bax874 Posted August 27, 2011 Share Posted August 27, 2011 I have been dating my boyfriend for 10 years now. I really love him and I know he really loves me. We are always talking about when we get married what our wedding will be like and how many kids we want to have and how we want to raise them. So I know that he wants to have a future with me, but I have been waiting such a long time for him to propose and it feels like its never going to happen. Whenever we have "the talk" he tells me that he just isn't ready yet, and then asks me why I want to get engaged. The truth is that I love him and I am ready to start the next phase of our lives together, but then the other part is that all my friends and family members are getting engaged and married and I am jealous. They are all moving on in their lives and I feel like I have been stuck in the same spot ever since I graduated from college. I don't know what to do or say anymore. My cousin recently got engaged to a man that she has been dating for about 4 years now and while I am happy for her I am just so depressed. I think the part that kills me the most is the tag line that all my friends throw into their messages. "I'm engaged!!!!!! Now we just have to work on your boyfriend". Its the worst feeling ever when someone says that to me. I just don't know how to handle this anymore. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted August 27, 2011 Share Posted August 27, 2011 Maybe he just likes talking about it but has no intention of doing it? Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted August 27, 2011 Share Posted August 27, 2011 10 years is a bit long to not have already at least made it to the engagment stage. I mean, it's all a person to person thing depending on when you started dating and such but I can understand your frustration. Other than this jealousy, is there any other problem in your relationship that could be holding your boyfriend back from asking? Can you talk to your friends about not saying things like that because it makes you feel bad? Link to comment
FathomFear Posted August 27, 2011 Share Posted August 27, 2011 My first thought was "Wow, 10 years is a lot of time" but then I realized that you might be talking about a time period between 15 and 25, or something to that effect. That would be a different story in my opinion. How old are you guys? Outside of that, making major life decisions based on jealousy of peers is pretty much never a good idea. I'm sure you know that but I felt compelled to point that out given how much focus you give to it in your post. Link to comment
bax874 Posted August 27, 2011 Author Share Posted August 27, 2011 We are both 27 so its not like we're too young, because I could understand if that were the case. There is really nothing that I can see that would be holding him back. We both have good jobs and make decent money, and we live together so we know that there is no problem there. I just don't know what else there could be that is holding him back. Link to comment
Pinnacle Posted August 27, 2011 Share Posted August 27, 2011 Would you end things if he doesn't ask soon/ever? Not implying you will or won't. I am just curious is all. I like to learn. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted August 27, 2011 Share Posted August 27, 2011 We are both 27 so its not like we're too young, because I could understand if that were the case. There is really nothing that I can see that would be holding him back. We both have good jobs and make decent money, and we live together so we know that there is no problem there. I just don't know what else there could be that is holding him back. It's different for everyone. A lot of people don't want to be married by the age of 30. Link to comment
bax874 Posted August 27, 2011 Author Share Posted August 27, 2011 Would you end things if he doesn't ask soon/ever? Not implying you will or won't. I am just curious is all. I like to learn. I would love to give you a definite answer but the truth is I don't really know. I am happy with him, and I love him a lot. He makes me smile even when I don't want to and treats me so well. So to be honest, I'm not sure what I would do. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted August 27, 2011 Share Posted August 27, 2011 What have you two discussed about the details of marriage- not the wedding reception or the engagement ring or the proposal but how you will handle finances, where to live, any other issues that need to be worked on? What concerns does he have that is triggering the "I'm not ready?" Does he have a time in mind when he will be? What steps is he taking to feel more ready? As far as "work on your boyfriend" - to your close friends I would say "I don't want a proposal that results from that kind of 'work'". Link to comment
bax874 Posted August 27, 2011 Author Share Posted August 27, 2011 What have you two discussed about the details of marriage- not the wedding reception or the engagement ring or the proposal but how you will handle finances, where to live, any other issues that need to be worked on? What concerns does he have that is triggering the "I'm not ready?" Does he have a time in mind when he will be? What steps is he taking to feel more ready? As far as "work on your boyfriend" - to your close friends I would say "I don't want a proposal that results from that kind of 'work'". We have discussed where we would be living, and what would happen with finances and all that good stuff (mostly because we are already living in a situation where that was necessary.) I am not sure what concerns he has or when he would be ready. He has gotten to the point where he just doesn't want the topic brought up anymore because he doesn't have those answers. He says that he is the type of person who will just go out and do it when he is ready and right now he isn't ready. So either way I am stuck waiting for him whether it be to discuss getting engaged or to actually get engaged. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted August 27, 2011 Share Posted August 27, 2011 We have discussed where we would be living, and what would happen with finances and all that good stuff (mostly because we are already living in a situation where that was necessary.) I am not sure what concerns he has or when he would be ready. He has gotten to the point where he just doesn't want the topic brought up anymore because he doesn't have those answers. He says that he is the type of person who will just go out and do it when he is ready and right now he isn't ready. So either way I am stuck waiting for him whether it be to discuss getting engaged or to actually get engaged. No, you're not stuck. You can tell him that his approach is not working for you because you need more information from him as to what he is doing to work on his 'I'm not ready" issues. Also, you can propose to him. My guess is he is comfy living with you and doesn't see the need to propose right now. I don't think discussing finances as far as living together is the same as preparing for marriage. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted August 27, 2011 Share Posted August 27, 2011 No, you're not stuck. You can tell him that his approach is not working for you because you need more information from him as to what he is doing to work on his 'I'm not ready" issues. Also, you can propose to him. My guess is he is comfy living with you and doesn't see the need to propose right now. I don't think discussing finances as far as living together is the same as preparing for marriage. I agree with Batya. You have options and I feel you guys have lived together for so long that as Batya said, he's comfortable. What you have to understand though is that once you get engaged, it's not like this magical next step. It doesn't change your relationship or make all the problems go away - it's just something you do in order to get married. A lot of people put an emphaize on getting that ring and it's really not the ring that matters, it's what happens after the wedding day that happens. You have guys discussed children? How to raise them? What values you do and don't want for your children? What do you want from your marriage? What kind of marriage do you want? Link to comment
FathomFear Posted August 27, 2011 Share Posted August 27, 2011 We are both 27 so its not like we're too young, because I could understand if that were the case. There is really nothing that I can see that would be holding him back. We both have good jobs and make decent money, and we live together so we know that there is no problem there. I just don't know what else there could be that is holding him back. Some people just don't feel that sense of urgency around it. I'm almost 32 and have friends near my age who've been dating for years and have no desire to marry for at least another 3-4 years. Everyone is different. At some point you'll need to make a decision about whether you want to wait or move on to someone who is on your wavelength. Link to comment
bax874 Posted August 27, 2011 Author Share Posted August 27, 2011 No, you're not stuck. You can tell him that his approach is not working for you because you need more information from him as to what he is doing to work on his 'I'm not ready" issues. Also, you can propose to him. My guess is he is comfy living with you and doesn't see the need to propose right now. I don't think discussing finances as far as living together is the same as preparing for marriage. @Batya33 Me proposing to him is something that he has brought up, but I refuse to. It's not something that I want to do. I had to ask him out in the first place and I've always dreamed of being proposed to. @OptomisticGirl I realize marriage isn't something that fixes problems, but to be honest this is the only problem that we (I) have been having with our relationship. We are very flexible with each other and we compromise and get through issues well. I am not ready to have kids yet (as I work with kids as part of my job) but yes we have talked a lot about how we would raise our children and what kind of education we would like for them. We do a lot of talking about the future and he really seems to enjoy these conversations but for some reason he doesn't enjoy having conversations about the immediate future Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted August 27, 2011 Share Posted August 27, 2011 So it isn't that you want marriage, you want the big dream proposal you have envisioned all your life? Sometimes it just doesn't work out like that. I had one of those visions in my head too - on the beach at night, he built a sand castle and had the ring box sat there - my fiance proposed to me via email and I can honestly say it was more romantic than what I had had in my head my entire life. You might be surprised that if he does get around to popping the question, it may not be in a huge style that you have day dreamed about your whole life. Link to comment
bax874 Posted August 27, 2011 Author Share Posted August 27, 2011 No I do want marriage, but yes I want to be proposed to. It's not that I have an idea of how I want it to go down in my head, I've always just dreamed of the man I love telling me that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I do want to get married because I want that commitment, that security that comes with it and to move on to other things in our lives. Link to comment
calichick007 Posted August 27, 2011 Share Posted August 27, 2011 I don't say this in a judgmental way, but maybe living with him was a mistake. He may feel he has no reason to propose at this point, if you're already living with him and giving him the benefits of a marriage. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted August 27, 2011 Share Posted August 27, 2011 So you value the way the proposal is done over getting married. Not judging that just reconfirming it -sometimes seeing your priorities in print at least makes you consider their validity and whether they make sense. It's also kind of a pick and choose thing -the man proposing is traditional but living together before marriage is not. It's interesting that you are focused on, all these years later, who asked who out first. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted August 27, 2011 Share Posted August 27, 2011 So you value the way the proposal is done over getting married. Not judging that just reconfirming it -sometimes seeing your priorities in print at least makes you consider their validity and whether they make sense. It's also kind of a pick and choose thing -the man proposing is traditional but living together before marriage is not. It's interesting that you are focused on, all these years later, who asked who out first. And following Batya's line of thought - could this be an underlining issue OP? What if your boyfriend isn't the traditional type? You asked him out, he's said he would like for you to propose to him... have you ever wondered if he just may not be the traditional type? Link to comment
bax874 Posted August 27, 2011 Author Share Posted August 27, 2011 No I do want marriage, but yes I want to be proposed to. It's not that I have an idea of how I want it to go down in my head, I've always just dreamed of the man I love telling me that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I do want to get married because I want that commitment, that security that comes with it and to move on to other things in our lives. I already mentioned that I want the marriage too. It isn't necessarily that I want to get engaged, I want everything that comes along with it. I am jealous that all my friends have gotten engaged and they are on their ways to getting married and starting a new chapter in their lives because that is exactly what I want to do. I want to get engaged and MARRIED so that we could start a new chapter i our lives. It's not that I am trying to fix any problems in my relationship with marriage because like I said before there are no problems that need to be fixed. I have just gotten to the point in my relationship where i am ready to get engaged. And like I said before it doesn't matter how HE proposes to me I just want him to propose soon. I don't have some amazing set up in my head for how he does it, I just want HIM to do it. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted August 27, 2011 Share Posted August 27, 2011 The case could be though, HE doesn't feel comfortable to do it if he is a very untraditional guy. You have every right to want to be engaged but it may be you have to accept it's not with him if he's not willing to do it. Link to comment
bax874 Posted August 27, 2011 Author Share Posted August 27, 2011 The case could be though, HE doesn't feel comfortable to do it if he is a very untraditional guy. You have every right to want to be engaged but it may be you have to accept it's not with him if he's not willing to do it. To be honest he is a pretty traditional guy, but I understand what you mean Link to comment
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