Girlfriend dumped me. What do you think? :(

[Mr Man]

OK, I’ll try and keep this as short as possible. I was with my girlfriend for exactly 7 months when she broke up with me (roughly 3 weeks ago). For the sake of your time I won’t go into too many details, but she had a boyfriend who she was forced to be with for cultural reasons. This boyfriend seriously abused her (even raped her) – I consoled her, she fell deeply in love with me which gave her the strength to leave him to we could be together. She said and still says I changed her life, which I certainly have. She’s 21. Our relationship really was amazing- completely honest, open, comfortable, reliant and fun. She counted the first time we made love as her losing her virginity because of what happened with her ex. It’s worth mentioning that she really isn’t a malicious person – she’s very caring and loving. It was a semi- long distance relationship, we are about an hour apart.

 

About the breakup:

 

We talked on the phone every night, without fail. A week before she breaks up with me, she’s painfully telling me how much she loves me, for me never to leave her, she misses me and she needs me. This was the longest gap we hadn’t seen each other, about 2 months because of financial reasons. The last time we were together we made love, it was excellent for us both and we were both very much in love.

 

She is distant for 2 nights in a row, which is strange. She texts me saying she thinks we need a break – I laugh to myself, yeh right as if she can live without me!lol … Anyway, I call her and she says she can’t talk tonight (can’t as in she’s too emotionally weak). We talk the following evening and she breaks up with me. I’m in shock, she says she loves me but she’s been having thoughts about her ex and it just doesn’t feel right, we don’t finish the conversation because she’s crying and can’t handle it. The next day she texts me asking if I’m ok, I don’t respond thinking I should just give her space, the next day she calls and texts saying she’s really worried why I’m not replying. I was hurting, I text her that evening saying ‘of course im fine and that we shouldn’t talk anymore.’ (I didn’t mean it, was just upset). She followed suit even though I KNOW she does want me in her life. We talk that night again, she says she loves and misses me but she thinks splitting was the right decision. She wants us to be friends because WE MIGHT BE ABLE TO BE TOGETHER AGAIN IN THE FUTURE. I was against that. Again, she’s crying, we hang up because she can’t handle it.

 

4 days pass, she texts saying sorry she’s been a *****. I say ‘no you haven’t, the space is good anyway’. 4 more days pass and I realise I think that I can be cool with the whole thing and be friends as she’s probably just a bit messed up in the head at the moment for different reasons and we can sort this out in the near future. She says ‘ I want to be honest with you, I’ve kissed someone else’ (via text). THE WORLD ENDS. I tell her to call me. She does. We talk for over an hour, she’s beside herself and I feel hurt and betrayed. I tell her that she’s completely screwed up our relationship (even friendship) and she’ll live and die without me in her life EVER. She panics, apologises and pleads – but doesn’t ask for me back. The guy she kissed is some shallow idiot(actually is an idiot, she even says it) from her work and it happened more than once since we split.

 

I have helped her so much. When no one else could, I did. I offered a chance for her to redeem my trust and respect in her by saying ‘don’t call, text or contact me in any way for six months. I gave her some promises to stick to, one of which is DON’T BE WITH ANYONE ELSE. I said if and ONLY if you stick to these promises, you can contact me in six months.’ My thinking was – she knew she was going to be honest with me about kissing him, she knew it would hurt me but she did it anyway. Friends don’t do something they don’t NEED to do if it’s going to hurt someone they love (she laughed when I asked if she loves this guy from her work, she definitely doesn’t). She needs to prove I can trust her to look out for me. We say goodbye with her panicking at the prospect of losing me forever. I quickly email her summarising what we talked about and where we stand. That’s it. That was 5 days ago.

 

Worth mentioning – I didn’t break down, cry or lose control at any point while we were talking. I haven’t harassed her with texts, phone calls or in any other way. Any solid grieving I did has been in my own privacy.

 

I do love her. I do care for her. And, if I’m honest, I want her back. I say I want her back, but even if she called me crying and begging for me to come back and saying it was the biggest mistake of her life, I wouldn’t – although it would certainly help her chances if she did that.

 

As I said, I do love her – I know I do. But I’m quite good at keeping things in perspective. I know I don’t need her, and I’ve actually started seeing people and doing other enjoyable things since she left. I’m not saying I haven’t been hurting like hell, but it definitely isn’t the end of the world if I never hear from her again.

 

I think that a contributory factor to her leaving me is that I’ve been in a bit of a mess for the past few months – unemployed, not studying, pretty much doing nothing (not the most attractive way to live), but it was all temporary. I have a job now, doing lots of stuff and am feeling inspired! Still feeling rubbish about her though.

 

I’m just going to leave it with her. I’m not going to contact her in any way. What do you think about the general situation?

[Cheetarah]

I might be confused -

 

You broke up, and she confessed to kissing another guy post-break up(is that right?). And the world ended and so on and so forth, she can't be trusted, etc? I agree that she shouldn't have told you such a thing, considering you were broken up and it's frankly none of your business, but that doesn't make her some sort of ogre.

 

And now, she is told not to text, call or contact you for 6 months, NOR be with anyone else, and THEN she may contact you? Meanwhile, you are seeing other people. Are you serious? Am I interpreting this correctly?

[Betweenthebars]

What do I think? I think you picked her up off the ground when she was down, and you helped her begin the process of healing. I think you were a miracle in her eyes. I also think she became distant because she was sexually attracted to someone at work and felt guilty. Instead of cheating on you, she broke up with you. To me, that would feel the same as cheating. If I were you, I would even feel used, as if she used you to get over the pain of her ex and his abuse, and as soon as she felt better she wanted to maybe explore more options, while keeping you on the back burner.

 

Now, I can be irrational, sometimes, or overly emotional, but I don't really like how she handled all this.

[Mr Man]

I might be confused -

 

You broke up, and she confessed to kissing another guy post-break up(is that right?). And the world ended and so on and so forth, she can't be trusted, etc? I agree that she shouldn't have told you such a thing, considering you were broken up and it's frankly none of your business, but that doesn't make her some sort of ogre.

 

And now, she is told not to text, call or contact you for 6 months, NOR be with anyone else, and THEN she may contact you? Meanwhile, you are seeing other people. Are you serious? Am I interpreting this correctly?

 

lol Erm kind of. Yes she kissed someone post-breakup. So at least she has the guts not to out-right cheat. My point is, our relationship wasn't a typical one, she still says she loves me deeply, I'm the only real man she's ever known and she NEEDS ME in her life - even if just as a friend (this is all true, she doesn't have the tact to compassionately lie, obviously). My argument is, a friend doesn't do something that will hurt another friend if it ABSOLUTELY isn't necessary. She's openly said she doesn't have any real feelings for this guy and that he's a 'mug'. It wasn't important for her to kiss him, but she did it any way, dispite the fact she knew it would hurt me. I would feel less betrayed AS A FRIEND if she was actually in love with the guy and felt absolutely compelled to be with him, but that wasn't the case. If it was me, I think I could have with strained myself if I really valued and respected the feelings of the person I broke up with if I felt I would lose someone important in my life. If we are going to be friends, I need to trust that she isn't going to do something (could be anything) pointless that is going to hurt me. She said 'I just want to be honest with you because I love you and never want to lie to you'.

 

My reaction is - I can't be friends with her and any deeper relationship is virtually unsalvageable. She's lost me completely. But because I love and care for her I asked her to make 2 promises. The first was that she speaks to a councillor about the abuse she has suffered throughout her life and her relationships- she is understandably traumatised and it is unhealthy for her to go through her life carrying this massive emotional burden. That doesn't benefit me, only her. The second, yes, was that she doesn't get romantically involved with anyone in anyway over the next 6 months. If she really NEEDS me in her life, I have to know I can trust her - her words aren't powerful enough at the moment, so I need actions to prove this. The first promise is not for my benefit, if she's motivated enough to make promises to me so I'm still in her life, then I thought it would be a good idea to make her promise to seek some help - something she certainly acccepts she needs to do. The second promise is something I need if she seriously wants to us to try again in the future either as friends or something more. I can't help it, I jut feel like I need that as proof of how important I am to her and as proof that I can trust her. What's more, there is absolutely NO WAY I will ever take her back if she gets with someone else during this separation - all I have done is tell her the truth of the matter and said if you ever want a relationship with me in the future you can't be with someone else.

 

If the relationship was just dead, she didn't love me, she wasn't contacting me more than I'm contacting her telling me how much she loves, can't lose me and telling me she thinks we could work in the future, it would be different. It certainly wouldn't be any of my business and I certainly would not ask for those kinds of promises otherwise. She has made it my business by making it clear how much she needs me and that she thinks we can be together again.

 

From my position, it will be very hard to trust her not to do this again, I need proof she won't. SHE BROKE UP WITH ME, so it would be stupid of me to think we were going to get back together, I have to move on - I didn't create this situation. She broke it off, I accept that, she still needs me deeply as a friend or more in the future, that's her prerogative. I've simply attached conditions to our future relationship, the first being something that will benefit her for the rest of her life, the second being something I feel will allow me to trust her again and won't nullify my attraction to her. I really do want what is best for her and if she really needs me that much, she'll keep to the second promise she made.

[Mr Man]

What do I think? I think you picked her up off the ground when she was down, and you helped her begin the process of healing. I think you were a miracle in her eyes. I also think she became distant because she was sexually attracted to someone at work and felt guilty. Instead of cheating on you, she broke up with you. To me, that would feel the same as cheating. If I were you, I would even feel used, as if she used you to get over the pain of her ex and his abuse, and as soon as she felt better she wanted to maybe explore more options, while keeping you on the back burner.

 

Now, I can be irrational, sometimes, or overly emotional, but I don't really like how she handled all this.

 

The thing is, We were friends for quite a while before we actually started being romantic. I know her well in terms of what she views as a 'rich existence'. She is very deep and emotional - attractive traits to me. Like me, she craves timelessness e.g we made love in a forest mid-winter while the snow fell through the trees - she loves and craves poetic moments. This other guy is some arrogant player - who can far from offer those things. Don't get me wrong, we played around and had so much fun too, it wasn't all too serious.

 

She definitely didn't use me, it wasn't like that, but yes I do feel cheated on. She loved me so deeply, cringingly pleaded with me never to leave her and thought I was out of her league. It's just so weird. Even if (which I think will be the case) we never cross paths again, I'm very proud at how I helped her. She suffered abuse for so long she thought it was normal to be abused, I changed that perspective. I guess that's why it hurts that she kissed this idiot - a shallow, disrespectful nobody, and she already regrets it.

 

Oh well. I wish I could make it all ok for her but I guess I've done all I can. Life goes on.

[Cheetarah]

I think you're being a little over the top, here.

 

I can understand you feeling hurt and betrayed by her divulging to you, post break-up, that she kissed some guy a few times. Ok, thanks for the mental images, is how I'd feel. Yes, I'd feel slighted and angry and god knows what, and you are entitled to all those feelings. They're yours, feel them however you like.

 

Aside from TELLING you about it - Which she likely felt guilty over as it was so soon after the break-up. It's easy to feel like you're 'cheating' - It sounds like she was just off-laying some guilt. I don't think there was anything malicious seeming, but you know her best - What has she done so wrong that you would lose respect and trust FOR her? Frankly, she's entitled to kiss whomever she wants. Again, I'll agree that her telling you was totally inappropriate and I could see you being upset with it.

 

I can understand you urging her to get counseling as well. Hopefully that is something she actively pursues, as that IS a big emotional burden to carry around, unsorted. But I really cannot understand this ultimatum about not dating anyone else. Why should YOU go ahead and do as you please in the dating department, but she's got to stick to this celibacy rule in order for you to regain trust in her? You two are broken up. You are now in NC. Both of you can do as you please. Denying her a dating life helps you regain trust, how?

 

If she thinks you two can be together sometime down the line, well why not, check back with each other in 6 months and see where it's at, if you two still click, if your issues are resolveable. But this ultimatum is controlling, at best. If you really want her to be happy, you would not put unrealistic stipulations on her in a 6 month period where you two won't even be speaking to each other.

 

You're totally entitled to not want her in your life anymore, if that's your desire. You have that freedom. Allow her to have hers. I can only imagine the resentment that will build in these 6 months that she finds out you are out there, dating, and she has to be a nun in order to be allowed back into your life.

[Mr Man]

That's just it, we both always said how important truth and honesty is in a relationship. I am very pleased she told me the truth, I'm just not pleased with what the truth is. She knows it would have tainted our over-all relationship by not telling me the truth, that's why she told me, and I'm glad she did. She absolutely DID NOT do this for mallicious reasons, that is not in her nature.

 

You say - she's entitled to kiss who she wants. YES! I agree. definitely. My position is that if she gets with someone else during our separation, she can't be part of my life; it hurts too much. I'm simply stating fact, the horrible mental images will always be there and I won't want to be intimate with her again. In addition, trust - I still feel disrespected and cheated on. As a lover, because she let this guy into her emotional personal life while we were together. As a friend, because she KNEW SHE WAS GOING TO BE HONEST WITH ME, but she did it anyway. I'm not saying she thought it through - clearly she didn't. But she tripped up and shattered my already vulnerable heart.

 

You're right, I'm well within my rights never to see her again and that's what exactly what i said I wanted. She cried and pleaded not to do that, I felt bad for her so I gave her the opportunity to be part of my life - under one condition that would help her, and another condition that is unrealistic but that will keep the doors of reconciliation partially open.

 

Yes I want her back(ish), but I need to get over her ASAP for my own health. Not being in touch I think is the best way to do that, just accept and let go. No 'what ifs'. It's worth mentioning, i've never been controlling before, this is the only time.

[catfeeder]

Classic rebound. Trapped person uses another to get over a bad relationship. Once she feels better and more confident she wants to explore the world of men. She steps over rebound guy, thanking him for his kindness, then goes off to play.

 

Don't stick around to keep being that guy. It won't get you what you want.

 

Don't set yourself up to 'rescue' anyone from their own problems again. It will only get you to the same place. People who play emotional red cross get thanked and moved past in the same way nobody needs their doctors and nurses after they've been healed.

[Mr Man]

Classic rebound. Trapped person uses another to get over a bad relationship. Once she feels better and more confident she wants to explore the world of men. She steps over rebound guy, thanking him for his kindness, then goes off to play.

 

Don't stick around to keep being that guy. It won't get you what you want.

 

Don't set yourself up to 'rescue' anyone from their own problems again. It will only get you to the same place. People who play emotional red cross get thanked and moved past in the same way nobody needs their doctors and nurses after they've been healed.

 

Maybe you're right, maybe not. People don't normally get infatuated, give their virginity to and fall deeply in love with a rebound do they?

[Cheetarah]

I don't understand your mentality of being unable to possibly be with an ex who has been with someone else during the time frame you weren't together - But that's ok, I don't need to get it. That is most certainly your prerogative(though I do think that you might be a bit biased right now since the break up is very fresh, your mind could change later).

 

If that's what you wanted...To be done...Then that is what you NEED to do. Feeling bad for her is like indicating she's some pity case - Something she may or may not want people to view her as - But nonetheless, she is not one, she's a grown woman. I keep seeing this theme in your posts about how she 'needs' you so bad and such, and I think that this can easily get blurred into what is love vs. what is need. You sort of swooped in and attempted a 'save' on her. There's a degree of dysfunction in these types of relationships. I do agree that NC is best, and even better in this situation. 6 months is a decent portion of time and by then you may not even want to open up the door again.

[Betweenthebars]

Maybe you're right, maybe not. People don't normally get infatuated, give their virginity to and fall deeply in love with a rebound do they?

 

I did, once. Without the virginity part. But I guess it's not too common.

[catfeeder]

Maybe you're right, maybe not. People don't normally get infatuated, give their virginity to and fall deeply in love with a rebound do they?

 

Sure, for as long as it's useful. Getting involved with anyone who's already in a relationship or freshly broken up sets you up as the rescue prince for as long as the fantasy lasts. But once you heal a wounded person, the rest of the world awaits. So don't do that. Hold out for someone who's healthy and stable and confident enough to meet you on higher ground, and then you can trust that you're their first choice above all others--not the first responder who's no longer needed once the crisis has passed.

[PaintWithLight]

Sure, for as long as it's useful. Getting involved with anyone who's already in a relationship or freshly broken up sets you up as the rescue prince for as long as the fantasy lasts. But once you heal a wounded person, the rest of the world awaits. So don't do that. Hold out for someone who's healthy and stable and confident enough to meet you on higher ground, and then you can trust that you're their first choice above all others--not the first responder who's no longer needed once the crisis has passed.

 

Exactly! You were not her selection, just the first responder. When she was strong enough, she voiced the desire to begin to date and have some space to see what was out there. You reacted badly since she was your "save" and your project, you felt that somehow gave you special rights to her. I think you need to reassess your situation. You "acquired" her when she was very down and vulnerable. Your over the top reaction to a simple kiss shows that you have self esteem issues as well.

 

I wonder if the fact she was wounded and very reliant on you was a huge attraction for you. And now, when you may have to win her heart all over again against competition, you are pulling out the emotional obligations she "owes" to you. Let her go and learn the lessons that this has taught you. Find someone who is your equal and you do not need to run the Pygmalion project with. It will be a much happier experience for you, I promise!

[Mr Man]

Sure, for as long as it's useful. Getting involved with anyone who's already in a relationship or freshly broken up sets you up as the rescue prince for as long as the fantasy lasts. But once you heal a wounded person, the rest of the world awaits. So don't do that. Hold out for someone who's healthy and stable and confident enough to meet you on higher ground, and then you can trust that you're their first choice above all others--not the first responder who's no longer needed once the crisis has passed.

 

So by that logic, this guy who she kissed (who she laughs at the notion of being in love with or seeing anything meaningful with) is also a rebound? She fell in love with me welllll before she was even thinking about breaking up with the ex who abused her. NO HOW CAN I BE A STUPID REBOUND NO NO NO! lol

[catfeeder]

Who knows how many rebounds she'll keep having? It's not your job to figure her out, it's your job to look out for yourself. Playing her social worker won't get you what you want. You can delude yourself about having some special claim on her, but sticking around to act as her safety net while she tries out other guys is pretty pathetic and won't earn her respect. She'll just keep dangling enough carrots to keep you interested in being her backup guy--until you figure it out.

 

Why not skip that and figure it out now?

[Mr Man]

This is a really interesting post. I'll try and be egoless in my response to help me understand this better.

 

I don't think it's fair to say I was her first responder and not her choice as she had fallen in love with me very early on, well before the actual break up. She pursued me far more than I pursued her. When we were together she always said I was 'out of her league'; I hate that sort of shallow sentiment, but it probably is true, from an outside perspective, in many regards.

 

Yes, I felt I had special rights to her, but she was the woman I loved. Doesn't everybody feel they have special rights to their partner?

 

However, I must admit, perhaps regrettably, that I certainly feel strongly empowered by being a protector in all of life - so perhaps, yes, I think her woundedness was attractive in the sense I was her knight in shining armour. Is that really bad? But this absolutely was not the central attraction. There really has to be something special about a woman for me to be attracted to her, an aura and a depth. As an individual, I feel compelled to be exterior to what the norm is - I really hate passionless and shallowness.

 

Regarding the apparent self esteem issue raised... Of course I feel a blow to my self esteem - my girlfriend has dumped me and kissed another man. Wouldn't anyone feel a blow to their self esteem after that? How would you react? I do feel she owes me something, she owes me the consideration not to hurt me any more than she has to - In my objective opinion, I think if you care for someone who you trust and who has been good to you, and you think it through, you won't hurt them for an admittedly petty, meaningless short-term pleasure. I don't believe she did it out of spite, but she didn't think it through which questions her reliability as a friend and ally.

 

I'm not sure if you're implying that perhaps I'm egotistically threatened by the competition? But perhaps in a few minor ways, I am. But who wouldn't be under these circumstances? But I'm not threatened by him in terms of my worth, I'm very confident in who I am, I certainly wouldn't want to be him! I chose to present her with part 2 of the ultimatum because I feel I deserve far better than what she is offering. - I mean this with humbleness, but I get a fair amount of attention from women anyway, so why should I just be some fool who she can dump and pick up at her own convenience when she wants to 'test the waters'? I've got plenty close, loving, reliable friends, why should I put up with someone who doesn't even consider that their actions could really hurt me?

 

Regarding the notion of her being my 'Pygmalion Project'. This is interesting. We are VERY different in some ways, but VERY similar in others. Culturally, she's middle-eastern and a Muslim, I'm British and a Pantheist. We have quite a few differing opinions, but we deeply share the same over-all values and ethics. But I LOVED how she was different, culturally. I tend to be attracted to S.E Asian, Arab and Persian women in particular. I never began to dislike any of her rooted cultural differences, and I'd have been disappointed if they had changed. I think the only way we changed each other was sexually in terms of 'I like that, can we try it!' But to most, that's a healthy sex-life!

 

Thanks for your post, it made me think about some interesting things!

[Mr Man]

Who knows how many rebounds she'll keep having? It's not your job to figure her out, it's your job to look out for yourself. Playing her social worker won't get you what you want. You can delude yourself about having some special claim on her, but sticking around to act as her safety net while she tries out other guys is pretty pathetic and won't earn her respect. She'll just keep dangling enough carrots to keep you interested in being her backup guy--until you figure it out.

 

Why not skip that and figure it out now?

 

lol like I said, I have nooooooooooooo intention of sticking around. She had her chance, she blew it. Part 2 of the ultimatum is unrealistic for a reason, even if she makes it, it's incredibly unlikely I'll be giving her another chance as a lover, but possibly a friend if it suits me. I am absolutely NOT her safety net, she knows that. What's done is done, I'm just interested in what peoples insights and responses are to the situation.

[SeekFortitude]

Maybe you're right, maybe not. People don't normally get infatuated, give their virginity to and fall deeply in love with a rebound do they?

 

Why not? Its infatuation as you said. Nothing more. You were her hero (temporarily). You were a rebound for sure. I just got out of this kind of relationship. I was the rescuer. What a huge mistake. When she got her confidence back and felt better, she thanked me for "giving her so much" and dumped my f--king arse. Same as you. You were a rebound. Don't let your ego deny it.

[Mr Man]

Why not? Its infatuation as you said. Nothing more. You were her hero (temporarily). You were a rebound for sure. I just got out of this kind of relationship. I was the rescuer. What a huge mistake. When she got her confidence back and felt better, she thanked me for "giving her so much" and dumped my f--king arse. Same as you. You were a rebound. Don't let your ego deny it.

 

I'm completely open to accepting the truth, no matter what it is. We were friends for about 6 months before we got together. In that time she fell in love with me and pursued the friendship more and more. I began to aquire feelings for her. Her ex was an arranged-marriage type. She was genuinely attracted to me, I wasn't just the 'first thing that came along'. She told me she had fallen in love with me before we even kissed and she was scared because she was being forced into marrying someone she didn't love. Several times she tried staying away from me becuase she loved me, but with no avail, the longest she stayed away was literally a few hours! She couldn't bear to let me go. We kissed and started to have an affair while she was still arranged to marry this guy. This lasted for about 2 months. She found it very, very difficult to break up with him due to pressure from her family - I was the only one who knew the truth. I advised her, like I would ANYONE in that situation, to leave him for obvious reasons. She did and we officially got together. Yes, leaving someone to be with someone else just for comfort is a rebound. But a rebound can be ANYONE, I'm certainly not just anyone to her or the first thing available to her. I'm not sticking my head in the sand, it's a fact.

 

I think it's a combination of things that caused this. Firstly, it became a semi-LDR, we're about an hour apart. For financial reasons, we didn't see eachother for about 2 months, but spoke on the phone every night. Secondly, I was in a mess; for the first time in my life, I wasn't really in control and was leaning on her for emotional support (not very attractive). And thirdly, I think it's a 'grass is greener' type thing too.

[meoww]

grass-is-greener types are better avoided anyway, no matter how amazing they are, because you are only in for a lot of pain in the future. She might just have this character flaw.

...and I agree that LDR's are really difficult for most people, the worry/paranoia alone can be a relationship killer.

 

I'm sure you are a wonderful person, and that part of the fallout can be accounted for due to these circumstances beyond your control.

 

However, you and I both know it's pretty much over for now. Just let it lie, it's already become too complicated. As difficult as it is, leave this one open ended (even if you initiate NC) and let yourself date and care for other people. You may not forget her, and you might try again if circumstances are better, but it's likely you'll change and so will she.

 

And she kissed someone!! I don't know, she might be attracted to you but she's capable of doing that without thinking about you in the moment...you might not understand what it's like to be in her shoes but you couldn't do that to her could you? Seems like you need to find a partner who cares about you just as much as you care about them.

[SeekFortitude]

dude the girl I was with was really attracted to me. I was not the first thing that came along either, but I don't think I ever had her heart. If I did she would not have left so soon. It seemed like love, but it was mere infatuation with the situation. I was not anyone and you were not either, but at the end of the day they still used us and I really don't think their heart was ever really in it otherwise they would not suddenly split.

[Mr Man]

dude the girl I was with was really attracted to me. I was not the first thing that came along either, but I don't think I ever had her heart. If I did she would not have left so soon. It seemed like love, but it was mere infatuation with the situation. I was not anyone and you were not either, but at the end of the day they still used us and I really don't think their heart was ever really in it otherwise they would not suddenly split.

 

People are complex, though. I think you're oversimplifying people's emotions and situations. I KNOW I had her heart, her soul and her passion - I'm not being blind or stupid, it's the egoless reality. We were romantically together for just under a year and officially together for 7 months, rebounds don't normally last that long.

 

From what I've read, people don't just suddenly split unless an actual event has happened to prompt it. But sometimes it can feel like it's happened suddenly if she doesn't articulate her thoughts and feelings properly while she is beginning to have doubts - she just waits until breaking point. I'm in this situation. The vibrant spark went out because we hadn't seen each other in a long while (2 and a half months!), I was in a mess (not attractive), I was distracted, I was being distant and unenthusiastic becuase of my distractions, I wasn't being there for her as I should have been and I wasn't showing her my true appreciation for her. For those reasons, we became a stagnent pool of love instead of the flowing fresh water of loving vibrancy we were. It doesn't matter how close a couple are, those things are going to make the relaitionship feel temporarily 'dry'. Under those circumstances, if a woman is shown appreciation from someone/anyone, she's bound to get curious and some will actually explore that curiosity. I know her well, and while I was just too distracted to see what was happening while it was happening, I know the other guy is just someone/ anyone she is using to fill the void. She's using him to run away from the hurt she's feeling at the moment and to get the attention she is craving - that's certainly not what I was.

[meoww]

yeah but if you try and win her back now she's not going to buy it. You're old hat now, damaged goods. Anyone else has a better chance by default because they don't have that history with her.

[Mr Man]

yeah but if you try and win her back now she's not going to buy it. You're old hat now, damaged goods. Anyone else has a better chance by default because they don't have that history with her.

 

Yeh you're right. I don't feel in love with her now anyway, it's just a heavy, not very nice feeling that wouldn't go away even if she came crawling back. I'm kind of glad this has happened anyway because it's motivated me to get out of my rut and sort myself out! Life is funny sometimes!

[Javito1986]

I'm more of a browsing type of guy these days but I'm going to hop in here because I think most of the people responding to you have been dead wrong. Mr Man you need to take into consideration firstly that you know your relationship and your girl better than anyone here is going to, so take individual opinions with a grain of salt since it's hard to give relationship advice that isn't tainted by your own negative experiences.

 

Anyway, I don't think you were a rebound at all. That's the wrong way to look at it. You were there for her as a friend and then that developed into something a lot more. Just from what you've said, you haven't done anything but be her man and take care of her, which is what you should have been doing. The issue here is with her. I'm not sure why she strayed, it's very possible she's seriously confused and emotionally damaged. People like that make stupid mistakes. I know she's regretting like hell what she did.

 

When you ACTUALLY are in love with someone you're not going to want to even think about that person sharing any kind of emotional bond with anyone else but you. That's your private territory. She screwed up bad by kissing another guy. I know some people will say "Oh you were broken up", but hello it was like a few days after.

 

Here's reality: you don't end a loving relationship with words. Just because she says she's breaking up with you, that means exactly nothing. You still share the same bond - when you don't, that's when the real break up occurs. You can't take a vocal breakup from a girl like that seriously because they're just not stable emotionally. I mean wow, if I had had a panic attack each time my wife "broke up with me" in emotional fit when we were dating that would have been pointless. But taking that serioiusly and going and messing with someone else... NOW you're the one who's messed up the relationship. See the difference?

 

P.S. to anyone who disagrees: the above only applies to couples that are actually in love.

 

Things would have been fine if she'd calmed down, but instead she went and made a BIG mistake. Does that mean she wasn't as bonded to you as you are to her? MAYBE, or it could just be the big mistake of a damaged girl. Time will tell.

 

The ultimatum was harsh, six months is a long time to torture someone, but I get it and you know what? It's fine. When you love someone you don't let them go. All that "oh I love them so much that I can say goodbye" is a bunch of b.s., if that person is your soul mate who complements you in every facet and with whom you feel compelled to give your entire life to, you're not going to let them go anywhere.

 

If she's serious then she'll do what she can to repair your relationship, and she will comply with whatever demand you make. You're not being unreasonable, it's not like you ordered her to be your lifelong sex slave and make you sandwiches in the nude. If she loves you then she will have no problem at all complying with those requirements, and if she does she'll deserve a second chance from you so by all means give it to her.

 

If not though then she wasn't in love with you and in the future you need to be more careful about who you commit your heart to.

 

Ball's in her court I'd say.