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MEN, I need your advice after a breakup!


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So I'm new to this, but I like to hear what people have to say.

 

I dated this guy for 8 months. I thought things were great! In July we went on a vacation to a tropical island and two weeks later he "woke up one day and didn't want to be in a marriage type of relationship." He was recently divorced, but he told me that I helped him get through that and I honestly don't think it would have happened without me. I asked him every month if he wanted out of the relationship, if he had anything to get off his chest, and he always told me that he wouldn't be with me if he didn't want to be and that he would talk to me if he had anything to say and he never did. So, how do you just wake up one day and not want to be in a relationship? He said he was confused and didn't know who he was anymore. He wanted to do things for himself and find out what makes him happy in life. He said he lost himself in his marriage and he needed to figure things out. He said he didn't want to "report" to anyone right now and just be him.

 

I guess what kills me the most is that in April, my family found out that my dad had cancer. He was always there for me and my dad. He would go with me to his surgery and chemo treatments. I asked him in May or June if he was with me just because my dad was sick and he said no. He always reassured me that he was in this for the long run and we had no problems. He even said that he wanted my dad to get to know him more so my dad would know that I would be okay in the future if anything happened to him.

 

About a month ago, he wanted to not talk or see each other for one week to see if that helped him any. He lasted 5 days and then contacted me.. we talked but he still wanted the last two days to think about things. On the seventh day he finally decided he didn't want a relationship anymore. I asked him to tell me he didn't love me anymore and had to ask him like 3 times before he would say, "I love you like a friend." Over the last month I packed up a box of all his stuff and any gifts that he gave to me and left them on my front porch for him to pick up. I have been heart broken and don't feel like looking at constant reminders of him. I was SO in love with this man to the point that I thought he was perfect for me and we would get married. We have even talked about marriage and baby names before. He never seemed to have a problem with that or be uncomfortable with the idea. He has tried to contact me once a week to see how things were going and to check up on my dad. So I finally e-mailed him back and said, "Do not contact me at this point. I am trying to get over us and what we had, so you can't pop in and out of my life when you want to." That is not what I wanted at all, but I felt like NC would be the best for me since I didn't have to get a random e-mail from him every once in a while. He responded and said, "I understand. Sorry for the intrusion and you won't hear from me." So far.. I haven't heard from him. But a week ago I found out he emailed one of my co-workers and said, "I am really concerned about her dad, please let me know if you hear how is he doing." That just baffled me! Why does he care how my dad is doing? It's not like he is going to be there for me if anything happens to him. I feel like he chose his path so he needs to walk in the other direction and not look back. It's been a week and he hasn't asked anybody else how my dad is doing, so I guess he really doesn't care after all.

 

I guess I'm just lost and confused. I'm trying to move on but I care about him so much. I am going to continue being strong and do the NC, but it sucks. I feel like even if he wanted us after he figured himself out, he would be too scared to come back anyway.

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dac, he used you as a rebound to get over his divorce. Its pretty clear. He certainly was not over it and needed you to pull him thru it. When he felt strong enough, he no longer needed you.

 

Good job on cutting him out and starting no contact. If he does contact you again you need to ignore him. You see, people need to live with the consequences of their decisions. He wants out, well now he got it. You will move on and it does get easier, but it is a slow grind. As far as him being too scared to come back-that is an excuse we dumpees keep making up in our minds to hold out hope and a tiny window that we can use to contact them if we don't hear from them. eg "maybe he really wants to contact me, but he just thinks I don't love him anymore and is afraid of rejection." But the reality is, if he REALLY wanted you back, he would say it and take the risk. He would break down your door if he really wanted you back.

 

So does he care? Of course. He seems sincere enough (and most likely did not intentionally use you), but it does not mean he wants to be with you. At least not for now. Time will tell, but do not hold out any hope. Move on.

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I think and you also know that you were a rebound. First of all I think that you should have never agreed to be in a relationship that someone is trying to cured himself while causing harm to someone esle. In this case also you were trying to be certain of him asking him and unconciously telling him the door is open everytime you asked him if he did not wanted the relationship anymore. We cannot be certain of anything in this life especially someone else. Think about this way, why would he want to be in the same situation he was before when now he has his freedom. It will be difficult for him to settle down again. The fact that he is checking on your father is simply humanitarian. He seems like a very caring me and actually cares and may feel remorse for using in the way he did but you knew as well. He is thankful and I would advice you to move on and cherish the moments you were together. Next time don't be so pushy and stop asking so many questions to him. Just remember actions speak louder than words. Best of luck. I wish I found such a loving woman like you. Unfortunately this is how it is, the good women are not appreciate it and are neglected but the ones that seek a great woman always find the evil ones the chaotic ones. Good luck Sweety just move on and let him be your friend.

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Next time don't be so pushy and stop asking so many questions to him

 

1) Don't let there be a next time with a rebounder. So ignore this.

 

2) It would not have mattered. If you were only a rebound and deep down he knew that, he would have left anyway. Comments like this will make you reanalyze "what you should have done" and its a waste of your time. Forget it and move on.

 

Sorry Obonilla, not trying to be a d--k, but I just don't think it is relevant to her.

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I hate thinking/knowing that I was a rebound. I even asked him that at one point while we were talking and he said.. "you were not a rebound. We just don't need to be in that kind of relationship right now." He almost got a divorce two years ago and says since then he hasn't been in it with her. I guess he still needs time to himself though. It pisses me off that I helped him out and got him back on his feet but then when I'm knocked down for family issues he punches and kicks me and leaves me there to die. That does not sound like someone who is caring to me. And obanilla30, I don't feel like I asked him ALL the time, but I definitely felt like in the beginning of our relationship, if I didn't ask, he wouldn't know that I was there to support him. I know that I need to move on.. if it's meant to be it will be and that's not up to me to decide. I will continue to be strong and try not to think about what he's thinking or what he's doing. If he wants to talk.. like you said, he knows where to find me. I guess I just felt like I was much better for him than his psycho ex and if he was willing to let me go then he's crazy! Oh well, not for me to worry about anymore.

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Well I was recently a rebound, so don't feel too bad. I had all the warning signs and I still went ahead.

 

It pisses me off that I helped him out and got him back on his feet but then when I'm knocked down for family issues he punches and kicks me and leaves me there to die.

 

Well he did not force you to do this. Yes you did help him as I helped my ex, but I am partly to blame for sticking around and helping. No one asked me to or forced me. And there really is no good time to leave someone. If he held out for you longer for your father to get better, would it really have mattered? He would have left anyway. Mine dumped me after I lost my job. She could have waited til I got a new one, but she wanted out. Yes it would have been nice to have her around, but she was looking out for her own needs and she owed me nothing. Yes I helped her, but at the end of the day dumpers owe you nothing.

 

Having said this, I know what you mean. You feel duped and used. They took from you and gave nothing back. Yes they are selfish, but it does not mean that don't care about you in some way. They do, but not more then themselves.

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I do feel used. It's my fault though and I need to move on. Easier said then done, but it will happen. I'm glad that he didn't wait around for my dad to get better or worse, but I guess I just got confused when I found out he went behind my back to see how my dad was doing.

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Well, its not all your fault. He is partially to blame too. He should have been more responsible and less careless with your feelings from the start. Don't beat yourself up-that was not what I intended by my previous response. I was just trying to let you know that you cannot totally blame him (or yourself).

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1) Don't let there be a next time with a rebounder. So ignore this.

 

2) It would not have mattered. If you were only a rebound and deep down he knew that, he would have left anyway. Comments like this will make you reanalyze "what you should have done" and its a waste of your time. Forget it and move on.

 

Sorry Obonilla, not trying to be a d--k, but I just don't think it is relevant to her.

 

Oh no I am sorry I did not meant to say next time with a rebounder. definitely Never. I meant to be pushy and always asking for certanty. Please forgive me for the miscommunication.

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I have been beating myself up.. I go from thinking it's my fault to thinking it was his. To thinking I deserve better to he was the one for me. I have never felt like this before and have been through 3 previous break-ups (Serious relationships). How do you just wake up one day and not want something? Is that possible, or has he been thinking about this for awhile?

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More than likely he had been thinking about it for awhile, but would reassure you until he knew for certain what he "needed". He does sound caring in that he does seem genuinely interested in how your father is doing. I really don't think he's trying to be mean to you, or hurt you. He may just be really confused about his life right now, and lookin for answers. I could be wrong though since I don't know him. My best advice would be to try to get past this as best you can, and see what the future brings. He may wake up one day and realize what he had with you, or he might not. That's where I am now with my recent ex (3 days break up).

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Well, it's obvious that he didn't wake up one morning and suddenly decide this. He's most likely been thinking about it for weeks or possibly months prior.

 

You helped him out of his divorce? Not good.

 

He should've healed properly by himself and then went looking for another relationship. It's not natural to get over someone with somebody else. It just won't work.

 

He probably genuinely wants to figure out what life is like without a partner or mate by his side. He wants to gain self-happiness and independence before getting back into the relationship with you. Also, it's not your fault for this type of thing. It's something that only the person who's experiencing these emotions can control i.e. your ex-boyfriend. The best possible thing you can do right now is back off, give him serious space and allow yourself to heal before even thinking about contacting him. He really needs to know what it's like without you in his life.

 

Just know that whatever you do at this point, don't contact him. Work on yourself, work on learning from the past and start concentrating on becoming more independent. Independence is a large role in healing after a break-up or divorce.

 

Good luck! Hope this helped.

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Good luck Tigerfan! It's definitely not easy, but we all go through it.

 

When I first met him I didn't know he was married. He used to tell me that he would hide his wedding band from me when he was around so that I wouldn't know. He didn't like being married to her and took a lot of guts to finally put an end to things. He had been unhappy pretty much their whole marriage. His family and friends did not like her and I think when he met me, he finally gained some confidence and courage to move on from her. Trust me, I did not want to be a rebound, but my heart was doing all the thinking not my head. I thought things would be different since his family and friends liked me, we always had a good time when we were together and at least on my end I honestly thought he was the one. After the week of no talking and seeing each other, he was trying to tell me that he talked to people and looked at statistics and for the most part the first relationship after a marriage never works out. Why would he go to the trouble of looking that up? ON top of that his best friend broke things off with his girlfriend because things were "moving too fast." I get he needs time and space and maybe the easiest way for him to do that was to completely cut things off with me. He didn't want to slow things down, he didn't want to work on things, he just wanted it to be over. I have not contacted him and I don't plan on it.

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Not that i dont agree that you might have been a rebound, but people do seem to pop up and say things about losing themselves regardless of being a rebound or not. He put a lot of thought into this, and in his mind he thinks he cant be himself with you; which is another way to say you dont bring out compatabilities with him. He loves you as a friend, or what he thinks was the friendship he had (though in all our cases, we dont get close to friends like we do with our loves, it just doesnt happen like that, you drop the title of girlfriend, then I dont care about you or about your issues, or anything else anymore). This is what prompted him to be concerned about your dad, he still cares, he shut off the comittment and relationship love away from you, but he didnt lose all love and care for you.

 

Cut him off, and move on. If it dawns on him that he made a mistake, then he will reach out. If not, then there is nothing there anymore.

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He put a lot of thought into this, and in his mind he thinks he cant be himself with you; which is another way to say you dont bring out compatabilities with him.

 

Thorshammer, can you elaborate a bit more on this? Not specifically to the OPs case but just in general. I never really understood this compatibility thing.

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So here's the update from tonight. A few months ago I bought us tickets to go see a concert. It was supposed to be me, him, and his friend that just broke up with his ex. Instead, those two went together and I brought a gf of mine. He saw me there and ignored me the whole time. Once the concert was over, he texted the gf I was with and said, "Hope you guys had a good time at the concert." She told him, "We did. But I really don't want to get in the middle of this, so if you want to talk to her then ask." His reply to that was.. I am just doing what I was told (meaning, I told him not to contact me anymore). But isn't that a way of contacting me, through a friend? He text her back again and said I did not mean to get you in the middle of anything. She text him back saying, "You should talk to her if you feel like talking to her." All he said was, "Yeah, I can't really text right now since I'm driving." She didn't say anything back but then an hour or so later he texts her again and says, "Hope you guys made it home ok." I asked her to ignored it, but she didn't.. she doesn't feel like being "mean" to him. So she said, "We aren't going home yet." and he just text back with.. "well I'm home and going to bed haha, I've been up since 5." All I want to know is.. why is he doing all of this?! I don't feel like he would have text my gf if she went with someone other than me, so what's the point. HE is the one that left.. so why does he care if I'm having a good time or if I got home safely? Is he really just going to be stubborn and not talk first since that's what I told him to do?! I don't get it!!

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I thought we were compatible.. we both have the same religion, both have the same likes and interests, both like to cook and are creative, we both like the beach, time with friends and family. So I don't really get that I don't bring out the compatibilities in him..

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