Everything. Addicted and worthless.

[mendelpalace]

For the record, I feel stupid posting here. As if some random people on the internet will be able to help me. But this is a challenge to all you enotalone lurkers. Give me something, anything that'll lift my spirits or some sort of practical advice. Because this is the best I could do, my one last shot of hope, of salvation before I lose my mind and do something I'll regret. I can't talk to anybody because I would feel stupid. Everyone who goes to counselors is usually just butt-hurt because their "soul" mate left them for some schmooze. I don't know. I can't feel anything anymore.

 

I'll sum up my problem right here and now. I'm addicted, and worthless. I'm addicted to a certain online game. It's sucked months upon months of my life away, tearing away at my sanity as I wonder why is till play it, as I wonder what my purpose is. I'm not in school, I work to survive. I happen to work with mentally disabled middle schoolers for low pay. Anyone who tells you that "volunteer work" or working with the homeless or handicapped is nothing but rewarding is full of it. It's depressing and I just live paycheck to paycheck at this point. I live in a run-down old clunker. I work, I come home, and I play this stupid piece of garbage video game.

 

Friends? I have none. After I graduated I just went to work and gave no one tick about anything else. Even though I have dozens of facebook friends, none of them would even know my birthday if it wasn't plastered there conveniently for them.

 

I'm afraid. Afraid to tell anybody about my problems. I absolutely DESPISE those insipid attention-seeking drama queens who always post "FML" this or "Life is just like, blah sometimes." that. No one wants to read about your petty garbage so I don't bother. I can't seek counseling because that's the cruelest process ever. You have to setup an appt...wait in a lobby with dozens of other eyes judging you, then you go to the PRE-meeting where they ASSESS you. Then you set up ANOTHER Appt where finally you talk to a suit who "active listens" and doesn't give you an ounce of practical advice. THEN you gotta PAY them. Gee thanks for the no advice mr smarmy no help. I'm trying to maintain a cool, happy image on the outside. God forbid people know I was human. (I really wish I could swear a lot in this post btw.)

 

I've tried to live life like your supposed to. Had a couple girlfriends not to long ago. It was boring and by-the-book. No passion at all.

 

I try working out but I don't see the point. It's boring, it hurts and I don't feel better doing it.

 

I'm not good at annnnyyyyyyyything. Not just sports, the arts, I mean those are my worst. But even this game. This stupid. annoying. terrible. waste of time, I'm honestly terrible at it. All I do is play it and be bad at it. I'll never even come close to being like some of my "online friends" who've made money doing this game cuz I'm terrible. And yet...I still play it.

 

Sports? I'm terrible at them. No coordination. Even playing something as simple as frisbee, which you would think is non-competitive is terrible, everytime I miss a catch, they all stare at me with pity, then I know I'm not getting the frisbee thrown to me again. Also I don't fit in with that crowd anyway. Bunch of 6 foot something clear skinned alpha's, wondering what a weirdo like me is doing trying to play a sport at all.

 

Arts? Nope. Can't draw, can't music, whatever.

 

Smart? Nope. Got C's in school, didn't pursue higher education. Who cares.

 

Isn't that what anybody wants? To be good at something. It's selfish but I just want to be GOOD at SOMETHING. I don't even have to excel. The only fond memory of my life...was when I first started playing this terrible video game...I did kind of a neat trick and got praised by my guild. It felt good. Really good. One of the happiest times of my life. And so I kept playing, and a feeling like that never came again.

 

Each night gets worse and worse. I wonder, what am I here for? I have suicidal thoughts and I try to calm them, but I want the pain to stop.

[dolorosa]

Unfortunately, you are not alone. As you there are millions of people out there with the same feelings... Including me! All I know is that I am in control and only I can do something.... So do I stay at home dying because my "soulmate" used me for 7 months to get over his ex? Or the fact that my mum died at the same time and I am so far away I could not even be there for the funeral, or the fact that I am totally alone in this world? Raising a my daughter

, without a place to call home, nowhere to belong.

 

Sorry you going through hell, keep fu...king going because you are the only person that can decide what to do... Suicide is not even an option for me, seen the darkest moments already, and if you get your b@tt up and find something, anything that will shift your energy to something more productive do it.

[dolorosa]

And I also cr@p at everything... I was born without any skills, but that does not stop me from trying everything I can, is only to fail but I just give it a good fight. Peace and that

[lukeb]

The root cause of most addictions are a poor way of coping with difficult emotions, feelings. Your addiction is actually kind of similar to sex or gambling addictions in that it is not obviously "chemical" in nature. Online gaming for you provides you relief from certain difficult feelings, could be many things such as anxiety about the future, career etc. It could be something else entirely I don't know. While you are gaming you go into a trance-like or drug-like state if you will and you don't have to deal with the stuff you are dealing with. In a way similar to that a heroine junkie doesn't have to deal with life's problems when they shoot up. You body is a chemical factory and certain behaviors can mimick certain drugs.

 

That in a nutshell is atleast the reason why you are addicted to gaming.