Long term boyfriend indecisive about having children.

[hangingout]

Please tell me your experience and advice.

I've been with my partner for 3 years. We live together and love each other very much. We've been arguing about this point forever though: His indecision to want children.

It's the one major stumbling point to our relationship and I am at least grateful that he is a very honest and has been straight with me about this. He has been saying yes, then no, then yes, then no again. I gave him 6 months to think about it whilst I promised not to bring the subject up again. At the end of the 6 months he still hadn't made up his mind so I moved out and have been seeing him for the past 2 months as a live-out girlfriend. After 1 month apart he said that even though he didn't want children, he'd be willing to have them to keep me and keep me happy. I took this as relatively good news so was hoping to move back in with him but recently he again said that he was unsure and that maybe he doesn't want them again! I was so sad as I'd built up my hopes again!

 

I've finally decided to break up with him about this as the ambivalence is driving me insane but he continues to say that he wants to be with me but doesn't want children.

 

I'm 70% sure by leaving him I am doing the right thing but I wonder if i'll ever meet anyone as kind, sweet and caring as him. Have you been in a similar situation in the past? What did you decide to do? Am i doing the right thing leaving him?

Help please!

[Deonsion]

It seems like he just wasn't ready for children, but knew you wanted them, and was trying to figure out if he could handle them. I mean- it takes some people more time than others to get to where they want children. Also; maybe he is the kind to want marriage before children?

If everything was good, but he was indecisive about children [Which is a major decision for a lot of people]- why didn't you just accept it that right now might not have been a good time for him?

 

I don't think breakin up with him after 3 years was such a good idea. But then again- plenty of other guys out there willing to give you a kid

[Seraphim]

Him saying he will have them to keep you will be a disaster. He might end up resenting you and the kids. If he is not for you he is not for you. Sometimes when people love each other it is not always meant to be. You know? You can have love, but when you can not agree on integral things you want from life is that any good? You should not try to change his mind and he should not try to change yours.

[OptomisticGirl]

Him saying he will have them to keep you will be a disaster. He might end up resenting you and the kids. If he is not for you he is not for you. Sometimes when people love each other it is not always meant to be. You know? You can have love, but when you can not agree on integral things you want from life is that any good? You should not try to change his mind and he should not try to change yours.

 

I agree. He just isn't 100% sure about having kids and there is nothing wrong with that, just as there is nothing wrong with you wanting to. Some people never want kids until they get pregnant or the baby is born from an unexpected pregnancy, others of us know from the get go that we want them. Vic said it right, him giving you a kid just to make you happy would have been disatrous.

[hangingout]

Hmmm.. We both come from loving family backgrounds (though my family is supertight by comparison to his). He's not a believer in marriage saying it's a waste and if people want to be together then they should just be together.

 

We're both mid 30's so we're no spring chickens. I'm not that bothered to have children TBH. They could come or not but I want at least THE OPTION to have them one day and he isn't even giving me that (I am not pressurizing him to have them soon, just to have them 'one day').

 

When he went through his 'yes, let's have kids' stage he put a bunch of requirements on it eg: He stay at home and me be a career woman. I'm not averse to that idea but my job doesn't pay as much as his and what about breastfeeding?!

 

Anyway, deep down, I'm still feeling that I am right to put my foot down and it's right of him to put his foot down (if he doesn't want them) coz at least then we both know where we stand, it's the bloody indecisiveness that drives me crazy. I wish I could just fastforward 5 years forwards or backwards

[Maya_A]

I'm not that bothered to have children TBH. They could come or not

 

OP - it does seem to matter to you that you have children at least one day, versus never having any your entire life. If you were "not too bothered" then it could be worked out more easily & you would not be considering leaving him. He can see this also. I think he said yes when he did because he does not want to lose you.

 

This is not straightforward & on the flip side maybe to him, on the surface at least, you are outwardly projecting being a little undecided also... If you both project the undecided mode, it buys the relationship time... & hope. Understandable.

 

At the end of the day, at the truth or heart of the matter, you both want different things & don't seem compatible in a very important life area. That is okay in & of itself of course, but so tough, hurtful, & sad for the relationship.....

 

May be a deal breaker

 

Wish you guys well....

[kitty1223]

Hi,

 

I have recent experience with this and have to say, that in my opinion, you can never put too much stock in what someone says, especially when they keep changing their minds.

 

my ex was a lot older than me (47 to my 32) and already had 3 kids under his belt. despite having the conversation early in the relationship, it didn't work out

because he did not truly want a baby with me..he was never short on promises, even saying we would turn the extra bedroom into the baby room a day after i broke up with him...but alas the look on his face and the way he handled the relationship as a whole told me he was just buying time.

 

so, please rest assured, that while it was a miserable relationship, and it did not hurt any less to break up with him, and i cried for months, and up until last week (broke up almost 6 months ago) i longed for him so badly i thought i might die of heartbreak, i am now open to finding the right person for me--meaning someone who does not need to be poked and prodded into fatherhood and whose intentions are crystal clear from the get-go.

 

i hope everything works out for you

[chitown9]

Actually, he never wants children. It is not a matter of not being ready for children at this time. Also, he does not want marriage. It sounds like he does not want committment in any way. If you are ok with that, go for it.

[hrtlsngl7]

If you were 25 I would say give him time. You're 35'ish. If you had you're 1st kid THIS VERY SECOND, you would be 53 by the time it's 18. Times a tickin'. You make your best quality eggs in your mid to late 20's. TO ME 35, the eggs/sperm quality start to decline (DO YOUR OWN RESEARCH that part is my own conjecture). So yeah, if you're smoking hot, you're doing the right thing. There are TONS of men who would impregnate you. Trouble is finding a stable one who won't run off. Not too mention in-vitro fertilization.

 

 

Having kids isn't like anything else in life. You can walk away from a car, house, spouse, job, friends, & etc and start over. NOT w/ kids !!! They are there like an unpaid credit card bill. Kids and marriage is ball of wax for us men. He might be concerned about not being where he wanted to be in life, he may not be sure you're the one, concerned about the aftermath of a divorce (which is financially devastating to a man), and not the mention the average marriage in america last 20 years. Therefore guarenteeing divorce. Look at it from his angle. HOWEVER simply ask him why he doesn't want kids yet.

[Done]

Been seven years same boat just leave now doesn’t change wasted years for nothing similar problem time didn’t change anything 

[Tinydance]

Personally I would let him go. I know it's scary! I'm 36 and single and no kids (but want them!). So I totally get it. If he doesn't want kids though then he's not the right person for you. I don't think he should force himself to have them just to be in a relationship with you. He can find a woman who doesn't want kids and you can find a man who does. You're both the wrong person for each other. You need to be with a guy who wants kids or have them on your own but it's not fair to force your boyfriend to have them. If he's so unsure I would say he's leaning more towards "no". If he wanted to have kids I think he'd be sure.

[boltnrun]

14 hours ago, Done said:

Been seven years same boat just leave now doesn’t change wasted years for nothing similar problem time didn’t change anything 

Just FYI, this thread is 9 years old.  Although maybe you could start your own thread and we can see if we can help?

[Sarah9]

Believe me, don't waste your time. Let go the "maybe" man and go find a "hell yes" man 🙂 

[abitbroken]

On 8/27/2011 at 12:08 PM, hangingout said:

Hmmm.. We both come from loving family backgrounds (though my family is supertight by comparison to his). He's not a believer in marriage saying it's a waste and if people want to be together then they should just be together.

 

We're both mid 30's so we're no spring chickens. I'm not that bothered to have children TBH. They could come or not but I want at least THE OPTION to have them one day and he isn't even giving me that (I am not pressurizing him to have them soon, just to have them 'one day').

 

When he went through his 'yes, let's have kids' stage he put a bunch of requirements on it eg: He stay at home and me be a career woman. I'm not averse to that idea but my job doesn't pay as much as his and what about breastfeeding?!

 

Anyway, deep down, I'm still feeling that I am right to put my foot down and it's right of him to put his foot down (if he doesn't want them) coz at least then we both know where we stand, it's the bloody indecisiveness that drives me crazy. I wish I could just fastforward 5 years forwards or backwards

Oh honey,

I was with Mr. "Marriages don't work."  If he marries you, the marriage will be brief.

Find a wonderful, emotionally available man who wants to be a dad. 

Take it from a woman older than you, "having kids someday" is yesterday.  Don't wait until you are 40 to decide to try -- be infertile, struggle with $30 IVF and end up childless.  If you meet a wonderful man who wants kids or is definitely open (not wanting a baby mama but if he should fall in love and marry the right woman, it would be great to try) .   Its not sexist -- its a fact.  

He is LOUD AND CLEAR that he will never marry you, and if he does, it will just be to appease.  Can you imagine deciding to have a child with him that he just has to hang onto you?

If you meet the right guy, who wants to marry the right woman when she comes along (and after dating you a little while knows that its you), wouldn't it be great to have someone who would be over the moon if you had a child together - and if you didn't after trying - would be just as happy to have you and wouldn't be doing anything "just so you would stay"

 

 

[abitbroken]

BTW, a man who is 20 and goes back and forth about having kids -- NORMAL.

A man who doesn't know in his heart of hearts that he would love to be a dad given the chance that is already a grownup man in his 30s and 40s ?  His answer on kids is NO, but he likes the sex so is telling you what you want to hear.   Plenty of 30-40 year old men in your dating range who already know that they are looking for a future wife if they are lucky enough to find her and wish for children as well or A LEAST can look someone in the eye and admits they DO NOT WANT KIDS and have the character to say it vs this deceptive childish game