Ex and I are on a break, we have decided on NC, but I still need some closure...

[calreese]

Let me provide a few background details before I try and describe the war being waged inside of my head at the moment...

 

My girlfriend and I began our relationship as naive high school kids (her being a year younger than me), not really sure what love was or how to embark on a truly serious relationship. Over time, we began to learn an immense amount about each other and slowly but surely we fell in love. We began spending more and more time together, but at a cost.

 

See, my girlfriend's father is a police officer, so naturally she has to be incredibly cautious with her actions. On top of this, she has a very strict set of rules to adhere to and could never really experience what her friends were out doing. This meant that as her and I grew closer, she lost many of her friends to partying, an activity that she was terrified to partake in for fear of punishment by her father.

 

Her family situation was not always the best, and to put things simply, there was a stretch of about a year and a half where i was the only person in her life that paid attention to her, spent time with her, talked to her, comforted her, took her out, etc. I sacrificed quite a lot (spending time with my friends, as well) in order to be this girl's guide through a very difficult time in her life, and I did it all because I knew I loved her and was convinced she felt the same way about me.

 

When i left for college, we were still on the same page as far as feelings go, but she was beginning to worry that while i was at school (only about 20 minutes from our hometown) I would be meeting new people and would eventually leave her and find a new college girlfriend. We had countless arguments on this topic, all of them involving me assuring her that I had no desire to find a new girl, that I had already invested so much into her and I was committed to making our relationship work in the long run. She eventually got over her fear of me leaving her, and even began to come out with me to parties (which was a huge risk for her). Remember that she is a year younger than me, so she was coming to college parties as a senior in high school. This was nearing the time of her graduation.

 

Now fast forward to this summer. After her graduation, her dad gave her the freedom to do whatever she wanted, as long as she was willing to pay the price were she to be caught. Needless to say, she was like a child in a candy shop. At this point, the "thrill" of partying had started to wear off on me, and I understood that she had been starved of the ability to socialize with people her own age, so I let her go wild for a few weeks. I figured it would die down, but I was wrong: It got worse. Not only was she going out every night, drinking, smoking, etc. but she was asking me to provide her with alcohol. I had no problem with doing this for her, but it hurt me that she had no problem asking me to get these things for her, but would never ask me to come out with her. When i brought it up, she would say things like, "We always used to spend so much time together, I need to catch up with my friends."

 

It went like this all summer. The last week together was miserable. I finally got her to spend time with me, and she was mean to be honest. She * * * * * ed at me, telling me that she was bored, wanted to go home, sighing loudly like she was annoyed. So I took her home, and she somewhat apologized and told me we could spend the next day together after I worked. I agreed. The next day, I called her to see what she was doing, and she was already at another boy's house with her girlfriend, drinking. I was livid. I told her that if she kept neglecting our relationship, she was going to lose me. And that's when she said that we needed to take a break.

 

I was floored. I hadn't seen it coming. I just thought she had been starved for socialization and was trying to make up for lost time. I didn't think she'd put her friends ahead of me. We talked once in person before making it official, and she said things like "We've been dating for so long, I just want to be single for awhile" and, "We should just do our own thing for a month or two, and the time apart will make us realize that we are supposed to be together."

 

And that was the last time I spoke to her. She is off at college, about 30 minutes from where I live. She drinks heavily, smokes weed, and has done drugs (all coming from friends who also go to school here, who have seen her at parties). I have expressed my concern to people close to her that she is experiencing extreme end of the spectrum after being sheltered and that she could hurt herself. I still love her, and regardless of whether we are together or not, I do not want her to be hurt.

 

Now, with that novel out of the way, here is my dilemma. If she is taking this time away to do some self-evaluation, and to look at what she has been through and really decide if she is ready to commit to a serious relationship with me, then i applaud her for her honesty. It only makes me love her more that she realizes that she has to be her own person and be independent before we can be a pair.

 

I have had my doubts, however, that she is possibly just using this time to "live it up", so to speak, with no repercussions and no one to answer to. It makes me sad everytime i think about it, because I feel that she is happier now than she has ever been, and I want to share this part of her life with her, but it seems as though she wants to go through it single in case she comes along someone better.

 

It just sucks to be left hanging like this, and if she were done with me, I would want to know so I could begin to get over her and move on, but at the same time, if she is doing this to ensure that we can be together again, I don't want to completely forget about her and then have to tell her tough luck if she ever decides to come back.

 

side note - I've been thinking about what I would do if she is the one to break NC, because I doubt I would be able to take her back soon after, seeing as I am incredibly confused at the moment.

 

If anyone has been in a situation like this before or can see where I'm coming from, I would appreciate any advice or words of wisdom. I'm kind of going through this blindly, with no idea of what the future holds or what kind of mindset to hold.

 

Thanks

[SilverMonkey]

Hi there.

 

I relived alot of feelings when I read your story.. I have been through something kinda like this. My girl friend went travelling for six months where we did not have any regular contact and I never knew what she was doing. I have a feeling she was "living it up" as you put it during those six months.. Not cheating but being wild. I didn't like it. It left me completely broken and sleepless for six months. When she came back I was completely drained from energy and was just so happy that we were going to make things work now.. That's when she dumped me.. Yeah that kinda hurt. I think that is why I feel like I know where you are coming from. My best advice to you is to let her to what she wants and get on with your life. She might come back to you and she might not - but if you stall your life because of a possibility of her deciding that her new-found life is not fun anymore.. That is just a plain waste of life IMO. Imagine if the situation was opposite. You were living it up and she was at home waiting - would she wait for you?

 

I hope my reply helped you and maybe gave you a view from outside the box.

 

- SilverMonkey

[calreese]

I understand what you're saying about moving on for the time being. That seems to be a consensus among my friends and family, so I am starting to realize that is the healthiest option.

 

I'm not sure if I made it clear enough, but one of the things that hurts me the most is that I had the opportunity to go out and be crazy when I started college, but I refrained because I knew that would have devastated her at the time. You say I should look at things from the opposite perspective as if she had to wait for me. I honestly believe that if I had decided to break it off with her at that time, she would have waited. It's just so much harder now that she's in the same situation I was in and this time around she doesn't want to be with me.

[SilverMonkey]

I hope my post helped you in some way. Move on in your life. Things have a magic way of working out one's life (be it with ex or without).