Did you accept it, or did you fight/beg/plead, what effect did it have?

[DumpedConfused]

My girlfriend sent me this message on Facebook that kind of sounds like she wants to breakup with me because of college. It’s the big old “I wanna see what’s out there” BS. But I wanna know if I should just accept it, or try to fight for it. We are basically meeting up to talk face to face in a couple of hours so we can talk about it more since FB isn’t really the best place to talk, and I guess say goodbye if that’s what it comes down to.

 

I know everyone recommends the accept-it route because of dignity but my dignity isn’t the priority, my priority would be healing, and how each of the options would affect it.

 

Does telling her you accept it really make it easier to heal, or does fighting for it (at least for the time we are gonna talk about it) make it easier?

I just feel that not trying to fight for it would be doing what she did and that is give up on us because of GIGS. But on the other hand, I feel that it could be pointless to try to change her mind but what if I really can change her mind? I don’t know if I could live knowing I gave up on that bit of hope.

 

Don’t tell me I should accept it because I know that seems the easier route but I just want to know if you think any of these responses had an effect on your healing personally which is what I'm mostly worried about given that the breakup does happen.

 

Thanks.

[wolflovesmoon]

It does seem to be easier, and its the world`s greatest lie ever. you pretend to accept it just because your partner could be content. but what else could you do. try to talk to her, sometimes words of confirmation may help someone change their mind. but if you insist she will resist. then you have to do something about it, don`t push harder, she will run farther.. try to show her- regardless if she means a lot to you- that you could be fine without her ( you wont for a period of time, i said the same to my self and i am going crazy, lost weight, appetite and i don`t want to do anything just sit and stare at the roof of my room) that you could move on without her. sometimes it hard to just give up and not fight. so fight for what you love, be nice and gentle and take things easy. best of luck

[greywolf]

Just because you don't accept it doesn't mean that the right thing to do is fight for it. Tell her where you stand, that you don't agree with the breakup, etc. but anything beyond that comes off as controlling/desperate because you cannot force someone to change their mind.

[Stan1009]

I accepted it at first and said it's probably better like that but i felt devastated, a few days later i sent her an email asking her if it's really what she want and reminding her the plans we had etc tho.

I don't think either way affect your healing process, that you ask her to reconsider her decision or just let it be, what hurt is her leaving. But you should never beg, that's not gonna change her mind and it will just hurt your self-esteem.

[xiRoCb294]

With my last break up, I fought, beg, and pleaded my butt off, and it just pushed him away even further because he felt like I wasn't respecting his decision to break up with me.

[bulletproof]

I would say that the best option if you want to heal effectively is to tell her you would like to stay together but that you understand she does not. Then walk away. That way you don't have a lot of second-guessing to contend with about whether she truly knew how you felt, etc. It's also the most honest route.

[beacon]

Appears that you are entering the "what if" territory. This is a treacherous area. Be sure you don't get too wrapped up in it. I know from experience...

[luminousone]

With my last break up, I fought, beg, and pleaded my butt off, and it just pushed him away even further because he felt like I wasn't respecting his decision to break up with me.

 

Same here! So true!

 

It didn't do any good to save the relationship. On the other hand, I don't think we would have gotten back together anyway - he was already out the door in his mind months before he shared that with me.

[scotsguy]

I would say that the best option if you want to heal effectively is to tell her you would like to stay together but that you understand she does not. Then walk away. That way you don't have a lot of second-guessing to contend with about whether she truly knew how you felt, etc. It's also the most honest route.

 

This exactly. Great advice.

[Forget Myself]

Does telling her you accept it really make it easier to heal, or does fighting for it (at least for the time we are gonna talk about it) make it easier?

 

Telling her anything won't make it easier for you. The only thing that makes it easier for you is accepting it yourself, truly accepting it. She has already made the decision and her mind is only going to try and reinforce that decision on any action that you take. If you do fight for it, however, it could, and in most cases does, make things worse. She will feel crowded and pressured and want even more space. The best thing to do is let her go, let her miss you, and maybe she will contact you again when she realizes other guys aren't so great.

 

I agree with bulletproof about the honest route. Just put your cards on the table and walk away. The next move is on her, and it will make you look strong. As for you, try not to dwell on the situation, if you can find a great girl once you can do it again, and you can do it better the second time around. "I don’t know if I could live knowing I gave up on that bit of hope." Be careful with thoughts like that. They distract you from reality and become negative thought patterns that lead to depression and make it hard to appreciate yourself. It sounds like you both are still young, just know that it's inevitable for things in life to go wrong, to feel like you've lost or given up. See this as a learning experience to understand about yourself, what's important to you, what you appreciate in a woman and a relationship. And it will bring you a lot closer to really being happy.

[Thorshammer]

When someone says hey want to see what else is out there, its pretty final in most cases. Some idiots beat around the bush and say they are confused, or say that we arent compatable, since might very well be the case for some, but for many... it has a strong push with the desire to see what else is out there. They leave many people with the false hope that they might change their mind, since confusion can go either way, and incompatability might be talked through with and come up with atleast at solution to attempt.

 

Do not plead. When someone says they want to try other people, it means they might be losing attraction to you. Pleading and begging will further push them away. Its an attraction killer to look desperate and needy. You should communicate that you dont want her to leave, and leave it at that. But, if you want to plead, do it, desperation might push her away, but for some... they can atleast look back and say... well, I threw the kitcken sink and tried, nothing else left on the table to do to try to get her back. For some people, if they dont plead and cry, they will go on thinking they blew it (though again, pleading ususally never works, especially when guys do it, and especially when a girl specifically says she wants to see other people).

 

I begged and pleaded for my ex to stay, even cried when I was pretty cold when it came to emotions. It did nothing. And my ex chased me, loved me, her life was about me all the time before breakup, this behavior from her was only a week old before breakup, you would imagine busting out in tears to have some type of effect. Sure, I can look back and say, well... I throw myself on the dirt for this woman, broke my pride for her, etc., and she just listened and decided to walk away. That is enough to hit me with reality that there is nothing else I can do, that was a low for me, and she knows it, and that wasnt enough, nothing is ever enough.

[Voguester]

It depends on how long you've been together because if its a year or more than I definitely think you have the right to just tell her what your thoughts are, even if they don't make a difference and change her mind, you will have gotten it all out there. To me it's really important that I have said everything I needed to and I'd be more likely to be able to move on.

 

You do have to be calm about it though and not be overly emotional, that's really important because then you just come off looking crazy.

[somethngwrng]

When I broke up with my ex, she fought it, begged and pleaded. She went as far as logging into my facebook account to find out the reasons why I dumped her. But no, it had nothing to do with anyone else. We were just broken as a couple - she demanded all of my time and made me her life center. She didn't have anything else in her life at the time. Since we broke up she had really gotten her act together. She is the person I fell in love with. So I tried to get back with her, and she led me on. Which ended with me pleading... have been strictly NC ever since the realisation dawned - she's not interested. I pleaded for one day.

[Thorshammer]

When I broke up with my ex, she fought it, begged and pleaded. She went as far as logging into my facebook account to find out the reasons why I dumped her. But no, it had nothing to do with anyone else. We were just broken as a couple - she demanded all of my time and made me her life center. She didn't have anything else in her life at the time. Since we broke up she had really gotten her act together. She is the person I fell in love with. So I tried to get back with her, and she led me on. Which ended with me pleading... have been strictly NC ever since the realisation dawned - she's not interested. I pleaded for one day.

 

How long did you wait? Did you try to break it down as to why you left? A good explanation, maybe an email or note? I am sure her ego was crushed and it made her bitter, and its hard to trust a person who broke up with you. Just because she didnt find anything doesnt mean she thinks there is no one. I broke into my ex's facebook and checked everything, she kept our pics up for a while, and she deleted and removed guys that were hitting on her after breakup, but that means nothing, I was hoping to turn into magneto so I can use mental powers to bring her cellphone to me from miles of city into my window to check, because i felt there had to be a better reason.

 

Your story is like mines with my ex, except I am her... but I am a dude. I made my girl my life, she chased me all the time, missed me all the time, and I didnt know anything about relationship at that time, so I followed what i wanted to do... which was to be with her whenever I could. She met new friends, I take a relaxed lazy approach at life to just focus on school and not work so i can get really good grades. Those friends became her new life, then i turned to the needy, insecure, goblin with no money as i noticed she slowly starts changing.

 

Now I graduated, I am waiting for the nypd, and might even join the coast guard. At some point I will hopefully move on, right now she might have me if she reaches out.

[Pinnacle]

If you beg, you have a a relationship based on obligation and not out of desire. Pretty bad foundation right there. ALWAYS accept and move on. Someone who LOVES you won't break up with you on a whim and take it back. Never.

[Forget Myself]

If you beg, you have a a relationship based on obligation and not out of desire. Pretty bad foundation right there. ALWAYS accept and move on. Someone who LOVES you won't break up with you on a whim and take it back. Never.

 

Right on. That's a great way to put it.

[resilient7]

Fought it and got knock F out!....I never put myself out there like that before.I cried begged pleaded,sang a friggin song in another language I'm not to familiar with!

But I also found out around that time that I was having some health issues and was not able to follow through with my career so I had no choice but to pack my things and leave so my emotions were ten times what they should have been because I lost my dream job and was having health issues on top of it all.my emotions were ten times what they normally should have been.now had it just been the break up by itself I still would have begged some and would have felt bad about it but at my house.but I had went hardcore with the begging and pleading,tenfold baby!.at first I didn't like that excuse (heath issues) and that's how I viewed it in the beginning,as an excuse.But now I can see that I was in a different country all on my own and had nowhere to turn to for support so I turned to her and HER family.recently begun to forgive myself for this.

 

But yes,it is best to tell them you accept it and even though you want them with you,you understand that they don't and just walk away.thanks to the great advice from people here I now know what to do next time.

[somethngwrng]

If you beg, you have a a relationship based on obligation and not out of desire. Pretty bad foundation right there. ALWAYS accept and move on. Someone who LOVES you won't break up with you on a whim and take it back. Never.

Very good post. I am very disappointed with myself that I pleaded with her. She was clearly ignoring me and not willing to go through with the date we planned (must have had some better option...). She ended up sleeping with me that night, but we didn't do anything except sleep together. It wasn't a date, it was for her comfort and ego. The next day I got upset she was ignoring me again. When I finally FORCED her to talk to me, the conversation was horrible. So I told her that she was being cruel (she really was.. the things she said were just plain mean) and I didn't want to talk to her until she can speak to me like a human being.

 

Your story is like mines with my ex, except I am her... but I am a dude. I made my girl my life, she chased me all the time, missed me all the time, and I didnt know anything about relationship at that time, so I followed what i wanted to do... which was to be with her whenever I could. She met new friends, I take a relaxed lazy approach at life to just focus on school and not work so i can get really good grades. Those friends became her new life, then i turned to the needy, insecure, goblin with no money as i noticed she slowly starts changing.

Until you've been in the situation where your partner makes you their whole life, it's hard to see how it is really unattractive. I was being relied on for her sole source of entertainment, and when I couldn't deliver she got sad and moody. This went on for a while until her mood swings got really strong. I couldn't take it anymore. I told her that she needed to change her behaviour. She didn't. Weeks went by, things got worse, not better. I rehashed that she must change her behaviour. She didn't. After our break up, she took really good care of herself and is doing very well. Which is why I am so attracted to her once again.

 

But now she has a whole new group of friends, her life is exciting and I guess she sees me as something that will hold that back? For all I know, she has romance budding with another man. But I don't really want to know about it. NC for me. I also signed up for online dating to take my mind off of it.