocked her on Facebook at some stage, so she can see me growing / improving. I also see it as a way to help us to connect, as it will be easier for her to initiate contact this way (she's kind of reserved, and has suffered a lot, so I don't see her picking up the phone out of the blue).

 

I was thinking doing this after four weeks of NC, once she'll start missing me. Then going very little LC with Facebook, letting her come and appreciate the changes in my life.

[Syphilis]

Hey all, time for a quick update! It's been a while now and I wanted to share a bit of my experience and what I leanrt so far, hoping it may be useful.

 

So a few days after my last post here, I started an analysis with a psychoanalyst (2 times a week). He clearly saw problems in me, and we started working on this (and we are still). It's a tough journey, but it has been marvelous so far : it's changing my life and the way I see relationships (family, friends and romance).

 

Basically, one of my big problems with my ex is that I was using her, not to be alone and feel loved. So we are working on this (among a lot of other stuff!) and it's pretty nice, since today I don't feel the urge to get into a relationship anymore, especially with her. I feel much more easy going and happy!

 

I focus on my life and my problems, and we did actually talk about a month ago, for hours, and she said it's had been a real pleasure for her. She also was able to express some of her anger and deception towards me, which was great and I felt happy about that.

 

What is said in other threads about LC / NC is dam right : it's not a strategy to get her back, it won't. It's just something that goes with the rest : working on yourself, and understanding why the relationship worked, and why it didn't.

 

The psychoanalyst also made me think about what love means : sharing our differences, on a mutual respect basis (basically). I understood that before starting a new relationship, I had to know myself better, so I'll be able to share what I really am, instead of "taking" and using the other.

 

It's been 5 months since I'm single now (longest time I was single before was 2 weeks!), and I feel great about it! Other people I meet too! They don't feel I'm needy like I used to be.

 

Take care all, and happy new year!