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Is it normal to push one's closest loved one away while grieving?


Miri
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Thank you everyone for all your stories, now I know this sort of thing happens and I'm not the only one dealing with it.

 

My boyfriend and I were together for two and a half years. The relationship was great-- we were very happy, totally right for each other, and everyone could see it. We would talk about marriage (in the future) and it seemed to be a given that we would eventually get there and there was no one else either of us could see ourselves with.

 

A few days before our 1st anniversary, my boyfriend's dad fell ill. They were very close, always together, and although he has 4 other siblings, he was the only one taking care of his dad. The illness progressed over the course of 1.5 years and he watched his father get sicker and weaker every day, being rushed to the hospital almost every week, and finally ended up on life support. His father finally passed while he was there, right before new year's eve.

 

I was with him thru all of this, visiting his dad at the hospital (which he appreciated very much), becoming very close to the rest of the family, so much so that they have all been 'pressuring' him to get married already. Many of our friends also ask him the same question, to which he would reply that it would just happen in time.

 

It's been 4 months since his dad passed away and everything seemed normal-- he was sweet and loving as ever, was busy with work, and so on. Suddenly one night I had asked him if he's thought about settling down already because I need to make certain decisions about work which would be affected by that development. He kept apologizing saying he doesn't feel ready, he doesn't know when or if he ever will be, and he's just so confused right now. This came as a big surprise to me because everything seemed to be going so well. I reacted very emotionally, and the next day he sent me a message asking for some time away to straighten himself out because it would be unfair for me if things went on this way. We talked and he reassured me he just needs a month to think and that I shouldn't think of it as a breakup or that it wouldn't work out, because he was doing this for us. So after a lot of crying I eventually agreed.

 

Three weeks passed, no 'formal' communication--just a little activity on social media-- and I sent him an email saying I now understand why he needed the space and that I think it was a mature thing for him to do. I told him I was hurt and it felt scary but I know my heart would be safe with him. The next day he called me saying he missed me and that he was sick...everything sounded normal and I thought he would be back. That night, he called again, but then he said that after the 3 weeks he still felt he needs to be left alone. I tried to reason with him, I even got upset, but he seemed to be in a downward spiral saying things like he could not reciprocate all the things I did for him and that he's not even worth fighting for, that he's a bad person and that he did not want to drag me down with him when I have such a promising career. He said he wants to make a 'sacrifice' of letting me go for my own good, and that nothing I could say would change his mind. I mentioned his dad and it was like a dam broke, he was sobbing and gasping for air and said he misses him so much and just wants to be alone.

 

I was hurt and confused and I have no idea how to move one when everything was fine one day and suddenly this. Please help. What should I do? I am planning to let him go and not communicate with him but I can't let go of the hope that he'll come around someday soon. He tearfully called my friends asking them to take care of me and that he hopes this is a temporary thing but he doesn't want me to hang around and wait for him. I'm just so sad and lost. Any suggestions?

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Everything was not fine one day and then BAM. His grief was masked and bottled up and he was barely making it through the day. Your conerns about decisions regarding your future was the straw that broke the camels back. He was and is incapable of figuring out his future right now because he is still grieving the loss of his father.

 

How long this grieving will last is inknown. So it is best for you to accept the break up and move on with your life. Sadly...the death of a loved one has ended many relationships.

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I just got the notifications about another post on this thread so I thought I would write an update to my story.

 

So as I wrote previously, my then-boyfriend basically cut off contact from me for two months. Wouldn't answer emails, texts, etc. Finally I steeled myself to go over there. I was ready for anger, contempt, iciness, for him to throw me out, for there to be another woman there--but his behavior was even more bizarre than that. He acted like there was nothing weird about not seeing me for two months or avoiding me. He even said "Oh, I'm glad you stopped by. I was meaning to call you."

 

As you can imagine my feelings were like ??? But I was on a fact-finding mission, so I stayed calm, and tried to find out what was going on. He insisted he was fine, and that he just didn't want to deal with our relationship issues while he was dealing with his mom's illness. I gently tried to show him that what he was doing was really cruel (remember, I had flat out asked him in a voicemail if he wanted to break up, I would be fine with it, but just to TELL ME), that I had lost 14 pounds in two months, could barely sleep, practically had a nervous breakdown, etc. But he couldn't seem to hear it. The only time he showed any real emotion was when I said something about how my friends weren't so thrilled with him, and he got defensive. That's when I knew he knew he was acting badly, but he didn't want to face it. Anyway I left after about an hour or two and just sat in my car for several minutes, literally just stunned.

 

Then about a week after that he texted me and it was like a 180 degree turn. He owed me a big apology, he had shut me out and that wasn't right, he would understand if I didn't want to talk, but he wanted to, blah blah. We set a date to go to dinner. On said date he said he was sick and wanted to reschedule. Finally we talked on the phone for about an hour. He sounded genuinely contrite, didn't really understand what had happened, he was numb, etc. I still didn't understand either but I said I knew he didn't mean to be cruel, and he started to cry and said no, he didn't. I said it didn't sound like he could be in a relationship right now but he said he wanted to continue to talk, which I saw as a good sign. He said "I'll call you next week." This was at the beginning of December.

 

Well, he didn't call or communicate in any way. Not on Thanksgiving, not on Christmas, not on my birthday in January. (I decided for my sanity not to try to contact him at all, and I was of course hoping he would miss me.) Finally in March he texted to say he had lost his keys and could he get his spare set from me? I wanted my keys back from him, so I said OK. He came over and again I tried to be gentle with him, although of course I had been angry and despairing and sad, so many emotions over those months. Again he acted like everything was normal. Finally I asked if this meant we were over. (I know it was obvious, but I wanted him to say it.) Finally his demeanor became a little sad, and he said he didn't know, he had to figure his life out, etc etc. Meanwhile he's still calling me "honey" and all that. He said he would "try to do better" and keeping in touch.

 

Now three months go by. He called last week. I had deleted him from my contacts, so I didn't pick up. Left a message, again sounding normal asking me to call him like it's No Big Deal, and says "I'll talk to you soon," like he's so sure I'm going to say "how high" when he tells me to jump. I don't call back, figuring if he wants to talk he can try harder. He messages me on Facebook to tell me his mother had passed away three weeks previously, that she hadn't suffered for long at the end, luckily. In the same message he says "I know we have some things to discuss if you care to. I know I retreated from us, and I don't know exactly how to explain, but I hope you can forgive me, at least a little bit. But I at least wanted to let you know about my mom."

 

I had so many emotions reading this, but overall I was INFURIATED. First of all, this guy cuts off contact not just with him but with his mom, who I cared for very much. I basically had to force myself to care less about him and the whole situation so that I would not go insane. He doesn't really apologize or show any interest AT ALL in what I suffered as a result of his actions--it's almost as if he thinks I have been in stasis this whole time, only existing when he decides he needs me. This is also incredibly manipulative. Anyone would feel compassion for someone whose mother has died, but as he knows, my mother died when I was a teenager and it was horribly traumatic. So he KNOWS that I would have a huge amount of empathy for him, and he's piggybacking on that to ask for forgiveness.

 

I don't believe in "earning" forgiveness, but on the other hand he doesn't really want forgiveness--he is just feeling bad about what he did, feeling bad about losing his mom, and wants to feel better. In the past I would have fallen for this trick, but not this time.

 

I really wanted to tell him exactly what I thought about his plea for forgiveness, but ultimately I didn't think it was the right time. I don't believe in kicking a man when he's down, and as a friend pointed out, he probably wouldn't be able to accept or even understand what I was saying right now. But I also didn't want to continue this codependent cycle. As the same friend said, "He has to see that his actions have consequences."

 

Now I don't believe my ex is a full-on sociopath. He does have narcissistic tendencies. My theory is he is a very sensitive person, and something happened when he was young that he built these selfish defense mechanisms. His dad is an old-school, no emotions type, so I think that might have something to do with it. I think he is actually very insecure and has a huge ego to mask it. Basically his sense of self is built on a very rickety foundation.

 

I ended up just saying that I was very sorry to hear about her passing of course, that I was glad she didn't have to suffer for an extended period, and that I knew it was a tough time for his family and he had my condolences. I decided not to respond to the forgiveness issue. Obviously I don't control how he chooses to deal with his emotions. I am hoping, for his sake and not just mine, that by removing myself from the situation, he is forced to do some emotional growth, as I have had to do over the last nine months. But that's out of my control.

 

In the end I had to choose to protect myself. It's not easy. I'm still second-guessing myself--maybe I shoudl have been nicer, or said I would be willing to talk in a couple months. But then I knew I would be waiting to hear from him, and I need to continue to move on, as I had been. If he continues to contact me with no evidence of willingness to take responsibility for his actions, I will have to ask him to stop contacting me.

 

Whew! Well if you've gotten this far, thank you for letting me rant.

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  • 1 month later...
  • 6 months later...

I'm glad and sorry to know I'm not the only one.

 

My boyfriend of 14 years recently lost his grandfather. Then within 2 weeks his cat died and he had to put down his dog of 15 years.

 

We were together for 14 years and lived together for the past 2 years.

 

The week he found out his grandfather was ill, my boyfriend completely changed. He was distant and cold. He told me he felt no emotions. He was numb and he no longer had feelings for me. He wanted to move out and move back in with his mom. He felt nothing for me. As we talked he was like a stranger. Not at all the person I knew and loved for 14 years.

 

That past year we had some arguments. But we would talk about them. Nothing major enough to end things.

 

He said he needed space and wanted no contact with me. Its hard to understand and accept how you can see and talk to someone everyday for 14 years then one day just want to stop all contact.

 

He was so cold. He said he didn't love me anymore and had no feelings for me and didn't care about me or anything anymore.

 

He needed time and space without me to see if he would miss me.

 

But he also said that maybe one day he could love me again but right now he doesn't feel anything.

 

It's hard. This person has been a big part of my life for years and one day he's just gone.

 

At first he just needed a break. So he just packed a bag of clothes and left. We had no contact for a week. Then we texted that he wanted to meet. We met and that's when he ended things.

 

He said that past week we didn't talk, I didn't even think about you or miss you so it's better to end things now instead of stringing me along not knowing if his feelings will return or not.

 

I believe it was just a Snowball effect. A combination of his grandfather passing then his cat then dog plus our petty disagreements the past couple of months before all this.

 

I don't know what to do. For those 14 years he was nothing but the nicest, Sweetest guy. He treated me great. But now he acts so cold and mean to me. I don't even know who this person is.

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  • 1 month later...
Reading all this threads are making me feel like I am not the only one out there suffering from my partners griefing process. Thankyou all for sharing.

My partner lost his father 11 months ago the day before New Year's Eve and I stood by him and his family I was there through it all I loved his father he was such a special and strong man and his strength was shown through out his fight with cancer.

At the time of his death of course it was emotional and over whelming and sad. And we all suffered and all grieved for sometime my partner was a complete mess and a few weeks after I needed to put my grief aside and look after him my natural instincts where to protect nurture listen love and not to push him give him his own space. He turned to substance abuse and spent majority of his time in his shed causing me to worry and I new he was suffering and it was only getting worse but I was afraid to speak up I turned to his family and to my friends and family and I was comforted by then saying just let him go but I no longer could I could see him fading away this behaviour improved 3 months ago he no longer sits in his shed but his anger, moods, laziness, and turbulent behaviour is pushing me away I feel he is acting this way so I leave him argument after argument accrue and i just let it slide an think it will get better. But I'm at the stage where I dont think it will. I can no longer talk to him about anything I'm afraid what ever I say will turn into a argument I'm walking on egg shells each day and feel my depression is coming back after I have worked so hard at dealing with it. I have made numerous appointments for him at a counsellor with his agreement after a argument and wanting there help but once the time comes to go to the appointment he finds a excuse not to go. He does not come home some days until early hours of the morning, I cook dinner each night and he does not return I run his house or him and take all the pressure of him but its coming back to bite me. I want to be here for him I love him so much but what ever I do or try to do is wrong in his eyes he has turned into a selfish man a man he never was a man that worries me all I want is for his old self to come back something I know his father would want.

Last night a argument occurred and for once I argued back and let out my feelings and how confused I am it was a argument I never want to experience again my partner broke down for the fist time in just under 11months I felt so horrible he was mentioning about wanting to end his life a number of times. (Not to mention our mate did this 3 months ago and we were there so it adds to both of your stresses and grief) he says he will change and try hard to deal with his emotions and grieving I just hope not does. What am I ment to do? It's so heartbreaking to see ur loved one change and push them self away it's so scary and horrible. My min each day is mumbled I would hate to know how his brain is feeling. I personally can't think straight I just hope I am on the right track and hoping for some advice or reassurance from someone my family and his family are no longer a option to use as when he finds out I have seen them I get abused for seeing them even when he doesn't know I have been relying on them for support I have no one to talk to maybe it's best I do leave for awhile so he can come to terms with reality...get him self back on track find a job and get his routine back??? I apologies for all of this confusing and ranting

 

The same thing literally happened to me when my boyfriend last his dad december 14th 2015. His grieve is fairly fresh but we had this emotional great relationship we did everything with eachother we were a power couple everyone thinks we go together but then our relationship hit a rock bottem i mean we fought before his dad had cancer but we are now fighting more everyday. Mainly its because im a very needy girlfriend not needy as in get me this i can get anything a man can get me more like im clingy. He loves that. But it seems his emotions are directed else where now.

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Hi Everyone,

 

I haven't read all the previous posts, only the first four pages.

 

I'm going through something similar dealing with grief. However, I'm writing from the perspective of someone who's experiencing it, not the one watching a partner go through it.

 

I lost my grandmother two months ago. Though she had been sick for several months now, her death was sudden and unexpected. My grandmother was the person whom I was closest to, family-wise. She may as well have been my mother. I feel so lost and confused without her. She was the one person who truly made me believe she loved me for who I am, flaws and all.

 

Anyway, I digress. My current boyfriend was with me when she died, and he stayed for a few days afterwords, until we'd gone through the funeral and burial. We'd been together a couple months at that time, but I've known him for nearly eight years, and he is one of my best friends. He went home right after the funeral due to a move he couldn't put off.

 

When we said goodbye, I apologized in advance for how hard these next months might be for us. I knew at that time I wasn't going to be myself for a long time to come. I told him to not avoid the subject of grief with me, that he could talk to me about my grandmother and that this would help me cope with her death. I also told him that as I was returning to college, it would be likely that I wouldn't contact him as much, owing to being busy with homework and the like. I would need him to be more proactive in getting in contact with me, as we live a number of hours away from each other and wouldn't be able to see each other very often, and the grief combined with the energy of going back to school would very likely take a toll on me emotionally and mentally.

 

Nearly two months after all this, things don't look well from my point of view. He says I shut him out during the first couple weeks after he left, that I would only talk about my grief with other people, some that I hadn't spoken to until they heard about my loss. I honestly don't remember doing so, but I don't believe he's wrong. I tend to withdraw into myself when I'm depressed. I've apologized, and asked him to please continue to try to help me. But I don't feel like he's supporting me. He texts me every couple of days, but mainly sticks to surface chatter. He doesn't ask how I'm doing with reference to my grief. If I bring up anything about my loss, all he says is he's sorry and doesn't know what to say to comfort me. He says he's been through grief of losing family members himself, but he won't give me many details when I ask to talk about it. I think hearing about his own grief would help me feel closer to him. But this hasn't worked either. He's asked me many times how he can help me, but the only thing I've been able to come up with is that him visiting might help me. But he's hundreds of miles away from me and hasn't been able to travel due to his own work commitments. I desperately want to continue being with him because I still love him, but every day I feel more and more alone. I feel as if with that first time I blocked him out, he withdrew and decided to just stay at a distance from me.

 

I'll be seeing him in a few weeks, and I can't help but be scared. Although I want to continue being with him, I feel no romantic feelings for him. Really, I don't feel much of anything emotional right now. It's as if the grief enveloped me in a numbing fog that won't let me get access to any emotions beyond sadness, anger, and loneliness.

 

I'm sorry for rambling so much. I'm just scared and confused and looking for some answer anywhere. I don't want to lose who I have, but I don't know that I have the energy to continue being the proactive communicative person in this relationship, when I'm the one who's hurting. And I'm sorry if this sounds selfish. I just don't know what else to do.

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I lost my mum 4.5 months ago. It's been a roller coaster of emotions from needing people all around me while we were all in abit of shock, disbelief and just extreme sadness. The sadness has moved to really deep inside this deep sadness that I'm sure will never go away but hoping in a way i can learn to live with it easier. I'm finding at this point in time I'm torn between wanting to remember my mum in every way and wanting to forget as to not feel pain and not to keep reliving o my head that she's really really gone.

 

My partner is pissing me off more and more. I feel he just doesn't understand what I'm going through. I'll admit that yeh I'm probably abit confusing as I'm happy one min, shut off the next but he isn't helping things at all when he bugs on me about feeling unloved by me lately and moping around bcos I haven't given him any sex for 2 weeks. 2 weeks! Like give me a break man. I really try to give to him when I'm feeling good but I'm just so numb at the moment it's the last thing I want. Thoughts of me leaving are becoming more regular but as we have 3 small children I really need to wrk out in my head if this is really the best thing for us. Am I being irrational. Our relationship has never been perfect and I have a lot of issues from his past mistakes and selfishness that I do have a good reason to be questioning as I'm just not sure we if he is the right one for me. I crave to feel connected and although he's always done the right thing by me he's never been a great communicater and him making me upset and causing fights becos he needs me to keep explaining to him is driving me up the wall. I will literally stop talking altogether soon if he keeps this up

 

I'm just so confused, I just want to take off anywhere.. Somewhere...

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Hi I have no idea how to use this site sorry. But Miri I am going through the exact same thing!! Can we talk?

 

 

 

 

Sorry for the slow response. When I saw him after six months, I just tried to be friendly and civil but he was really tense and agitated. It was really awful to see him act so oddly toward me, like I was a stranger. His apartment had been my home for the last 8 months. I asked him very gently if there was anything he wanted to say and he kind of said no. But then he just said he was sorry for the way things ended. I asked why he was behaving like this - why we weren't friends or seemingly even on speaking terms - even though there had been nothing wrong between us. He couldn't really explain it except to say that he couldn't deal with any emotional obligations. I think he was pretty unfair about some things he said, even paranoid. Like he claimed he was disturbed because he'd heard a rumor that I was going to move into his neighborhood when I had never planned any such thing. It was very strange. I think he was on meds (he had been before we started dating, as well) so that may have had a factor.

 

That was eight months ago and I still have not really heard from him since. He hasn't ever contacted me or asked how I've been. I still feel like it is really messed up. I can understand putting some things on hold when grieving, but not just completely cutting someone out of your life who was close to you and who clearly cared about you. I see signs of him resuming a normal life, having a good time, seeing his friends, as if everything is totally normal again. But maybe that is just on the surface. I don't know.

 

I still don't feel all right. I don't know if I ever will stop feeling pain over this. I find it hard to accept that someone who supposedly loved me could just so completely cut me out of his life so suddenly and not feel remorse. We were very happy and I know we shared some really great times together. Could those memories just mean nothing to him at all? I feel like he has gotten over, or perhaps blocked out his grief but I'm the one who is still grieving for losing him. And that is incredibly unfair. If he could at least reach out and show some sign that he cared - even if he could only be a distant friend - it would help, but he just acts like I never existed. I deserved better.

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I think this is right, sorry don't know how to use the site.

 

But to the people who went through the grief and pushed your partners away, was there ever a chance of getting back together? Did you want them to forget and move on or did you want them to not give up on you?

 

My partner has been a really really horrid nasty person. But I love him so much, I can't let go of what he had before his stepdad comitted suicide. Should I give up on him? Or not?

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Please can you message me ???

 

 

 

QUOTE=lowest point;5481206]I don’t know how I found this place, maybe it just found me? But I have read through every post in this thread and it hits home hard what has happened to me.

 

Today would have been my mum’s birthday. She was diagnosed with breast cancer almost a year ago, suddenly my world crumbled and I was scared of losing her but I thought that she would get better, after a month in hospital she was released for enough time to enjoy her last Christmas. In January she was moved to a hospice and lost her battle so suddenly.

 

My girlfriend stood by me the whole time, she was close to my mum and she helped me through.

 

The funeral was in February and I felt myself changing and my focus was not on my relationship anymore. In March I took my girlfriend on holiday to try to escape from my feelings and as soon as we arrived back I got ill and developed psoriasis on my body.

 

I had alot to come to terms with, I felt physically ugly, needy and not worthy of my girlfriend. I lost focus on the relationship and I thought that she would do better without me as I was now a broken man and not the person that she met.

 

I ended it about a month later and my only thought was “if you love somebody set them free – if they come back then it is yours forever” – I prayed that she would come back.

 

I bought a house and I moved out of her flat where I was living and I concentrated on myself – It was almost like I was an island and I built a wall around me and pushed everyone away who reminded me of old times, including my dad who I stopped speaking to. I felt that I didn’t deserve them. I concentrated on my work and renovating the house but the entire time in my mind I was renovating the house as a family home for my girlfriend and her daughter and my sons – the children were from previous relationships.

 

I didn’t hear from her, the months passed and I got better, the psoriasis cleared and I spent time in the gym and slowly started feeling my old self again and I was ready to tell her. Two weeks ago I tried to call – but she had changed her number.

 

So I sent an email trying to explain - and there was no reply.

 

I panicked and sent some flowers with a note asking her to call me. She did call in tears saying that her boyfriend had seen the flowers and it had caused rows.

 

She then sent a text saying that she couldn’t believe it had taken me so long to realise what she meant to me and that she was in a strong relationship now.

 

I sent another email a few days later to apologise for sending the flowers but my only regret was not sending them sooner I also told her that it hurts that she is not speaking to me after what we went through. But now she won’t reply.

 

I just want her to know that she is the most important person in the world to me and that I never stopped loving her or thinking of her for one single second. But now she will never know it.

 

I want her to know that there is a home here for her and her daughter and I want to have a family with her and make the commitment that she wanted me to before – we regularly looked at rings. But now she will never know it.

 

If I had a time machine I would jump into it right now. I am trying to explain this from the side of someone who ended their relationship after losing a parent, and no other reason, but to be honest I still can’t explain what happened – I now know that I was depressed and I guess it’s an instinct to push people away when you are ill.

 

I’m not going to defend anyone’s actions, least of all mine,- but it is slightly different when someone ends a healthy relationship to grieve – There was no grass is greener and nobody else involved.

 

I am writing this so it is here forever, maybe one day she will find this place or maybe it will find her?

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  • 2 weeks later...

This just happened to me and I'd like to tell my story. I met this wonderful girl, and we had fun, so much fun. We went to concerts and ate out and looked similar things, but the thing about her is she made me feel like a million dollars. She made me feel like Superman, and she knew I adored her. Then her best friend died. The next three days she called out of work and I just happened to have off, so as soon as we heard the tragic news, we were off to deal with it.

 

Those three days she relied heavily on me, like I would think a spouse would when they are in such pain. But then Sunday came and I had to work all day. After that Sunday, everything changed. She didn't text to just check in or say Hi which is completely uncommon, I tried so very hard not to let the growing stuff like that bother me, but I could feel her slipping away.

 

She was indifferent about my touch, presence, and anything I did. I'm Spanish and get jealous easy, so believe me I tried so hard to just let her run her grief coarse, but not having my love reciprocated was bothering me. I told her, I know your going through a lot and I don't want to be some burden to you now, but please reach out to me everyone once and a while. I worry and that I was there to help her. She agreed but the distance was still there. I was trying to deal with it and just be a good boy friend because our relationship was worth it. But last night she just broke up with me. I cried, she cried but she was not changing her mind. Not even her friends who lived with her knew she was going to do that. I'm so lost, a little relieved to see it seems to be a frequent occurrence, but the fact that none of these stories end back together disheartens me. She was the love of my life and she just pushed me away and I'd give anything to get her back.

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It's been over a year for me and I can't even fathom the idea of being in a relationship right now (I dated at first as a distraction and quickly realized I wanted to be alone). This is nothing you did, and not even about you.

Sometimes they will come around after they have healed, sometimes not.

 

Just know it is nothing you did and everything to do with the grief process.

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  • 2 weeks later...

My boyfriend and I were together for 3 years and it hasn't been the perfect relationship. We had many many ups and downs and I even broke up with him, moved away and quickly realized I had made a huge mistake and was lucky enough that he took me back and I moved back in with him a few months later. After I moved back in, we greatly improved our relationship with regard to communication, respect, intimacy, etc. Our break up really opened up our eyes to what we had done wrong and right and were both commited to making this right and forever. Eventually things slowly went back to the way they were and actually were getting worse. I felt closer and closer to the idea of knowing I want to live a happier life and coming to terms that I may never have that with him if he wasn't ready for it.

 

Then a bomb was dropped on us. His father unexpectedly passed away and I tried to be there for him and I have huge regrets that for my own stupid selfish reasons, I couldnt feel comfortable with giving him all the support he needed. I was tired because I had been giving and giving and giving and not getting that back in return over the past few months. Oh how I regret this now. He resumed to acting very cold towards me, never being home spending time with me which I longed for. The family spent a week together at his moms house and the next week, my boyfriend went back to his mom's to spend another week with her. While he was there, he decided he could no longer be in a relatio ship. This is now two weeks after his father's passing, whom he had a very close relationship with and really looked up to. Two days after he returned home fron his week away, he broke up with me. He explained that since this happened, he has changed. He is not the same person he used to be. He can't give me what I need and he feels nothing. He will be moving in with his mom to help her out and be there for her. He said he couldn't be with me now or be in any relationship because he is broken and empty and has a huge hole inside him that can't be filled.

My first reaction was understanding and admiration because he is doing something that he needs to do for himself and acknowledge and deal with what he is going through. This can only lead him to more self-awareness which is really great for him and his future. He is a sentive person who feels very very deeply, good and bad. He also has depression and anxiety and this just makes it that much harder for him. My next reaction was an overwhelming feeling of warmth and incredible love for him. I wanted to do everything for him and be his biggest supporter. I wanted to love him and have his love forever. I had forgotten how truly deep my love for him was. We have known each other for nearly 15 years and have always had a deep connection with one another and a secret attraction and love. We have waited so long for the timing between us to be right. The next reaction I had was anger and deep hurt because he has waited so long for us to be together so how can he suddenly let me go so quickly? It makes me feel worthless and like our relationship has meant and means nothing to him. I hear him when he tells me it is more about him than it is about me but it's not something I can truly understand. Since then I have broken down many times. I feel sick to my stomach about it. My heart breaks for him and I hate that he is going through this. I wish I can be there for him and I wish he could lean on me.

Im filled with immense sadness and emptiness knowing I will no longer be a part of his life while truly knowing this man is my soul mate. What also hurts is that yes, his moving to help his mom is admirable, though I dont think his father would want him to leave a girl who cares so deeply about him and loves him and whom he loves. I don't know if I will ever see him again, speak to him again, be with him again, but I do know my heart is always with him. I have never cared so deeply about anyone before him.

This is someone that I do want to have back in my life. I want to be happy with him and I appreciate him doing what he needs to do for himself and I respect that fully. If I feel comfortable to do so while mending a broken heart and trying to move on with my life, I would like to be able to contact him at least here and there to see how he is doing. Is this something I should be doing if he doesn't reach out to me first? If he doesnt contact me, should I contact him? Should I let him be for a few months? Any advice and input would be greatly appreciated. I know the right thing to do is to set love free and if it comes back, it's meant to be. Has anyone who has gone through this been able to rekindle their love even if it's years later? Or even be able to be friends? Thanks for reading.

Edited by Jaded11
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I feel terrible for everyone this happens to--and it happens A LOT as we can see from just this one thread. So, it's been about a year and a half for me. The hardest parts for me were 1. realizing I had no control over my ex's feelings or actions, and 2. realizing that I deserved way, way better than what he could offer me. That part was hard because I have a hard time letting people go. But sometimes you need to let stuff go to make room for the new.

 

Also sometimes people aren't meant to be in your life forever. Sometimes they are there only for a little while, and to help you learn something. My ex abandoning me was so painful, and often still is, but without that happening I doubt I would have ever started to overcome the often unconscious negative patterns and choices in my life. This man might be your soul mate, but that doesn't mean you are meant to be together forever in this life.

 

So this is just a little missive sent from the other side. The most important thing is to put your focus back on YOU. If you are like me, you tend to focus on the needs of other people more than your own. But you need to take care of yourself first and foremost--that's a cliche but it is the only ultimate truth in life. You are the only person who you can be sure will always be there for you. And when you are there for yourself, you can be there for others.

 

And this guy is right--it's not about you. That can take time to understand. Focus on what you want and need out of your life and eventually you will truly understand that.

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  • 1 month later...

Sorry , your going thru this Miri . Im in the same situation you are too and feel devastated because hes acting the same way that yours is . And i also cant understand who someone you love can push you ways after being there for them all the time while going thru this.. I was with my boyfriend all the time too and even at time when mom passes away ..his mom passed away 2 months ago.. Mine told me he feel empty inside and doesnt feel anything , I dont know how to get over this cause i also thought it was me doing something wrong .. I also feel i need couseling but at this point i feel nothing will help..

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Sorry , your going thru this Miri . Im in the same situation you are too and feel devastated because hes acting the same way that yours is . And i also cant understand who someone you love can push you ways after being there for them all the time while going thru this.. I was with my boyfriend all the time too and even at time when mom passes away ..his mom passed away 2 months ago.. Mine told me he feels empty inside and doesnt feel anything , I dont know how to get over this cause i also thought it was me doing something wrong .. I also feel i need couseling but at this point i feel nothing will help..

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  • 1 month later...

I’m surprised to know how many people are actually having similar experiences and this comforts me to think it was no one’s fault.

 

My ex and I were good friends for years, and one day, we decided to be honest for our feelings. As we knew each other well already, we gave commitment into the relationship from the beginning and it was the happiest experience I ever had.

His father was ill and I spent his last winter with all his family. In my eyes at least, his last was filling, he had loving Christmas with everyone cares for him. He passed away after the Christmas and I attended to the funeral.

 

Still our relationship was ok. For first one month, my ex was telling me how things and his feeling go every day. He gave me flowers for Valentine’s, I sometimes wrote a letter or gave chocolates as he was not eating well. But he was extremely stressed.

Later he started to stop contact sometimes. I was upset and wanted to know how he was. I should have let him be but I couldn’t and asked if he was ok, he only said sorry.

He stopped wanting to see me, he said he wanted to shut everyone out and be alone. So I left him for a month, meanwhile still he sent me a very loving letter, talking about our happy future, so I wrote a happy and relaxed reply.

He started talking to me every day again, but then I heard less and less after a while... I was very confused and stressed. I should have not taken it personally, wish if I knew that was normal for the person in grief can’t keep stable contact or moods but I was really upset.

 

One day, he wrote me a nice email, about our future. At the same day, he called me and said he thinks we better to break up. I could not understand what he said. He said he didn’t have the same feeling as before anymore. He mentioned that he was losing feelings against his friends too. So I thought he was only confused and suggested talking in person. We decided to go for a week trip, to see how he may feel if relaxed.

It was the happiest trip but by the end of it, he said the same that he tried to gain but could not feel the same way as a year ago.

He cried to say bye. After the trip, he sent me a letter said he is happy that we have met. All such his attitudes confused me but later I started to know I had to admit that anyway we have broken up.

 

I blamed myself so much, about everything. Which my action or words eased his feeling, if I did something too much or not enough. What my personality he doesn’t like, when he started losing feeling and why I didn’t realise etc...

I cannot stop regretting if I have done something differently. But after reading all these posts, I felt little comforted. I read even the exactly same words I heard. He repeatedly said “This is not ok how I am treating you”, “You deserve better”, “Sorry I pushed you away”, "you haven't done anything wrong". Some of you did how I wish I have done and some opposite and still the same happening. I have no idea if there is anyone has survived incident like this or if we are only alone eventually.

 

I am suffering to accept what has happened. I cannot believe yet his feeling has changed. Cannot resist thinking one day his life will be filled with happy moments and he will start to think of me again though I know I better to move on.

 

When I feel better, I still wish to support him as a friend, as how we were used to, wish him to be happy anyway, wish one day he’ll find the way to think of memories with his father in peaceful mind.

I know everyone here suffers for unreasonable breaking up. I wish all of us to be happy and this experience still gives us something for the life.

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  • 1 month later...

Hi everyone,

 

I decided to join the forum to share my experience. It's very similar to everything I've read here, and I found comfort to know I'm not the only person this happened to.

 

I was with my boyfriend for over 6 years. Our relationship wasn't perfect, by any means, but we loved each other (at least, that's what I thought) and I supported him after both of his parents died within the space of a year. It was such a monumentally difficult time for him, and I tried to help him as best I could. After his father died, he leaned on me more than usual. He had troubles at work and panic attacks, and I was there for him. I was with him every day in the hospital while his mother was sick, held his hand and cried with his family while she died in front of us. I was very close with his mother, and she used to refer to me as her daughter.

 

Two months after his mother died (and although we were living in the same house) he withdrew from me completely. He stopped talking to me, sharing anything with me, stayed later at work and avoided me at weekends. I begged him many times to tell me what was going on, but he wouldn't. After weeks of this, I told him I was going to stay with a friend, and he broke up with me. A few weeks later, he told me it was because he no longer loved me, and that was that.

 

It's been a few weeks since then, and although it's felt like my life has been destroyed, I'm slowly piecing myself together again. It's all quite fresh still, but the only sense I can make of it is that I remind him too much of his old life.

 

I think it's quite common, after people experience the death of a loved one, to dramatically reevaluate your life and to have a renewed sense of what you want from it. For my ex, his revelation was that he no longer wanted to be in a relationship. I'm so sorry to everyone else who's experienced this. I think all we can do is pick ourselves up, not hide from the anger we feel, but try to let our partners go, with love.

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  • 1 month later...
Hi everyone,

 

I decided to join the forum to share my experience. It's very similar to everything I've read here, and I found comfort to know I'm not the only person this happened to.

 

I was with my boyfriend for over 6 years. Our relationship wasn't perfect, by any means, but we loved each other (at least, that's what I thought) and I supported him after both of his parents died within the space of a year. It was such a monumentally difficult time for him, and I tried to help him as best I could. After his father died, he leaned on me more than usual. He had troubles at work and panic attacks, and I was there for him. I was with him every day in the hospital while his mother was sick, held his hand and cried with his family while she died in front of us. I was very close with his mother, and she used to refer to me as her daughter.

 

Two months after his mother died (and although we were living in the same house) he withdrew from me completely. He stopped talking to me, sharing anything with me, stayed later at work and avoided me at weekends. I begged him many times to tell me what was going on, but he wouldn't. After weeks of this, I told him I was going to stay with a friend, and he broke up with me. A few weeks later, he told me it was because he no longer loved me, and that was that.

 

It's been a few weeks since then, and although it's felt like my life has been destroyed, I'm slowly piecing myself together again. It's all quite fresh still, but the only sense I can make of it is that I remind him too much of his old life.

 

I think it's quite common, after people experience the death of a loved one, to dramatically reevaluate your life and to have a renewed sense of what you want from it. For my ex, his revelation was that he no longer wanted to be in a relationship. I'm so sorry to everyone else who's experienced this. I think all we can do is pick ourselves up, not hide from the anger we feel, but try to let our partners go, with love.

 

I'm shocked at how often this happens. I'm sorry to all of you who are going through this, it's definitely not easy even months after breaking.

 

We've been together for 6 years and were high school sweethearts. I've been very loving with her throughout going to near extremes to see her happy and to b honest I'm still in love with her. She's 22 and I'm 24. We've had our ups and downs and just minor issues but things only started getting really bad when her mother got sick in June of last year. I was with her through everything, from early and late visits to the ER to drives to the airport (she was receiving treatment as well as living with family in another state). Their relationship was one sided as my gf had resented her mom for past struggles with her. She passed away in late May of this year in their home state and when my gf returned I noticed her very distant and cold toward her family and I. I tried my best to be with her and there for her as much as possible but I also had my dad in town (I only would see him about twice a year as he lived outside the US) so it was tough to split time between both of them.

 

Fast forward to end of June and she calls for a break saying she's "not in love anymore". I decide to keep talking in that time to a minimum and in mid July she decided she wanted to break up. I didn't want to put more pressure on her than she had so I agreed to it, but a couple of days later I decided I wanted her back. She's gone out partying and taking road trips with friends alot since we split. 1.5 months after I get a call saying my father passed unexpectedly. I am obviously very affected but as stable as I can given the circumstances.

 

We haven't spoken about us since the breakup and have had little contact (a few texts once every 2 weeks or so). I last saw her 2 weeks ago at my dad's viewing and it was mainly small talk and a few intense stares between us. I feel that maybe it's best for us not to be together right now but I feel more inclined to remind her I'm here if she needs anything. If she needs me just to be a friend right now, so be it. At the same time, I hear that if she needed help from me she would know that she can ask. With that said, I'm taking the time to focus on myself too. Advice on what I should do? Flowers and a brief card? Anything?

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  • 1 month later...

I, like many others, stumbled across this thread and now feel less alone in what I'm going through.

 

My boyfriend and I had met online prior to a planned move he was making out to my city. From the get go we were amazed at how strong our connection was from online/calling/skyping, how much we had in common and how we ticked off each other's boxes in precisely what we were looking for. We decided early on that we wanted to commit ourselves to a relationship with one another and fell in love immediately.

 

Prior to his move over, his aunt passed away unexpectedly. He had the initial grief and seemed to be handling it ok, said that the death made him realise how important life is and didn't want to spend another day without me. Fast forward to a couple weeks later, he had moved out here and was staying with me until he found a place and our feelings for one another from our online relationship was very evident and real upon meeting in person. We talked about future plans, he told me he knew I was the one and that he already knew he wanted to marry me, we discussed moving in together in 6 mons time.

 

6 days after his move over, his grandmother passed away. He had a very close relationship with his grandmother and she had a key part in his upbringing. He was absolutely devastated and I was there for him as he grieved. He expressed that he appreciated that I was there for him, told me I was his best friend, told me that he feels like he could make it through anything with me. Over the next week, much family drama was brewing over the death and he was dreading having to go back across country to deal with it. He told me that he wished that I could come back out with him for the funeral, however we both agreed it wasn't the time in our relationship to do so. We were both teary the night before we had to goodbye so that he could head back home. Once landed, he alerted me that he had made it there safely and told me he loved me. The following day we chatted a little bit back and forth, however it was brief as we were both busy from work, then the communication stopped on his end.

 

I started to panic as our messages had never gone unresponded to one another. The following day, his mother messaged me on his phone that he had had an argument with her and took off to cottage. She had his phone, there was no phone at the cottage. I then went with the mindset that I knew the funeral was going to be in 3 days, he needed his time to grieve and have time to himself as arriving back home and the stresses of the family must have been an emotional shock to him.

 

The funeral came and went and I have yet to hear from him. Further inquiries sent to his phone proved the mother still had it and he wasn't talking to her. He had been under a family plan and she was cancelling it, telling him for him to go get his phone. He was planning on doing that once he got out here, however hadn't been here long enough to do that yet.

 

We're almost at 7 days since I've heard from and I was absolutely devastated that he hasn't reached out once yet. The only contact we've done with another is through the phone; we deleted our profiles long ago, don't have each others email address, not connected on social media, and skype is logged in through his phone. He's an intelligent man, computer savvy, surely he could have found a way to contact me at this point even though he's without a phone? I attempted to send a message request to him on facebook, however his account was deactivated the next day.

 

Upon reading this thread it's really helped me to understand that he's potentially not in the emotional state right now to be in a relationship as he's dealing with grief and stress. Our 2 mons of knowing one another perhaps isn't solid enough for him to get through this time and it's easier for him to distance himself than to include me in what he's going through. I have no way of contacting him even I wanted to, other than a futile attempt to a skype account I know he only accessed on his phone. It's disappointing and upsetting to have to go through this without any closure, but I sympathize with everything he must be going through.

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Ok im about to blow all your minds, this is as simple as it gets, go through these posts and realize how many times people say, I want, I dont get, I wish, I think,she did this, he did this, I dont understand, you see the pattern blaming someone else.., if He/she cut you off thats what HE/SHE wants... plain and simple l agree with all of you.. what happened F*^•*ng blows!!! But do things for YOU, ive had my share of GFs break up with me over deaths of loved ones, or really nothing... im mean they passed, and next day they move out no explanation no contact whatsoever... before i finally realized i need to be just ME and focus on my life, and now im happy with 3 kids in the suburbs because i focused on me, got a great job and my wife cant get enough of me,... but if she leaves one day... To be honest f••k her, love her to death but i wont let someone who isnt me ruin me and my kids lives...YOU WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND/KNOW why things turned out that way.. people think they need to understamd everything..the human brain is a complex and insanely complicated organ There are over 6,000,000,000 different ones... and you are focused on one.... YOU see how moronic that seems right....

Edited by V1le87
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