Madamdiva007 Posted August 28, 2011 Share Posted August 28, 2011 Do you guys think after being in a relationship with someone for 14 months, one would know whether or not the relationship had the potential for longevity and a future? Or is it still too soon for someone to know if they are fully in love and want to spend the rest of their life with the other person? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kitkat973 Posted August 28, 2011 Share Posted August 28, 2011 It depends on the people involved, but I don't think that 14 months is a short period of time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sjustine Posted August 28, 2011 Share Posted August 28, 2011 I think you definitely know after 14 months if its somebody you could be with forever. But my advice is live together first, then you'll know if it can be a life long thing. Living together definitely changes the dynamic between you, and you'll see how well you can compromise and blend your lives. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jd1983 Posted August 28, 2011 Share Posted August 28, 2011 I think by 14 months, a person should have a somewhat clear idea of what they want and what they're not looking for. However, sometimes it does depend on the couple involved. The age factor, finances and things like that as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elcie Posted August 28, 2011 Share Posted August 28, 2011 A lot depends on the age of the people involved and how established their lives are in regard to their careers, financial situation, goals achieved etc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bichin Posted August 28, 2011 Share Posted August 28, 2011 Yes, it's plenty long enough for the people involved to know if they are overall gaining more than they are giving up for the relationship. That said, forever is a long time and some people want more than one year's assurance. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MCXFactor Posted August 28, 2011 Share Posted August 28, 2011 I think it's a process. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Madamdiva007 Posted August 29, 2011 Author Share Posted August 29, 2011 The reason I ask is because my bf and I have been together 14 months. Overall, we have a very good relationship, one that continues to get better and easier everyday. I'm anxious for us to take the next step in our relationship and move in together. He, however, is not. He is adament that we don't rush things, and wait until the timing is right. We have talked casually about the possibility of us moving in together next summer, after my lease ends. By then we will be dating 2 years. He has had 2 previous relationships with live-in girlfriends, both which failed miserably. He said everything changed once he moved in with those women, and it was absolutely horrible. I guess the financial stress of both those relationships ending was also pretty significant for him, and he said that he never wants to have to go through that again. I told him that I am not those women, and he should know by now that I am not going to hurt him or do to him what they did. He says he knows that, but once 2 people move in together things do seem to change. He says moving in together is a HUGE commitment, just as serious as marriage. On one hand I really appreciate where he is coming, I appreciate the fact that he takes moving in together as such a serious commitment. On the other hand, I worry that he will always have an excuse, so that he can avoid taking the next step with me, because he is afraid. I don't want to be waiting around for him to make a decision for when the time is right for him. I'm afraid that next year will come along and he will give me the same excuses. I told him this and he said that we don't know that. He thinks we should take one day at a time, no need to rush things, but I feel like we love each other, we want to be with each other, why not just go for it? Part of me thinks that, because we don't live together or have any sort of "serious commitment", someone else will just come along that he will leave me for because he doesn't feel he is tied down to me. I know this is ridiculous, he is with me because he wants to be, and if it's meant to be he will stay with me because he wants to. But all of this makes me feel just a little insecure. I told him that I know that he is the "one" for me, and I feel like we have a future with me. He told me that he sees a future with me too. I just wish he would give me a little more reassurance and stop being so wishy-washy about the whole thing. After being together 14 months I feel like he should be more sure about the whole situation. Just to give you guys a better idea of the dynamics in our relationship, he is 41, I am 22. I know it's a significant age gap, but we really haven't had any age gap related problems at all. We really do have a great relationship. He did mention though, that part of the reason he wants to wait is so that I can get a more stable, better paying job (I am in the process of looking for something better), so maybe that is an age gap thing. He has never seemed to have any concern whatsoever with the age gap before though, so I really do doubt that is the main reason for him not wanting to move in together yet. I know how ridiculous all of this must sound. I apologize, haha. I'm just a little flustered about this whole thing at the moment, it's really bothering me. Can any of you offer any words of advice or encouragement? Or any personal experiences? Thank you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ahotmess89 Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 Does anyone truly "know"? Sometimes going with a "gut feeling" turns out wonderfully!! I think 14 months is plenty of time to "know" whether or not it's worth the risk! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Madamdiva007 Posted August 29, 2011 Author Share Posted August 29, 2011 Yeah, I just wish he felt the same way Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kitty1223 Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 were his previous live-in girlfriends employed and/or contributing to the household? if not, that may be what he is trying to avoid. maybe once you do get that more stable job, he will change his tune. i'm sorry im not saying it's all about money, but unfortunately for a man his age, it might be a big factor especially if he felt financially burdened with his former gf's. good luck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Madamdiva007 Posted August 30, 2011 Author Share Posted August 30, 2011 As far as I know they were working and contributing. He's never told me that there were any financial issues until after the broke up and moved out and he was on his own. So I don't think they were taking advantage of him or anything. The only issues he's really talked with me about concerning his last live-in gf were the facts that she was a major alcoholic and a cheater. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LeoB Posted September 5, 2011 Share Posted September 5, 2011 You are early in your career so your BF probably understands that it will take awhile before you stabilize financially. Are you fully self-supporting and living independently in your own apartment? It's important to have your own stable income when you move in with someone. And maybe he thinks you need to change jobs first before you will be able to afford living with him. I don't think there is a hurry here, since you don't have to make the decision until your lease is up next year. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RitaTrue Posted September 6, 2011 Share Posted September 6, 2011 Yeah, I just wish he felt the same way What questions have you asked him about you and him together, in the future? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Madamdiva007 Posted September 13, 2011 Author Share Posted September 13, 2011 You are early in your career so your BF probably understands that it will take awhile before you stabilize financially. Are you fully self-supporting and living independently in your own apartment? It's important to have your own stable income when you move in with someone. And maybe he thinks you need to change jobs first before you will be able to afford living with him. I don't think there is a hurry here, since you don't have to make the decision until your lease is up next year. I am completely independent. I lived alone in my last apartment for 2 years and moved into my new apartment (alone) a few months ago. I've always been on my own without a roommate or any financial help from parents or anything like that. I have my own car, which will be paid off next summer, and just bought some new furniture which should be paid off by January. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Madamdiva007 Posted September 13, 2011 Author Share Posted September 13, 2011 What questions have you asked him about you and him together, in the future? I've just asked him if he sees a future with me. He says yes he does. I've told him that I just want to make sure I'm not being strung along, and that I won't wait around forever. He says he understands, but just doesn't see any reason to rush things right now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhowe Posted September 19, 2011 Share Posted September 19, 2011 Since you have talked about it, and you both know how each other feels, it's time to put it on the back burner. Fourteen months is long enough to have brought up the topic ----- but since you don't agree, it's time to table it. Your bf is right -- you can't know how you will feel in a year...and has he has had 2 move-in relationships go to hell in a hand basket, he is wary. Plus, you have a career to establish. I would take him at his word right now, and continue to plan for a future. Just don't mistake you living situation with stability --- even if you lived together, it's not a promise for the future. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Madamdiva007 Posted September 21, 2011 Author Share Posted September 21, 2011 mhowe, I know you are absolutely right. And I don't intend on bringing any of this back up until my lease is up next year. But sometimes it's just so frustrating. I feel like I'm surrounded by couples who talk so openly and comfortably about the future, their plans for moving in it getting married. I can't do that at all. I have to play it cool and pretend that I don't really worry about those types of things. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhowe Posted September 21, 2011 Share Posted September 21, 2011 The death of many, too many relationships has come about because either (a)all my friends are; (b) other couples do this. You have someone who appears to be committed to you and a relationship that is for the most part drama-free. Enjoy it for what it is --- don't criticize it for what it's not. There is no need to worry about it now -- start worrying next year when your lease is up. Honestly, you wouldn't be changing anything right now anyway --- and there's no point in borrowing worry from the future. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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