Be friends and see what happens? Where do I go from there?

[vanillacupcake]

My ex and I split up 2 weeks ago. A lot has been going on in our lives, especially mine. Things became too messy too quickly, since we jumped right in and everything has been about bad timing. Since then, he has reached out to a friend of mine and spoke about it, how we aren't ready for something "right at this time". He tracked me down last night, came to my apartment, and we spent all night mostly together. Actually, as soon as I saw him, I ran for my apartment to avoid him and he definitely ran after me: twice. We finally spoke rationally about what has happened and decided we should be friends for right now, but he said "be friends and just see what happens". All clean slate. I agreed, saying we were never friends first and never were able to build that foundation. He said he wants to get to know me.

 

How should I approach this? Does he actually see a future there when he says "see what happens"? He is fully aware I have feelings for him (as he does for me). Should I hold out hope? We never really fought about stuff, or had any kind of drama in our lives. We are pretty perfect for each other, its just such bad timing with so much, especially in my life, happening. But now since all of it is calming down, I think this would be a great place to start.

 

Any advice is appreciated. Thanks.

[whatatodo]

I'm sorry that this reply offers no advice, but apart from the length of time, I'm in the same situation as you. After 7 months I met with ex and I'm wondering the same thing about me and my ex... him saying 'see what happens' and 'needing to start somewhere' and friends is that start........... I want to go with it, and trust that something will happen, but there's no guarantee and I don't want to fall in to being friends. I'll be interested to see what people advise you. Good luck.

[indea08]

Same thing also happened to me. I messed up the relationship, horribly, and I was sure he'd never speak to me again. After weeks of my apologizing, we talked and realized that I wanted to hang out with him again, and he wanted to hang out with me again, so why not hang out again? Feelings may come back, they may not, but it's stupid to avoid each other just because we're afraid. When we talked, I believe he actually used the phrase "see what happens" and let me tell you, it's been going in a great direction. If you got together so quickly, he's obviously very attracted to you, and that doesn't just go away, especially if you're still seeing each other. Just make sure you're very cool about things, make it easy for him to fall for you. You know how we talk about other people's relationships and we see when girls are being clingy or whiny or whatever? Don't be that way. Be a girl that other girls can talk about and be like "wow, she's cool." Don't worry, this "see what happens" thing will take you in a good direction.

[vanillacupcake]

Thanks guys, I really appreciate it. My best friend told him to tread carefully and if he is asking for my friendship, he has to know I hold out hope. So he knows how I feel. Especially the fact he has gone through such great lengths the past week to open the lines of communication and offer friendship towards me speaks volumes. I am the main factor of our split, I've been going through health issues, had a surgery where I actually coded. Everyone thought I was going to die. After he thought I may have passed away is when he really started putting in some effort. And I keep thinking how he ran after me, twice, up the stairs in my 4 story walk-up apartment just to talk about "being friends"?

 

We had a hurricane here last night. He knocked on my door an hour after we spoke just to see if I was okay. He held my apartment door open, just staring at me the same way he used to when we were together. At that moment, I knew the guy has serious feelings for me. Just what to do with them and about my feelings is what I question.

 

I've never been clingy or dramatic like most girls. Actually, my whole problem during our relationship is that I never fully welcomed him into my life and I pushed him away. Every time he came close, I just pushed away (he has said that to me last night).

 

Good luck!

 

There are absolutely no guarantees in anything -- even a 10 year relationship. That is love, its a funny thing.

[melohyellow]

I also just got out of a relationship a week ago. I still have feelings but he says he isn't "in love" anymore. Like your situation, we are trying to be friends. It's really hard though. I think "see what happens" is enough to give hope, though. I would kill to hear those words...Try being friends for a while, maybe you can work out the problems that you had and find a solution. Since you were having problems, I think friendship is a great place to start over. It's the only way the relationship can possibly be salvaged, because jumping right back into a relationship right now will just bring up the same problems.

[vanillacupcake]

Melo, I have to thank you for what you've said. We spent time together last night. I was in a crappy mood and he came over to cheer me up. He didn't put any moves on me but he did hug me a lot. The whole time I kept thinking of what you've said, that you would kill to hear the words "see what happens".

 

Thank you!

[vanle80]

Vanilla, I'm in the same predicament as you are. My ex and I broke up a week and we also said the let's be friends thing. I just feel like there is no need to rush things and just let it happen naturally. I wish I could say the same thing about my situation but it's over between her and I. Lol.. Anyway, just take your time with it and don't make rash decisions. Good luck in the future and God Bless!

[jeepman41]

When you have romantic feelings for someone it is hard to hide behind the facade of friendship. Going slow and taking your time may be the right solution but your feelings do not change overnight. Seeing that person on a regular or semi regular basis just reinforces these emotions. But who's to say how it will work out because all relationships are different. I think it really depends on the emotional maturity of the people involved.

[Georgia99]

Personally never been a fan of 'let's be friends'. I've said to an ex, "I want to be dating and it seems like we want different things. I love you too much to just be 'friends''. Then walked away. This has always worked better for me.

 

I don't really want to hang around casually with someone I was in a serious relationship with. I KNOW I want more. Why pretend? How are you going to react when your ex boyfriend starts dating again? Knowing you're not in his life is bad enough... but having to watch that life go on without you from a position of supposed friendship? Yeah, too complicated for me.

[SethSLC]

I agree with jeepman. If you have romantic feelings for someone it is generally impossible to hide that from them. Eventually there is a tension that is felt which puts a strain on the friendship.

 

However I think it is almost always the right course to be "friendly" towards them. You shouldn't be initiating any kind of contact, but if they do, then you can be friendly in return, but try not to prolong the contact. Eventually they will either step up the contact as they begin having to chase you, or they will start to disappear at which point you generally know that they didn't really want you as a friend but more than likely wanted to lessen their guilt over the breakup. (Or have their cake and eat it too, either way it's the same thing)