Stuck between not wanting to live and hoping that maybe things will get better

[achromicdaisy]

Hi everyone. I can't really discuss this issue with my family. I've tried with friends but it seems like they dont really understand. I've thought about ending my life so many times during the past 3 months. I'm 22 and 5 months ago my ex-fiance proposed to me a month after he moved to LA, California. He proposed a plan that i would move there in August after i graduated from college and did not want me to transfer out there before i graduated because it would make transferring my credits difficult. I didnt worry too much because I was confident that our love was strong enough to survive 6 months apart. I love this man more than i love myself and was happy when he proposed because i want to spend the rest of my life with him. We had also lost the baby that i was carrying almost 2 years before the move so seeing him so involved to want to marry me and start the family that we always wanted just made me so happy. 3 months ago I received a text message saying that he didnt want to be with me anymore without any explanation. He had began becomng emotionally and mentally abusive to me a few weeks before the breakup and then would apologize saying that he didnt mean to be so mean to me, and because i loved him, I still stood by him.

 

He ignored all of my calls and text messages and I felt so worthless, not knowing what I had done to him to cause him to do that after thinking that we had a great relationship before the mental and emotional abuse had started. I had already chosen my dress for our december wedding and had started to save up for the big day which was supposed to be this december, which was suddenly brought to an end. I had began drinking as well as taking over-the-counter sleeping pills to make it through the night in order to get to my classes and to work. Amazingly was able to still graduate.

 

By that time i had shut myself from my friends, shutting down my facebook account and changing my number, coming home and laying down, studying or sleeping and then i began cutting my wrist and taking at least 3 sleeping pills per night. I had entered into a state of depression, began to have nightmares of him, and laid in bed to cry almost everyday. It was as if he had died. Last week he contacted me through my college email account saying that he wanted to know how i was doing and that i needed to call him. I responded by saying that i just couldnt speak with him on the phone because it was too painful. His response was that he was so sorry for hurting me and even though he led me to believe that a temporary 6 month long distance relationship would work, he knew that it wouldnt because of who he is. He said that he wasnt a very good person and never was able to love someone until we started dating 3 years ago and even though he proposed to me, he knew that the relationship was not going to survive until august.

 

It was supposed to bring closure and make me feel better but i think that it may have made things worst, knowing that he had me believe that we would get married and have more children together when he already had a separate agenda. I just feel worthless all over again and the feelings of suicide are more prominent. It tears me apart, i cannot get over this and i dont believe that i can. i think that i will be depressed forever. I can barely concentrate, planned on moving to another state to start over, but it just feels as if the best way for me is to no longer exist. have any of you ever felt this way?

[november1]

I can assure you that things WILL get better!

 

Take out a notepad and write down only the POSITIVE things in your life. You just graduated, your entire life is ahead of you, full of possibilities, and full of opportunity for the RIGHT man to come into your life.

 

I know exactly how you feel, and I can tell you that your mindset can be changed. Go rent/download the movie called "The Secret". Start to live and breathe the principles discussed in the film.

 

The focus of your thoughts becomes your reality, and YOU have the power to change your thoughts from sadness to happiness and laughter.

 

I know you will find an amazing new man at some point - you deserve it and it will come to you when the timing is right.

 

Sending a big virtual hug from a man who knows you will become strong again very soon. And you're here to stay!

[ApocalypseDreams]

Sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you really loved this guy but he doesn't sound like he deserves you to be honest. You don't deserve emotional abuse. Screw that. November is right. Your ex fiance isn't the first and he's definitely not the last guy. You'll find someone even better, who will treat you better and who will make you realise how much your ex didn't deserve you. You are only 22, no need to settle down too soon and you have plenty of time to meet this guy .

 

Don't kill yourself. Please. It isn't worth it. You are too valuable to just go to waste like that. Believe me, you have more potential than you realise and you are important to a number of people in ways you don't even realise. I know you've heard it so many times before but get some help with your problems and overcome your issues. In the meantime, post here if you want to be heard. That's what we are here for.

 

Life can get better, you just need to reach out and grab it!

[achromicdaisy]

thanks so much november1. Your words are so comforting. Its difficult for me to accept the fact that he's not really my soulmate and its hard to see good things happening for me in the future, but i will take your advice and rent the movie and update you on how it went.

[achromicdaisy]

thanks for the support. you don't know how it feels to know that you guys understand what i'm going through and are trying to help. i really appreciate the advice.

[Stan1009]

I have felt this way, although i know id never do such a thing in the end, but ever since my ex decided to break up i've felt like life isn't even worth living and i often wish id just never wake up again when i go to sleep. going through each day is difficult, and my ex isn't making things any easier because she keeps saying feelings are still there, i mean so much to her etc but then she act nothing like it and makes me feel kind of worthless to her.

 

Anyways, as Jonty said this guy doesn't sound like he deserves you. You're still very young and have a lot of things to look forward to so don't let this ruin your life.

[november1]

Absolutely. I went through the exact same thing and felt as though I was losing my soulmate...after healing and taking care of myself, someone much better came along. For you, this man may have been a very positive part of your life at one point, but, he no longer is. You deserve and will have someone so much better. You're young and beautiful and a much better guy will fall for you in the future

 

Any time you're feeling down or thinking of doing any harm to your body, imagine all of us guys here on this forum giving you a big hug and supporting you toward healing and a bright future. Jonty is right - you have support from so many people around you, both in person, and us on here (around the world).

 

What worked for me in your exact situation was focusing on who I wanted to become. I did the things that I knew were possible inside of me, but had never become realized. More or less the idea that my mindset created my reality...it slowly, but definitely works.

 

You're meant to get through this and life will get better. I promise!

[achromicdaisy]

thankyou for that