how to re-create interest in Ex?

[LN1987]

So as mentioned on here a few days ago I saw my ex on Friday. We are obviously still very attracted to one another (we kissed, held hands) but he seems in two minds. I want to be appealing to him more than just sexually, as that is what I fear. How do I make him remember the good times, not seem to pushy, and get him into being more committed. He is 22 and seems genuinely happy being alone, which is a worry. I do however believe that he loves me, or that there is love hiding somewhere under his guise...

 

Any advice from guys would be especially great, those even who have gone back to an ex gf they dumped.

 

TIA

[Nick Lansing]

I got back with an ex I had dumped, but only after she went hardcore NC on me. For weeks before that we still hung out, slept together now and then, etc., so of course I didn't miss her. Then she cut off contact completely -- no announcement or anything, just stopped calling or returning my calls. After about a month I realized I missed her and had taken her for granted. Finally she called me back and was cold. She had moved on. I begged her for another chance; she said no. She continued ignoring me and I was crushed. After another three months or so, with no contact at all, she finally emailed me and we id getback together.

 

Based on my experience, on both sides (I have other stories too), your best bet is to stay away from this guy. Don't be mean, don't try to make him jealous, but know that hugging him and all that won't make him miss you. He won't forget you. Right now, he has the best of both worlds: freedom, and you, waiting in the wings.

[gamergirl]

Whatever you do, don't be like me. I still haven't done NC with my ex boyfriend. He dumped me, wanted to stay friends, but it is always me who initiate contact with him. I've even slept with him a few times and he's kissed another girl. So right now, I feel like crap. He probably knows I'll be there waiting for him, and I know it. But it's like an addiction.

He acts so distant to me now, isn't interested in how I am, how's school going and stuff like that. He simply act indifferent to everything I say. But I still keep pushing and I know I have to stop if I ever want to get him back or move on.

 

It's been two months since he left me. We were together for 4,5 years, known each other for 6 years. I'm 22, he's 23.

 

Because of all this I'm seeing a therapist tomorrow to help me stop contacting him. I still love him with all my heart and want him back. But he seems happier without me, so I'm going to get help to move on. I realized yesterday that I can't keep torturing myself like this. I keep thinking: "But maybe this time he'll seem interested in me again, maybe this time..."

 

So go NC as fast as you can! Don't wait around for him... you are better than that.

[hausser]

As I told you L, try to keep it light hearted but if he doesn't respond go NC and then try again after a few weeks. If he still doesnt respond perhaps accept that temp at least, he may not be coming back.

[WeightOffChest]

Um, if you held hands and kissed, why can't you just keep flirting?

 

I mean, it's rough after having going through a breakup and then heartbroken by this guy. So I can see how you may be a little flustered and confused after seeing him again. It's tricky balancing out those old negative emotions with exciting, new feelings for your ex. In a way, having that negative mentality post breakup will give you a negative attitude when interacting with him. Things like, "Is he actually into me, or is he going to break my heart again?" or "Why is he so distant? Does he regret seeing me?" and "He's such a jerk for breaking up with me! I don't want to give him the satisfaction of being with me! But I miss him so much...." etc.

 

Just be the person you were before all of this. I mean, it got him the first time right? If you were flirty and cute before you two got together, then do that again. If you gave him a lot of attention, and that's how he opened up to you, do that again. You know him better than some random girl trying to hook up with him. You know his interests, his turn-ons, how he reacts, what he chases, etc. No need to ask a forum of strangers on how to attract someone you've attracted successfully in the past (and possibly in the present, as you're holding hands and kissing again).

 

Sometimes this message board becomes a crutch for us. The fact that the pain was so deep, that we often turn back into the darkness because that's what we've been most recently familiar with. Try to remember being happy before all of this sadness, and remember that you were awesome enough to attract someone to begin with. Take confidence in your own actions that you should be able to go after and get what you want.

 

But realize though, you shouldn't trick him into being with you again if he's happy being single. There's no real way to convince him that he'll be happier with you without manipulating him. Then what? He'll be in a relationship with you under the guise that things will be better, then the grass will get greener again. You can show him that you're an awesome, confident, sexy girl that won his heart in the first place, and the best thing that can happen to him is that you'll be in his life. But if he doesn't feel that way, no matter what you do will convince him of that. If he wants to get with you or he doesn't, it's going to be up to him anyway. So, you should just be confident, positive, and upbeat regardless of his reaction. That will naturally draw him to you.

[ForumGuy]

I got back with an ex I had dumped, but only after she went hardcore NC on me.

Did this one end up working out? Or did the old problems resurface?

[militaryman]

From a guy's point of view, I'd say definitely go NIC. Never call or msg him yourself, ever! If he contacts you, be nice but brief and say that you are busy. Make him see you with other guys. Trust me, as soon as you become unavailable to him, that will get his attention.

[Nick Lansing]

Did this one end up working out? Or did the old problems resurface?

 

We stayed together a year and a half after that. We eventually split b/c, more than anything else, I didn't want to get married (at least not yet) and she did. We had a lot of great times during the "second" relationship,but fought an awful lot too. Neither of us ever completely got over the pain of the breakup, and we both held resentments. And we definitely went too fast after we started seeing each other again.

 

But I consider it a successful reconciliation. I did correct a lot of mistakes I made the first time around, and I didn't take her for granted. I gave it my best shot. In the end, I determined that we probably wouldn't have a peaceful, happy marriage if we were to get married, so I never asked her. She asked me a couple of times though. You turn down a couple marriage proposals from the same person and... you're probably not gonna be together too much longer.

 

Interestingly, after we broke up the second time, I felt no depression or terrible sense of loss.

[Maverick1984]

If a person genuinely cares about you, regardless of the time apart you both spent, they will always find a way to reconnect with you again.

The worst thing about all of this is that it's not guaranteed because it's the only way to ever know if they care or not, and not all of them will. And if you have strong feelings from the start and they don't, then it's a nightmare to get over it.

It's taken me well over a year and still i feel some heartache, though not as much as last year. But i don't think it will ever go away.

 

So the best thing you can do whenever you enter a new relationship with someone is to give yourself three years before opening your heart completely, because doing so without really getting to know someone is a huge gamble. And it takes a while to find out what people's true intentions are.

 

Be casual about the whole thing... I would say to not contact and wait and see... Put yourself in the power position and make up your own rules. As an example. You can give them 1 year to get back in touch with you. If they don't then it will confirm that they never did really care about you as much as you thought they did. This should give you the strength and confidence to move on knowing that you saved yourself tonnes of heartache and energy trying to contact and convince them into getting back together with you.

[triangles]

Because of all this I'm seeing a therapist tomorrow to help me stop contacting him. I still love him with all my heart and want him back. But he seems happier without me, so I'm going to get help to move on. I realized yesterday that I can't keep torturing myself like this. I keep thinking: "But maybe this time he'll seem interested in me again, maybe this time..."

 

So go NC as fast as you can! Don't wait around for him... you are better than that.

 

Kudos to you for seeking help to get through an incredibly difficult experience. I really admire that. We would all be so much better off if everyone did this instead of non-stop chasing that just lowers your value every time you do it.

 

Good luck!

[happymeboy]

Dont pick up calls,dont reply to txts ...wait days to call back or sms back. Play hard to get and NEVER initiate any contact. This is the only way you will get back your man. We guys dont like the easy catch unless we are too lazy to hunt. Dont go out of your way to meet him.He will eventually come back !!

[LN1987]

Ok thanks guys. So I was the one to initiate the last contact, and yes it brought up a lot of feelings. Would you all suggest just going cold turkey from here? After we caught up there were 2 messages sent from me (with him replying) on the sat and sunday but thats it.

 

Do I say anything else from here or just nothing? What is most effective if im feeling the way I am (confused as hell...) He genuinely seemed rather confused as well and kept going on about how nice it was to see me etc, but that he was worried we would progress to more....

 

If it was Friday and I haven't heard anything from him off his own bat is that a bad sign?

[militaryman]

Ok thanks guys. So I was the one to initiate the last contact, and yes it brought up a lot of feelings. Would you all suggest just going cold turkey from here? After we caught up there were 2 messages sent from me (with him replying) on the sat and sunday but thats it.

 

Do I say anything else from here or just nothing? What is most effective if im feeling the way I am (confused as hell...) He genuinely seemed rather confused as well and kept going on about how nice it was to see me etc, but that he was worried we would progress to more....

 

If it was Friday and I haven't heard anything from him off his own bat is that a bad sign?

 

I'll say it again, if you want him to WANT YOU, then play hard to get. Especially after giving him so much attention, it will drive him crazy thinking about why you are cold to him all of the sudden. Just don't give in. Play hard to get for a couple of weeks and you will see that he will start making moves toward you. I almost guarantee it!

 

Just as an example of how human psychology works, there was this girl I asked out a few weeks back who added me on facebook herself. She is pretty good looking and seems to be very popular too. I decided to ask her out and see where that goes (I am still getting over my ex). After the date, and even though we had fun, I realized that I don't really want to be with her. I liked her and I would gladly sleep with her, but she was a nice girl and only looking for something very serious. Plus she was nothing compared to my ex (both looks wise and personality wise) and I don't want to take any steps back, only forward.

 

Anyway, me and her agreed that we would be meeting again, but I knew at the time that it probably was not going to happen. She messaged me that day that it was really nice meeting me blah blah blah and I responded in a cold way. A few days later I decide to write her (I was just bored) and she didn't respond. I didn't really care that much. A few more days later there was an album full of pics from a recent party on facebook and this girl seemed to be getting lots of attention from other guys, most of which are my buddies. All of the sudden I got this big urge to ask her out. Even though I didn't really like her THAT much (to have a serious relationship with her), just by seeing her wanted by all these other guys plus the fact that she didn't respond to my message automatically increased her value in my eyes. It wasn't even a choice. Right there and then I called her up and set up a meeting. It was more of a spontaneous decision but it made me realize just how powerful the basic laws of human psychology are.

 

Anyway, the point I wanted to make with this story is that if you want him to make up his mind faster, then be around other guys and stop initiating contact with him. I promise you that it will have an effect on him. If you keep assuring him of your interest and love, then it won't push him towards you. Hope this helps!

[Vaglar]

Hmm I'm a bit skeptical because it seems you haven't really moved on from the relationship. You're still very emotionally invested so you're scared of losing him for good if you screw up, so you're playing games now. Ideally you should be in a situation where you don't really care whether he comes back or not because you'd be happy and busy with your life. I've been in your position and I tried to reconnect 2 months after the BU with my ex. The first dates went well, I stayed in control, but I soon became desperate which pushed her away.

 

The only thing I can advise is to play it very cool, keep yourself busy, meet friends, but DO NOT wait on the clock for him to contact you, or you'll go crazy and do very stupid mistakes. Live your life for you, not for him. To increase attraction, become the person he fell in love with - think about how you were before you started going out with him as you probably changed in a bad away over the years.

 

Good luck and stay strong no matter what.

[LN1987]

Thanks Vaglar. I was really hurt by the BU and reacted very badly. I guess seeing him was hard b/c he says things but words are just words right? If he wanted me back... He would act on it out of his own free will? He doesn't seem to be doing that so I guess I walk away once again... trying to hold my head as high as I can

[Maverick1984]

I can guarantee that these tactics will not work on a guy who is clued about about the whole 'game' thing.

One girl tried doing that with me recently while she was in Poland for 3 weeks. Told me she met someone who loves her and doesn't know how to feel and then preceeded to tell me that she doesn't want anything serious to happen between us - Basically, trying to lure me into a relationship by making it unattainable.

When i told her i wasn't getting involved because of the other guy and demonstrating how unaffected i was. She then tried to find reasons to end it by coming up with faults as to how i was like as a desperate means to try and get me to justify a reason to keep things going.

 

I saw it for what it was and then promptly ended it. Gave my goodbyes and deleted her off my Facebook.

 

I don't know if it's down to age or maturity, but i find stuff like this childish and dishonest. It's far better to always be transparent and honest with the person you're with.

[gamergirl]

Kudos to you for seeking help to get through an incredibly difficult experience. I really admire that. We would all be so much better off if everyone did this instead of non-stop chasing that just lowers your value every time you do it.

 

Good luck!

 

I just wanted to say thank you for your kind words! I'm going there soon and have my hopes things will work out for the best.

[LN1987]

but maverick if there was love there once then it is more than a game right?..

 

im not here to play the game, i think that * * * * is disgusting and somewhat pathetic.

[mhowe]

It shouldn't be about game playing, but you do need to let him make contact....and from reading this thread, he seems confused and worried about your response to hand holding and kissing....like you will think the relationship is back on. It is not.

 

Pretend this is a new guy you just started dating. Take it that slow.

[Nick Lansing]

Yeah, not initiating contact isn't game-playing. Nor is taking your time responding. It's recognizing your vulnerability and being prudent.

[jeepman41]

I don't think it's about game playing as much as it is showing the other person that you have value and you have personal boundaries. You have to demonstrate to them that you can be a happy and well adjusted person with or without them.

[hausser]

I don't actually agree with NC in this instance because her ex was the one who asked to meet up last time she initiated contact. Better to be meeting up and rebuilding the bridges than waiting for a text that never comes. If he doesn't resond favourably next time, then you know to hit NC.

 

If he'd been an a hole last time then fair enough but he wasn't apparently though did say he didn't want to recon, but words are cheap it's actions that matter.

 

EDIT - Unless of course he was/is just trying to use you for sex, in which case your better off without him anyway.

[LN1987]

 

EDIT - Unless of course he was/is just trying to use you for sex, in which case your better off without him anyway.

 

Well you see every other time we met up when we first broke up, this is what happened. He would real off the 'love you' 'miss you' we would sleep together then he would throw me away like a piece of dirt. I feel like my confidence and self-respect and pride is almost back to where it was when we first met (ok I have a wee bit more to go). I was hoping this time was different though his physical attraction to me was very apparent. I was hoping it was more than just 'ahem' physical, but maybe I'm reading it wrong...

[hausser]

Ahhhhh that changes everything then LN, forget what I said about initiating contact you need to guard yourself from that type of manipulation in your vunerable emotional state.

 

You know deep down if he was trying to get laid, and his lack of following up after Friday would probably point towards it I'm sorry to say. You could still test the waters, but the first sign he tries anything OVER intimate, just cut it short, make your excuses and go.

 

If you decide to go NC rest assured there are plenty of us here who have been in love as you and have been broken up with, honestly it's tough but we'll get you through it.

[LN1987]

It is only Wednesday though... And we had contact on Sunday (Again I had texted him regarding photos he had asked for which I finally sent) So it is not that long right? Only 3 days... Or do you think if he was genuine he would have contacted by now?

 

I am very attracted to him too, so the sex stuff does annoy me. Obviously i would love to sleep with him but if he does not want more then it will be a disaster.