devastated... will it ever stop hurting??

[Misinformed]

For about the umpteenth time I have been dooped. This last time, I gave it my all. I knew him 15 years ago. We dated, he gave me a card that I held on to all these years. We both married had a child and went our own ways. We reconnected last September, with a whirl wind romance we/I fell head over heels in Love with this man. I devoted all I had, invested every last bit of me into him. He had some serious warning signs, such as leaving. Yes leaving. He would leave for a week at a time, saying he was suicidal, he had so much guilt from his past. He would go spend his cheques and quit his job and live in the mountains for a time. Always coming back. I believed him every time, and at one point he went to the hospital seeking help. I believed him. His ex wife, who he never divorced, saying he would... moved 9 hours away with his daughter. I knew this broke him. He loves his daughter but kept very close contact with the ex. Telling me it was all just about the child, but would delete texts and the calls from his phone. Although I knew in my heart what was happening... I still chose to believe. I still gave will all I had. Tried and tried to make him feel. He never did. One day 10 days ago upon my return of a camping trip I came to a letter. A rather cold letter saying he wasn't sorry that he knew I had heard that enough in my life, but he had to go to where his one love was and that was his daughter. Although his ex was kind enough to send me the emails between the two of them that stated he regretted not working on their marriage harder. He is now gone. Sent me an email telling me to NEVER contact him again. I don't even care that he owes me money. That was just my way to contact him to try to make him feel something.. I hurt more than I hurt when my ex left me. How could he use me the way he did and make love to me three days before?? And just leave, with no emotion?? No contact, nothing. And WHY do I wish for him to contact me? I'm so confused. I wake up in the night panicking. My doctor has prescribed me both sleeping pills and Ativan for my anxiety. How long will I hurt. Will I ever feel the same again? I have been given some reading on Sociopath behaviors. I am not a physiologist.. I went to a Councillor, I told her that I want to tell him how bad he hurt me. She was so powerful in what she asked me. She said "Do you think he will care"? I know the answer, if he cared, he wouldn't have lived with me as long as he did only to have saved up enough to move away. I am shattered. I need to stop focusing on what he did to me, and figure out why I allowed it and why I miss him so much. Will he ever contact me again? And why is it I care?

[Tigerfan]

Wow, I'm really sorry for what happened and for your pain. Heartbreak is the WORST kind of pain there is. It's deep and debilitating. I wish I had answers for you. Will he contact you again? Who knows, but if he did, would you be able to trust anything he says? Why do you care? Because you have a lot of love to give. Your heart is open to loving deeply and that is a good thing. I know you are hurting. So am I. All we can do is take one day at a time and keep going and live by faith that things WILL get better in time.

[Misinformed]

Thank you Tigerfan. Its wonderful to have someone understand for a change, and not just tell me to let it go. I am so tired of hearing this. I cant just let it go. I am sorry you are hurting as well. I dont know your story. But for you to have signed on to this site, it must be painful. I cleaned his pictures off my computer tonight and put them into a separate file. I doubt it will help. But in the mean time it made me feel better. No I couldnt trust him. I just want to know he cares. But I know that answer. I just hate that he doesnt.

[Tigerfan]

You can read my story. I started a thread. We broke up 4 days ago. I was ok with it when it happened, even a bit relieved, but the weekend is kicking my butt (we spent almost every weekend together for the last year). I am missing her a lot.