I think he's suffering from depression...

[flaminghair81]

Recap of my current situation with my bf of almost 9 months.

 

Met in January, sparks flew. We were hot and heavy from day 1. At the end of April he became sick, was hospitalized and had surgery. This was the first time he ever had been admitted to a hospital, had surgery, been that sick and so on. What he had was a bacteria that is very dangerous and hard to kill. He came home from the hospital on IV meds, I moved in to help administer them and take care of him. He was on those for 6 weeks, now he will be on oral antibiotics for 6-9 more months, a pill every 6 hours. The end of May, his kids came for the summer. Both kids told him that they wanted to live with him. He tried to work something out with his ex, she said no. A few factors made taking her to court then difficult, so the kids went back at the end of July. They live in different state, 14 hrs away. After returning the kids, his ex has restricted his phone contact with them by taking away his daughter's phone and not answering hers or calling him back. He has spoken to them twice since he dropped them off.

 

Our relationship has been very strained. There was so much stress and crazy happening around us, we've seriously grown apart. He is also a very different man since his sickness. He went from being very affectionate and loving, to not touching me at all except for routing peck kisses in the AM and PM. He is the type that when he is stressed, he stops talking. There were many days this summer where we did not speak at all.

 

I have gone through numerous emotions during this. Thinking it was me that was the reason for his behavior. After our last big issue earlier this week, I have been able to step back and analyze the situation, taking my emotions out of it. I honestly think that he is suffering from depression and is not able to cope with things, thus he is keeping me at a distance.

 

I know he loves me. I can see it in his eyes that he does. I know that he wants to be with me and he wants to continue to live together, sleep in the same bed and so on. I love him very deeply and I don't want to give up on our relationship yet. I talked to him in late May that he was depressed and should go talk to someone about it and he got very angry and defensive. He does not see the distance he keeps me at and seems comfortable. I honestly don't think that there could be a switch that is flipped that causes someone to change overnight, so I know that man from the beginning of our relationship is still there somewhere. I can catch glimpses here and there of him.

 

I know that if I bring this up again, he will push further away. Has anyone here gone through something similar, where their bf or husband became depressed? What advice can you give me to help me help him get through this without being so forward about it? What advice can you give me to stay sane and to not give up when we have another bad day?

 

I really would appreciate it!

[sara-pezzini]

my BF goes through periods of depression because of a very troubled past with lots of abuse.....at first he would always shut me out, not call, not see me, we were only friends back then but it was very hard, as the years have gone by he is more and more aware that every time he sinks into his depression that he will come out of it again as well, so that has helped him and he no longer shuts me out, in fact he confides in me in how he feels at those moments and how he sees things then.....what i have always done and still do is continue to show him my love and care, send sweet messages, send some sweet and loving gifts, just small ones, so he knows i am thinking of him, cause when depressed they mostly feel guilty because they know how it affects their loved ones, and in my BF's case he feels worthless and useless and confirmed in his ideas that he is no good and no one can love him (which he had been told over and over again in the past) and my continuous love and care helps him through it and see that he is indeed loved.....

but it was difficult to get to this point cause in the beginning i took it personally, but now i know it has nothing to do with me or his feelings for me..

try not to put too much pressure on him, he can't handle that, show him you care, you understand him, let him know you are there for him if he needs you, and try not to take it personally.....but it is hard! for us after 6 years it is only getting better and i think one day he will be able to overcome it to a degree, but you do feel lonely and unloved.....but they don't mean to make you feel that way....

[flaminghair81]

Thank you for your response.

 

I have been taking it very personal. I have to be really conscious not to start thinking that its my fault or I am the problem. It really is hard though. It sucks because we really did not have the right time that we should have to really get to know each other before being thrust into such a stressful situation.

 

And I also get really scared that I won't ever get back the guy that I met and fell in love with. I still get glimpses of him which gives me hope.

[no0biee]

I've been through a lot in my life, more than I should go into here. The point is a lot of times I know I'm depressed. My fiancee takes it very personal, it almost kills our relationship. I never intend to hurt her or make her feel any pain. The past two weeks has been hard for us, I've basically been without talking to anyone that entire time. I'm doing my best to help the both of us out by trying to fight the depression. I think if you can make him realize that he might have a problem that would be the first step. Im not the smartest man in the world but I realize in my option that because I know I have a problem it makes it that much easier to work on it. By letting her tell me I can get past the issues and sadness, it really makes me believe it and also makes it to where I know i'm not the only one fighting the problem.

 

Just a side note, this is a my first day here. My problem is that I'm the one who is depressed, she says we dont communicate or spend enough time together, we had a 3 hour talk about this yesterday. Today ive been texting her all day, and at the end of the night i texted her i loved her and got no response. Im really thinking about ending it with her after almost 5 years.