Friend pushes my buttons then makes jokes about my reaction

[Irishwoman]

I have a friend who has a lot of good qualities but lately she will say something crude knowing it will bother me and then she will joke about my reaction. I have asked her to stop but it only makes it worse. I was practically in tears the last time she did it. I feel like I am back in junior high, and that was a long time ago. I'm not ready to give up on the friendship but I want to be able to shut her down when she starts it. Has anyone dealt with an adult like this? Where you able to stop it?

[FathomFear]

If you know she's just doing it for the sake of doing it, why would you let it affect you? I'm not defending her behavior--just wondering why it almost brought you to tears. There's a big difference between someone who is legitimately saying hurtful things and someone who's just trying to get a rise out of you.

[guynextdoor]

Friends like that I would stay a far distance. They get a kick out of making you look bad so they can look good.

[Maz8]

I have a friend who has a lot of good qualities but lately she will say something crude knowing it will bother me and then she will joke about my reaction. I have asked her to stop but it only makes it worse. I was practically in tears the last time she did it. I feel like I am back in junior high, and that was a long time ago. I'm not ready to give up on the friendship but I want to be able to shut her down when she starts it. Has anyone dealt with an adult like this? Where you able to stop it?

 

I would be honest and say that such a "friend" should be distanced. At best she's being immature and at worst she's not a reliable person.

 

A good friend would know where to draw the line.

 

Besides which, it's good to surround ourselves with people who are positive in their words and actions.

[ApocalypseDreams]

Assuming you are both adults, just drop her. The difference between junior high and now is that you have alot more choice in who you hang around with. Life's too short to waste on people like this.

[Kitten love]

Could you give us an example of the things she would say?

 

It might be possible to respond in a way that embarasses her into stopping..

[ApocalypseDreams]

Could you give us an example of the things she would say?

 

It might be possible to respond in a way that embarasses her into stopping..

 

This could work but it depends what kind of person the poster is. Some people are not adept at comebacks and end up just making it worse.

 

In Australia, amongst guys, making fun of eachother is pretty much standard practice and I don't mind abit of it myself, especially if it isn't a personal attack but just a witty observation or genuinely funny. However, a couple of my old high school friends used to make me the butt of most of their jokes starting when we were 13 and continued into our 20's. It got old pretty quick, especially at parties or around girls, and back then I was completely useless at comebacks because I didn't have it in me to ever pull down anyone. Even when the person deserved it. I got rid of them and it was one of the best things I ever did for myself.

 

OP, consider seriously what impact this person might be having on your self esteem. If they are personal attacks and if you hear it enough it will start to effect your self esteem. If they are, get rid of them.

[Irishwoman]

If you know she's just doing it for the sake of doing it, why would you let it affect you? I'm not defending her behavior--just wondering why it almost brought you to tears. There's a big difference between someone who is legitimately saying hurtful things and someone who's just trying to get a rise out of you.

 

I am highly sensitive especially when I am tired. If I had not been tired I don't think I would have been so close to tears.

[Irishwoman]

Could you give us an example of the things she would say?

 

It might be possible to respond in a way that embarasses her into stopping..

 

generally her comments are of a sexual nature directed at me. We play games with groups of people. The first time I was concentrating and apparently rocking back and forth she said something along the lines of 'is that how you move when you have sex?' The last time another woman went under the table to get a game piece at the same time that I laughed about something else she said "you shouldn't look so happy when she is under the table". I looked right at her and said "stop" she then made jokes about my reactions - being in mixed company, me being the "mixed" part of it because I am sensitive, virgin ears - really just because I don't discuss sex over board games?

[Irishwoman]

to all of you who said dump her, I have considered it but she has some good qualities so I would like to try to get her to stop first. If I can't do that I will dump her.

[Celadon]

Ooh, people who bully other people really irk me. They're just mean. (OK, they may be insecure and oblivious to their actions, but mostly, I think they're mean.)

 

If you don't want to dump her, then you'll have to throw her comments back at her. If you don't, she'll just continue. You need to shut her down, once and for all. This will require you getting out of the usual comfort zone. Anticipate that she'll do it again, and have your replies ready.

 

What to say? Say that she must obviously want you.

 

Her: "Blah blah blah sex."

You (calmly, with a smile): "You know, you make an awful lot of comments about me and sex. I'm getting the uncomfortable feeling that you must really want me."

Her: "You wish" or "In your dreams."

You: "Apparently, it's in YOUR dreams. I'm not the one who keeps talking about sex. Can you move on, already? Or is this just a hang up of yours?"

 

If she persists, try to make it sound like others are on your side.

Her: "Haha, virgin ears can't take a joke."

You: "Well, everyone here has heard your 'jokes' about sex by now. I think we've all gotten a pretty good picture of what's going on in your mind..."

 

In other words, keep putting it back on her, 'cause that's what she's doing to you. Shame her into silence.

 

To be successful at this, you'll need to (a) believe in this plan; (b) practice out loud ahead of time so it comes out automatically, no matter how flustered you feel when she makes her jokes and © make sure whatever you say is long enough so that it doesn't sound like a little pipsqueak of a response. So, not just "oh yeah?" or "We know what you think" but "Oh yeah? I've noticed that you are always talking about sex..." and "We know what you think. The wonder of it is that you keep persisting at it..."

 

I would try NOT to be spontaneous, other than to adjust what you say a little to the situation. Making things up on the spot has a way of backfiring or leading to things you have no "follow up" for. Instead, have your message and try to stick to it. You don't have to give a perfect response to be effective.

 

Let us know what you decide to do...

[Irishwoman]

thank you k8tie Kool those made me laugh and I am going to take your advise if it happens again. Today she apologized for something else and I told her that it didn't bother me as much as this. She said she's sorry it hurt me. I would have rather she said she was sorry she did it but I am going to try to let it go unless she does it again.

[Celadon]

I'm glad she apologized, at least partly. Hopefully she means it and will try to refrain from making jokes at your expense.

 

It's always best to talk things through calmly and mutually, but when one person is not willing to, then you have to fight fire with fire.