Just a moment of weakness...

[Stan1009]

So my LDR ex broke up with me back in march this year (For reasons she's not completely upfront about, supposedly the distance but while it certainly played a part in her decision i know there is more to it and it was a convenient excuse), We've been keeping contact. mostly just chat on msn but almost daily and talk on skype sometimes. recently she went on vacation for 20 days, and while she has been there we've been talking on the phone pretty much every days. i've avoided talking about us, how much i miss her and so on, but i had a moment of weakness, and after talking on the phone for 25 mins or so and keeping it to myself i sent her a long sms :

"You know i tend to keep how i feel to myself lately. But it's still so painful. always thought what we had was special and so strong and definitely worth saving. you're everything to me, seeing how feelings can change hurts and every day is still a struggle I hate it because i know how i feel for you is to last forever, and feeling deprived of your love is all i have to look forward to now and it makes me feel empty. I may find contentment in other things, but my heart will always have this emptiness. I just miss you and your love in ways beyond imagination, and just wish i could reignite that spark in you"

 

She just replied as i was typing this post :

"You know that you will always be special to me...always...nothing can change that. Hugggs"

 

I feel like she friend-zoned me (If you can even call it that, because for many things she treat me like less than a friend now), but yet she keeps saying feelings are still there (Except today she kind of implied feelings are long gone...she's inconsistent), i'm very important to her, keeps saying thanks for always being there for her, and always want me to call her lately just to talk for no particular reasons.

It's messing with my mind how not upfront she is with everything, how unconsistent she is and how her words never match her actions.

I don't even feel like i have had any proper closure with her, she just left me with a milion unanswered questions, and i don't get how she can go from basically loving me more than i can imagine (her words) to just feel indiferent then the next day without me having done anything for it.

The day she decided to break up with me, she didn't even want to take the time to have a proper talk about it. she was at work, and told me it on msn in between being busy doing her work with no explanation and that was that. I felt like being thrown like garbage.

Only a few days later we talked, and she was basically saying she loves me, i'm the best BF she could ever wish for, but it's an impossible situation etc.

The whole time since then she has said things implying that she still has these feelings for me, giving me false hopes etc, but then act like the complete opposite, often being unconsiderate, sometimes mean and even obnoxious. She has been acting the complete opposite of what i've known of her the whole time we were together.

2 months later she was in another relationship, meanwhile she had still been saying feelings are still there. she only told me about it 2 months later tho...when they brokeup. She told me about him, and i had to hear her say how she miss him, it was her decision but it still hurt, and for the next 2 days I had to hear about all this. Imagining her in another man's arms, kissing and what not...it was terribly painful, i felt physically sick, I literaly threw up and was unable to eat for the next few days. Still, it was my decision to listen to her and be there for her so i can't blame it on her. but while i don't think bad of her to get in another relationship and do wish her to be happy even if that's without me, a part of me can't help but to feel her feelings must not have been half as what she claimed to jump in another relationship after just 2 months...but what did i expect, she's the one that dumped me after all.

Oh also i found out she joined a dating site shortly after we broke up, one that mostly leads to european or US - asian LDRs, so much for the distance.

There has been a lot more things, but i don't feel like writing a 500 pages novel...

 

I don't even know how to feel anymore. I love her with all my heart, and she's not a bad person by any mean. I guess in a way i can only blame myself for failing to keep her interested in me, and i'm angry at myself that i took everything she ever said literaly and believed our love would last.

I'm not even resentful that she decided to breakup even if a part of me has had a hard time to accept it, but...I don't know, there is just too much. from everything she ever said to me prior to the breakup, and then her suddenly changing and not being upfront about anything, to her giving me false hopes and saying i mean so much to her but yet treat me like i'm worthless and her lying about some obvious things lately for no apparent reasons.

All i know is all this has hurt me too much, and it will leave scars for the rest of my life.

[DN]

I think you should assume the relationship is over, stop contact with her, ask her to stop contacting you and start the moving on process. It may be the dealing with the consequnces of her decision will make her think twice but don't assume it will - assume it won't and move on.

[Stan1009]

I already assumed the relationship is over, i do not think she ever will see me as more than a friend at best anymore. but that's what's painful, when not that long ago she was still talking like she loves me more than i can imagine, i'm everything she could ever wish for, i'm one of the few things that makes her feel life is trully worth living etc. hell i still remember when we had an argument once she called me after while she was at work, being in tears and saying sorry to have overreacted and she asked me to promise her to never let her go, that she dont want to ever lose me...(of course i said i'd never let her go...and i never would have, she is the girl i wanted to spend a lifetime with)

I don't understand how some people can just suddenly switch off their feelings like that i guess, as it's not like i have ever done anything to hurt her or something, in fact i always treated her like a princess, i've always been very thoughtfull and atentionate with her, and id be uncapable to treat her any other way, i love her too much.

It's difficult because she is really special to me and we always got along so well (She say so even herself still now), i've never been like that with anyone and felt so close, she was what i would have called my soul mate and felt like we were unseparable (Obviously not now...), she was everything to me.

And all that happened after the breakup only made it harder.

I guess i'll have to completely stop contacts with her eventually anyways. right now she's single, suposedly but that wont last long and I'm not that strong enough to watch on the side line and pretend everything is ok while she's in another man's arms.

[mr_zanon]

DN is correct: get away from her. It's the best for you.

[DailyDreamer]

Hi Stan. Boy, can I ever relate to your situation. I was in an LDR with someone who said all the right things to me, only to shock me by saying they wished to break up. I was told I was the only one they wished to be with forever, among numerous other wonderful lovey things. Then it all blew up in my face and I never got decent closure. After the break-up, I hear from her every now and again, getting an "I miss you" or a drunken "I love you," but actions speak louder than words and I find myself making the only true effort in anything. From the lack of communication I receive, with her only contacting me when she needs advice or just to talk, but easily ignores anything I send first...my forgiveness can only go so long. I'm bitter and angry all the time due to her and it wears and tears on me because generally, I'm not like that. I'm usually a friendly, happy social person.

 

Basically what I'd like to suggest is try to initiate NC and see what happens. Easier said than done because I'm too weak to fully go NC myself. Having little contact is painful enough, but I am almost pushed to that full NC level.

 

It just sounds like your ex is keeping you around if she can't find someone better. That's my guess with how you've been treated and you sound like you deserve far far better than that.

 

I wish you all my best so good luck to you and take care.

[Injured Lion]

I too was in a relationship that I thought would last forever. I thought she was the one for me. We were really happy and we both cherished each other. So I was devastated when she decided to end it. It felt like someone pulled the rug right beneath my feet and left my world upside down. I know how exactly how you feel.

 

From my experience keeping contact when you still have strong feeling for her will only cause you more pain. It doesn't help you move on and heal properly. I know its hard not to initiate NC because it feels like if you initiate it that she may see it as if you don't care about her anymore or you're taking the break up in a bad way, but you have to do it. If not, you're just going to hurt yourself. You need to give yourself some space and time away from her. You need to remind yourself that she no longer wants a relationship with you and that there is no second chance. You have to accept it and continue to life your life without her. This will not be the end for you. Keep your chin up and keep walking until you reach the end the tunnel. I know its dark and seems endless, but you will get there, trust me.

 

Feel free to PM anytime and I'll try to help you as much as I can.

[Mellie]

I was in a 3 year LDR. My ex broke up with me a couple of months ago. He wanted to be friends, but if I tried to talk about the relationship, he was out of there. So out of there he is and out of there I think he will stay. We've not been in contact for a month now.

 

You know, all the polite, meaningless chit chat - it is just that. You may as well be talking to a stranger (except that would be better, because if they start talking about their love life, you're not going to give two hoots). I can understand that you miss her - I can completely relate - but the fact is, she's gone already. You can talk about the weather as much as you like but it isn't going to change the situation. I don't know what her motives are - maybe it's the flattery of knowing you're still waiting - maybe she is uncertain - maybe she wants to wean herself off you slowly. But I, like most others here, would cut her off. I don't think you're going to be able to move on until you do this, and ultimately that's what you need to do.

 

If there's another guy involved and she's actually telling you this, then hanging around on the offchance she should deign to change her mind and choose you again isn't what I'd call a Plan A. Think about it. How many times have you told someone you love you're breaking up with them, then followed it up a few weeks later letting them know you're seeing someone else? When you're in love with someone, most of us would walk over hot coals to make the other one happy, not deliberately set out to hurt them. Telling you how she misses another man isn't just insensitive. It's callous. I don't see what's to be gained from clinging onto a "friendship" that's forced and insincere at best and soul destroying to you at worst.

[Stan1009]

-DailyDreamer

That sounds very similar to my situation, and i certainly can relate to "with her only contacting me when she needs advice or just to talk, but easily ignores anything I send first" , in fact yesterday is the first time since we broke up that she reply to any sms i send. not that i send much tho, but once in a while i send one, just being friendly and she will ignore it.

I do not think she's keeping me around if she can't find someone better tho. She doesn't have any romantic feelings toward me at all anymore, but i'm the only one she can talk to about pretty much anything, the one she knows will always listen to her because despite everything i care very much about her. Beside there is guys more attractive than me in every ways flirting with her all the time, no reason to keep me around for that.

 

-Injured Lion

It's indeed very hard to innitiate NC. I miss her so much already with having limited contacts, and the thought of her being completely out of my life is frightening but i know that it will have to come to this sooner or later but i'm definitely not looking forward to it.

Although it's painful that she's not the same anymore with me, and it's a constant reminder of everything she used to say and the broken promises. but when i'm talking with her, even tho she makes me angry at times and feel frustrated, it's the only time i feel somewhat ok...there is something soothing about hearing her voice.

Beside, i care a lot about her. whenever she's hurt, i feel literaly in pain too. I know i have to think about myself first, and it's not like she really need me, but a part of me always want to be there for her. it's not like i force myself to be there for her tho, it's really just that i like being there for her.

 

-Mellie

It's just really that in a way it's true, i'm special to her...just not in the way id want to be, and she do want to keep a small place for me in her life. I guess the saying "Nice guys finish last" is right.

She only told me she miss him because she was feeling down, and i told her it's ok she can talk to me, i'm the one that decided to listen to her. Actually she said its not really like that, it's just that she got used to this routine, basically downplaying it, i'm not naive tho, but at no point she said anything to hurt me. some things she said was indelicate, but again it's me that decided to listen to her.

Her reasons to break up with this guy was a bit of a slap in the face tho. In short, it's because he doesn't treat her the way i do...but yet i'm now invisible to her.

 

 

She's not a bad person tho, really she is a wonderful girl and the whole time we were together i couldn't have asked for a better GF. She has made me feel more happy than i ever did in my whole life.

She certainly isn't perfect, and after we broke up she has been very unfair to me but i can't really blame her that her feelings faded over time, it's not like its something she has control over.

Although part of me feel betrayed, because i believed in everything she used to say and trusted her...but we were 2 in this relationship, and it would be unfair to put all the blames on her. if it ended up like this, it's also because i must have failed to make her happy.

[lemsip]

-DailyDreamer

She's not a bad person tho, really she is a wonderful girl and the whole time we were together i couldn't have asked for a better GF. She has made me feel more happy than i ever did in my whole life.

She certainly isn't perfect, and after we broke up she has been very unfair to me but i can't really blame her that her feelings faded over time, it's not like its something she has control over.

Although part of me feel betrayed, because i believed in everything she used to say and trusted her...but we were 2 in this relationship, and it would be unfair to put all the blames on her. if it ended up like this, it's also because i must have failed to make her happy.

 

Can relate to all of this. Very sad we both feel this way. Take care.

[Mellie]

She's rubbing your nose in it. Why is she telling you her reasons for breaking up with this guy? Why is she even telling you about her relationship with this guy? Why is (or was) she talking to you at all when she's with another guy?

 

We're all special to our exes. Mine said he still loved me last time I spoke to him, a month after the breakup. Point is, we're not special enough, in their eyes. They don't love us enough. For some reason or other, they want out, and we have no choice but to take them at their word and let them on their way. They never are a bad person, otherwise we wouldn't have been with them in the first place. But what she's doing with you now - that ain't wonderful. And I don't solely blame her because you're allowing her to do it. Really, is she really that fantastic a person that you're prepared to accept the "small place for me in her life"? Do you not think you deserve a little more? Like when you first met, I'm presuming there was a mutual loved up vibe then. So you're willing to sacrifice experiencing that again (believe me, you can and will experience that with somebody new) just for that small place she's willing to offer? She's holding you down and you'll stay down til you cut the ties.

[Stan1009]

She told me because i asked her why she left him then, if it makes her feel so down.

She only talked to me about it after she broke up, because i was offering her emotional support i guess. again it's me that innitiated the conversation, because i feel sad when she's feeling down. I guess the logical reaction would be to stay away from it to preserve myself and let her deal with it, but it's like when i see her in pain i just want her to feel better, id take all the pain from her if i could. I can deal with the pain better than i can deal with seeing her in pain...something like that.

Do I deserve more ? Maybe. but how she feels isn't a choice, nor is how i feel.

Yes we used to be very much in love. it was not just me, it was mutual and it felt wonderful. she was always very affectionate with me, always telling me how much she loves me etc, she was spending all her time with me and whenever she was away she would text me or call me just to say she miss me. I feel a bit foolish now that i believed she loved me THAT much tho, considering she left me and moved on quickly.

I don't know if i'll experience that again, to be honest. nor do i even feel like experiencing that again with anyone but her at the moment. even if i wanted to, id be uncapable to have these feelings for anyone. and i don't ever want to be in a relationship with a girl that only ever would be a second option at best.

Part of why it felt so great with her is cause i could say id rather have her than absolutely any other girl in this world, no exception, and still be sincere.

[Mellie]

But you haven't met absolutely every other girl in this world, so how can you possibly know this to be the case?

 

I don't know. You sound like your own worst enemy. I know you don't want to be with anyone else. I haven't had contact with my ex in over a month and I still feel that way. You're right - you don't have a choice in what you feel, but you do have a choice in what you do about it. If something causes you pain, better not to keep exposing yourself to that. I like to smoke - love a ciggie, I do - but I try my damnedest not to because I know in the end it will kill me. The longer it's been since I've had one, the less I think about it.

[Stan1009]

I knew this to be the case because i couldn't have cared less if some other girl was prettier, smarter, nicer or whatever. I just loved her and she was everything i wanted. You could have given me the choice of having her or even any of these popular pretty actresses that id still would have picked her in a heart beat (Not that id ever have such choices tho, but you get the point). I just loved her because she is her, and no one can be better at being her than herself. it's very illogical, but there is nothing logical about love.

 

Anyways, yeah i know i need to stay away from her, i will have to eventually and that's unavoidable. This close friendship is just not going to work with me having strong feelings for her, i'm uncapable to be just her friend.

I think i'll talk to her when she gets back from vacation, and tell her i care a lot about her and will miss her but i need to distance myself from this. I'm sure she will understand.

[Mellie]

I completely understand what you're saying. The heart wants what the heart wants - there's nothing you can do to just instantly switch that off. But I think there are things you can do to gently persuade it.

 

I think you're doing the right thing.

[Stan1009]

Now i'm just waiting to see if she's calling me, we've been talking on the phone almost daily since she is on vacation either before she go to sleep or when she just wake up. But after yesterday sms, i'm not sure she will do.

If she doesn't, I guess i shouldn't call her myself. well, in fact i probably shouldn't talk to her at all, i wouldn't even know what to say to her. I don't know, i'm just really feeling down right now, I just want to hear her voice...

[Stan1009]

Well, she didn't call. Maybe that's for the best...Can't help but to feel disappointed tho.

Actually, i don't know why it affects me so much. it's just a phone call, and its not like it would change anything. but it makes me feel really sad. then again, i didn't call her myself either, but id just feel like i'm bothering her if i did...I guess i'm just thinking too much.