How do I know if it's me...or...?

[puppetted]

I'm usually a smart person, but in this case, the answer to the question I'm asking just doesn't stand out to me. My relationship is going okay, I suppose, but I am under a lot of stress (I am graduating in grad school this semester and working hard to finish my thesis). I spend time with my bf about 4 nights a week, for a few hours. I feel like it's about all I can do at this point (things will lighten up a little bit in about a month to a month and a half). I guess it's really two days that we do things that are just together...and Friday / Saturday we do something with a group for a few hours (it's a regular thing that has been going on for a few weeks).

 

Okay, this is going to sound stupid... Since I won't do something tonight, he wants me to cancel the group deal. I was looking forward to it. I said I'd do something tonight. He's still mad. I'm still mad. It seems as though I'm always compromising...

 

If it's me being stupid, just say so, I won't be hurt. Am I being insensitive?

[happyfrank]

I have a feeling he doesn't get along with somebody in the group or just wants to do something different just for 1 weekend since every weekend is a group thing.

[Stay_home]

Four nights a week is pretty good considering that you're trying to finish up grad school, I think maybe he needs to be a little more understanding.

[puppetted]

I have a feeling he doesn't get along with somebody in the group or just wants to do something different just for 1 weekend since every weekend is a group thing.

 

Well, I'd understand that except he used to talk about it before hand and say he was excited about it, during the week. I felt the same. We both had a really good time in the weeks before.

 

Four nights a week is pretty good considering that you're trying to finish up grad school, I think maybe he needs to be a little more understanding.

 

I felt this way too. It's pretty much the reason I'm asking. I'm just so tired.

[RedDress]

Since I won't do something tonight, he wants me to cancel the group deal. I was looking forward to it. I said I'd do something tonight. He's still mad. I'm still mad. It seems as though I'm always compromising...

 

So... the thing that would throw me off about this is that once he asked to cancel the group deal, you were suddenly available tonight. That kind of sounds like you are prioritizing your friends over him.

 

I agree that 4 days a week is a lot, actually... but if two of those days (the "best" days - Friday and Saturday) you are spending with others, you aren't really spending time together on those days. You are seeing him.... but you are spending time as a group. So - you are actually only spending two days of quality time together. Are they rushed days? Or are you generally stressed during the week?

 

If this Friday/Saturday thing has been going on for a few weeks... it just sounds like he wants quality alone time with you (especially if you are cutting out some of his alone time, which means he's only really spending 1 day with you this week and an additional 2 in your presence).

 

Why not give the group thing a break for a week and do something special and romantic together?

 

Not something to get mad at, IMO... something to embrace. He likes you and wants to spend quality time with you. Isn't that sweet?

[puppetted]

Actually I am not suddenly available...I made a compromise to work during the night tonight (not sleep / sleep very little tonight) so as to do things with him. (And cancel this weekend...if he wants to do things this weekend with just me, I'll do as much as I can and I have told him this.) I am not prioritizing friends over him. (I don't really have friends, we just are sort of aquaintanced with the group--been going the last 3 weeks...we just had fun the times we went.)

 

I have told him I will stop going to the group thing if that's what he wants. It is always kind of a thing where I give in eventually once he gets mad at me. I am not surprised that it turned out this way, just confused (only two days ago, he was telling me how excited he was about us doing that this weekend). Today one of his points was that I went to bed "early" (midnight) last night and the night before (11pm). I was really exhausted...

 

You are right that we are not spending time "only" together in the group. When we do things together one-on-one, it is doing what he wants, and well...I guess that's fine because it makes him happy. I'm not really in a position to make demands that we do what I want since I'm spending time working on my schoolwork a lot during the week.

 

I do feel as though it's very unfair that I have to give up the group deal. I really don't do anything for myself, and I have no self-time that is not spend on my work. I'm not complaining...it just...feels so unfair. He is included in everything, always...I make a point of that. I have been struggling with having no "self-time" for a long time and I guess I sort of saw the group thing as taking the pressure off of me for some reason. I've been very depressed about the whole thing today.

 

I hope that clarifies a little more, sorry about the confusion.

[RedDress]

Is he asking you to permanently give up the group thing, though? I don't get that sense. If he's happily been going every Friday and Saturday and he seems excited - is that really the case? Or is he just asking for special time this week?

[puppetted]

Is he asking you to permanently give up the group thing, though? I don't get that sense. If he's happily been going every Friday and Saturday and he seems excited - is that really the case? Or is he just asking for special time this week?

 

Give it up permanently. I have been talking to him and he says he was just trying to make me mad earlier. He says now that he wants to go, and really wants to do something with me today. I am doing something with him today and waiting until tomorrow to see what he wants as far as the group thing. I don't really feel like going anymore, but I've kind of decided to keep what I want out of this now--it's just adding to conflict.

 

I thought it would be best to ask him what he wants and why he is unhappy, if he feels that I am ignoring him / what I am doing wrong, so that I can go from there as to fixing it. He wants me to spend more time with him, not giving up the group thing (as of a little bit ago when I talked to him about this). I left my desires out of it and made sure that he knew I wasn't trying to sound accusatory or persuasive. Right now, I am just confused...so I'm playing it by ear. If he wants me to cancel, I will. I plan on working late tonight and spending the rest of the afternoon / evening with him to see if that helps. This came about because we were set as to when we'd do things together during the week, and I would have time to finish everything I needed to do (this is a critical week and I always tend to fall behind).

 

I guess...I was being selfish? Was I? I'm still kind of confused. Right now I'm just trying to do what he wants and get him happy again though.

[puppetted]

An update--it seems to be a lot better now. I spent a lot of time with him tonight and we'll spend time (just us) tomorrow. I am compensating by working late (taking a little break at the moment). We had a big talk about everything and I won't say it's perfect, but it definitely helped. I guess I was so caught up in what I've been doing lately, and thinking he had a good time and all, that I thought everything was fine. He says he feels like it's difficult to get time with me, and I understand that...so I'm going to work on that. I felt like I was standing up for myself in the argument earlier today, but I suppose I got a bit defensive. I apologized for everything and I'm going to try harder.

 

Thanks for your replies, everyone. It helped me.

[volvic1]

Its understandable that he wants some alone time with you, but also he could try and be a little more understanding with you while you complete your thesis. I personally don't mind doing group things with my BF, to me being around him is all I need, I like doing fun things in a big group cause at the end of the day were going home together. Im personally in a LDR so maybe im just in the way that if I was seeing my BF 4 nights a week id be over the moon haha to me that sounds loads now, but too each there own