achromicdaisy Posted August 27, 2011 Share Posted August 27, 2011 Hi everyone. I can't really discuss this issue with my family. I've tried with friends but it seems like they dont really understand. I've thought about ending my life so many times during the past 3 months. I'm 22 and 5 months ago my ex-fiance proposed to me a month after he moved to LA, California. He proposed a plan that i would move there in August after i graduated from college and did not want me to transfer out there before i graduated because it would make transferring my credits difficult. I didnt worry too much because I was confident that our love was strong enough to survive 6 months apart. I love this man more than i love myself and was happy when he proposed because i want to spend the rest of my life with him. We had also lost the baby that i was carrying almost 2 years before the move so seeing him so involved to want to marry me and start the family that we always wanted just made me so happy. 3 months ago I received a text message saying that he didnt want to be with me anymore without any explanation. He had began becomng emotionally and mentally abusive to me a few weeks before the breakup and then would apologize saying that he didnt mean to be so mean to me, and because i loved him, I still stood by him. He ignored all of my calls and text messages and I felt so worthless, not knowing what I had done to him to cause him to do that after thinking that we had a great relationship before the mental and emotional abuse had started. I had already chosen my dress for our december wedding and had started to save up for the big day which was supposed to be this december, which was suddenly brought to an end. I had began drinking as well as taking over-the-counter sleeping pills to make it through the night in order to get to my classes and to work. Amazingly was able to still graduate. By that time i had shut myself from my friends, shutting down my facebook account and changing my number, coming home and laying down, studying or sleeping and then i began cutting my wrist and taking at least 3 sleeping pills per night. I had entered into a state of depression, began to have nightmares of him, and laid in bed to cry almost everyday. It was as if he had died. Last week he contacted me through my college email account saying that he wanted to know how i was doing and that i needed to call him. I responded by saying that i just couldnt speak with him on the phone because it was too painful. His response was that he was so sorry for hurting me and even though he led me to believe that a temporary 6 month long distance relationship would work, he knew that it wouldnt because of who he is. He said that he wasnt a very good person and never was able to love someone until we started dating 3 years ago and even though he proposed to me, he knew that the relationship was not going to survive until august. It was supposed to bring closure and make me feel better but i think that it may have made things worst, knowing that he had me believe that we would get married and have more children together when he already had a separate agenda. I just feel worthless all over again and the feelings of suicide are more prominent. It tears me apart, i cannot get over this and i dont believe that i can. i think that i will be depressed forever. I can barely concentrate, planned on moving to another state to start over, but it just feels as if the best way for me is to no longer exist. have any of you ever felt this way? Link to comment
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