Hugging and Touching PROBLEMS

[Dougie_D]

I'm very EMBARRASSED about this. I never knew I really had a problem until girls started to tell me "I don't hug very well".

 

I was talking to my roommate (girl) and she had another friend (girl) and we were practicing. They told me I need to "embrace the hug" I' like a statue.

 

What's wrong w/ me?

 

I've never been a touchy feeling guy.

 

I was learned/raised to not go over my boundaries w/ women. I feel like this may be a MAJOR reason of all my falling out w/ girls.

 

Is this really a BIG DEAL?

[ProtestTheHero]

Nah, it's not a big deal. I think what they're referring to is the awkwardness a hugger/huggee (lol huggee isn't a word but you know what I mean) experience when one person is hesitant and sort of recoils. You can definitely sense when that's happening. They're telling you to approach it like it's no big deal and hug with no reservations.

 

I'm not really a touchy/affectionate person so I don't do hugs most of the time, but when I do I treat it like it's no big deal rather than approaching it like I'm about to pet an anaconda.

 

I would say with 99.9% certainty that this is not the cause of you falling out with women.

[Vincent Ruiz]

It sounds as if maybe it is a confidence issue. If you hug a pretty girl then maybe you don't feel worthy and you stiffen and recoil. It is a really big deal because it is human nature to like to be affectionate by cuddling, hugging, petting etc. It's something we still have within from primates. If a girl is interested in you and tries to be affectionate with and you recoil then she will sense something wrong and probably get insecure or turned off. This is definitely something you have to fix because no one likes the distant person in a relationship. How will you be able to express yourself through touching if you don't like to do it?

 

Get rid of the whole "I was learned/raised to not go over my boundaries w/ women. " NOW! The first thing you need to do to start getting use to touching is start casually touching peoples arms as you talk to them. Now I don't mean grab their arm during a conversation lol. What I mean is shake peoples hands, when you are about to tell as story lightly and causally touch their arm as if you were to get their attention(touch their arm for only a second) even if you have your their full attention. This is the first step you want to take to start getting use to touching. Do it to your mom, sister, brother, coworkers(male and female) and everyone. Now you are probably thinking "Won't they think I'm a creep for touching them? The answer is no. Why you ask? Because if you start doing this with everyone and especially with people you just meet then it will just seem like your a touchy guy, no big deal. It's more common than you think.

 

You should start doing it to every woman you meet too so you can get use to doing that with girls. Also another important reason why you wanna do it right away with girls is because if they become use to you touching them then it won't be weird if it becomes a romantic thing and you guys start holding hands and stuff because she is already use to your touch.

 

 

Get this problem solved man because it is a big deal. Plow through your negative thoughts and what you believe is your "I was learned/raised to not go over my boundaries w/ women. " upbringing because it is one of the things holding you back. Good luck buddy.

[Dougie_D]

Well, it goes for my end. I don't like it when someone touches me in general. It feels strange to me and I feel annoyed really. I want to get over this. Is it more about control? I don't like to be in a car unless I'm driving. Plus, I really do get the feeling that girls don't want me to touch them. I'm afraid to get close to their chest. I just feel like I'm violating them. I can talk to a girl with ease. Most of the people around me can't talk to a complete stranger. I can. I shake people's hands no problem. How do I practice on strangers without making it weird??

[Dougie_D]

Well, it goes for my end. I don't like it when someone touches me in general. It feels strange to me and I feel annoyed really. I want to get over this. Is it more about control? I don't like to be in a car unless I'm driving. Plus, I really do get the feeling that girls don't want me to touch them. I'm afraid to get close to their chest. I just feel like I'm violating them. I can talk to a girl with ease. Most of the people around me can't talk to a complete stranger. I can. I shake people's hands no problem. How do I practice on strangers without making it weird??

[Vincent Ruiz]

You'll just have to get use to it if someone touches you. Instead of thinking that is annoying you think that it is really just a way of connecting with you. That's what touching really is when someone lightly touches your arm. It's a subconscious way of connecting with someone. You just have to loosen up man, it's not a bad thing when someone touches you and it's not a way of them trying to be dominant over you.

 

"I really do get the feeling that girls don't want me to touch them. I'm afraid to get close to their chest. I just feel like I'm violating them."

 

You know they want you to touch them but you still feel like you're violating them? It's in your head. You're going to have to work hard at it. This is not something that is going to happen overnight or in a month. It will take time but it will start feeling natural. Trust me on this. In order to make a change you have to snap and really ignore everything you know and have an open mind to try new things. Like I said in my last post, you have to start lightly touching everyone that you know and new people that you meet. Start with your close friends and family first and when it feels natural then go on to strangers. Take baby steps, have a goal of lightly touch someones arm when your about to say something a day so you feel like your making progress.

 

 

You have to let go of what you believe because it is holding you back. If you keep doing what you've always done then you'll keep getting what you've always gotten.

[Dougie_D]

I DON"T know that a girl wants me to touch them. They don't tell me!!!! I've done stuff in my past to really believe girls are sickened by me. I've tried to kiss a girl and she backed off. I tried to grind on a girl at a club and she swings her bag behind her to cut off the touching.

I only give girls HUGS when saying goodbye. It's quick. They don't really tell me, it's more like the "Hey see ya later"-quick hug.

 

I want to be more touchy feeling with girls but I seriously fear that strangers don't like this. I SEE GIRLS GO up to MEN and touch THEM. Girls don't do that too me. I feel like I'm some sort of disease.

 

And if they do TOUCH me I feel they do that out of some sort of PITY.

 

I'm just messed up...I hate it.

[Vincent Ruiz]

I hate to say it but a girl will usually never tell you that she wants you to touch her and be affectionate to her. But don't worry, there is a way to tell if she likes you. Obviously a girl will want you to be affectionate if she is attracted to you. So you have to look for sub-conscious signs that is hardwired into her brain that show she is attracted to you. Now people will say that these signs are rubbish but the ones who say that are the ones not going on dates and are bitter about it lol.

 

 

The things you want to look for are when she pets or tosses her hair, scratches the side of her neck and when she scratches the back of her hand. These are things carried over from the caveman days. They didn't have any language so the women had to communicate somehow a way to show attraction to a potential mate. Other signs to look for is when she is laughing at all of your jokes even the ones that aren't that funny and the biggest sign is if she asks you if you are single. A girl who is not attracted to you will outright avoid talking about dating.

 

"I SEE GIRLS GO up to MEN and touch THEM. Girls don't do that too me. I feel like I'm some sort of disease. "

 

Do you know why girls don't do that to you? Because of your thinking, I don't think you've said one good thing about yourself. You keep beating yourself up and since you believe you are not worthy then they believe it too. You need to STOP you're down talking or you are going to get nowhere.

 

"I'm just messed up"

 

Stop doing that please....If you don't get rid of this thinking than you're never going to change and all the advice these nice people have given you will be for nothing. What you need to do is start monitoring your thoughts. Anytime you talk bad about yourself, catch it and then say the complete opposite. You've probably been talking bad about yourself for years and you now believe it. You have to reprogram yourself into talking yourself up. Imagine how you would feel if you said you were awesome for say the last 5 years instead of saying you suck? The change starts with how you view yourself. If you view yourself as someone not worthy of anything then you are going to get nothing. Start viewing yourself as an amazing person. The choice is yours. People can only show you the right path but only you can walk down it.

[Dougie_D]

Well when people TELL me how they think about me...like, "Your'e an * * * * * * * ", "You're pretty cocky", "You're fat and out of shape", "She's out of YOUR league", "Girls like that do NOT GO FOR GUYS like YOU", "I just like you as a FRIEND", "YOU are a TERRIBLE HUGGER", etc...

 

My negative thoughts just don't come in my head randomly. Numerous people tell me negative things too me. So I have to assume they are right!

 

It's like when sports analysts talk about how a team will not win any games. Well, when the team loses their first 4 games they'll believe they won't win the next.

Doesn't mean that they won't but they surely believe that's what people want out of them.

[Day_Walker]

I can say that I am not a touchy or feely person so I am not one to give hugs and if I do its probably not the hug that the girl is looking for. I just take that as part of my personality and move on. If you arent a person that hugs then just say that. You have to define how and when you want to greet people.

[Vincent Ruiz]

Well when people TELL me how they think about me...like, "Your'e an * * * * * * * ", "You're pretty cocky", "You're fat and out of shape", "She's out of YOUR league", "Girls like that do NOT GO FOR GUYS like YOU", "I just like you as a FRIEND", "YOU are a TERRIBLE HUGGER", etc...

 

My negative thoughts just don't come in my head randomly. Numerous people tell me negative things too me. So I have to assume they are right!

 

It's like when sports analysts talk about how a team will not win any games. Well, when the team loses their first 4 games they'll believe they won't win the next.

Doesn't mean that they won't but they surely believe that's what people want out of them.

 

Look man, you can either keep going over all the terrible things that happen to you or terrible things that people say to you or you can take action and make some change. Who cares what other people think? If you want to start feeling better about yourself then start taking some action. Join a gym, shave that goatee, get some hobbies, meet some new people etc. Stop putting other peoples thoughts of you on a pedestal.

 

I'll be honest...it doesn't sound like you're willing to start making changes. You say you want to change but it doesn't seem like you're willing to try new things and believe new things. You keep beating yourself up. I don't know what it would take for you to start changing your attitude but I don't really know what to say anymore. I've given you advice on how to overcome your problems but you keep reinforcing the bad things by bringing them up. I don't know what to tell you other than you just gotta wanna change for the better no matter what pain, hard work it's going to take to accomplish it. You gotta want to change yourself so bad that you realize the seriousness of the situation and that you're willing to do whatever it takes. Try this...this is what began my journey into building myself into the best possible person that I can be. Go to a book store...go to the self help section and start looking at the books until you see one that you feel is relating to your situation. I still do this now to maintain my confidence because confidence is something you have to maintain. But start doing a lot of reading on books about attitude, body language and confidence.

[Dougie_D]

I already go to a gym. It's annoying because I'm not getting quick enough results. I started to lose weight pretty fast and now for some reason it's slowing down and I really haven't changed my routine.

 

But let's get back to my question about touching. Is it REALLY THAT SERIOUS? I didn't notice it or let it bother me until girls told me it's a big deal. Even on this forum. I noticed that NO girls have actually said anything yet on this forum.

[ApocalypseDreams]

I think it is a big deal, even if hugging isn't a big deal to you it's pretty important in relationships and even friendships. I think most girls put high value physical affection and if you pull away from it or hesitate, it's taken as rejection by them. I have a pretty well guarded personal space but even still, you have to let people touch you or hug you. Relationships can only grow so much without it. I remember I offended a girl once (I'm not sure if she liked me) by giving an awkward and hesitant hug and she made a comment about it.

 

One thing I don't think I'll ever get comfortable with is the whole 'doing the little kiss thing on the side of the head when leaving'. It's such an awkward thing to do, especially with a girl you don't know that well.

[Vincent Ruiz]

If a girl told you that your touching problem is a big deal than you have your answer right there lol. Like myself and Jonty said, women place high value on physical affection. If you ever get romantic with a woman and you are not comfortable even touching her arm then how do you expect to summon the courage to make out with her? That's why I'm telling you to start lightly touching peoples arms especially when you first meet them so you can get use to it and they view you as just a touchy person which is no big deal. So I'll say it one more time to answer your question....YES IT IS REALLY THAT SERIOUS.

 

 

As for the gym, you gotta keep plowing through. When I first started lifting weights, my goal was to bulk up. It took me a whole year to gain 50lbs. My goal was 150lbs(that's where I started) and now I'm about 203lbs. But it took so much work and so much discipline and mental fortitude. There were times when I thought my muscles were shrinking but even through those times I never gave up and kept going. When I got to 190lbs it took me 3 months to gain the 10 pounds to get to my big goal but I did and never quit. Now my goal is 210lbs and I'm still working hard to reach that goal. Once you reach you main goal, you never really feel like it's over. You always want to keep going. The fact that I had to struggle...eat when I wasn't hungry, go to the gym when I was effin tired and force myself to finish makes me feel even more proud of what I put myself through to achieve that goal. Anyways, the point of that story was that you need a clear cut goal and you need to do a little research to help you achieve that goal. There are days where you are going to feel like a champ and others where you feel like a chump but the fact that you can get back up and keep going says a lot.

 

 

Take that approach with everything in life.

[agatha]

so let me be the first girl to say something - yes, no body contact is that bad. lame body contact is that bad. just had this argument with my brother (he gets all "my bubble, my bubble" when he gets touched by strangers) - you can't expect a full-fledged relationship if you are holding yourself back and avoiding a very important part of the bonding. holding hands, hugging, kissing (even that fake side-cheek-kiss), touching the middle of her back while in a crowd just so she knows you are right besides her, that has to come with a natural feeling, or when you break up she'll look back and say "but coming to think about it, he was never that into me. his hugs were so distant..."

 

your body speaks louder than any words you try to say. you can lie through your teeth about many things, but your body will still somehow say the truth.

 

that said, I'd suggest ballroom dancing. some latin rythm, like tango, salsa or zouk. that should take care of both your touching issues and the not-mentioned fact that you probably don't know that well how to move your hips.

[Dougie_D]

I actually know some ball-room dancing! I took it in college. I was nervous as hell but I passed the class!

 

Too be honest, I feel once I'm comfortable with being w/ someone for a long time and we had previously touched before I would put more emphasis on being somewhat more aggressive with the touching.

 

I don't think I really mind the touching...it's more of a uncertainty of HOW MUCH and why there is TOUCH involved.

 

I believe there is a HUGE difference between a normal hug and a romantic hug. For girls I make sure that I DON'T PRESS UP on their CHEST area or below the waste. I guess some girls don't mind that??? I think that's what CONFUSES me.

[agatha]

that's good! you're halfway there, then - but my point is not about passing or not a test: is turning it into such a natural thing you don't get nervous anymore about it - because you don't even rationalize it.

 

but.. "aggressive"? why aggressive? bold, yes. confident, maybe. but aggressive? I think you should also work around your concept of physical contact. a touch, either friendly, casual or romantic is supposed to be a demonstration of care, not an aggression.

 

so you don't mind the touch, but you do. well, from my experience it works like this - you just do what you want and watch out if you'll get bashed for it (as long as you're not a complete perv, you'll be fine more often than not). people don't ask to get touched, because touching should be voluntary.

 

quick lesson on "hugs categories":

 

courtesy hug - the kind you give an acquaintance at work or any other social ocasion, saying hi or bye: usually involves very little body contact, just a hands on shoulder/higher back for a few seconds.

 

friendly hug: depends on the level of intimacy. I like to make a link, putting one arm over one shoulder and the other coming around from waist area. it lasts for as long as needed (sometimes a hug speaks more than any words you could say). the higher the intimacy, the more body contact allowed, on chest area inclusive (pressing up on chest area is not a taboo - come on, it's a hug!!! you should be slightly squeezed for a second!). stay away from below the waste, though (don't interlock legs with the 'huggee' and you'll be safe).

 

romantic hug: you make it as a friendly hug, except that usually you make full chest contact, and depending on the context, are allowed below-waste contact. also, usually both arms drop to the girl's waist (your hint to see if she's comfortable doing that is she will put her arms behind your neck, or mirrors you. loosen your grip if she puts the arms in your chest!).

 

for an average hug, I think one natural breathing moment (inhale-hug-exhale-break) would be enough to make it last enough.

 

wikihow actually has a good and easy-to-read step by step article on it (I was fairly surprised): link removed , you should give it a try =)

 

 

I actually know some ball-room dancing! I took it in college. I was nervous as hell but I passed the class!

 

Too be honest, I feel once I'm comfortable with being w/ someone for a long time and we had previously touched before I would put more emphasis on being somewhat more ag

gressive with the touching.

 

I don't think I really mind the touching...it's more of a uncertainty of HOW MUCH and why there is TOUCH involved.

 

I believe there is a HUGE difference between a normal hug and a romantic hug. For girls I make sure that I DON'T PRESS UP on their CHEST area or below the waste. I guess some girls don't mind that??? I think that's what CONFUSES me.

[Dougie_D]

Oh wow!!! The video on the Wiki page helped a lot! I do the "Pat on the Back" hug ALL the time!!!!

[Antenna]

I've heard this described as an A vs an H hug, with the A type two people touching shoulders only bodies apart and the H type two people comfortable touching bodies. Naturally, while the H hug is preferable if you are comfortable with it, I don't think there is anything wrong with an A hug. You have no obligation to offer up your comfort for someone else.

[agatha]

You have no obligation to offer up your comfort for someone else.

 

except if you are emotionally available for a relationship (the dynamics DO include comforting each other)

[Fudgie]

I'm kinda like you in that I'm not big on physical affection unless I'm in a relationship. When I'm with someone, I'll touch them a lot and hug and kiss them a lot, but I don't like to hug/kiss other people, even friends. Unless they had a relative die and I'm consoling them. It's just awkward for me.

 

That being said, in terms of friends, no, I don't think you have to change. Not everyone is touchy feely. However, you have to understand that when you DATE, yes, people get touchy. I tend to get touchy within a few dates in or so but that's just me - and I know most girls will start warming up to you physically if they like you on the 1st date. Yes, 1st date.

 

I say practise hugging a pillow. Don't be Awkward Penguin and do the "keep distance" thing with your arm while you pat her back like she's an infant who has to belch. I think as long as you stop that, you'll be fine. Just learn to relax a little and just hold the person in a hug. That's all there is to it. I'm told I'm a great hugger but I don't even think about it when I do it anymore.

 

I agree with others in that this isn't what is holding you back from meeting someone great and being in a relationship. It's too trivial of an issue. There must be other stuff going on. I reckon it may be a self esteem problem, from what I'm reading. You seem a little down on yourself. That alone kills it for a lot of girls.

[timlondon]

I already go to a gym. It's annoying because I'm not getting quick enough results. I started to lose weight pretty fast and now for some reason it's slowing down and I really haven't changed my routine.

 

The ebook from here link removed is really good. You might need to change what you eat a bit. Keep at it!

[Jacob216]

1. Touching is important.

2. Understanding personal space is important. When someone comes closer to you, they may be a huggy type. When people say that you are stiff or distant, this is literally what they mean. When they shorten the distance, you don't match. Maybe they will take the two extra steps to come up to you and hug you - this isn't out of pity, it is because they are annoyed that they are showing they want to be closer to you, but you are just standing there. Play around with this area before you even hug or kiss people. The distance between two people changes the dynamics of everything.

 

I grew up in a no touching household and eventually learned it, then forgot it after a rough breakup, then relearned it through looking at my behavior. When you look for the step towards you, you will know who finds you interesting at least, and who may be hoping you will be closer to them. A hug is another step forward, it can be a greeting for someone you know (often the A hug) or acknowledging a shared connection (H hug usually) but the interpersonal game of space is always in motion - roll with the punches and see how people react. And it's not all personal - a lot of it is chemical and customary. The main thing is to respect space but also understand that if someone makes an effort to be close to you, acknowledging that action in some way will make them feel like a human being and that is important for everyone to feel. That goes for the ladies and for your mates as well.

 

3) You will plateau if you do not mix up your routine. Try push days alternating with pull days. Try mixing leg reps with chest/arms reps (e.g. don't just do all leg and then all chest) - also try extra recovery days or alterting protein intake. As your body changes you need to adjust to the new composition. Change ONE factor at a time and give it a week or two, don't try to change everything at once. If you do something right, you'll never know what fixed the problem otherwise.