I am having a hard time breaking up with my abusive boyfriend...he's too "nice"

[nicoleh24]

He has a temper, he has yelled at me, hit me, kicked me, slapped me, choked me, threatened to kill me...called me every name in the book-=during very heated arguments. It has not been a daily thing but it has happened a handful of times and it was while arguing...I go over in my head thinking "thats just how he is and I can have a big attitude towards him and can get loud during arguments"...justifying him putting his hands on me. To be honest with you, he has not put his hands on me during arguments recently, the physical abuse was about a few months ago. BUT the most recent fight a few weeks back he said horrible things to me (he told me to go ahead and kill myself after I confided in him a few days back that I was severely depressed, called me names, pathetic-loser-all the bad words in the book) and in a rage he kicked my car door in so hard that it left a dent and the handle broke off > he calmed down I basically told him that he cannot act that way ever again or we are done. I know I shouldnt have given him a 50th chance...but I did.

 

Since then he is being extremely nice and holding his tongue when angry, etc....but Im afraid this is part of the "cycle"...or maybe he has changed finally. I dont know. But I want to break up with him. I cant seem to do it when he is being so NICE.

 

I need someone to knock some sense into me. I am sure his behavior will get bad again...I seem to have blinded myself to the fact though....

[Tigerfan]

He hasn't changed at all. His 'nice' behavior is temporary. Trust me. I'm glad you want to get away from this monster, because the more you allow it, the worse it will get in time. Take the first opportunity you have to get out of Dodge, and quickly! And be careful!

[Kitkat973]

You know that what's going on isn't okay. His past behavior isn't okay, and the way he's been acting toward you recently isn't okay. You can hold on forever hoping that this will be the time he changes.

[nutbrownhare]

Yep, the whole point of being 'nice' is NOT TO LOSE CONTROL OF THE VICTIM. Unfortunately, it sounds as though you are too addicted to him to be able to take care of yourself right now. I get that it's difficult to leave when he's in the nice bit of the abusive cycle, but life will become a whole lot harder in time if you stay.

 

You know in your heart of hearts what you need to do, but you haven't reached your breaking point yet; it may help if you join CoDependents Anonymous or a similar support group, which will reassure you that you are not reliant on your abuser and that many, many others have been through similar experiences and come out the other side.

[Staple]

Wow leave him and don't do it personally, he might hurt you. Make sure you let people know and be safe. Sorry that happened to you.

[FathomFear]

Since then he is being extremely nice and holding his tongue when angry, etc....but Im afraid this is part of the "cycle"...or maybe he has changed finally. I dont know. But I want to break up with him. I cant seem to do it when he is being so NICE.

 

I need someone to knock some sense into me. I am sure his behavior will get bad again...I seem to have blinded myself to the fact though....

 

The underlying issue here is that you're continuing to approach the situation passively. "Sigh, I need someone to force me to break up!" No one is going to do this for you. To be frank, you need to start acting like an adult, analyze the situation logically, and end the relationship immediately. This guy should be locked up for doing the the things you listed. This is your life we're talking about here. Not a good idea to play games with it.

 

To protect yourself I would not break up with him alone. If you must do it in person I would make sure you have nearby support.

 

Hope it works out for you.

[richyrichnfl]

Nicoleh having personal experience growing up as a child in a household like this for many years, please end this relationship if not for yourself but for the children you may have with this man. Without some serious professional help, this will in all liklihood not end. Nicoleh you say in your last sentence "I need someone to knock some sense into me", it sounds like that has already happened to you. No human being should be subjected to physical, emotional or sexual abuse. Please take care of yourself because you deserve it.

[Stan1009]

I don't think his behavior is going to change, it might get even worse over time. Right now it's just the calm before the storm so to speak.

Leave him and don't even look back. It doesn't even matter if he is being "nice" right now, violence should never be forgiven imo.

[abitbroken]

I was in an abusive relationship and believe me, its a cycle. he will get much worse. he'll beat you to almost dead and then send you roses. Get away. Now. Do you live together? Start gathering together your important papers and family photos and keep them where you can grab them, even if you have to make copies of the papers so they are't missed. Then practice. Every day at a certain time, leave the house. and come back. Have a bag iwth you. So neighbors get used to you coming and going so they don't think its weird when you go for good. Find a friend or relative who will let you stay a few nights or secure a hotel. Get counseling at the woman's shelter. Then leave. And don't look back.

[Maz8]

Personal safety should be more important. People who are unstable and go from being violent to 'nice' in a short timespan are unpredictable. From your story, it sounds like this guy needs to take some anger management classes.

 

Take it from a guy who used to have some anger issues (I could never hit a woman though): what you should know is that if a person has a tendency to anger, it's not your fault. They will be like that towards anyone and can get set off pretty easily. You can do everything right and some people will still get mad.

 

I don't know what your family situation is, but usually they will be able to help.

[chitown9]

Run,don't walk, to get away from this man. His physical abuse can escalate to the point he kills you. When he becomes in such an outraged stage he is capable of doing anything.

 

Get out quickly and don't tell him that you are leaving or where you are going.

[nicoleh24]

Thank you all for your encouragement. I have a plan and will procede with leaving him this upcoming week for sure. Ill keep posted.

[chitown9]

Thank you all for your encouragement. I have a plan and will procede with leaving him this upcoming week for sure. Ill keep posted.

 

Oh, Nicole. I am so glad, relieved, and thankful. Please keep us posted. I won't feel that you are safe until you are entirely away from....my thoughts are with you....

[kath]

Very glad you have a plan! I wish you the best with implementing it! I hope you have someone to help you, both with the practical matters and also with psychological issues. It's gonna be tough at first and you can expect to have very strong emotions but this is normal. Remember that by leaving, you're doing yourself a favor, and that this favor can save your life and your sanity. People like that rarely change, and being nice is indeed a part of the cycle, like others have already pointed out.

 

Stay safe and post when you can!

[Bolegged04]

I am 1 month post B/U, and I hurted more in the relationship than I do now. The constantly verbal and emotional abuse is hard. The getting upset for simple things, the hanging up in my face, the name calling, telling me Im worthless, constantly throwing my past in my face, the long silent treatments, and then the being nice again wore me out. I was with him for 5 months too darn long. When a person show you who they are and you see signs, please dont ignore. I honestly felt it would turn into physical abuse soon. It was easier for me to move on to heal myself because I knew it wasnt a healthy relationship. I changed my number, blocked him off of everything (IM, FB, everything) and initiated the no contact. Abuse can scar scar you for a long time..get out now, before its too late..

[yeawutever]

It surprises me.. how would a woman want to stay with a man that hit her once? One time would really be enough for me to look at him in complete disgust and contempt, then file assault charges too.

Please leave him Nicole, one time should be an immediate deal-breaker. Real men don't hit women no matter how upset they get, not even if I were rude or talk bad about their mothers (they still would have self-control and leave instead of resorting to violence). What you have is rather a boy not a ''man''.