sask Posted August 26, 2011 Share Posted August 26, 2011 I am a healthy attractive 36 year old dating a 36 year old man. I recently posted a thread under "trust and relationships" where I mention that my boyfriend uses porn, that I don't care about that so much as I care that he uses it to replace having sex with me. I don't think that's healthy. I've asked why he does it so often when I'm always ready to go (I've got a higher sex drive then him for sure), his answer, "I don't know, it's just habit." - * * * ? I then asked if he's addicted and he got very defensive. I'm posting this new and related thread separately as I thought it warranted its own area. Unfortunately a couple months ago I came accross his online porn sites, by mistake. I then felt insecure and started looking at how often he did it and discovered that it was often. I told him about this and although he understood how I could have just happened upon the sites (I mean we'd already discussed this so it was no secret), but he was upset that i continued to look (I understand that). Anyway, I stopped checking. Until recently when the frequency of our sex became even less. I checked again and found that he's now visited a new site called link removed where he appears to have had a couple of live interactions with one particular individual on there. This would appear to be the first time he's used a live site. I haven't said anything, but obviously I'm sick about it. What do I do? I know he loves me and I know he finds me attractive and I've offered to do ANYTHING for/with him but that obviously isn't enough. Help! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1m50L0nl3y Posted August 26, 2011 Share Posted August 26, 2011 So he is neglecting the real deal for some ugly online prostitute? Incredible... I wonder how you can deal with it? I mean that is insulting, and it hurts the selfsteem and integrity of a woman. Anyway this is a psychological issue that goes deeper than the act of sex. This is what goes thru the mind of a porn addict: I am basically a bad, unworthy person, No one would love me as I am, My needs are never going to be met if I have to depend upon others, Sex is my most important need - Dr. Patrick Carnes. He needs help, recreational porn is "normal" but avoiding intimacy with a real person is not normal. He must seek for professional help or it will destroy your relationship and ultimately his life (and yours if you allow it). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happyfrank Posted August 26, 2011 Share Posted August 26, 2011 Porn addiction is a quicksand. first videos and it will progress to him calling escorts. The way to help him is for not to watch anymore porn. Any little fix and he will back at it. If he watches it again. Leave him until he seeks help from professional. Have him read the book the porn trap. It's about overcoming porn addiction. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hexaemeron Posted August 26, 2011 Share Posted August 26, 2011 Porn addiction is a quicksand. first videos and it will progress to him calling escorts. The way to help him is for not to watch anymore porn. Any little fix and he will back at it. If he watches it again. Leave him until he seeks help from professional. Have him read the book the porn trap. It's about overcoming porn addiction. Porn on its own absolutely does not lead to that. Some people will abuse anything. Is everyone who drinks an alcoholic? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happyfrank Posted August 26, 2011 Share Posted August 26, 2011 too much of porn is bad for you hex. This guy went from videos to live models. What's next? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hexaemeron Posted August 26, 2011 Share Posted August 26, 2011 too much of porn is bad for you hex. This guy went from videos to live models. What's next? But that's a choice -he- made. The porn had nothing to do with it. People kill people. Guns (for example) are only the method. If someone wanted to kill another person, there's 9000 ways to do that. See what I mean? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SayWhen Posted August 26, 2011 Share Posted August 26, 2011 He will only stop if/when HE wants to stop...you can talk with him about the importance of this issue but to be honest, if he isn't ready to stop using porn, he won't do it. If I were you I would be very concerned that he might start meeting up with prostitutes...it seems like that would be the next step up from live models. You need to address this with him and ask him if he is willing to stop COMPLETELY. If he cannot or will not be compliant in order to save your relationship, you need to leave him. If this is truly an addiction, and he is not willing to stop, the relationship cannot thrive. Good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted August 26, 2011 Share Posted August 26, 2011 Cmon now. Millions of people look at porn without getting addicted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happyfrank Posted August 26, 2011 Share Posted August 26, 2011 But that's a choice -he- made. The porn had nothing to do with it. People kill people. Guns (for example) are only the method. If someone wanted to kill another person, there's 9000 ways to do that. See what I mean? It's a choice but also gateway to dark road for some. People get fired at work for watching porn. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PaintWithLight Posted August 26, 2011 Share Posted August 26, 2011 Okay. Back on track to the OP's original question.... It seems like he has increased his viewing while at the same time decreased his interaction with you. That is the point where the OP should begin her conversation with him. If he is mired up in addiction and denial than expect a flurry of blustering and counter attacks before he decides to open up and be honest with you. This behavior in a relationship rarely self corrects without the guy actually deciding that his behavior is putting the relationship at risk. You seem to have discussed this with him before, try to do it once again. The bottom line is that he will not change this behavior it he thinks it is okay. This could be a potential deal breaker with you. He has to be honest and discuss what is going on with him. But for many guys, they would rather not examine too closely the triggers and actions in this area. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wolflovesmoon Posted August 26, 2011 Share Posted August 26, 2011 I look at porn when i want and i stop when i want. i used to see porn as an educational way to improve my skills. which didn`t help that much in the long term, i don`t think i am addicted because i have the ability to stop, especially if i have a partner. You need to talk to him again. but talking it self is not sufficient, be proactive, don`t always wait for him to approach you. dress up sexy, smell good and be flirty, try to arouse him. don`t give him the time to go to look for porn online. but he need to understand sooner or later that addiction to porn will be a big issue and he need to start working on it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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