What the hell is going on? Help!!

[ClairBear]

I am new on here. I have a massive dilemma. I've been with my fiance for nearly 2 1/2 years. We have an 18 month old child together. To cut a long story short, he has never been very affectionate although he was when we first met but that quickly changed to him not being affectionate. Our sex life before and when I was pregnant was normal, regular. For the past year or so he stopped wanting sex as much. Now he hasn't touched me for nearing 8 months. I have tried everything from being romantic to just seeing how things go and nothing seems to be working. I am pretty sure he's not cheating. He says he doesn't look at porn. He say's he doesn't know what the problem is, but it's with me. He say's he thinks about sex still but just not with me. He say's there is no other person involved. He very rarely pays me attention or compliments me anymore. If I ask him if he's gone off me he says no I'm his perfect girl and beautiful. He says he feels kind of blocked against me. I cuddle him and pay him lots of compliments, I do alot for him and look after him as a good fiance. I love him with all my heart but this is breaking me. The uncertainity of how long it will go on for is too much for me to deal with sometimes. We have argued alot and he says he feels different about me but he still loves me alot. Pfffff I feel so confused. I have been very sick with Postnatal Anxiety after the birth of my baby and I am just coming out the otherside after 18 months. The last thing I need is more stress. I feel so powerless to leave as I love him sooo much. I feel so lonely. Has anyone got any advice as to why he's behaving like this???

[In the Dark]

Now sees you as a Mother rather than a partner?

Some weight gain after pregnancy?

[hexaemeron]

Yeah, this is a pregnancy thing. You're Mommy now.

[guynextdoor]

Arguing a lot kills sex drives too.

[Tigerfan]

If he is willing, see if he'll go to some counseling with you together, or separately. You two aren't married, but engaged? If so, do u have a wedding date planned?

[ClairBear]

Thank's for taking your time to comment everyone. I gained hardley no weight with my pregnancy and the tiny amount I did gain dropped off imediatley after. I have no stretchmarks either. Friends say I look better than ever, I'm 5"9" and a uk size 10. I get alot of attention when I go out and my fiance hates it. He's jealous but he doesn't want me himself so it seems

 

Tigerfan, We are not yet married nor have we set a date. He's not even sure if he want's to be with me anymore let alone get hitched. I feel angry at myself for putting up with it, but I haven't got the bottle to leave him cause I love him and want this to work. I have suggested councelling but, he is the type of person to discard that sort of thing by asking what on earth another person can do to sort out his head ect...

[In the Dark]

The only possibility I can come up with is that he now sees you as a Mother now since his behavior has changed since you have had the baby.

Even though he does get jealous.

[abitbroken]

Well, another thing is that if you have an 18 month old and have been together for 30 months, you were only really together 3-4 months before you became pregnant. That's not really a lot of time for more than attraction to really build. If a couple has been together a few years and then an unexpected pregnancy happens, it might be "she's a mommy now" but I really think that the relationship didn't have a chance to really get solid before "baby's on the way, let's make this work." I am not saying its an excuse, but maybe things are running their course differently because of that.

 

Also, if one partner is depressed, it really affects the other partner. Even if you are coming out of post partum depression, I urge you to continue to seek care for it, including counseling - you solo. Also, do you take a minute for eachother - do a 'date night' once a week to reconnect without the baby?

[ClairBear]

Thank you for your advice. I reposted in the relationship section as I thought maybe my thread was more suited there and I'd get some clearer advice. I have said before that we rushed the relationship at the start. When I ask him if he would like to go out on a date to have 'couple' time he shows no interest at all. My pregnancy was planned. I also agree about the depression. It has effected our relationship because I was pretty ill for a long time. I am isolated here as I moved to this country to be with my fiance, that hasn't helped with the disputes as I get frustrated and lonely. I just wanted to know if it's worth continuing the relationship, how long is too long with our physical intimacy? Does it sound pretty bleak from your point of view or can it be saved?

[abitbroken]

People click on "newest" posts and see everything from all forums so it is effective just to post once.

 

The additional details do shed light on the situation. You must feel very isolated. Do you speak the native language of the country you moved to? If so, are there either support groups for parents, or a play group where mothers get together to talk while their toddlers have play time? It might make you feel not so isolated. It seems like you are doing the right thing as far as the date night to try to have some time to rekindle things.

 

Your pregnancy was planned? I am kind of surprised that you didn't wait for marriage or agreed to have a child so soon into your adjustment period to a new country. Such a whirlwind. Did he come on strong in the beginning? Maybe he isolated you on purpose as part of the plan. Did you know him long before you moved?

[PaintWithLight]

I agree. Where is the fire??? You had a brief courtship then a relationship then planned a baby shortly after relocating to a new country. Then you had a difficult pregnancy which has affected your partner who is withdrawn and not having sex with you. Wow, I think you have a stress indicator in just about every major column except for financial issues.

 

The first step is to take a deep breath and acknowledge that you had really dove into the deep end. You need to start making small steps to regain the fun and attraction that pulled you together in the first place. Simple times at home with the new baby. Making small plans for the week and doing short trips together.

 

The other side of the coin is that you might discover that you are with a blokey guy. The type that is limited and stubborn and completely without skills to mend this situation. His only solution is to pull back and isolate. You cannot go back in time but I think now, you are realizing that you did not know this man as well as you thought you did. Hopefully, he is fully invested in making this relationship happen, which means some hard work and yes, professional help. He is part owner of this impulsive sequence so he needs to help get it back on track.