i hate my boyfriend..Yet im too depressed to leave..Advice?

[brokenheartedone]

Hey all,

 

I really feel nothing for my boyfriend of 2 years. I havent for a very long time. He is so boring and dull, amongst many other things. I have only really just realized how i feel nothing for him, and that i get nothing out of this relationship. I feel like im wasting my youth and potential being around him. Sometimes he is ok, just the typical old bore. Sometimes i really really dislike him. I never feel anything more for him. He drives me insane and lately i just wish i hadnt met him. The problem is i may be co-dependant. And i am quite depressed. I feel i have nothing at all, no money or motivation to leave. I have nothing in life. So really, what does it matter if i stay with him? At least i wont be as bored. Thats basically all that it is. I dont really know what else to say. I have chronic depression, my relationship is useless, and this person i am with - i really dont like and bores the hell out of me. I am so bored and feel so hopeless with life, that i stay with him. What else do i have? I feel so massively hopeless and demotivated to even wash my clothes, or get out of bed. I cant lift a finger anymore. I wear the same clothes everyday. I waste all my money on gambling. I sit on my ass everyday in front of the computer or sleeping. I study at college, yet i dont attend all classes and have not studied a single thing all year. Im serious when i say i cannot lift a finger to do anything anymore. I am quite underweight, smoke like a chimney (even though i really want to quit,but i cant stick to anything for more than 5 minutes) etc etc etc. Have bad family issues, anxiety and panic attacks, trauma and personality disorders etc etc. I am quite physically and mentally unwell.

 

I am also confused. Due to all my ailments, is this the reason i dislike and feel nothing for my boyfriend? Or do i just genuinely dislike him, ailments aside? I really dont know. I tend to worry myself to death. So, if i didnt have all these problems, would i still dislike the boyfriend? or would i be happy and content?

Who god dam knows..

 

Can anyone relate?Can anyone share experience and advice?

 

-I have medication and a pdoc etc. I am yet to take the new medication. I will soon. Dont see how anything can make me feel any different to how i feel now. Maybe im not ill, maybe some people are just like this? I am so fkn sick of this never ending gigantic frantic effort struggle with life and this relationship.

 

All i can do is just lay in bed. I dont even feel sad, mad, glad, bad anymore. Just numb.

[FathomFear]

Based on your description it wouldn't surprise me if both of you suffer from major depression. I mean, let's be honest here. You say that he bores you, etc, but I highly suspect you probably bore him too. When you depressed everything feels numb. You should probably focus on lifting the fog of your depression first and then go from there.

[Cheetarah]

What are your diagnoses?

 

It's difficult to say whether he truly bores the hell out of you or you are having such a rough time emotionally and mentally that absolutely nothing does anything for you - Listless, so to speak, which is really common with depression. It would be best for you to start your medications, they may help you - And if not, sometimes it takes time to find the right med cocktail.

 

In either case, I think it BEST to leave this relationship because you are only A). Harming and cheating yourself of a better life - Sometimes making a change, even if it's hard, can help you put things into perspective and get on the right track, and B). Harming him - He deserves to be with someone who appreciates him, and is not with him 'just because', for a boredom thing, or because they don't have anything else/don't want to be alone(Do you have problems with being alone?). Does he have any inkling of how you feel?

[myhonestanswer]

Spend some of the money you gamble with on therapy. Seriously. There is so much going on here you need proper one-on-one professional support. If you are studying your school might have a counselling service. I know the first step is the hardest but I really urge you to do this. You won't always feel this bad. Best of luck.

[brokenheartedone]

Based on your description it wouldn't surprise me if both of you suffer from major depression. I mean, let's be honest here. You say that he bores you, etc, but I highly suspect you probably bore him too. When you depressed everything feels numb. You should probably focus on lifting the fog of your depression first and then go from there.

 

Man, i have so many issues. I am totally angry with the thought that i bore him. That pisses me off. I have ten times what he has in any aspect, he would be a fool to say i bore him. BUT, i guess i am not showing my true potential because i am so god dam bored. What u say is very good, helping with the depression first is essential for anything else, whether it be him or life in general. Both i am massively struggling with. I just cant explain how i feel. It is the most horrible feeling. I wish i could show u how i feel. I feel like an idiot for even complaining.

 

tbh, i am scared of these new meds. If you look up remeron - you will see why. On the good side, they are ONE OF THE BEST drugs ever for the problems i have. They are closer to a wonder drug than anyone anti-depressant etc. But, i have panic disorder. And anything makes me feel as if i am gonna die. I am so scared of taking these new meds, even though i know how amazingly beneficial they could be.

[brokenheartedone]

Thank you for your response. I tell him how i feel. I think he doesnt really take me seriously. Or understand the seriousness of my situation. I dont really let on about how messed up i really am. They said i had bipolar at one stage. I used to get very depressed, but then very optimistic. That was ages ago. Now every single day is nothing but guilt, fear, worry, paranoia, complex's, bad sleep, bad eating, scared, sad, doubt, lots of depression, many strange feelings, confusion, never can make up my mind, very lazy. Its like all i care about is gambling. Not even drinking. I only drink when i gamble. And if i dont have money to gamble, then i coudlnt be bothered drinking. The only real thing that gets me out of bed in the morning is the promise of a cigarette and coffee. If i dont have money for smokes, then there is basically no point in doing anything./and i must get smokes everyday. Everything seems so amazingly overwhelming and i have a to do list that reaches for miles. All i can do is think about it. I cant do any of these things i want. I dont know what is going on.

[brokenheartedone]

Spend some of the money you gamble with on therapy. Seriously. There is so much going on here you need proper one-on-one professional support. If you are studying your school might have a counselling service. I know the first step is the hardest but I really urge you to do this. You won't always feel this bad. Best of luck.

 

Well i have the medication ready to go. I feel that this is all i really need, and knowing my old self, once the meds start to work i can talk myself into being better. Like my own therapist. I wont lie, i really am not going to go to a therapist anymore. Its too much of an effort and i really dont know where to start. Couldnt be bothered. This new medication called remeron seems that it will fix everything anyway.

[brokenheartedone]

Ive been like this bad for about a year. But i feel like i am in denial. Like i am just being stupid and this isnt really happening. But i always still feel this way. Does it really sound like i need help or am i just doubting myself. I have my meds ready to do. Maybe i dont need them and everything will sort itself out. It just seems like a never ending limbo of waste and nothingness.

[Cheetarah]

I totally understand what you mean in regards to being afraid to take meds - I am so that way. I got a prescription for Ativan, to take as needed(for panic attacks), back in March. It took me until June to take one and then when I did, I crumbled it and took 30 minutes to finish it...After staring at it for like 3 hours. I understand the fear. I would suggest, when you take it, to be around someone when you do it. I felt like my throat was closing up after I took it, so I freaked out and thought I was having an adverse reaction. I realized that was a pretty rare occurrence, and reminded myself that's EXACTLY how my throat feels when I am having a panic attack. The muscles constrict in reaction to the anxiety. It would be good to chart your panic attack symptoms as well so you have something to draw it against when you take your medicines.

 

You say you have a pdoc but do you go to therapy as well?

 

Things don't sort themselves out without action. Whether it be the proper medication and therapy combo, life changes, etc. Waiting around for things to just 'get better' without being proactive is impossible. Your issues are snowballing, and the longer you 'wait and see' and maintain the same hopelessness without action, the worse it will get for you.

 

What I think is good about meds is that they serve as a 'kickstart'. They don't make it all better, but they clear a little bit of the rubble from the path by stabilizing your moods/reducing your anxiety and make it easier to address other issues, and learn other methods of coping with depression and anxiety

[DN]

I think you need to see a competent psychiatrist as soon as possible. It does seem that you have major depression. I also think you need to leave your boyfriend because staying in this relationship is short-changing both of you. You need to get yourself sorted out and he deserves a girlfriend who loves him and isn't essentially using him.

[catfeeder]

If you're not living with him, then it would take zero effort to leave the relationship. Just stop seeing him. And start seeing a therapist.

[Mellie]

I agree with the other posters. You can take paracetamol to numb a pain, but if you have a persistent pain, you need to get to the root of the problem to cure it, not just block it out. Personally I'm pretty shocked that a doctor would recommend medication without therapy. You need to work through the problem not just mask it.

 

I would take meds as a last resort. I would see a good therapist (and have) in a heartbeat.

[glgm0123]

hey

 

i saw your post and i seem to have same problem as you. I don't know what to do, i know is wrong what am doing... i just made an appt. with a doctor

I want things to get better sooo bad...

i wanted to know how you are doing? have you broken up with him?

im sorry if im asking too much personal questions

but im just trying to put myself together based on other ppl experience

 

thanks

[Thorshammer]

My ex left me, and her depression was a big scar in our relationship. It was hard to be with her. She became very agitated, but i never gave up, until she dumped me. I am a little angry that I never gave up on her, when her last ex's did, they flat-out left her for other women. I could have given up a long time ago, i have been just as sexually frustrated as her, her depression was rubbing off on me. Now she is distracting herself with her 20 new friends, and she doesnt have to keep telling me how is too dependent on me, how she is losing herself, and how i dont care about her.

 

You need to communicate with your ex about this. Tell him what you wrote to us, and focus on yourself.